Hi @MKMedic78 @Jen76uk
welcome to the new members to this thread and I’m so sorry for your loss. Sudden loss is terrible: it disorientates us and shakes our foundations. We are dumbfounded and don’t know where to turn. You have done the right thing reaching out here.
From my experience I can tell you that after 15 months the grief is still there, it always will be, but it lives beside me. I can now start thinking of mum with joy and gratitude remembering her life and not only her passing.
At the beginning it’s raw, unrelenting and all consuming. You will be exhausted so you need to rest as much as possible. Remember to eat what you can manage and sleep whenever you can. Don’t fight the pain, try to write down your thoughts… do whatever is necessary to bring you just a little relief.
I didn’t take antidepressants. I did have some therapy, but after 4 months I realised and my therapist confirmed that ultimately we have to face and work through our grief alone, although I can say that it was definitely helpful at the time.
This forum was what helped me most as friends and family often can’t understand and don’t know what to say for fear of upsetting us. I’ve made some wonderful friends here and we’ve even met up in person, though we are dotted all over the Uk and I live abroad.
Unfortunately our society doesn’t know how to deal with loss and grief I feel, but it’s part of the cycle of life and shouldn’t be avoided like the plague.
Reach out whenever you need to, you aren’t alone here.
Sending love and strength.
Kate xxx
Thanks Kate. I am trying to do my best and although I’m off work at the minute I’m trying to keep busy. Walking the dog seems to help the most. The isolation is crippling I’m so tired because of the anxiety and tinnitus I think if I could get some proper rest it may help a little. 
Aww Kate what wonderful words and advice. Yes agree so much with everything you have written. Goodness knows where we would all have been without this site.
Welcome to all the new members of our group. We are a little group that support each other with love and kindness. No one judges anyone . Please feel free to post anytime Take small steps each day and as Kate said it never goes away but will ease a little over time. You will get stronger and you will get through this.
Thinking of everyone
Deborah x
Getting out in nature definitely helps I think. I’ll have a dog next month so I’m looking forward to that. I really believe that pet therapy in times like this is just the best.
Regarding sleeping, the first night I literally couldn’t sleep for a minute and being physically exhausted on top of mental exhaustion only makes us feel worse.
I don’t like taking medication but I started taking a melatonin supplement and still do periodically because I found I went right through the night well.
It might help you too.xx
Hi,
Helen I have been thinking about you all day x
Deborah x
Hi all, it’s been a few days since I posted, but have been reading everyone’s stories about what happened to their Mums and can see that sudden passing of someone we love so much has had a profound affect on us all. I find some comfort in this, I really do, but can’t help wishing it didn’t have to be this way. I do wish I had had more time with my Mum and miss her desperately. I feel it more when am away from my Dad and hometown, despite also feeling a need to be in the city. I just feel torn apart by this constantly and find getting up and out of bed almost impossible these days. My Dad felt the loss of my Mum’s cat a lot, as did I. It was almost like he got a chance to care for someone close to Mum in their last days. He never got that chance with Mum, neither did I. She would have preferred to go quickly like she did, and not be ill, and looking back, the last 3 years of her life were plagued with different conditions that were really limiting her life. I do miss her so much. I feel like I will never have the keenness for life that I did before she died. Maybe it’s just my age. I am 47 now. So I guess I was lucky to have my Mum so long with me. I just regret not being with her more last year up until her death. I tried a medium session this week. It brought some comfort hearing people get messages from loved ones in the spiritual world. I don’t know what I believe to be honest, who does? But I do believe there is a deep sense of love comes through to us from our dear loved ones no longer with us. Gill xx
Hi Gill. I can relate to your post. I too have regrets and I think in grief it’s totally normal. Mum was living with us on and off since Covid struck (more on than off) and was with us constantly for the last six months of her life. Although I’m so grateful for that and also grateful that she went quickly without suffering at home and not in hospital, where I know she didn’t want to be, I still feel I could have done more. I wish I’d have spent more quality time with her just talked to her more about various things including her health and fears. Mum’s health was deteriorating too with various ailments over the last 3 years, but more obviously in the last 14 months of her life. Everything was becoming a real struggle and she admitted this although she was stoic and never gave up.
