Thank you Deborah, it seems like one step forward, two steps back at times. It feels such a relief to know you girls are there and listening. Hoping we get through this month and see lighter, longer days soon. Gill xx
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Hi girls, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Christmas and new year are over. I know how much we were dreading it. Losing dad has sealed the fate of Christmas for me. It will never be the same. It will always be the anniversary of losing mum and dad. Tom said we won’t have Christmas next year and I feel like that too. We will do something but keep our expectations low. I think very simple Christmases will be the future now and that suits me fine.
I’m still not crying much which is making me feel guilty. Dad’s loss is huge for me and it’s making me a bit anxious that it’s going to hit hard, really hard. I was curled up in a ball in agony after losing mum so something doesn’t feel right about this. Maybe I’m already grieving for so long that it’s become normal. I do feel like I’ve forgotten what real happiness feels like. You know that carefree happiness that was pure? Now in moments of happiness it’s always tinged with sadness knowing I can’t share it with mum, and now dad. I’m going to use mum and dad as my inspiration to find joy again like they did. I keep telling myself, they are okay, wherever they are they are fine.
Anyway, I’m reading all the post and ‘welcome’ to those who’ve just joined us. I lost my mum almost a year ago (15th Jan) and just lost my dad suddenly from cardiac arrest this Boxing Day. 2023 took so much from me, including my beloved dog 
I’m hoping the coming year brings peace to my life. God knows, I need it!! Don’t we all?
Kate, I’m so excited to hear about your puppy. Your new baby will bring absolute chaos, will drive you crazy but will bring some much needed love and joy to you all. Can’t wait for end of feb to hear all about her and see the pictures. 
Thankyou girls for all your care. It means so much. Lots of love H
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Hi Gill, sorry you’ve taken a dip in your grief but I’ve noticed this does happen. You feel like you’ve just picked yourself up and then it rears its ugly head again. Even though we do have downers we are still moving forward on this journey. Personally I just allow the grief to do what it likes. If it comes back strong I just go with it and allow myself to feel miserable.
I think this forum is fantastic. It’s not always easy to discuss feelings with family/friends as you naturally feel protective towards them and talking about the person you’ve all lost can drag their mood down and you don’t want to do that. Talking to people who are going through the same thing but didn’t know the person you lost makes it easier to be open I feel.
Anyway, keep posting. Lots of love Hxxx
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Oh Helen 2023 was the worst year ever for you with 3 major losses in 11 months! You have done so so well and I can only imagine how glad you are that it’s behind you.
I am too because even though I lost mum in 2022, for 9 out of the 12 months she was with us and we made some lovely memories.
2023 was harder in as much it was a whole year, 4 seasons without mum, all the firsts… it was tough for me, maybe worse than 2022.
Don’t worry about not crying, it doesn’t mean that you love or miss your dad any less if you don’t cry or cry less. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and each loss is a separate entity.
I also didn’t cry loads for mum even though it was the worst pain ever. The worst time of my entire life. Mum said I didn’t cry at all for dad either at 9. Maybe it’s my defence mechanism I don’t know. All I do know is if I cried buckets it wouldn’t mean I love and miss mum any more than I already do.
Let’s hope we can all find some peace and joy this year. I’m really looking forward to the puppy. We are shortlisting names at the moment and Alex and I aren’t in agreement so far lol!
Anyhow I’ll sign off for now.
Big hugs to you all!
K xxxx
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Hi Gill
We are all here for each other and it’s true that just knowing that makes such a difference.
As Deborah and Helen say : keep posting.
It’s always good to read everyones posts and know that we are all feeling the same emotions.
Love Kate xxxx
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Hi Girls,
Just read your posts and agree with everything you have all written.
Grief hits us hard in so many ways and thank god we understand the highs and the lows.
I had a bit of a meltdown tonight all if a sudden in the kitchen. Just remembered I would never help mum again putting on her seat belt in the car. It just came from nowhere and I was on floods.
Poor Paul I only went out to make some snacks !!!.
No matter how we try to put a brave face on we will still face moments when it hits us for six and as you say we just have to go with it. Yes we will fry but that’s ok. That’s the price we pay for loving someone so so much. It hurts so much and the bond we had with them is so strong we can touch it. Keep going my lovely friends bec I really am so proud of you all and our lovely friendships.
