Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing okay. Deborah, that’s good news the house sold again so quickly. I’m rooting for you that it all goes smoothly, even though it’s going to be emotional. I have all this ahead of me so you and Kate are my example that we can get through this.
Titch, a pendant sounds lovely. I’m going to have another ring made with a pearl for mum as that’s what her name means and emerald for dad as that is his birth stone. Mum did some beautiful patchwork that we’ve found. Absolutely beautiful fabric and the finest hand stitching. She was making a quilt and luckily it’s in large square segments that will be perfect to divide and make cushions from.
Kate, I’m so excited for you getting a puppy. It will be nice to have a girl in the house! 
it would be lovely to meet up. I’m away 22-23rd February and will be back at work wed/thursday/Friday morning so hopefully we can sort something 
I was thinking of a little trip over to you in May? I’ll message you about it and best places to stay etc. it will probably only be 1 night.
I went back to work yesterday since my bereavement leave. It was a training day at the hospital. It was such a trigger to me as last time I was there was when I took dad in and then ran back when he’d passed. I was actually shaking a bit as I was parking my car up near A&E! Luckily I’d got there early so was able to just sit and gather my thoughts for a while. I was okay when I got inside.
I’ve started dreaming about mum and dad every night. I don’t actually see them in my dream but there is a very strong presence of them both and it’s always felt comforting. I’m crying more now than the first month but I think that’s a good thing. It felt a bit odd that I wasn’t crying much after losing my dad who I love so much. (Not that crying is an indicator of how upset you are). I think life is settling a bit now and it’s allowing the grief to come in. Well, you know me, I’m a great believer in letting the grief do its thing. Fighting it only makes it worse. I still can’t believe I’ve lost my mum and dad. It seems surreal. Almost like I’m watching someone else’s life? But I know it’s true and I have to forge a new life, like we all do. It’s so good to talk on here. I feel like this forum and my friends on here allow me to offload honestly. Lots of love to everyone going through this. Hxxx
Hi Helen and Everyone
Great to hear from you. I felt the same when I went into my local hospital and it wasn’t even the one that mum went into. Just seeing inside a hospital was enough to make me want to run out. I felt very anxious the whole time and kept having flashbacks of just ever connected to mum’s hospital visits. I am waiting to go in for a minor op soon and it’s at the same hosp mum went into so goodness knows how I will manage to get through that.
Lovely you have the quilt pieces and I know you are good at sewing so you will finish it off I am sure. It would be wonderful if you can.
You have been so so strong through the past weeks and it’s been full on with you so now is your time to cry so as you say just go with it. You can’t hold it together all the time and now your family have gone back you need to put yourself first and as we all know crying is all part of this horrible journey.
It’s a year today that my mum’s funeral was. Well the date anyway but yesterday really as was the Monday. Feels a bit weird thinking has she really gone,had it really been a while year,how have I survived a year without her and so on. I am just marking the day with some flowers for mum and as I am alone in the house today I feel it’s just her and me here so I can just have a chat with her .
I bought some peonies yesterday so will plant them in her tubs later. She always said she wanted to get some advice she had peonies in her grans garden when she was growing up. I kept meaning to buy some for her but never got round to it and just wish I had. At least I have now so will plant them later.
Does anyone else feel torn that they meant to do something for their mum’s but never got round to doing it? I have quite a few things I meant to do with. She always wanted to go to THe Botanical Gardens of Wales which is only a few miles from where she lives and we could easily have gone but didn’t. She wanted a new carpet for her lounge and I never got round to taking her to choose one. She wanted to go up to her village castle but we never did it. All these really pull at my heartstrings. I just didn’t realise how little time left she had.
I try to say to myself we didn’t get round to doing them because we were busy doing other lovely things and going to other places. It helps a little.
As for meeting up count me in but it depends on my op date and results of my scan that I had yesterday.
Maybe whoever is interested in meeting up could post where they all live so we could choose somewhere convenient for us all. I am happy to travel anywhere though. For the new people on her I live in Haverfordwest on West Wales.
