Hi Greg,
Welcome to our little group. Am so sad about your mum. This is the site no one wants to be on but what a wonderful site it has been. It has been a lifesaver for me and I hope it helps you as much.
Going through this grief journey is so tough. No right or wrong way to get through it as we have found out. Emotions all over the place and no two days or weeks are the same.In the beginning getting through each day was the worst so take small steps. Set yourself small targets for each day then each week. Do whatever you can to get through it and it will start to ease just a little.
We are here for you and I know others will reply to you soon also.
Keep posting as we are all here for you.
Deborah x
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Hi Greg84, I’m so sorry for your loss and like the rest of us on here, you’ve searched for some comfort on here. I lost my mum Jan ‘23 and then dad December’23. Both suddenly and unexpected. Mum 8 days after a shocking lung cancer diagnosis and dad from cardiac arrest this Boxing Day. I can tell you it does get easier. After losing mum I remember thinking‘I can’t cope with this pain!’ I was just starting to find some joy again after mum but am now back to square one. Not sleeping properly, no interest in anything, feeling guilty about the most trivial things etc. Having gone through it once though I know I’ll survive it somehow. I just push myself to do things. I also am a great believer in letting the grief do what it needs to do. If that means curling up in a ball and crying and shouting then so be it.
I’ve found this forum is a godsend. I too have a supportive spouse and family but sometimes I just don’t want to offload to them and bring their mood down. Sometimes with the people we love the most it’s like we need to shield them from out misery.
Keep posting and be as honest as you like. No one judges you here. It’s a place you offload in a private, safe space. We are all in this together. Thinking of you Helen x
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Hi everyone, oh Kate, that’s so bad that work aren’t allowing you to work from home! How mean is that!! After all your loyalty? It’s not just the practicalities you have to deal with but the principle of being treated, basically like a number. Well, in future you will have to take sick time when you have a cold or headache. You definitely don’t owe them a bloody thing! I’m sure puppy will be fine but it’s sooo disappointing.
Deborah, the buyers will probably still want the house but might try and knock a few £££ off. Sounds like they were keen putting in the offer straight away. My younger sister is doing the probate so just at the beginning of this journey.
Oh how difficult it is sorting through all their personal stuff; letters, underwear drawers, it just feels soo intrusive. We keep apologising to mum and dad as we root through everything. We are trying our best to preserve their privacy and dignity. My elder sister is brilliant when I’m getting too weepy. We pick each other up and give each other a proverbial slap!! When I’m getting over sensitive about some junk ornament dad bought and can’t throw it Sarah will say ‘Helen, we’ve got enough shite of our own, we don’t need mum and dads shite too!!’ 
Only my big sis could get away with that! It makes me laugh. We are keeping lots of their lovely things but even then I wake up at night worrying we are getting rid of too much. I’d just keep everything if I could. They travelled the world extensively and collected fridge magnets. How the fridge door stayed on with the weight of them I’ll never know! I don’t want any of them but it feels wrong throwing them. That’s just one small example. It’s an awful task isn’t it?
Hope everyone is doing okay. Lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Helen.
Great to hear from you again. Lovely words you have posted to Greg. Oh yes I had lots of fridge magnets too. Mum loved them and always bought one when we went on holiday it was like a ritual she just had to do . And we had loads and loads. Like you I thought I can’t get rid of these. They are not just ordinary fridge magnets They are out holidays.
I am trying so hard to keep as much stuff as possible. Been rearranging my house so I can find homes for everything just until I can cope with parting with things anyway.
I have enough plates bowls cookery items pots and pans to last me the rest of my life. I know how you feel about going through everything. It seems wrong I am looking through mum’s draws and cupboards bec she was such a private person. The only way I can get through it is to remind myself that mum would only want me to be the person doing it and I can honestly feel her with me saying well done.
Next week I am emptying all upstairs so that will be a massive achievement.
