Hi Helen.
I have some ideas for the memorial. I’d like it to be in the garden… hopefully it will be in June and warm. We always used to celebrate Alex’s birthday in August until Covid hit and we used to have the party in mum’s garden. Happy days.
I will write some poetry, I’d like to have some music mum liked and wanted. As she passed away here there was no funeral…just a short Catholic blessing (in Italian unfortunately) at the Chapel of rest where some of my friends, colleagues and my partner’s family and neighbours came to pay their respects.
I’d like to toast mum with a cocktail I used to make for her with Campari Soda (stole that idea from you!
)and a cream tea with her favourite sandwiches etc. It will be very informal, sharing memories of mum and looking at photos etc. Alex may write a little poem to his Gaga.
It is going to be soooo hard going back to our house, I feel myself welling up just thinking about it. It’s always been my anchor, now I feel I’ve lost mum and my base too. 
There are so many layers to grief as you say, the secondary losses…
I’m sorry you too aren’t getting as much support as you’d like. It is frustrating that some can seemingly get on with their lives easily while others, like ourselves are deep in pain isn’t it? Will your son and daughter be back for your mum’s memorial? Do they come back often?
Don’t worry too much about work. You may find it actually helps, and I’m sure your colleagues will be very understanding.
I feel really tired and drained today. I worked from home then had a therapy session and that always takes it out of me. Catch you tomorrow.K Xx
Hi
Another bed day for me but I also think it’s bec I am ill.Caught my husband’s chest infection and flu etc So have that as an added prob this morn. yes it’s a living hell Totally agree. Started the probate stuff yest Not easy but at least I have made a start.
Will keep posting
Deborah x
Hi Kate, I find it hard going to see dad as mums things are everywhere. It’s the little things that get me like going in the bathroom and her body shop shampoo bottle still half used, her little hair clips on the shelf. I have to take a deep breath when I go round which is nearly everyday at the moment.
I’m thinking of mums memorial. It will be informal too but I’m thinking of a similar thing. In the garden with maybe 20/30 people. All thinking about mum. I also had an idea to start a scrapbook type thing. The first pages will be about mums life with photos etc. I thought of asking people to bring any letters, postcards etc that mum wrote, to put in it. Maybe they could pre write a memory or story that we can glue in. I thought it would be a nice thing for her great-grandchildren to look at as they go through life. They are all so young so won’t have much memory of her. She adored them all.
I’m going back to work a week on Thursday just that one day for my first week. Now the decision is made I feel better. I have a focus.
I do feel supported generally. My husband and older sister are brilliant. My son has sent me a message everyday. Just saying things like ‘tell me something nice that you’ve done today mum’ ‘thinking about you and grandma a lot’. I’m just disappointed that my daughter seems to have backed off. I know she cares but she is a bit absent at the moment. Maybe it’s her coping mechanism as she’s so far away. I’m trying not to be so sensitive to it but it’s hard. My son James comes over 3 or 4 times a year and we go over there too. We all had a lovely weekend together in Girona last summer, just up the coast from Barcelona. I visited my daughter in the US 3 times last year. She comes over every couple of years and stays for about 3 months. I can’t face going there and yet we were supposed to be visiting her new baby in March/April but I just can’t deal with it right now. I go on my own sometimes so I never give it a second thought usually. I know it sounds strange and my mum has been cremated but I just can’t bear to leave her. I just feel I need to be close to mum in whatever form that may be.
It was nice that there was a chance for people to pay their respects to your mum at the chapel of rest. Is your partner Italian? It must have been lovely for your mum to stay with you in Italy. I’m sure she loved every minute. Do you work full time? Is Alex Italian speaking? Sounds really interesting Hxx
Hi Deborah, I’ve been thinking of you a lot. One of the YouTube videos I watched was someone a year down the line from losing her mum. She said it was so important for her to just let the grief take over fir those initial weeks/months. She said she made herself look at every photo, listen to every voice message from her mum. She did this to get the agony out. I can’t do this yet. I know my phone has lots of voice messages from mum but I can’t cope with hearing her lovely voice right now. I feel like deleting them to save me the pain but can’t do that either so they are just there. Even the thought of hearing her voice is making me cry.