Keep going everyone
Love Deborah x
Hi Girls
How is everyone?
That sounds like a big deal for your first day back Helen… well done for being so brave. It’s unbelievable how certain places can be such massive triggers for grief.
You’ve done so well. I often think about what you had to put up with in 11 months and yet you are moving forward with such optimism and the right attitude.
For me it’s things like walking past mum’s chiropodist, or her hairdresser’s. I’m still not going into mum’s room much. I can sense her smell there which is both comforting and sad. I guess the flashbacks will always be inevitable and I’m still avoiding them to a certain extent.
I too often dream about mum but can’t remember the details of the dream but I can feel her presence. I too feel comforted.
I still don’t know if we are coming over at the end of the month. Part of me really wants to and part of me doesn’t. I’ve been getting rid of the last few items at the house so it will basically be empty when I go there…
I will let you know of course. It would be great if we could organise a meet up here in May. I’d love to show you around Bologna or Verona isn’t far. It would give us something to look forward to.
I’m looking forward to the puppy but also very apprehensive. It’ll be like having a newborn baby to start with … but do I have the energy at 52??
I promised mum in the chapel of rest that Alex would get his doggy so I hope she’ll guide me. I know she’d approve. I’ll put the photo on that the breeder sent me. 
Love and hugs to you all. Kxxx
Hi Deborah I agree about the things we didn’t get to do….
I have regrets and if only I’d have known I would have done and said so much. Maybe just small things like cooking her favourite roast beef dinner, sitting and spending more quality time with her, talking about how she really felt… any fears. I just didn’t think the end was coming. I still go over and over those last few days in my head trying to make sense of it all.
We should do those things and visit those places we wanted to go with them in their honour and feel their presence in doing them. I always wanted to take mum to Prague but never got around to it, also to Ireland….
I will go one day I hope.
Hoping all is well with your tests and minor op too Deborah. Keep remembering how far you have come.
Sending love and best wishes your way. K Xxx
Aww Kate she looks like a little soft toy. Honestly I had to look twice. I love her and this is coming from someone who doesn’t do pets of any kind lol. She is so gorgeous. Oh my you are going to have such a fab addition to your family.She looks so cuddly!!
Good idea about visiting the places our mum’s never got to see. I am going to do that.
Like you I wish I had talked more to mum about her feelings but mum would only have said what I wanted to hear. She was super clever in hiding her fears like I am sure all our mum’s were.
Ok well if you come over let us know. Do what you feel feels right for you. It’s tough when you want to then don’t It’s emotionally draining.
May sounds great.Where is your nearest airport and town to your house?
Scan went fine. That was the easy part this morning. Results in 2 weeks.
Am off to show Paul the photo
Deborah x
Aww Deborah I know … mum said a few strange things in the days before she died about selling the house and what would I do with Alex’s football nets in her garden. I didn’t really think much of it at the time, but I often wonder if she knew she was near the end…
Like your mum, she was good at hiding things at times because she knew I was such a worrier and I would have badgered her about going to hospital (which I knew 100% she wouldn’t have wanted).
Although I’m grateful that she was here with us at the end of her life, I just wish I’d have been closer to her on an emotional level those last days. Logically, I realise that I couldn’t have known… but the shock, the suddenness , the lack of goodbye still hurts so much…
My nearest town is Bologna which is about 20 mins by car and luckily 10 minutes to the airport from where I live.
Ryanair does direct flights to Bologna from Manchester, Stansted and Luton I believe.
Have a look online.
I love May, it’s my favourite month and not so far off so we must get planning soon!
Hugs K xxxx
Ps glad you like the little fur baby. She is so
cute! 
Hiya Kate,
I love her. What are you going to call her?
I tend to think that maybe we don’t need words from our mum’s for us to know what their feelings were. We knew them inside out so I guess we are punishing ourselves by thinking we should have discussed this that or the other. We are just beating ourselves up.
I know I talked about everything under creation with mum so why do I feel like this now.
Mum would be saying Stop thinking like this. She was so sensible.
How is the house sale going Kate?