Only got two dressers to empty downstairs and a kitchen cupboard so it’s coming along slowly.i have found things from my great grandmother and it’s been mind blowing. Even found an old iron that they used to put on the fire as there was no electricity in those days. Stone hot water bottles and copper bed warmers. Oh my goodness it’s like stepping back in history. They really had it hard in those days and I don’t know how they got through it.
I haven’t heard anymore about the house sale. Gone quiet but I expect it’s all happening behind the scenes.
Hope the job is going ok with you and that you are managing ok.
Kate hope you are ok too. I expect you are getting ready to come over soon.
It will be lovely for you. And very different vto the last time when you were flat out with sorting your mum’s house. It will be a different kind of feeling this time.
Yes as Helen said if you don’t feel well don’t even think about going into work Go on sick leave. Been there and got the t shirt many times over. Was always going into work when I was quite ill and always felt I was letting people down if I didn’t but would I do It again Hell no. No one thanks you and at the end of the day you are just a number even in the best job in the world which I always felt I had Put yourself first ok.
Jules have you enjoyed your half term break. Lovely to have the school hols isn’t it?
Easter next so not long to go lol
Gill how are you today ?
Greg how’s work going? Are you managing any better?
Hope everyone else is ok
Love
Deborah
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Hi Greg, I’m sorry for your loss
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Finding mum was the worst moment of my entire life. I still get flashbacks 16 months later!
I too felt robbed of closure as we didn’t have the possibility to say what we both would have wanted. My only consolation is that it would have been immediate and I hope she didn’t suffer.
It’s very early days for you still.
It will get easier in time and this forum really has been a game changer for me. Family and friends aren’t always the best people to offload to in these situations, but we are all ears here.
Sending love and strength.
Kate xx
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Well said Kate. Lovely words. Who would ever have thought we would have reached this far. Thank goodness we had this site and the bonds of friendship between us. We faced the most awful life-changing situation but were also so lucky to have gained amazing life changing friendships.
Keep going everyone that’s going through this painful journey and post whenever you can
We are here for each other.
Hugs
Deborah
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Hi All,
How are you today? The sun is shining here and it’s quite Spring like! 
It’s been such a busy week and next week will be even more so.
I’m looking forward to going back to the Uk and I will say goodbye to the empty house… I have to remind myself that it’s just a house, no longer our home. It will be tough but it has to be done.
Deborah and Helen well done on the clearing. It’s such emotional work but our mums and dads are egging us on from up there. They are proud of us all!
I remember finding an old 70s style orange blanket which I thought mum had got rid of. I remember when I was about 4 lying out in dad’s Old Ford Cortina and putting it over me as the seats were cold leather lol. I would have loved to have brought it back but it was so heavy !
Helen, I agree, we also have too much “stuff” and it’s not plausible being able to keep everything.
I’m so glad that we have donated 90% of the contents of the house to Sue Ryder and the British heart foundation. We could have just hired a skip and dumped so much, but we found good homes for everything in a good state. We donated my dad’s office bookcase to a guy who was thrilled to put it in his little cottage and we gave mum’s bedroom suite to a young couple just starting up home for their daughter’s bedroom. They too were so chuffed.
When we get back we will have our work cut out with the new family member, but I’m hoping the joy, smiles and love will make it all worthwhile.
Hugs too you all!
K xxxx
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Aww Kate I remember everything being orange and brown in the 70’s. Under the stairs mum still has the orange and brown and gold coloured carpet Those were the days !!!
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They were the days Deborah! Mum had the avocado bathroom suite and shagpile carpet in most of the house!
Oh to go back to those happy days…
How is everyone doing? I’ve been dreaming of mum a lot recently; it is comfortIng until I wake up and the stark reality hits me in the face…
Take care.
K xxxx
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Hi Kate,
My first house had an avocado suite and I thought I was so posh !!! It was the highlight of my tiny one bedroom house. 1983 it was. I loved it. And a spiral stairs !!! But I only had that because the room was so small lol. And a spider plant hanging from the ceiling. You had to have one of those . I still have it .Brown curtains and a settee and wait for it gold coloured cushions . OMG I thought I was the Queen !!!