Helen I am in awe of you. I really am and continually think about what you are going through.
Kate any names for the puppy yet ? Gill you are doing so well so keep posting as often as you want to.
Jules are you back in school yet?
If I have missed anyone just keep posting no matter how trivial We are all here for each other and we will support each other
Am having a few days sorting mum’s possessions so bear with me if I don’t post for a few days as it’s the boxes of her real personal stuff I am going through next and I know I will be upset
Love to you all
Deborah xxxx
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Hi Everyone
How are you and how has your week been?
I’ve been busy with working and restarting some English lessons in the afternoons. It’s bitterly cold here.
I’ve not been too bad but earlier I walked past a café and there was an elderly lady in her wheelchair pulled up to one of the tables having a coffee with her family/friends smiling and chatting away and it just made me think of mum. How many times had we done the same…
It’s just those little everyday things that can suddenly bring a huge wave of sadness crashing over us out of the blue isn’t it?
Anyhow just wanted to check in.
Love to all.
K xxxx
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Hello there,
I’m doing ok. Just glad Christmas is over. I really hope I can rediscover the joy of it all. Such happy memories of family Christmas’ and the good times. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lovely family of my own but it tugs at your heartstrings doesn’t it just thinking about the memories. I also keep seeing women similar age to me out with their Mums for coffee, cake etc. Makes me sad. There is a dept store here in Romsey ( Bradbeers) where I used to meet Mum for coffee and cake. When she couldn’t drive anymore she used to enjoy getting the bus in. Just walking past that bus station makes me sad sometimes . But, work is keeping me busy and now I’m back in the gym I’m feeling better. The sadness will always be there I think but hoping in time the waves will quieten. There is a school production of Sister Act I’m helping behind the scenes with so also keeping me busy. I love the school environment. Part of me wishes I had followed Mum into teaching but I think Social Work chose me for some reason!
How is everyone else doing? How is work?
Helen: Thinking of you and can’t imagine how you must be feeling and all the organising etc. Is tough but we will all work through it. One day at a time.
I’m setting small goals ( particularly health ones). Since Mum passed I had been drinking more wine to blur the edges. Not everyday or to excess but probably too much. I’m now sticking to weekends only.
Xx
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Hi Jules and everyone, I’m doing okayish. I know I’m going to crash when the girls (my daughter/grandaughters) go back to America on 23rd. We’ve really strengthened our bonds while they’ve been here and they are so affectionate and cuddly. I just love them to bits!
I seem to have the role of chief organiser for mum and dad’s thanksgiving. I’m a bit disappointed that my siblings aren’t more forthcoming but I’m just getting on with it. The important thing is it’s a lovely celebration of mum and dad’s lives. We are going to have a ‘rainbow tree’. It’s an idea I got from a visit to Liverpool cathedral. I have a white twig style tree with tiny fairy lights. Half way through the service everyone will be asked to come up and tie coloured ribbons on the tree. The colour of the ribbons will correspond to words describing my parents and people can choose how ever many colours they like to tie on the tree. So we might have ‘kind = blue’ friend = green’ ‘love = red’ etc. Dad doesn’t actually get cremated until the day after so I’m getting tea light glasses with the words ‘There is a light that never goes out’. I’m asking people to take one with them and light the candle for dad the next day. It will be a comfort knowing everyone is thinking of dad.
So much to organise but, for mum and dad I will do anything. They deserve everything.
Glad your job is keeping you busy Jules. I will be going back early February. Then I need to rethink my life and how to enjoy the rest of it without my darling mum and dad. I have no clue at the moment how on earth I’m going to do that but I’m just so sick of feeling miserable all the bloody time. It’s so draining and I’ve aged so much this last year. I will allow time to grieve for dad but then I will try and get my shit together and find some joy for remainder of my life.
So good to hear from you Jules. I hope the rest of my dear friends on here are doing okay. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
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Hi everyone,
I agree with you all about the little things bringing on the floods of tears. Today I had to phone an accountant about advice about capital gains tax and innocently he referred to my mum as the deceased person. My god it hit me for six and I started having a coughing attack on the phone. Had to apologise all the time. I know he didn’t mean to upset me but surely he could have asked for the date my mum died not what was the date the deceased died. Is it me or what???