I suppose it was a release for her although from a selfish point of view I would have wanted her to go on and on.
I believe we must think about the quality of their lives not just the age at which they passed. If mum had carried on, she would have most probably needed a proper carer and lost some of her dignity I suppose. As much as we’d love them to still be with us, we must try to think logically of how things could have turned out/become worse and be grateful that they went quickly.
They say that sudden death is hardest for those left behind and I really believe that. However the knowledge that mum’s now not suffering with her health anymore is what gives me most comfort on my difficult days.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Kate your words about the quality of their lives helps and also dignity. One thing we did say was that my mum was dignified in life and has a dignified death even though it’s the hardest thing I’m ever going to deal with. My mum never wanted to need care she always said she wanted to be at home when she died and she got her wish just falling asleep on the couch in her PJ’s with a box of matchmakers and the TV guide by her side. I’m trying to take comfort that she didn’t suffer like my dad did 
Aww that’s just how I’d like to go Titch. You must take great comfort from that and the fact she had a dignified end to her life. 
xx
It’s so true that I think she would have struggled more and more as time went on. She was also upset and frustrated with how limited things had become for her, although she was still active in the garden as much as possible. In a way it is a reassuring thing for me that it was just after she was in the garden, working away, that the stroke happened. It was a beautiful sunny day as well, and her favourite time of year. I guess out of pure selfishness, I miss her and crave to hear her wee voice on the end of the phone. I just need to spend some time looking at photos and short videos, these can help me get through these feelings. Thanks all xxx
Hi Gill,
Aww I know exactly how you feel. That deep longing feeling just to see them one more time. I have felt the same and more so recently. I closed my eyes this morning and thought I will just reach out and touch her but of course I couldn’t . I know about the staying in bed also. I think you just have to go with it. Stay in bed if you need to and do whatever you have to just to survive each day.
Its a strange feeling wanting to be back at my mums house and then when I am there its even stranger because she’s not there and I want to come home. As soon as I am home I want to be back there. I think it’s all to do with us not knowing what are future is without our mums and where do we go from here and what do we do in the future. Its all the unknown and for me anyway I am just focussing on each month . Not planning any further as my mind is going in all directions. This has to be my healing year or the start of it anyway.
We will always have regrets of not doing this that or the other. I spent more time with my mum than I did with my own family and at the end I was with her 24/7 for approx 6 weeks but I still have huge regrets for all sorts of things. I beat myself up really bad about certain things and it reduces me to tears every time. Like Kate said we would have wanted them to go on and on and on. And I still think and wish she had.
You have lost your mums cat also so that is another thing affecting you. It’s not just the cat passing but the link to your mum and everything that brings back memories. Its so hard going for you.This is the hard bit we are all going through. Its all the add on things.
That’s what I am doing now is sorting mums old photos. Ones to keep and ones to give to family members etc. It was very difficult to do when i started but its getting easier now. Mum was so pretty when she was younger and what has struck me the most was how smart she looked when she was younger. Well she was smart all her life but the fashion in the 50’s was something else. Just taking me to the park when I was in the pram she looked like she was going to a wedding. No leggings in those days !!!
Keep posting Gill. Keep talking to us about your mum. It’s good to share stories about them. What was she like? Did she have any hobbies? Did she like her garden?
Was she able to visit you at your home?
Kate that’s all we can do now is to be grateful they will not suffer anymore.
Helen how are things ? Thinking of you x
Titch what lovely words. Dignified in life and dignified in death . That just sums up everything we feel.