In the kitchen I had a separate tumble dryer. How modern was that !!
In my bedroom I had a duvet from Dorma called Garden of an Edwardian Lady . Super cool !!! So pretty.
I had a little Fiat car that I always had to push to get it started. I was better off walking to be honest.
And do you remember Charlie perfume spray. Dont think it was actual perfume but it was to me .
Hope everyone else is okish.
I have been seeing a robin near my lounge windowsill a lot recently. Comes at odd times too when I am alone. Never seen it before coming so close to the house and never really noticed robins at all.
Nothing new to tell you all except I cleared all of the upstairs of mums house yesterday and it hit me hard taking the photos off the walls. The charity collected lots of things and it was done quickly so I didn’t have time to think about it. It is a totally different experience and feeling going upstairs now. Reminds me when I was about 9 when we first moved there and my sister brother and I were all running in and out of the rooms choosing rooms. It was like being in a time machine to be honest standing on the landing visualising us all small again.
My sister had finally come to her senses and has been messaging me. I am glad I gave her the space after mum passed to sort herself out and at least now things are different. My brother also has been messaging me so it seems so I am happy.
It has made me realise that everyone deals with grief in their own ways and there is no right or wrong way. I suppose in my heart I wanted them to feel the same as me but they had a different long distance relationship with mum so it was never going to be the same as my closeness with her.
Neither have been down though or offered to help me with the house but hey I can’t have everything I suppose lol. I am trying to be positive the best I can and will visit both of them in the next few months with things from mums house.
I have felt extremely exhausted lately. Is anyone else feeling like this? Or is it just me ? I always feel tired to some degree but this is an overwhelming tiredness and even when I sleep I wake up tired.
Agree Kate the reality of our mums not being with us hits me too. I wake up and within a second it hits me and worse that I will never ever see her again or talk to her. Then the gulping feeling comes in my throat and the numbness in my heart.
Its all so heartbreaking.
I know we are all feeling the same but remember we are all a message away.
Deborah x
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Hi Deborah
I know what you mean about being exhausted!! I’ve been feeling like that these past few weeks. Yesterday I worked from home then 2 English lessons and then it was 6pm so had to think about getting a meal etc and I was just so shattered. I was in bed just after 10pm. I have a lot on my mind with the house in Uk and the anticipation of the puppy so I feel mentally tired too and of course on top of everything we are all still grieving.
Your 70s house sounds very cool!
We had a
burgundy velvet effect 3 piece suite with cream and burgundy floral cushions. It sounds gaudy but it was actually very 70s smart. Mum always had a bit of an eye for home decor.
Wow… how strange you mentioned Charlie perfume. I still love it, it’s such a fresh smelling everyday perfume. I often bought it for mum when she ran out of her favourite perfume and it really reminds me of her. She always used to get through so much perfume lol 
. I saw some the other day and it just took me back. I think I’m going to get a bottle!
So many scents remind me of mum.
I’m too going to find it strange going into a completely empty house. So many memories there in those 48 years…
I can imagine how it took you back too. As you say everyone grieves in their own way and you clearly had a different type of relationship with your mum to that of your siblings.
It’s amazing that you are doing all the hard work alone without their support. Your mum is proud of you.
I’m still hoping to see a robin because when mum saw one she always used to say it was dad saying hello, but alas nothing so far.
Well again I’m exhausted so I’ll say bye for now.
Hugs to all.
K xxxxx
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Hi everyone, Deborah I am the same. Don’t know where to put stuff from mum and dad’s. I’ve got a lovely dinner service that I’m keeping but not much room so I will just get rid of my existing stuff and make room for mums. What a find, the old iron and hot water bottles! I’m finding things from great grandparents and even further back. I’ve taken a hand knitted Manchester City scarf that mum made and wore. I’ll wear it to the games and feel her close to me. Glad your siblings are showing more interest. Even them messaging must make a difference.