We are in the very early stages of our grief. We just have to allow ourselves to feel absolutely terrible right now. Where do live? Are there any charities that can offer support? Here in Stockport, we have a place called Beechwood cancer care. It does therapies like reiki, aromatherapy etc. they also have councillors to help you deal with grief, one to one and group sessions. It isn’t just for people with cancer. It’s for bereaved relatives who’ve lost someone for any reason not just cancer. I’m going to see how I am in the next few months and if I’m still struggling I will look into going here. I’m allowing myself to feel lost and in pain right now as that is how we are supposed to feel. We loved our mums so much. They were/are a massive part of our lives. This is all just unreal and overwhelming right now. If you can, when the chest infection has improved, maybe set yourself 1 goal each day. Even if it’s just to peg some washing out. It’s those tiny steps. Sending you a great big virtual hug. Hxx
Hi Helen 51,
Yes i set targets and when i have done them there is some sense of achievement. I am still making phone calls re mum so its hard going as i get so upset just making a phone call. I live in West Wales . I am going to try to cope because I dont like opening up to a stranger so going to a counsellor isnt my thing. I prefer to gain support from on here.
I have managed to look at photos on my phone of my mum and it has actually helped me realise how poorly she was at the end. She would not have wanted to remain like that and there was no coming back from it. She did well to remain with us for 5 weeks. I think my saving grace will be throwing myself into re arranging our house bec we plan to knock walls down etc and redesign it The work was just at the planning stage when mum went ill so now i need to get refocussed. I need to start by sorting a bedroom so will try to make a start next week . I also live in Pembrokeshire where there are lovely beaches so need to get out and about I thought i would go to places that I didnt take mum so I wont break down and cry with memories flooding back.
Thanks for keeping in touch
Deborah x
Hi Helen, you sound like a real international family and that’s nice…it must certainly be exciting for you visiting James and your daughter. A bit like mum with me… visiting me twice a year for nearly 30 years! Yes mum loved being here with us, but she’d have been happier if I’d have moved back to the Uk. It was a big change at her time in life, but at least she was with us at the end.
My parner, Valerio, is Italian and Alex is bilingual as I always spoke to him in English when he was a baby/toddler.Mum being with us really helped as he was speaking English every day, I just hope he doesn’t lose it now. He actually prefers watching films/cartoons etc in English. 
I’m sure you will travel again when you feel ready. It could be that your daughter doesn’t want to bring up your mum for fear of upsetting you. I think this is happening to a lot of us, that we feel disappointed by some people’s reactions/actions or lack of…
Have you had your mum’s ashes back yet? It really made me feel closer to mum. I think that it’s good you are starting back to work gradually. I work 6 hours a day, part time since I had Alex, which allows me to have a bit of time for myself and the family.
I have to try and pluck up the courage to go into mum’s room. I am working on this with my counsellor. This avoidance seems strange,even to me, but finding her was so traumatic. I suppose its a coping mechanism. I can’t however keep putting it off and not going in. My counsellor is helping me to think of all the peaceful, happy times she spent there and not to dwell on the end. She says that to properly process my grief, I have to face all of it, including the trauma part…as difficult as that is. I’m 51 but I just feel like a lost litte child at times. Thank youfor always listening to me.
K xxx
Hi Deborah, it’s good to give yourself little targets each day. Maybe as time goes on you can increase the size of the tasks. You still have a lot of things to sort out to do with your mum so I guess that is taking over everything else right now.
I too am going to try and manage without counselling etc but it’s good to know it’s there if I need it. I feel so angry at the moment that mum was taken away from us too soon. My friend said she couldn’t believe my mum was gone. She was too fit and healthy and loved life. It just seems so unjust. I managed a walk yesterday and when I saw people older than my mum and a lot more immobile etc I couldn’t help feeling how unfair it is that my mum died when she did. Im trying not to think like that but I can’t help it at the moment. I don’t want to get bitter but it’s really hard to take that.