Helen I think what you have arranged for your dad’s service is truly beautiful. It really is. I love the rainbow idea and the tealights.
It is all devastating but you are doing so well.
I went for a spin in the car yesterday to a place near us called Cenarth Falls and put on a thick jumper of mum’s as it was so fluffy and I thought that it would keep me warm.Well I found a hair of mum’s on it and just got so upset. It was like I had found a million dollars.
Just the tiniest things will set us off for the rest of our lives.
I constantly feel this sadness and even though it’s been a year and yes I have come through lots of things I still feel lost without her. And I am not sure I want to feel different that’s the problem.
Thank goodness for this site where we can all come together and help each other.
Love to you all
Deborah xxxxx
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Wow looks amazing Deborah!
Deborah, Wales is such a beautiful place! I think your part of the world must be very special, I was in wales once to go to Cardiff for a job interview. My mum came with me as it was a very long journey. It was a good adventure, I think 20 years almost exactly. When I still had hope for my future and Mum was game for this travelling distance. It was so hot that year, she wore light pyjama shorts in Cardiff and we always called them her Cardiff shorts. We had a real adventure. And we laughed a lot. I miss those days, she was still herself and hadn’t stared to feel ill a nd experience so many different health problems. I am wearing a fleece jacket of mum’s this cold winter, it also had her hairs on it and a paper hanky in the pocket. Like she just took it off. Your heart aches at these times. I miss those days, sometimes it’s like they’re just in the next room, so close to you.
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Hi,
Jules yes Cenarth Falls was so beautiful when we went there Cold but a sunny day. I took my hot water bottle and was so glad I did.We had a car picnic just like mum and I used to have. I remember going there as a child with my grandparents and seeing salmon leaping over the rocks in Autumn time. The building you see in the photo is a working mill.
Aww Juniper Cardiff has changed so much since you were there. Lots and I mean lots of shops now. Cardiff Bay has been completely transformed to a different world of retail,theatres,shops and restaurants. It’s much better and a lovely place to go to.
You can always come back down and I can meet you. In fact girls that would be a great meeting place for a reunion in the future. There are trains going there from every direction and an airport Kate.
How is everyone doing today?
Helen I am thinking of you especially as you seem to be doing so much of the organising on your own. It’s hard going.
I am bracing myself for next week as there are a few appointments at mums house and Paul is starting to dismantle some of the furniture that I want to keep ready to bring back here. I haven’t told him yet that I want to keep most of it. One room at a time.
I am just starting to realise that it’s just a house and that mum made it a home. It’s amazing to think she was an elderly lady who lived on her own but her house was full of brightness,love,fun and it just was so welcoming. Now it’s just so quiet and cold when I go there. Also her neighbours who I have always praised didn’t send me a Xmas card even though I bought every family member (5 in one house and 3 in the other) Xmas presents. It wasn’t the fact they didn’t get me so much as a small box of chocs but the fact I didn’t even get a card when every year I have done. It hurt me this year and also they don’t talk about mum any more and are more interested in who I have sold the house to. I know it’s life moving on but I think when you are grieving we pick up on the silliest tiniest things people do. It just made me think of it’s time to let go of the house now. I also think or rather can feel mum urging me to get on with it as she wouldn’t be happy that the house is empty. So I am starting to feel a little different which in lots of ways is good I suppose.
Keep going everyone.
Let’s get through Jan somehow x
Deborah xxxxx
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Any men allowed lol
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Hi everyone,
How are you all today?
It’s been a bitterly cold day here in Wales but managed to go out into my garden and have a bit of a tidy up. I know I am mad !!! Kate is it sunny with you ? I bet it is.
Helen hope you are managing to get through the days and enjoying the little ones.
Jules how was your first week back in school. I miss school life so much especially the children. Don’t think I should have retired when I did but there you go it’s done now.
Juniper how are you feeling now that you are back home?
Peter of course you are welcome to join us. Our partners join us so there’s men talk ( if they can get a word in edgeways lol)
How are you managing to get through everything?
