Hi all, No now is definitely not the time for any big decisions. We are grief stricken and our judgement is marred. We read into things the wrong way and over analyse. I think the focus should be on healing and getting stronger mentally and physically. We need to look after all aspects of our health and in time the clouds will lift and we will be in a better place to make any changes/decisions.
P.S. Deborah your garden looks fabulous. Those views and is that a swimming pool I see? Xx
Lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Molsul,
First of all I want to say that my notifications come through on my email page on my computer so someone can easily press to get into your account. On my phone it’s different and I need a password to get into the phone. So double check ok.
Everything you have said is exactly what we have all felt esp at the beginning. Grief changes us beyond all recollection. I was the same as you in that I didn’t do any housework for months.In fact I didn’t even get out of bed for 3 mths approx except to go to a meeting to arrange mum’s funeral. I would put a brave face on and then return home to bed. The other girls will tell you I was honestly really in a dark place just like they were. Give yourself time to decide what you want to do but as Helen just said right now is not the right time
I completely agree you must put yourself first even before the girls because if you don’t look after yourself you will not be able to look after them and they need you to be strong.
Your mum knew you loved her but I can understand how upset you are about not seeing her at the end. She can see you now whatever you think.
How about getting the girls involved with the housework? Make it fun! Make a little reward for them helping even if it’s something very small like a treat of some kind. A beauty night maybe eg nails face mask hair styling. Sounds a good exchange for some housework
Just keep telling yourself you are doing well. I have a 29 yr old son who couldn’t possibly look after 4 children so give yourself a massive tap on the back at what you have achieved in life. My goodness any mum would be so proud of you as I am sure your mum was and still is. You just need to focus on yourself more and take baby steps in this horrible grieving. Keep posting my lovely as we are all here for you.
Helen you are so like me !!! I over think things and over analyse. My name should be Mrs Over analyse ! I also worry a lot. I tend to do things straight away which is hard when you have a husband and son who are so laid back !The past year has been horrendous for us all and we have somehow got through such a lot and you have had a double whammy which has set you back. You have had so much to handle with family staying and it’s only after all this is over that you will be able to even start to see things a bit clearer let alone deal with your own wellbeing.
For me I have to concentrate on myself this year well after the house sale goes through. Yesterday was so traumatic for me in dealing with the solicitor their portal accountants and HMRC that by the time I went to bed I have never felt so screwed up in all my life. It made me realise that mum would want me to look after myself better.She always looked so smart and young for her age and if she ever saw me looking scruffy she would tell me off. Well 2024 has to be my year of finding ME again even if it’s just looking after my appearance more.
Yes it’s a swimming pool Helen. We are very lucky. When you come down I will have a special lilo for you with a hole for your wine glass !!!
Love to everyone
Deborah x
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Hi Molly
You grief is so new and raw you are doing so well even if it doesn’t seem like it. It’s still very early days. It’s true : Deborah, like us all, was in a very dark place a year ago but we have all made so much progress on this journey of ours. You will too love.
Let me just say that while I can understand your feelings of guilt because your mum and you had fallen out, please realise she knew how much you loved her and viceversa. I too fell out with my mum now and then. Maybe we didn’t speak for a day or so, but we both knew how much we loved each other. Always. The mother daughter relationship is sometimes complicated, especially if you and your mum had similar temperaments, but it’s a bond that not even death can break.
I found it hard … still do tbh, as I wasn’t able to say goodbye to mum and tell her all the feelings I had inside including my immense gratitude to her, how much I loved her and how lucky I was that she was with us at the end. I found writing to her helped, I still send her emails now and then or speak to her framed photo containing her ashes.
I feel she can hear me. I’m sure your mum can see you and doesn’t want you to feel guilt.
I’ve been dreaming of mum the past few nights although I can’t always remember everything when I wake up, but I feel a little happier if that makes sense.
Grief makes us question everything about our life. At 52 I feel like maybe my life needs to change routes. It’s true that we shouldn’t make any rash decisions now, just take time to heal as Helen says and then review how you feel about things a few months down the line. There’s no rush.
For now you need to put yourself first with the help of your girls. How old are they? I bet they miss their nan/gran too. Do you have any siblings to support you?
Anyhow baby steps for now and don’t stress about the housework. My partner was a star because for the first 3 months I was basically sat in a daze on mum’s spot on the sofa doing nothing but grieving, Then I found this forum and slowly the fog started to lift because I felt less alone.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
K xxxx
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Ps I’m getting a Westie next month. They are such cuties aren’t they? Xx:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
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Helen your words resonate so much with me. As I said I’m questioning my life at 52. This loss and grief has made me question everything. I miss the Uk and I’m questioning why I’m living here….