Deborah x
Hi Kate and Deborah, yes I too feel like I wish I’d have said things. Mum was always telling us how proud she was of us, how beautiful we were etc. I used to just roll my eyes jokingly but now I wish I’d have told her how beautiful she was and how proud we were of her. We did at the end but not enough in life. I think if our mums were looking back they’d probably have the same feelings about some things. ‘I wish I’d have taken Kate there. I should have said that to Deborah’ etc. I think it’s just our minds naturally tying to process what has happened. We have suffered a major life trauma so it’s part of the grief. Guilt, anxiety, questioning everything.
Deborah, I’m glad you had the day just with your thoughts and mums presence. I was at dad’s house yesterday and when my sister left I just made myself a cuppa and sat alone, amongst all their stuff we’re sorting and cried a lot. I needed that. I hope all goes well with the op. Let’s hope you are too distracted for any flashbacks but if it happens, it happens. This is part of having to live with grief I guess. It never really goes. Wishing you all the best with it all my lovely xx
OMG Kate! The puppy?!! She’s a little sweetheart. She will bring so much joy and love and fun into your house. Can’t wait for you to get her. I can understand why you are a bit apprehensive. It’s a big life change and we are still building our emotional strength from our recent loss. Oh, she will drive you mad sometimes. You’ll stand in little presents she’s left in the corner 
There’ll be times you’ll think ‘what have we done?!’ But honestly, life with a dog in the house is much more fun. Mary is curled up right next to me as I write this and we’ll be out on a walk together later. I’ll always have a dog in my life. She’ll be such a blessing to you all. She’ll make you smile everyday 
Need to get ready for work now so will sign off for now. Lots of love as always Hxxx
Hi Girls
Hope you are all okish?
I hear it’s been snowy over there?
I can’t say I’m fond of February. Mum always hated this month because twice she had serious health issues in February. A mild stroke and then colon cancer 4 years later. Luckily she made a complete recovery from both but she always disliked this month.
Deborah, the house sale is slow moving. I’m constantly chasing the estate agent for updates, so frustrating . I’m keeping my fingers crossed and taking it one step at a time trying not to stress too much.
Helen hope work is helping you to keep busy. Maybe the structure is a good thing? Keep going lovely, you are doing so well.
It’s true I’m already getting a bit worried about pup’s toilet training lol I guess that’s the worse part . I just hope she will bring joy to us all after so much sadness in our house. I’m a firm believer in the power of pet therapy.
I think we… well I 
… have decided on Skye as a name.
Anyhow I’ll say goodnight for now my friends,
Keep posting!
lots of love to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Kate
Aww your poor mum having cancer. That’s what I had. She must have been so strong to get through it bless her.
Pup toilet training will be a walk in the park for you I am sure lol.
I haven’t had snow near me but I think Gill has.
Yes Feb had been a wet miserable month do far. Bit like Jan.
Helen I agree with Kate. My goodness you are doing so well and I am so proud of you. Pace yourself with work and when you can make time for yourself.
How’s everyone else doing?
Sending love to all.
Deborah x
Hi everyone,
Where are you all ? Is everyone ok ?
Am just plodding on myself. No news as such.Weather has been awful so not done much.
Brought some of mums bedroom furniture back for my spare room last week and have been re arranging things. Kept me busy anyway for a few days. I can feel her saying Well done great job!!!
Anyway love to you all
Deborah x
Hi Deborah and everyone, glad to hear you are moving furniture Deborah. We are still plodding on at mum and dads. There’s still a lot of stuff but not much more for the tip. Everything left in the house is either for us, other people or the charity shop. Finding so much stuff. Today we found mums school reports. Aww she was such a clever girl. It was so strange reading the teachers comments from when mum was at primary school then secondary. She was always top or 2nd place in the class. It actually says their place at the top. One of the classes was 45 children! Mum (and dad) grew up in 1950’s inner city Manchester with lots of children in each class. Mum was gifted at maths and science. She loved anything mathematical and we are finding numbers/accounts that she wrote down. She was very good at knitting and patchwork and I think she loved the counting/symmetry of it. All the maths stuff.
