Hi Molsul,
I forgot to mention in my earlier post to you how brave I think you are to share such a personal story with us on here. It takes tremendous guts to write about what has happened to you.
As Juniper has mentioned it takes time and right now is the raw time .The guy wrenching crying all the time,not sleeping and not looking after yourself.
You have made such a big step in reaching out on this site because the lovely thing about this site is that no one judges you. Every person on here has a different story and as time goes on you will be able to look back and see how far you have come in this awful grief journey.
Right now you have to rest,sleep and eat and make sure your own wellbeing comes first. The girls need you.
The diary Juniper talked about is such a good idea too.
Even involve the children in making a collage about their nan and add their drawings or any photos you have. You are all grieving so I it will help the children too
It’s appalling absolutely appalling what has happened and I hope with all my heart the police get to the bottom of it all.
But it’s not going to bring your mum back so you have to find a few different ways to cope.
You will get stronger but it will take ages but this awful pain will ease a little over the next few months.
Have you thought about counselling for yourself and the children . Talk to your children’s school and maybe they can arrange something for them Just a thought
Deborah x
Hey,
Sorry I haven’t got back to everyone sooner, I’ve not felt too good.
The collage with the girls is a lovely idea and the memory table, thank you so much.
I have already started the book of letters to mum and I write in it multiple times a day, I started that more or less as soon as I found out she had gone to heaven. I also bought my eldest daughter the same book and she does it too, at first she was showing me and reading things that she had wrote but I said to her you don’t have to tell me or anyone else what you’ve wrote if you don’t want to, nobody will ever nosy in that book it’s completely private and she keeps a lot to herself now but at the start I think she kind of felt like she had to share every single thing she wrote if that makes sense. I told her only share it if you want to.
I have spent the last few weeks digging into all my old memory sticks etc, dad has done the same…looking for photos of mum. She used to love the camera, but when she got poorly with lupus, scleroderma, COPD etc she deteriorated and hated the way she looked so it become harder and harder to get her to have a photo taken, luckily I still have some but not as many as I’d like. I’ve had a photo printed A4 size for my daughter it’s in her bedroom in a frame, I’ve tried to kind of throw all my focus into being her support, I bought her a granddaughter charm for her Pandora bracelet etc and I’ve really done my best to look after the girls but when it comes to looking after myself it’s a no go, I’ve lost two stone without even trying, I can’t eat I’m struggling to sleep etc. I told the doctors very early on in this horrific journey that I’d like some bereavement counselling because I knew I already suffered with mental health problems and I wanted to try and get ontop of it before it really kicked in, the woman I spoke to was nothing short of a joke. She just texted me through the link for cruse bereavement services and she wasn’t very interested in what I had to say. I looked on there and it’s a phone call counselling service but what I really wanted was somebody I could go to and sit in their office as a 1-1 but I’m finding it hard to locate it especially when you consider NHS waiting lists, I know I’m not the only one who needs the support but it makes me worry if I don’t get support now then by the time something materialises then will I have just already jumped the hurdles on my own and not have a reason to go? I’m not sure if that’s made much sense, I think I’m just rambling on. Thank you for reading what I’ve had to say and responding to me, it means the world. I feel very alone at the moment because I’m the mum, I’m the one responsible for everyone else’s feelings but I don’t really get the support for ME. I think my partner just expects me to be over it somewhat by now and function but I can’t and it’s just as fresh now as it was when I was told on the 11th November. I hate knowing she died on her own and I had no idea she was anywhere near that point yet, I keep thinking about if I had known, I’d have been round there like a shot and I’d have cared for her right up until her final breath. I just wish I was given that chance. Seeing her in the mortuary was awful because the last time I saw her she was ok she waved me off and told me to text her when I was home safe, I am struggling to understand how in such a short space of time it can go from A to B. I’d never seen a dead body before, so I was extremely scared and nervous going into the mortuary, I broke down as soon as they opened the door to the room mum was in, but then I stroked her hair and talked to her and there was nothing to be scared of. On the second visit where I didn’t have my partner or my daughter it was just me and dad, I went into what I can only describe as a child like state. Dad had left the room for a moment to give me some time with mum and I laid my head on her chest and sobbed, I was begging her to wake up. It was like an outer body experience. I fell to the floor in tears and my dad came in and literally had to grip me off the floor and squeeze me telling me she can’t wake up and I snapped back into reality then. I’m so confused about that, whatever ‘that’ was… I felt like a child.