Personally I am trying to rearrange my house so I can have most of mum’s furniture here. So Jan and Feb I am focusing on that. Then hopefully the weather will get better and in March I am hoping to exchange contracts on mum’s house. That is going to be a hell of a wrench but I have to get through it somehow. Kate have you exchanged contracts yet? What happens after the solicitor carries out the searches and the buyers surveyor does his report and the electrical inspection has been done. That’s the stage I am at so don’t know what comes next.
Anyway hope you are all doing the best you all can.
Love to you all.
Deborah xx
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Hi everyone,
I’m new here, well I’ve been a bit of a lurker just reading through several posts. I lost my mum on the 8th November 2023, just 4 days after my 29th birthday. I didn’t find out until the 11th that she had passed away. We had a fallout a few months prior. Some woman who lived on the same road found her in her flat, on the couch where she had passed away a couple of hours prior. The woman claimed to be her cousin and next of kin, this woman and her daughters cleared out mums flat and got rid of all her belongings before I even knew my mum was no longer with us. I only found out because this woman’s daughter sent me a Facebook message telling me she had cleared mums flat and she had a box of
Photographs of my children and she wanted my address so she could drop them off, I immediately sent her my phone number and she rung me. It was then she said to me “have you not heard from the police?” I said no… she responded with “your mum passed away on Wednesday”. It floored me. I texted her shortly after the phone call asking if I could collect the box rather than giving her my address. I rung my dad (they was separated for a few years but still married) and he come and picked me up and took me to this woman’s house. They very clearly had an issue with me and because I was upset and begging for answers, that they wouldn’t give me and laughed in my face, I got very angry and they rung the police. The police didn’t arrest me, they couldn’t believe what they’d been called out to. On Monday 13th November I managed to get hold of the coroner who was on the case (mum needed a post mortem because even though she had health issues such as lupus and COPD they wasn’t sure what had actually caused her death) and apparently this woman hadn’t told anyone about me and my dad and was more interested in claiming next of kin for herself. It was changed over to me so I got the police to come round with me to collect mums keys and bank card. When I gained access to mums flat, i walked in and everything of hers was gone. Aside from a fridge freezer, the couch she died on and a bag of towels. They’d gone in like vultures and taken everything. They’re on cctv taking 16 bin bags into the charity shop local to me. I have nothing of mums, not even a dressing gown or her glasses or anything. Absolutely nothing. Mum was only 63, she had a prepaid plan for a direct cremation with pure cremations. I have her ashes now, it’s been really rough. The police are heavily involved I can’t really get into it much on here incase the wrong person reads it. But the bottom line is, I’m really struggling with everything. I saw mum three times in the mortuary, it absolutely broke my heart. My 13 year old daughter came with me the first time, I had her when I was 15 and mum was her second mum. They had a massive bond. I have three other daughters aged 9,7 and 5. Everything has just been awful and I don’t know how to move forward I’m so consumed by grief and the police situation because a lot has come to light since mum passed, I don’t know how to function and I’m struggling so so so much. I had mental health problems (depression and anxiety) before this but now as everyone can probably relate it’s just gotten so much worse. My dad has been amazing, he’s been just as destroyed as me even though they’d separated a few years ago, they knew each other from the age of seven in primary school so it’s hit him hard. She died of coronary atheroma, myocardial ischemia and COPD in the end. It was so sudden and unexpected, I didn’t even hear from her on my birthday because we had fallen out. I will never be able to forgive myself for not being there at the end but I’ve done everything in my power to give mum a voice now she no longer is able to use hers, the police stuff is just unreal what’s gone on but I can’t go into it on here. I really don’t know how to go about
My day to day because all yas I can think of is mum, the case, the fact I have nothing of hers and I’m trying to be a support for my daughters especially my eldest. It’s wiping me out honestly 
Hi Molsul,
Oh my gosh I can’t believe what I have just read. It’s the most awful thing ever. My heart goes out to you.It really does. It sounds like the police are on the case do let them sort that side of things.
You have your four children now to keep you going and they are now your lifeline through all this.
As for the guilt I feel we all go through guilt of some kind when we lose someone near to us. I know I did and still feel guilty about some things and I know I always will. So it’s a case of managi g the guilt bec I don’t think it wil ever go away. It just eases.