Mum always wanted me to go back to England, it was a bit of a bone of contention with her that I live abroad. Now that she’s gone I feel like I want to go back……
I feel that she’d say I spent 30 years wanting you to come back and now you are contemplating it seriously….!! 
I have my life, my friends, my job here but is that enough? I’m a true Sagittarian, so need to move on often and I get itchy feet easily. The town where I live is quite provincial and I can’t imagine staying here indefinitely. 12 years for me in one place is already a record tbh!!!
I don’t know, it’s true that we are all still healing and shouldn’t make rash decisions, but you may feel like I do once the girls have gone back.
It will be hard always not just popping around to your mum and dads as you already know.
As you say, we need to heal and take time to think things over properly. We’re all here to support each other in this strange new life.
Love to you and everyone here.
K xxxx
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We still probably feel quite lost Kate. We are searching for a sense of belonging because we’ve lost the centre of our worlds. At the moment I just feel like going away to a remote island on my own with just my thoughts. It’s lovely having the girls here but I haven’t time to think as it’s so full on. They go back on Tuesday and I know I’ll be so upset saying goodbye but at the same time I am longing for some solitude. On the surface we look okay and people think we’ve ’got over it’. But we know we still have our struggles. We are healing though even though it doesn’t feel like that, we are. Thinking of you Kate and all of us. Love Hxxx
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Hi Molly, I’m so sorry you haven’t had the support from your partner. You have so much to deal with, you need someone to have your back right now. I can’t say that about my hubby as he has been very supportive but he works all the time. It makes me question if I want this for the rest of my life. He goes on his bike all day Sunday so we only really have Saturday together. Most of the time it’s me who initiates any trips or activities. Anyway, I’m getting petty now. The grief is just making me question everything. I just can’t imagine what the furniture will hold. You take care of yourself and try and make time for you. Lots of love Helen xxx
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That’s the future not the ‘furniture’ 
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Awwww Kate
You have written such lovely words to Molly. I knew you would pop up with some kind words because like Molly you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Molly you see you really are not alone. And the way you feel right now is normal. Emotions run high when you grieve and of course mums and daughters fall out. Its only natural. Mums and sons fall out also. Take that from me. Its a fact !!! Don’t dwell on that for too long because your mum loved you despite any falling out.
When I met the vicar after my mum passed she told me that the bond a mum and daughter share is like a golden thread of love that entwines them both and can never be broken even in good and bad times. It is she said a bond that a person can almost touch.
I know she referenced it as mother and daughter but it also applies to a mother and son because no matter what my son has done or possibly will do in his life I shall always love him, be there for him, fight his corner for him and I would honestly lie down and die for him. I have never told my son that but its something all mothers feel and your mum would have felt the same. The fact that you fell out would never have changed how she felt.
Try writing to her like Kate mentioned in a diary or keep an online log of it so you can add to it 24/7. You can look back at it one day and realise how far your grief journey has changed. Anything you can do will help you.
Aww Kate such great news about the Westie. He/she will be a great addition to your family and it will get spoiled rotten.
Helen how about you going on a wellbeing retreat after all this ? Maybe that’s what we should all do sometime because my goodness we need one. I have never been on anything like that. It would be lovely to go somewhere and switch off amongst nature, IT and people though.
How are you tonight Gill and Jules ?
Love
Deborah x
Molly that is so beautiful. It’s just what your mum and all our mums are saying to us from up there. Thanks for sharing this.
K xxxx
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Hi Molly,
This is one of the loveliest things I have ever read. I even want to print it and frame it. It just sums up everything doesn’t it.
Thank you for sharing it with us.x
Deborah x
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Hi, I’m new here as I lost my mum suddenly on new year’s day. Told to do CPR but I knew she’d gone. Reading your post about how you were feeling anxious etc really resonated with me as I feel the same. Never had anxiety before always been a positive person and the string one of the family. Thought I was having a panic attack the other day and the Dr has prescribed some Sertraline to hopefully help. Everything now is making me anxious in terms of my health and my families health. I’m praying that other people’s experiences can show that although life will never be the same again that I will get the old me back at some point and this feeling I have now won’t last forever as my mum would hate that and want me to live and enjoy life. 
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Hi Titch7674,
I am so sorry to read your post but welcome to our group. Most of us here have lost our mum’s approx a year ago or more recently and I don’t think any of us have got our old selves back yet. Not sure if it will happen again for me anyway but everyone is different. It will take a long time and we just have to take small steps in this grieving and then healing process I guess. I agree our mum’s wouldn’t want us to live our lives like this but it’s very hard to see anything different at the moment. I am sure we will though and that’s all we can all do is hope we get back to some normality one day.You have done the right thing in seeing your GP. Take all the help you can get from anyone.