Molly xx
Hi Molly
Welcome to the group and I’m so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. It sounds awful and you are doing the right thing by reaching out here. We all support each other however far down the line we are on this horrible journey.
I lost my lovely mum in October 22 very suddenly to cardiac arrest. Although she was 85 and had heart failure it was unexpected.
Any loss is traumatic, but sudden loss makes you feel bereft of those last words, hugs, goodbyes and in your case you were denied much more as you found out in tragic circumstances. My heart truly goes out to you and you are so young too.
It seems impossible that they were here with us and then gone in an instant.
I too felt like a little girl seeing mum in the coffin although I was nearly 51 at the time. It seemed impossible. Mum had struggled with her health for years, but I never really thought she would go like that.
Whatever age they are or we are, losing a mother is a life altering moment.
As Deborah says, you have your daughters to carry on for as they need you now. I’m so grateful that I too have an 11 year old son who has given me a reason to go on in these dark months. Our mums would want us to go on for them.
The grief will slowly become more manageable, but in all honesty I still do get some flashbacks to finding mum and it’s still hard going into her room ( she was living with us).
It’s less raw now but I miss mum so much every single day and I will forever.
Please post as often as you want to, we can all give you our advice and support to help you at this awful time.
Much love,
Kate xxx
Hi Everyone
How are you all?
Helen I’m thinking of you today and sending my love.
The ideas for the remembrance service sound lovely and I’m sure you are putting your heart into organising everything.
Deborah it’s sunny but cold here. Yesterday morning-5 and we spent the whole day at a football tournament freezing our socks off ! I hope he remembers these sacrifices when he’s famous lol!!
I’m at the same stage as you re the house sale. All the searches are being done at the moment.
I guess we have to be patient and I’m taking it one stage at a time.
Cardiff sounds great and will take me back to my uni days there but the airport doesn’t do flights to Italy really, the best bet is Ryan Air and I could always fly to Birmingham or Bristol and then get a train.
It would be just myself as we will have the doggy by then.
Don’t forget Italy could be on the agenda too!! It’s lovely in May! Just an idea.
I love the pics, I really want to get to know Wales more, it’s so beautiful.
Anyway I’ll sign off for now and wish you all a good start to the week.
Take care all.
K xxxx
Hi everyone,
Just want to say I am thinking of you today Helen. We are all here for you. It’s so tough for you and your family. Rest after all this and focus on yourself.
Molly as Kate said we will never stop missing out mum’s but just have to take small steps each day. You have already put a lot of things in place so we’ll done. This site is a good place to gain support and advice which is probably what you would get via a telephone counselling service It will all take a very long time to sink in so throw yourself into being the lovely mum you are to your girls and in time you will realise that it’s also helping you too. I too went to see my mum in the chapel of rest and I think you have shown grey courage to do that and I am sure you put the past to rest and feel better for it.
Kate I am sure you would love being a footballers mum lol. I remember the days well of watching Glyn play in the freezing cold with a hot water bottle and coffee to keep me going. Then washing all the kit!!!
Yes we will have to sort out a reunion for
2024. Where is the nearest airport to your place ?
Jules ,Juniper and Peter how are you all doing today? What’s the weather like with you. We are supposed to be having snow next week. Can’t wait lol. I love it.
Love to you all
Deborah x
I saw that the other day Kate. It’s so true isn’t it
Hi everyone,
How are you all getting on?