I’ve been quite low this week. Definitely in a dip right now. I’ve just lost my parents so am telling myself, I’m allowed to feel like crap and just going with it. I was off today so went for a run this morning. I went back to work properly on Monday, and ordinarily I’d have nipped to mum and dad’s after to have a cuppa and tell them about my day. It hit me hard that I can’t do this.
Hope everyone else is doing okay. It’s so bloody hard but we must keep going.
Lots of love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Aww I know how you feel. It’s hard going finding lots of things especially reading about their lives long ago. I found my mum’s Confirmation photo. She looked so pretty aged about 10. Dressed all in white with a veil as they did in those days.
I found the deeds of their house. Paid £8850 for it in 1981.I appreciate it would have been a lot of money in those days though. I can remember them feeling so important that they owned their own home.
I am still going through things at mums. I can’t do It quick it’s too upsetting. It really affects me terribly for days after I go there.
I emptied her bedroom last week and just sat on the stairs and sobbed.
I know we have to carry on but it’s so hard.
You are doing so well Helen.
Love to you and everyone
Deborah x
Hello everybody, sorry I haven’t been very vocal recently. Helen you are entitled to feel like crap.! You have lost both your parents over the last year. It’s been an awful year. The sun will shine again when you are ready. Kate/ Deborah / I hope you are ok. To be truthful I have also been feeling low. My husband has received so much bad news about his work colleagues/ friends recently - it is a lot to bear. He’s not very good at being emotional or venting his upset etc so has been a difficult month. We will get through it. I also keep replaying in my head the last time I saw my Mum alive in her bed in the care home. Her skin looked dewy and she looked well. She kept telling us she was going to miss us. I wish I had acknowledged she was trying to tell me she was near the end. I should have told her how much I loved her and what she meant to me. Instead I just said “ don’t be silly Mum” - and ordered tea. She died 3 days later. I can hear those words in my dreams some nights. Am I going mad??? On the plus side ( as Mum always looked for the good), work has been my saviour. So glad I am working in a school. Without sounding twee, some of the Yr 10 girls told me how glad they are I came to their school, and thanked me. I think in many ways they have saved me… x
Aww Jules it has just made me cry when you wrote about what your mum used to say bec I used too used to say don’t be silly mum and make a cuppa and change the subject. I know exactly how you feel. Wishing we had said or done this that or the other is so painful to relive. We will always beat ourselves up for something we didn’t say or do. But we must say to ourselves that we did everything we possibly could have at the time.
Also you saying the pupils at your school saved you. I truly understand that too. They have a way of making you feel so wanted don’t they ? And I always felt it came from their hearts. I remember a year 6 pupil who that year had lost her brother giving me a present before she left for sec school. It was a heart made out of twigs that she had made herself and on the card it said that I was someone who was more than a teacher bec I had gone over and above what a teacher does. That was over 20 years ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. These are the memories you will always remember. Am so glad you changed jobs. You are valued so much.
Am so sorry about your husband’s continued bad news. It must be very stressful for him.
It must be hard on you too trying to support him when you also are grieving.
I think we are all feeling down at the moment. I know I am crying more lately for the slightest thing. I don’t think I am easy to live with at the moment. It’s just the overwhelming feeling of sadness all the time.
Anyway it’s lovely to hear from you again .
Love Deborah x
Hi Girls
Hope you are all ok…
Helen, how wonderful to find your mum’s school momentos! I bet that report was lovely to read for you. It’s so emotional finding things they kept isn’t it?
You are doing so well and as the girls said you are entitled to feel crap with what you’ve been through. Give yourself all the time you need and be kind to yourself right now. No pressure.
Jules I am the same and I understand you. Those last few days mum did say some what seemed at the time strange things like I won’t be here much longer and I said don’t talk like that mum, don’t give up the ghost etc and of course I still go over and over that. Why didn’t I talk to her properly? tell her how much I loved her? it’s so hard isn’t it? But recently I’ve been saying to myself that mum just wouldn’t want me to torture myself going over those last days. They want us to go forward and live our lives to the full as much as possible. They are guiding us always. 