I’ve arranged to go back to work just one day next week. Im dreading it really but want to get back. My life is changed forever and will never be the same but I’m trying to think forward and I have to make something of my life until I see mum again.
I know we will see our mums again. Hxx
Hi Kate, yes, I totally get the anxiety you must feel of going in your mums room. The fear of those painful, terrifying feelings regurgitating. Try and rationalise, they are just feelings and nothing bad is actually going to happen when you go in there. Expect to feel the pain when you go in there and it might not be as bad as you thought. It will be something you have to face when you feel ready. I don’t like going in my mums bedroom as all mums things are there. She’d even bought herself a new quilt cover with robins on for Christmas, bless her. She has photos of us next to her bed. Me and my sisters thought of getting some storage boxes and just putting everything of mums in them and putting them in the wardrobe for now until dad is ready to go through them. I don’t have the same traumatic memory as you, it’s just the sadness.
As a mum of kids living abroad, I feel happy that they are making good lives for themselves. Of course I’d love them to live around the corner but I’d rather they lived abroad and were happy than miserable here. That will have been your mums overriding feelings when you moved to Italy. She’d have just been happy for you.
Not got mums ashes back yet. Just waiting for a call any day.
I’m going back to work next Thursday for one day so easing in gently.
That’s wonderful that Alex is bi- lingual. What a gift. Is he dual nationality? My granddaughters have dual nationality Anglo/American. It’s a great position. Sounds like his English might have an American accent if he’s watching those programmes! My granddaughters are proper Yankee Doodle when they speak. We try and teach them a Manchester accent but they’re having none of it. I’m having a better day today. How are you doing? Hxx
Hi Helen 51,
That’s exactly how i feel when i go out in the car and see people. I just wish it was them and not my mum . I know I am coming across awful but that is how i feel.
My mum was 89 and had such a zest for life She was modern in her outlook dress sense and humour. We had wonderful times together and were planning so many more. She just started being sic and after it continued for 2 whole nights I phoned 999 They took her into hosp and within an hour I was told death was imminent No way i thought as mum was sitting up reading a magazine. I was told she would pass that night Well she lasted 5 weeks bless her She had a blockage in her small intestine and they refused to operate bec of her age so i had to sit and watch her die. I will never ever get over it
I managed to complete all the forms for probate last night so thankfully they are done. Cant bring myself to post them today Just dont want to go out. I even hate seeing all sorts of people carrying on with their lives so my house is my safe place .
So sorry to be so down
Thank you for replying as am having a few very dark days at the mo
Deborah x
Hi Helen. Have been busy today working, then to the gym (briefly!), school and football run and then an English lesson. It does help to keep busy… then a thought of mum slips in to whatever I’m doing and the ache starts up again…
That sounds a good idea about the boxes. We have to do what we can in our own time frame, no rush, no pressure. I’ve even still got mum’s bag of medication in the cupboard which I used to make up in her pillbox every week. So many things I did on a daily basis… our routine which was suddenly ripped away., gone in an instant. That routine seems like an age ago and yesterday at the same time. Do you find that too? Looking at photos is painful and listening to mum’s voice message, but I do it now and again. I haven’t got any recordings of my dad’s voice from 41 years ago.
Aww I bet your granddaughters have cute accents… how old are they? Mum never really fully accepted me going abroad, though she was happy I followed my heart, having studied languages and being a typical Sagittarian with itchy feet lol! Italy was always her home from home and she did love coming out, it kept her young at heart I used to say.
I guess Alex has dual Nationality by birth right… but I’ve never filled in any forms in Uk. I should look into that.
Valerio has been so good giving me such a lot of help around the house. I just don’t seem to have the energy any more. I find I’m exhausted by the time the evening comes, I guess that’s healing isn’t it?