Any snow with anyone?
Nothing so far in Wales well not West Wales anyway. I expect North Wales has had some.
Noticed I have some daffodils starting to appear in my garden. Mum loved daffodils especially as it was the emblem of Wales .Well one of them anyway.Mum and I always used to get a small sack of daffs each year and plant them. Hers used to be in pots and mine mostly on the bank outside my kitchen or in the border outside the front of my house. I remember mum helping me plant them the year before she passed and we decided we would need two bags next time. When I looked out of the window this morning I could remember her saying how she wondered which type of daffs would grow as they were a mixed sack.
I also realised that this time last year I had picked many of the daffs that we had grown for the table displays at mums funeral. It was so sad but I wanted her daffs there. It seemed special at the time.
Did your mum’s have a favourite flower?
Love Deborah x
Hi Deborah, I love that story, daffodils are a real sign of longer days, the sun coming back to us and giving more light! I dream of warmer, longer days. I noticed it was light here until 430pm today, but it was a very bright cold day. We’ve had no real snow, just a deep frost and ice. There’s proper snow in the north of Scotland. My Mum’s favourite flowers were geraniums. She had them in pots all round the house, lots of different colours. We had a regular geranium visit to her grave until the autumn when they were changed to some plastic ones from the country basket shop. She also liked Hosta plants, but geraniums were her big love lol. So, my news is, on Friday, we are going to visit the vet with my Mum’s wee cat. She is 21 and her body is now failing her. Its hard to watch and the vet thinks it’s time for her to be put to sleep. Just feel she’s a last link to my Mum, but maybe Mum is calling her, saying, it’s time to be with me in the next life. We will miss her and her wee ways. A really special pal who has been with us for years. Sometimes I wish i was a child again, or that it was 10 years ago and we had the time over again. I’d not change anything. Best wishes to all of you xxx
Hi Juniper,
Aww mum loved geraniums also and had a few in her garden She especially loved the very bright pink ones.
We had snow last night. Quite a lot too. Will post some photos later. Woke at 4am and peeped out and there was a covering and I thought that was it. At about 8am I looked and my goodness its thick so we must have had a lot in the 4 hrs in between.
We can’t get our car out to get to the main road so it’s that bad. So pretty though especially the different trees covered in snow.
Aww I feel so sad about your cat. Yes I would think like you that its a last link to your mum.
My mum had a black cat for years but died approx 20 yrs ago. On the day after mum passed we saw a black cat in her garden. It was just like the one mum had. Jet black all over. The strange thing is after mum passed I went to the house many weeks after and as it was summer time I had the back door open. Anyway this black cat came running in and mum had mentioned it had done this a few times but didnt know whose cat it was. On the day I was there I sent it out and closed the door and when I went out after a few hours it was sitting on her mat outside the door curled up sleeping. Anyway it moved when I went out to my car. On returning it was back on the mat. A few hours later I returned to the house and it was there again just sleeping .
I left the house but returned a few days later and there was the cat again. It’s strange because I know it wasn’t there for food as mum didn’t start giving it food as she wasn’t sure whose cat it was and was worried she wouldn’t be able to get it out of the house. I really think it was grieving for her or certainly knew something had happened to mum. It has all stopped now and I haven’t seen the cat at all.
Yes I agree I think your mum is calling for her. And it’s comforting in a way to know they will be back together. Still sad for you though.
I know what you mean about going back 10 yrs ago. If only we could do that. I wouldn’t change anything except do far more with mum. We did so so much together but I could have squeezed more in.
It’s so hard carrying on but we have so much love and support on here.