Keep going everyone
Deborah x
Thanks Deborah, that’s really helpful to know you often feel this way as well. It’s like I feel safe in my bed and crave to be in it as soon as I leave it. I have never been in bed so much as I have this year. It’s like a safe space. Mum didn’t come to my place very often. She didn’t really like the city and found it quite stressful, so I usually went to them, which I did like but often found the travelling stressful. I do regret worrying her with this over the years, although she was used to me and knew I would be ok. She had bad stomach pains her whole life and this affected her a lot for travelling, or going to social things. It was a colon problem, not life threatening, but life limiting, esp in latter years. Her big love was cryptic crosswords and playing with words in general - she loved quiz shows on TV like Only Connect (too difficult for me!) and Countdown. There are lists and lists of words she has written out and I keep them when I find them. I love her handwriting. She also had many years after retiring working in a charity shop which she loved. It was actually here that she took her TIA stroke, the work was getting a bit too stressful for her and she felt this pressure. But her great love was words and the garden, and sunshine. If the sun was shining she was out there, doing something. Always brown and healthy looking.
Aww Gill you have painted such a lovely picture of your mum with those words. Yes the travelling would have been difficult for her and city life is so different. I had colon cancer 5 years ago so I know exactly what you mean with problems to do with that. I have to plan everything so carefully especially journeys. Toilets are my new life and I panic if I go on long journeys and don’t know where they will be. Or when going shopping trips and socialising.
Wow she must have had an active mind with all the words. Did she grow flowers or veg mostly? Being out in the garden must have been so lovely for her. What sort of charity shop did she work in ? My mum loved flowers of any variety. Cosmos flowers were one of her favourites and she had them in pots outside her patio door. She loved watching the birds in her garden and spent ages on the chair next to the window watching them. My mum loved baking all her life and welsh cakes were her speciality. She also used to make a meat and potato pie when we were younger that I still remember. And at Christmas she always made the stuffing and white sauce for me. There was something about her stuffing that can never be replaced.
When my mum was younger she used to knit a lot . Just like I imagine most women did in those days. Far more than nowadays. Probably as they didn’t have the range of shops we have now. Skills like knitting and crocheting were passed down to her from her grandmother. My mums mum passed away on childbirth and her dad died of TB when she was 2 yrs old so she was brought up by her grandmother and I think life must have been quite hard for her so whatever they could make was such a bonus.
When you said you feel safe in your bed I feel safe in my house. In the past year I havent been out much as I feel home is my safe place. I love just staying in. I suppose I am finding it strange having nowhere of interest to go to now mum has passed and to be honest I still feel everything is pointless. This is what I want to work on for the forthcoming year. I do need to go out more and drive more as I have only driven my car approx 4 times in the past 14mths. Can’t believe I have just written that and its so upsetting because I was always out and about.
How about everyone else? Would you like to share stories about your mums ?
Love to everyone
Deborah x
Hi everyone, I’ve not written for a few days but have been reading your posts. I’ve been so busy as we had a ‘Thanksgiving’ service on Monday for mum and dad. It could not have been anymore beautiful and actually quite joyous. We all left feeling uplifted and blessed. I’d got the great-grandkids to paint tea light holders for everyone to take home to light for mum and dad. The rainbow tree was lovely and everyone took part, tying ribbons to it. It was just lovely. Then we all had a buffet lunch afterwards. On Tuesday dad had his direct cremation. You can’t be with them when it’s direct but you know the date and an idea of the time so me and my sister went up there and sat in the grounds so dad wasn’t alone on his final journey. It’s a really beautiful place. Met up with a friend on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday we’ve been at the house sorting through all their stuff. Feels intrusive but it has to be done. We’ve had a few laughs and a few tears doing it. Finding all sorts of things they’d kept from when we were kids
Reading your posts on sudden loss is so relatable. It’s so difficult to get your head round them being there one minute and then, gone! All the questions that go over and over again. I’ve been questioning so much but am trying to be kind to myself. I have to tell myself, I wasn’t responsible for their death, no one was. It was just their time to go. I’m so grateful that both mum and dad lived full lives to the end and we got to keep them right up into our 50’s. Of course I’m devastated at the loss and still have no idea how I am going to navigate this new life without them. I’m accepting I’ll never be as happy ever again but will strive to be as happy as I can be.