Glad you’ve had a good day. Catch u tomorrow. K Xx
Hi Deborah,
I just noticed reading your post that you’re describing what you went through what happened with your mum. On Mon, after my mums funeral, I was telling a couple of people what happened with my mum, there was 1 crisis after another. When I realised that I’d been talking for a while, that they both knew what had happened. I asked if I’d told them those details before and 1 said Yes, once or twice but it’s OK. I felt somewhat embarrassed.
I’m just acknowledging your need to do this, but it’s not a criticism.
I’m getting my mums ashes on Fri and I wonder if I’ll get really upset.
I’m sorry that you’re having a bad few days but it is good that you’re sharing it on here. Someone will read it and feel for you.
Mazza x
Hi Mazza6,
Thanks for replying.
Apologies I do keep repeating myself . I think I am going bonkers sometimes reliving the events of the past few weeks.
Deborah x
Oh goodness, you dont need to apologise @seychelles , youve got enough to feel upset about at the moment.
I was just clumsily commenting on our need to go over and over the details of whats happened. I actually feel that Ive been traumatised by what happened with my mum last year. Im wondering how long Ill be doing that for. She had one health crisis after another.
I realised recently that one of my friends has told me the details about finding her Dad dead, every time Ive seen her (maybe 5x, she lives in Ireland) in the last 10 years or so. She was 16 when it happened and is now 47.
We need to be alongside each other, not anything else. Mazza x
Hi Kate, yes it’s life changing as our mums were so entwined in our daily lives. It’s hard accepting the change. I’m finding grief has so many layers. You grieve the loss of your life before. I’m also grieving the loss of my dad as he was before mum died. He’s different now. He’s so vulnerable where he wasn’t when mum was here. There are so many losses and changes to deal with.
I had a good day yesterday until around 6pm then the tears started. I also had a couple of nightmares last night. One where I was getting cremated. I was just signing the forms as they were preparing a trolley for me. I remember feeling calm about it but there was a sinister feel so I’m classing it as a nightmare. The other was where I was back at work but years ago with my old colleagues. I was talking about mum to one of them and she just ignored me and started to talk to someone else. I remember sobbing in my dream like mum was being disregarded. More of an upsetting dream than a nightmare. I am generally sleeping better and am having less dreams like this. I’m 51 too so when I wake up in the night I’m not quite sure if it’s mum or my hormones! The dreams last night were definitely to do with mum. Do you have nightmares or did you in the early days? My mind is still constantly filled with mum. Are you at the stage where you realise you haven’t thought about her for an hour or so. That’s what people tell me happens. You reach a point where you realise you’ve just been getting on with something and thinking about that instead of mum. Maybe work will help with this.
My granddaughter are Penelope 6 and Ophelia 3. Number 3 due anytime. I love them so much and I do get sad I don’t see them much. My daughter, Harriet has never really settled in America and says she wants to come back to England. She’s been saying it for a few years. She’s married to an American and he says he would live here. I never ask about it as don’t want her feeling guilty but she brings it up a lot. Who knows 
I just accept they are in USA. Im feeling the distance much more now mum has gone. I just want us all together right now.
I know what you mean about lack of energy. I’m the same. I’m quite a keen seamstress and enjoy making clothes. I have all this free time and normally would be making loads of things but haven’t been near my sewing machine since before mum was ill. I’m managing little snippets of housework like changing the bedding then I’m done. Glad to hear your partner is a good support. My husband is great. He’s happy to do it all. He’s been so good with me and sometimes I’ve been horrible to him when Ive felt rage! He lost his mum when he was 10, a brother at 19 and his dad 7 years ago. He’s known grief and when he tells me it gets easier I trust him. 