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi girls, aww Deborah, I absolutely love daffodils. We got married in April and a few of our wedding pictures are with a load of daffodils. I love the hope that they bring when you first see the shoots. Then in March they are like a big burst of yellow sunshine announcing winter is ending and spring is here!! Mum never really mentioned a favourite flower but dad loved lupins. He said his grandad used to grow them in the garden and they were so colourful and bright, he just loved them
I’ve been getting to sleep okay but waking up early and not getting back to sleep. Yesterday morning I went to a place called Werneth Low which is actually quite high despite its name. On one side you can see across to Manchester and on the other side you can see right across the Pennines across Lancashire and the Peak District in Derbyshire further round. It was bitterly cold but so beautiful and quiet up there. The sun was just peeping over the hills.
I’m doing okay girls. I am waiting for a big crash which will happen and so it should. I feel I’ve been suppressing my grief a bit because the girls are here and also busy planning the ‘Thanksgiving’ service. It will come out when it needs to and I will just let it flow.
Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
Aww lovely pics Helen. It’s good that you are getting out in nature, so good for the soul.
I’m missing the Uk so much now. They talk about secondary grief and it’s true that there are so many secondary losses in grief.
The loss of our family homes and traditions and in my case no real tie to my home town now.
Even though I’ve lived abroad for nearly 28 years and spent the previous 4 years away studying, I’ve always felt strong ties to my home town.
It’s always been my home, my place.
Now I feel bereft of that too. It’s a strange and heartbreaking feeling. Mum was my anchor to Gloucester. Now the house will be gone soon and despite having friends and family there I feel no real tie. Thinking of the places we went with mum just makes me so sad now.
Mum loved flowers too and I often bought her bouquets. Strangely she loved wild cornflowers but also roses, daffodils and loved seeing the first snowdrops appear every winter. She’d always say Spring isn’t far away now. I bought some daffodil bulbs and planted them in the autumn as they really remind me of home.
I hope they sprout soon.
I’m sorry about your mum’s cat Gill, it does seem like your mum’s calling for her. Take peace that they’ll be back together when the time comes.
No snow here yet… only in the mountains.
Hope you are all keeping warm.
I’ll sign off now as I have a lesson.
Keep strong and keep going forward everyone.
Sending love to you all.
K xxxx
Hiya,
The photos are lovely Helen. Everywhere looks so different covered in snow. We have had quite a lot here. Havent ventured out as had hell of a day dealing with all sorts. There was an error on the portal that the solicitors use for selling the house and so yesterday I had to redo everything which was so upsetting. Then today there were further problems with the portal which they admit is their fault. I phoned the solicitor to say I would go to their office personally with the required documentation on Monday and hand them in. It makes life so much easier. All this technology these days is fine but when something goes wrong it really does complicate things.
Been also trying to get through to someone in admissions in the hosp as i am due a minor op and after three years waiting I had a voice mail yesterday to say to phone a certain person in admissions. Well I started phoning at 9am this morn and its been engaged all day. May be the snow though so will try again tom.
Then have had numerous emails from an accountant dealing with the capital gains tax after the sale of the house so my head is spinning.
Just going to write off today I think.
Kate I feel that also about my home town. There is no one left there that is related to me and I feel so sad driving through there. Mum was the last one in our family to live there. Its quite a strange feeling and it hits hard.
I also find it so sad that I will never go to some of the places in the town again eg doctors, dentist, opticians, foot clinic, hairdresser, chemist, bank, church etc. All the places I took mum. It has cut all my ties with the town. It really is a wrench in all sorts of ways. I had formed bonds with the people in all the places as we had been going there for years. Even going on the town service bus which was a community in itself with the locals all having the bus gossip lol. My life has changed in so many ways.
Gill how are things today with your cat?