Thinking of you x
Deborah x
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Hi Titch7674
Welcome to this thread. Your situation is so similar to mine. It’s brutal finding your mum like that, as I did, but take comfort that she wouldn’t have suffered and was comfortable in her pjs on the sofa. She wouldn’t have been aware.
I know how hard it is now, but in time your grief will become less stinging and you will slowly find you are be able to let it live aside you instead of consuming you as it does now,
After 15 months on this journey, I still miss mum so much and think of her constantly, but I can also experience moments of joy and remember the good times without experiencing excruciating pain.
Post whenever you need to.
Sending love and strength.
K xxxx
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Thanks it really is comforting knowing you’re not alone. I just feel that knowing there’s hope and that you can learn to live with the grief helps. I’ll miss my mum every day but I want to be able to think of her in a more positive way rather than with this pain! I am really trying to take comfort that she’s reunited with dad and she wouldn’t have known she’s just slipped away in her sleep just as she wanted to
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@Nick22 I’m sorry for your loss. Sudden death is absolutely the most devastating event ever.
My life totally shattered on the 4th May 2023.
I was baking cakes with my mum for my son’s school fate on the morning of that day and everything seemed fine. We were laughing and joking and messing about as usual.
I left her to pick up my son and go home, we said our usual goodbye, everything was just as it always was.
My mum sent her usual goodnight text as she did every night. we were very close, myself and her grandchildren were all she had. She had bought me up on her own with no siblings so it was always us against the world.
It was a normal night until I got a phone call from her at 9:30 pm saying she couldn’t breathe. I asked my partner to call her back as myself and my son quickly drove over to her house to see what was wrong.
I got to her house, went straight upstairs and found her unresponsive on her bed, my son called an ambulance and I done checks to see if she was breathing ( I’m a medic so knew what to do). She wasn’t breathing so I got her on the floor and started cpr to try and restart her heart but it wasn’t working. The ambulance arrived and tried everything they could for an hour to get her back but everything failed and she was pronounced dead at 22:54. I just went on to autopilot as the police arrived and then the coroner to collect her body. A postmortem revealed she had a massive pulmonary embolism and couldn’t be saved no matter what anybody done. Even though I’ve been told this numerous times, I can’t get it into my head. I’ve saved numerous people at work that I don’t know but I couldn’t save the one person that meant everything to me.
I’m struggling so much, I can’t see my way through. The flashbacks, the nightmares, sirens etc keep sending me back to the scene constantly. The gp just keeps giving me pills that don’t help. The waiting list for counselling is huge, even though I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd.
I’m in a hole and every time I try to get out I fall deeper.
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Hi @Titch7674
Welcome to the club that unfortunately none of us would have ever chosen to be in x
I’m so sorry for your loss of your mum, you are among friends here who are experiencing the same loss and grief and who can most likely understand and empathise with what you are going through.
I lost my mum 21 weeks ago tomorrow and there has not been 1 day that my heart hurts beyond words and how I would give everything up to have her back in my life.
I will never be the same person ever again.
I have found so much comfort and good friends on here to just offload, to what we’re complete strangers, who’s words and empathy have given me the strength to get though so many days and nights. We’re all here for you if you ever want to talk or just post. Sending love and hoping each day gets the teeniest bit better xx
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Thank you. I know it’s early days and it’s a process I need to go through and be kind to myself. I’m taking the meds the GP gave me. Only day 3 so probably won’t see any affects for a week of two. Even taking those were making me anxious as I’ve never taken anything like that before, always the string one in the family with a positive mindset, very much like my mum actually! I have a supportive husband and friends but unless you’ve actually experienced it people don’t really know. My rotten cold has made my tinnitus worse which isn’t helping with my anxiety either but hopefully that’s just temporary
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My mum died dec 13th very suddenly, she lived with us, my hubby and children. She woke up with stomach pain at midnight and asked me to call a ambulance which i did immediately…said it would be 1 hour …never arrived, hubby got my mum to a&e…she had to wait…and wait… unbeknownst to us her colon had holes in from a unknown top tumor causing septis…she was given an emergency op…but she died 48 hous later. Very sudden …we had plans for mothers day…no idea this would happen… she was 88 but no dementia only high blood tablets and arthritis … im a only child.
Life can be over in an instant. Cousins came funeral…all attentive but since the funeral no calls. How can my mum be dead. Very shocking. How can the world still turn when my wonderful mums dead.
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