May e this is a daft question but could you go along to the charity shop and speak yo someone who remembers you mum’s things being taken in and ask for some back. I know it sounds a strange thing to do but worth a try.
You can make a small area in your house as a memory table. I have done that. On my sideboard I have a photo of mum flowers and I bought a cross and a candle which I light every night. It really has helped me in so many ways and it’s a lovely way to keep her memory alive. I also think that whatever happened bet the two of you to fall out that your mum loved you with all her heart. You know that esp with having 4 children of your own. Nothing compares to a mum’s love so remember now the good times. When the grief gets really really bad try to picture a good memory. Easier said than done I know but that’s what I do even if it’s on the middle of the night. It helps a little.
Also this site is a godsend. I am sure other people will respond soon to you with other advice love and support. We have all lost our precious mum’s and going through this grief journey is sheer hell at times. But this is a safe site to post on and you are amongst people who understand and will talk about their own experiences which I think I’d do lovely bec we can learn so much from each other.
Put your own health first now ok and right now look after yourself after the shock of everything. Your girls are your way through this terrible grief so keep strong for them
Love Deborah x
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Hi Deborah,
Thank you for responding to me, I feel so lost. Regarding the charity shop, we did that but unfortunately we was a week too late. Mum had an addiction to the shopping channels, i think its because her mobility had declined so much so it was just one of her little pleasures, she wasn’t on the internet or anything like that and she had a very basic phone. She couldn’t ever get her head around all the technology stuff as she used to say! So the stuff she had, was in really good condition, Clothes, bedding, blankets etc the stuff she bought was hardly used and most, brand new. So unfortunately in the run up to christmas the stuff just flew out. The manager told us we were welcome to walk around freely and if we found anything then we could just take it but unfortunately we couldn’t find anything. They’d also got rid of all mums christmas decorations, things she had collected over her years, such as things from my childhood that were always brought out at christmas time, the more time goes on i’m remembering different items and i’m always left with the question ‘Well where is that now’ and unfortunately i’m unable to get any answers because it’s vanished. She was a very clean person too, so all of her stuff was in excellent condition. This woman and her family, had been going around the flat with a roll of those empty rectangular sticky labels sticking them on things with their names on as to was having what, I found the backing off some of the roll and you could see the imprint off the pen they’d used and you could clearly see their names on it - the police now have that for evidence. Mum was a hoarder when it came to post also, she would keep every single letter from years and years ago from various addresses etc and none of it was in her flat. vanished, gone. Even photos from my childhood, just the photos that accumulate from life and having a family, gone. No word of a lie, there was nothing left and it’s like my mum has just vanished out of my life. So i feel robbed of the process of going through mum’s things after her death and deciding what was sentimental and even just finding stuff that brought back memories for me. Its just made everything so much harder and the loss has been amplified more than i could ever explain. If i didn’t have my dad, my partner and our girls, i don’t even know what sort of a state i’d be in now. It’s just been so hard and i genuinely am traumatized by this whole thing, as if losing your mum isn’t hard enough on its own. I hope to be able to mingle with everyone on this thread i think it’s important for me to have that outside support just to be able to speak to others that have lost their mum too, albeit different circumstances but this is my first experience of a death so close to home and i’m finding myself just floating through life on autopilot because my head is absolutely mashed.
I hope everyone else is doing as ok as they can today.
Molly x
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Molly, hi and welcome, am so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, not only losing your Mum but not being allowed the process of going through your Mum’s things and feeling close to her that way. Am so sorry you’ve been denied that! I also lost my mum to a heart and blood pressure related condition, stroke. It does feel like they are suddenly whisked away from you, like they’re stolen away. I think a memory table sounds like a really good idea, or even print out any digital photos you have of her from years gone by? I don’t have many of my mum cos she wasnt keen to have her picture taken, so the ones you have become very precious! I write to my Mum when I’m missing her, like a wee diary and I feel like I’ve talked to her and told her everything. I’ve also felt this “floating” feeling as well, like your detached from reality, it must be something to do with a traumatic experience. You sound a strong person, with lots of love to give, I hope you can feel better in yourself, it’s hard. It does pass, give yourself plenty time. Gill xx
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