Love Deborah x
Hi all, thanks for asking about our Lola. Dad and I had to take her to the vet today, so it was an earlier goodbye. She was very ill, and by the time i reached Kintyre from Glasgow, she had deteriorated quite badly. Maybe I should have asked Dad to take her rather than wait for me, as she was quite far gone, but it wasn’t fair to ask him to deal with it alone. I think elderly cats can take a long time for their wee heart 
to stop beating. She was a strong wee thing and I’ll feel a big gap. I think my Dad is relieved as she was a worry for him. There’s a nice pet cremation service here, thankfully. I feel a bit shell shocked, like I’ve been hanging on to her as a life line for years, and now, wish Mum was here as well to say cheerio, I feel Mum’s loss even more. I’m lucky as I still have my Dad as a link to my home town, but honestly, I have always felt like a bit of a stranger here. It’s a very small community, and remote too. I don’t really know where I feel at home now, just wherever I am happiest. I don’t really know where that is though. Thanks all, it’s good to hear how you’re all doing. It feels like the end of an era with both Mum and Lola gone. Your support is lovely to have. Gill xxx
Aww Gill I can understand how sad and disoriented you feel about little Lola. Our pets are our little fur babies and losing them is just so hard.
Thinking of you.
K xxxx
Hi girls, oh Deborah and Kate, I really feel for you both losing your ties to a place. Deborah, it sounds like you spent half your time with your mum in her home so no wonder you are feeling a huge loss. All that familiarity and the people you got to know. Let alone having to say goodbye to your mums home. I’m dreading all this.
Kate, I feel sad that you are missing home so much. I’m sure it will get easier as time goes on. Having the puppy might help you feel more anchored where you are. I was talking to a friend and I was saying I’m going to make some changes and how I feel like moving more rural. She said ‘there’s nothing keeping you here now!’ It just made me realise how much I’ve lost. My sisters live about 30 miles away, my brother is in Edinburgh and now mum and dad are gone. Only a few years ago we all lived within 2 square miles of each other so were always popping round to each other’s houses. It’s all such a huge change. I am feeling quite lost right now and trying to work out how I want to spend the rest of my life. I’m even questioning my marriage! I don’t know if anyone else’s relationship has been affected by all this but I feel my outlook on life is so different now. What do I want from life? How can I get the best from the rest of my days? I think losing both my parents has just brought it home to me how fragile life is and how fast it goes too. I think it’s probably all part of the grief but I’m questioning everything. I’ll allow myself this year to heal and then maybe work out a plan. Now is not the time for any big decisions.
Gill, I’m so sorry to hear about your mums cat. Not just the loss of a much loved animal but like you say, another link to your mum. 2 months after mum died we had to get our gorgeous dog put to sleep. It was a terrible time but I have an image of mum opening her arms and my Stella running and jumping up to her. It’s a comfort.
Jules, it sounds like you are really settling well into your new job. I’m so pleased. I started mine 2 weeks before Christmas then losing dad on Boxing Day meant I’ve been off. I’m going back in 2 weeks and am looking forward to some normality. 2023 took so much from me, I need to take some time to settle into my new job and start healing again. Hope your dad is doing okay. I know how hard it is watching your dad lose his spark and become so low. It’s hard to bear.
Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
Hi girls,
Lovely to hear from you all but Gill such sad news to read. I am glad you were with your dad though. It will take a long time to let it all sink in but I think your mum was calling for her little dog.
Helen wooooh hang on now. Don’t make any big decisions yet. Far too early lovely. It’s a big change not having family living near for sure but you are familiar with your home town so give yourself plenty of time to think what’s your future. Also I have found that after being married for 35 yrs i am finding lots of things different and it’s all because of this horrible grieving which has changed me as a person. I spent a huge amount of time with mum and it took a special husband to put up with that. Our social life was gone. I stopped having a glass of wine even just in case I had a phone call to dash to mum and as she lived 40 miles away from me I couldn’t get there except by driving. I was always at mums so now being at home all the time has changed the situation big time. Being both retired has changed everything also. So it’s a different life in lots of ways. I don’t think even husbands truly understand the grief we are going through bec our grief is so deep bec of the love we felt for our mum’s. Not everyone has or feels the same love as us as they simply didn’t have the close relationships with their mum’s and for whatever other reason. So it’s tough I think for even husbands and partners to actually get what we are going through. I have personally found that when I burst into tears just bec of thinking of mum or something triggers me Paul doesn’t know what to say and sometimes in my fragile state I think he doesn’t care when of course he does.