Deborah how are things? you are still busy with clearing the house. It’s emotional work isn’t it? Keep going!
I’ve been so busy this past week and just too exhausted come evening. Getting rid of the last few items at mum’s so my aunt has been on phone to me constantly too. She’s been such a help! I’ve taken on 2 more students for English lessons and busy with football commitments and then work….
Mum’s house is now empty and the photos my aunt sent are so sad to see. 
We booked our flights and will be over for 3 days in 10 days time. I’m in 2 minds about going to Gloucester but I feel I should and Alex wants to go. It will be so strange staying in a hotel…
. I don’t think I’ll have time for a meet up this time girls with things to do and family/friends to meet, but hopefully we can plan for May? Something to look forward to?
I’m also really peeved with work atm. I asked if it was possible to work from home for the first few weeks after getting the puppy as I don’t want to leave her. My boss is totally ok with that but HR / management said no because it’s a 2 day a week home working rule and they cant make exceptions !! 
I’ve worked with a fever, all hours whilst training, have taken just literally 2 weeks off for sick leave in 20 years and I was off for just 1 week when I lost mum … hello??!! I’m so upset by this. It’s so unfair and now I have to get my in laws involved in keeping an eye on the pup which I didn’t want!!!
Anyhow sorry for the rant everyone.
Love to you all❣️
K xxxx
Aww Kate I can feel your upset in your words. I agree about your work. It’s typical isn’t it that the more loyal you are in the workplace the less you feel valued. I always found that anyway. You should have taken more time off after your mum.One week was nothing. This is the thanks you get. Well take the two days anyway. There’s never much leeway with HR.
Brilliant about you coming over and don’t worry it’s ok about not meeting up this time. It’s a bit full on with me at the mo with vans booked to remove furniture and am waiting results and my date for my op so don’t feel like going far at the mo. I am going through a bit of a down time and back to not sleeping so feel knackered all the time. Totally agree May sounds better.
I know what you mean about the house looking bare. I hate seeing mum’s house being torn apart even though I am doing is so slowly. I felt the love is going from the house and then I realise it was mum who made that house so full of love. Nothing will ever bring that feeling back.
I took cuttings of her yellow and red rose trees and after a few attempts the latest ones have grown. Am going to take loads more next week for family members and neighbours.
It’s all quiet with the house sale but that’s expected as the searches are being done. I am not sure which way it will go once they realise how much work a rewiring involves and what the surveyor s report says. Not going to worry about that yet though.
Yes you will find it strange staying at a hotel. But it will be lovely for you to come over and have some time in the house.
At least you won’t have all the sorting to do this time even though it will be very emotional.
Well done on getting two more students.
Hope everyone else is doing okish today.
Love Deborah x
Hey, sorry av not posted much recently, am still here, hope youre all doing ok
I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard and difficult especially as you both lived together. Sending you all my strength to make your days just a little bit brighter.
I lost my Mum suddenly in September last year so it’s been nearly 5 months now.
The shock of what happened will always stay with me and I’ve been struggling to come to terms with it.
Mum passed of heart disease which nobody (not even herself) knew and me and my brother found her.
Like yourself I would give anything for Just one last conversation, a hug, a laugh…
life is so unfair and it’s incredibly painful. In some ways I wish she had a condition and we knew so that at least we could spend more time with her. I too feel so cheated by her passing so I totally get your frustration.
New years for me was exactly the same. Everyone happy for new beginnings, a new year etc but in my mind life will never be or feel the same again.
Grief hits me every few days and I try and hide it from my wife although she has been so supportive and understanding. It comes at the strangest moments and in many different forms.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed, angry, incredibly sad, frustrated and unmotivated to do anything.
Although since it happened I have thrown myself into work which probably hasn’t been a bad thing as it takes my mind off thinking about it.
Thanks for sharing your experience and I hope everyday becomes a little easier.
So many people say “it’s good to talk” but I always feel like they don’t truly understand the pain but sharing with someone who is going through the same process makes it feel less painful.