I’ve challenged myself to run a 10k each month (the first one is today!) and we are about to book a little cruise around the Med in September. I’m going to be more sociable and see friends more and probably do more sewing. We don’t have to fight grief but we will learn to live with it. It’s okay to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry and it’s okay to do fun things when we are up to it. Nothing will stop us missing our parents but that’s because we loved them so much. We didn’t need to tell them all the time. Love doesn’t need words it’s just there and our parents knew how much we loved them. They would have just felt it in their bones like we do from them. That love will always be with us, always.
Sending you all my love and thoughts Hxxx
P.S. a couple of pictures from Monday xx
Lovely to see your post Helen. I’ve read it a few times as it’s helped me especially where you say we weren’t responsible, about living full lives right up until the end and having them for this long. Mum was 83 didn’t want to suffer like my dad did (he had cancer and was half the man he was when he died). Mum just slipped away in her sleep on the couch ready for bed with a box of matchmakers and the TV guide by her side. Just the way she wanted. It’s just so hard I’d just seen her 3 hours before all fine and just can’t get my head around things, especially as I found her. I ran a lot after dad died which helped but I’m so poorly with this head cold at the minute I couldn’t think of running as yet but hopefully will soon.
Aww Deborah, I’d love too see the picture of your mum in her younger days pushing you in your pram. I love seeing how stylish people were in the 50’s. Your mum sounds amazing. I think you should be so proud of yourself and how far you’ve come in the last year. Just travelling up to Manchester in the summer must have taken a lot for you given the place you were at back then. We should try and meet up soon. Maybe we could meet half way between us? Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Titch7674, it’s so hard to process when it’s so sudden. Boxing Day was a repeat of last year when mum got breathless so went to A&E and was gone 3 weeks later from lung cancer! No warning, mum wad fit and healthy, ate well, walked every day and didn’t smoke. This year dad felt unwell on Boxing Day, went to A&E and was treated for chest infection but dead by 10pm following cardiac arrest!! Just like that, gone! It’s a lot to process. It will take me a long time to fully accept this.
I’d left dad at hospital to get some rest so you can imagine what’s been going through my mind… why didn’t I stay? Why didn’t I spot the signs, why didn’t I make him see his GP (he’d had a cough and cold prior)??? I could go on but in the end we can’t save them. We all have to go at some point and even if I’d have got him antibiotics a week before, his heart would have packed up soon anyway.
Your mums death sounds like a ‘good death’. To die in your sleep at home feeling happy, content and loved is all anyone could ask for. Take comfort in that. It’s how I would choose to go. Sudden death is harder for loved ones having to cope with it but better for the one who goes through it. Sending you lots of love Helen xxx
Awww Helen that’s so tough for you. I remember someone saying to me that if we knew it was the last time we’d see our parent it would be so traumatic for us both. I’m trying to hold onto that as when I’d left mum it was just a normal goodbye. But we were joined at the hip since dad died and we both knew how much we loved each other. The coroner said to me remember she has an 83 year old heart so even though she was living independently etc there wouldn’t have been anything more I could have done. She dreaded the fact that some day she may get ill as she did have kidney stones or she’d need professional care. So I need to try to take comfort in the fact she died a peaceful death and the way she wanted. Sending love and strength to everyone going through this
Aww Helen it’s so lovely to hear from you. What a beautiful day you held for your dad. I absolutely love the things you did.The tree is such an amazing idea I have never seen that before. It’s so colourful and I am sure it helped you get through it. I loved the fact you involved the children in designing the T lights. How truly lovely. You are so thoughtful. You did your dad proud. All of you did.
You need healing time now. Wow 10k a month!!! I admire you x It will help your wellbeing so much but don’t push yourself too hard.
The cruise sounds lovely. Just what you need. And Tom can’t escape to work either !!! Have you been on a cruise before? I have never been on one.
After mum’s house sale goes through I will think about going away somewhere.
Keep going my lovely friend. Sending hugs xxxx
Deborah xxx