I would love to live in the heart of the country but love the shops too much lol
Where we live I can walk to the shops although nothing like the ones in Manchester. The nearest beach is approx 10 mins away and the Preseli Mountains about 3 miles away where I can escape to and see nothing but mountains and fields for miles. My dream would be to move to Llanstephan where my mum was born and grew up as I just love the village atmosphere centred around a small church. It has a beach I could walk to and a beautiful castle. That is where our chalet is so for now I will keep it as my retreat.
Kate I don’t think I have ever been to Gloucester so we have to have a reunion there sometime.
Keep going everyone. It’s easier said than done I know. I am just a message away if anyone low.
Love Deborah x
Hi everyone,
lovely to see some of the photos you’ve posted, I got a bit sad earlier in the week when we had snow in Manchester because mum always loved looking at it, she used to say it’s lovely to look at but not to be out in! She hated the cold, but she always said it looked like something off a Christmas card. I said to my partner that it was sad because it was the first time it had snowed since she passed away, although it may have sounded a bit silly it made sense to me. I’m really sorry to hear about the cat, I have a couple of calico cats called Nelly and Tallulah. Nelly is 4 this year and Tallulah is about 10 months old. My partner isn’t much of a cat person but me and the girls love them. Mum wasn’t a cat person either, she had two west highland terriers that sadly died aged 13 & 14 a few years ago and it broke mum’s heart, so I do imagine the image of mum being up there (wherever there is) now reunited with them.
I’m not doing too good, still early days I suppose but I would be lying if i said I wasn’t struggling and to be honest I don’t ever see how this pain can ease. I’d do anything to see mum again just for five minutes so I could say goodbye properly as I wasn’t there for her at the end. I just hope she knew that I loved her despite the fact we wasn’t speaking towards the end and it’s something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’m still struggling to comprehend how final death is, it’s always a case of “It doesn’t happen to me it’s something that happens to other people” sort of mindset. Is that just the shock?
No movement from the police, it’s looking like we are going to have to go down the complaints route as nobody is in a rush to do anything and it’s not helping the grief and the amount of unanswered questions we have been left with.
My daughter’s are off school today with a cold and cough, another reason I don’t like this time of year!
Has anyone got any plans for the weekend? I can’t wait until payday, January is always rough because of how expensive Christmas is!
I understand the feelings surrounding relationships/marriages. Ive been with my partner for nearly ten years and it’s been one hell of a rocky ten years to say the least. I don’t feel supported the way I should, I need the support now more than ever but it’s just not there. There is a horrible tension in the air and it’s not nice. Everytime i mention mum it kind of gets shrugged off? It confuses me, but then again he hasn’t really been there for me much throughout the relationship and always leaves me when things get tough so I guess it’s my own fault for expecting it to be different because of the circumstances. Truth is i’m not happy, I wasn’t happy before mum passed away for a while so it’s not a surprise to be honest that i’m feeling this way now. The house is vile, i’ve not kept up with the housework as i’ve just been in survival mode and if I don’t do it then it doesn’t get done. He doesn’t work so there isn’t much of an excuse for it. I’ve thought about ending things for a long time but I haven’t because of the girls, but I have to try to put myself first and make sure i’m happy so I can be the mum my daughter’s deserve. It’s not the right time to end things now but maybe in the future it will be the right time. I hope this thread is secure as I don’t want him stumbling across this at all. I might end up deleting it when You’ve all seen it. I just feel like a burden as thats how everything seems. I’m just invisible and it’s been that way for a very long time. Sorry for rambling on, i don’t have friends and i’m in the house 24/7 and ive felt comfortable sharing these things with you lovely ladies, just for a bit of advice really. Everything that can go wrong lately, has and will go wrong.
I really hope everyone is ok as can be today.
Sending love and light <3
Molly xx