What is the weather like there. It’s cold but is it bright and sunny? I was listening to the birds this morning with the bright sunshine but it’s gone cloudy now. Chance of rain today but hoping to go for a walk later and stop at a nice pub. My husband has taken the week off work so will try and make the most of my last full week off. Hope you have a good day Hxx
Hi Deborah, I’ve felt like this. I’ve made myself get up and go swimming each day but I’m not saying this is right for you at all. If you need to just stay in bed then that’s what you need to do. There will be a point where you feel you need to start living again. Building some kind of a new normal. How ever long that takes. You just have to do what you can cope with right now. I’ve ordered myself a pearl ring. My mums name means ‘pearl’. Me and my sisters have all got one and it’s just something to twiddle with when we feel anxious. It’s a link to mum. Maybe you could think of something like that or even wear a piece of her jewellery to have that tangible item of mum. Just that link and to be able to touch something is a comfort.
In my darkest moments I find myself curling up, almost trying to cuddle myself just shouting for mum to come back to me. I’m begging her ‘please, mum. Don’t leave me. I need you!!’ Over and over until I can’t cry anymore. The pain is terrible. I’m doing this less so but it does still happen. When the thoughts start getting really dark I say to myself ‘mum has died, but my kids haven’t died, my husband hasn’t died…,’ I go through all the people in my life that are still with me. It doesn’t change the fact that my darling mum has died and I’m still heartbroken but it seems to give me more perspective to list everyone I still have.
Know you are not alone in this. Keep messaging on here. We all need each other right now. Complete strangers but kindred spirits united in our grief. We are all feeling lost in the darkness, scratching our way around as best we can. It will get better, we will heal. I truly believe we will and make our mums proud. Before mum died I said to her ‘You’re not alone mum. I will be joining you later but just have a bit more life to live. You will come and find me won’t you mum when it’s my turn?!’ She said she will. We will see our mums again. I don’t know how but I know we will. Try and find a snippet of joy somewhere in the day today. Even if it’s just listening to the birds getting ready for spring. Sending you love Hxxx
Hi Helen51,
I think i feel worse because I also now have a terrible chest infection and flu symptoms which has dragged me down even worse.
When my mum was still with us she told me to go and buy something that i liked because i had looked after her so I bought a beautiful piece of jewellery from Clogau Gold a welsh company.
I wore them at her funeral. Yes it really helps me when i wear them.
My mum believed in signs especially white feathers and when we chatted she said she would send me signs and she has on loads of occasions.
Yes i agree like you I have my husband and son who are helping me so much.
I have started to do simple things each day and today managed to outside for the first time in over a week. It was just in the garden but still lovely as its such a nice day here today.
Deborah x
HI mazza6,
Am having a slightly better day today even though I have flu. Put some photos around my house of mum so that has helped me
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
I haven’t had many dreams about mum but I feel she’s always there in the background of my dreams… its strange. The one where she awoke was quite disturbing, but no nightmares.
It’s so true that we have to get used to living a new life. It will get to the stage where your thoughts of your mum will get further apart, though always there. I remember at the beginning it was constant, then every minute or so then it will get further apart. Work helped with this because I had to concentrate on other things.
You are a young grandmother… I had Alex at 40 so a geriatric mother as they say! 
I think mum had given up hope of being a granny lol, but I’m so glad she spent her last 10 years with Alex… she adored him and he was her reason for living. I bet you adore your granddaughters in the same way. I hope Alex is a young dad as I can’t wait !!
Talking about signs… your son and daughter have 2 of mum’s absolute favourite names… James and Harriet. She was thinking of calling me both…
You are 51 like me and mum’s middle name is Helen. It’s almost as if she put me in contact with you because she knew you would help me with my grief…
Maybe our mum’s are having a cuppa and discussing us like we are them. I do hope so. 
Hope you had a good day out with your hubby. Here it’s very sunny and mild in day, but cold in the mornings. Spring is on it’s way! Keep staying positive, we will all have our dark moments and bad days, but we’ve come a long way and our mums are proud of us I know.
Sending love Kxx
Aww how lovely
I think it’s normal for us all to constantly go over the events in our minds, reliving them in playback, I know I have hundreds of times! t’s our mind’s way of trying to make sense of it all I guess. If it helps us then that’s good and thank goodness this forum gives us all the chance to express ouselves.xx