Kate, it’s funny how the most simplest object can conjure up such strong memories. The orange blanket that took you right back to being a kid in the back of the car. Ha! Wasn’t everything in the 70’s brown and orange and the avocado bathroom suites. We had a plain white bathroom suite. Anyone with a coloured bathroom suite were posh!
Well, I’m not too great right now. I’m feeling really fragile. The slightest thing either makes me lose patience or burst into tears. Mum was a big reader 2 or 3 books a week. She loved Harry Potter (amongst lots of other books). We can’t find her Harry Potter books (a couple of first editions) and for some reason I’ve got myself in a real tizz about them. I don’t know if it was me that got rid of them but I’m having anxiety that it might have been me. No one else is that bothered. Tom says, they’re just books. If they’ve been thrown so be it. Just let it go. It doesn’t matter. The normal rational me would be saying the same thing but it’s like I’ve fixated on this 
. I am sleeping okayish. I fall asleep but then wake up around 4 and can’t get back to sleep. I am eating healthy, although chippy tea tonight! I’m actually going on a trip to London tomorrow. Me and a friend, who lost her dad last May, had booked it in the autumn so I’ve decided to push myself and still go. She’s a good friend and we talk about our losses quite a bit. We are going to see The King and I in the west end. Tom doesn’t like musicals so I don’t go often. We get the train at 8am tomorrow so I’ll get packing soon.
Hope everyone else is coping with all this. Lots of love to everyone in this club. Hxxx
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Hi Helen,
Great to hear from you. Been thinking a lot about you. I am the same as you. For years mum told me that when she leaves us she wanted me to have her watch and my sister something else. I always used to say don’t talk about it mum and I always got upset but she said it a few times over the years so eventually I said don’t worry my. I will remember
Well I plucked up the courage to open her jewellery boxes and couldn’t find a watch at all .I hunted everywhere as I know mum had a wonderful memory and knew exactly where everything was so I know she would have told me if she had got rid of it which I know she wouldn’t have done. I have been paranoid trying to find it. But can’t find it anywhere. It’s the most awful feeling. I know how you are feeling.
Aww I am so glad you are going to London to see the show. I haven’t been for years to London or to see a show. We must meet up sometime in London and go to see one. Last one I saw was We will rock you with Queens music which was truly amazing. Enjoy your little break away.
Send us some photos.
Love to everyone
Deborah x
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Hi Everyone,
How are you all doing ?
Thinking of everyone
Nothing much happening with me. Just plodding on as usual.
Haven’t heard anything about the house sale so all still the same.
Missing mum terribly and have had a few very low days but try to overcome them.
Went out for the first time in the evening since mum passed. Just to the cinema but for me it was huge. Saw the film One Love about Bob Marley. We went to Jamaica years ago and I didnt realise the story behind everything when we went to visit his village where he grew up and his tomb. It was quite sad at the end and i didnt expect that.
Kate I hope your trip to Gloucester was as lovely as could be.
Helen, Gill and Jules are you all okish ?
Love Deborah x
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Hi Deborah and everyone, I’m out tonight so will message properly tomorrow. Sorry you had a downer Deborah but well done for pushing yourself and having a night out. I just feel so guilty doing fun things. I enjoyed London and my friend has lost both her parents recently too so it was good to be with a ‘kindred spirit’
Gave you got the puppy yet Kate? I hope so. Can’t wait to see pics. I’d better go now as out with Tom and feel rude messaging although he doesn’t mind!! Speak soon lots of love Hxxx
Enjoy your night out Helen and Tom !!!
Brilliant about London.
Deb x
Hi Everyone
Just landed in Verona and have had an enjoyable but emotional 3 days in Uk. Will message properly tomorrow.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
Aww Kate I have been thinking about you. Guessed it would have been very emotional this time.
Hope you got through it ok .
Have a rest now x
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
How are you? We got back last night and I woke up with a terrible headache this morning so not the best return! We had a good weekend.
We visited Birmingham on Saturday, I lived so close but apart from the NEC and the airport I’ve never seen the actual city! We were pleasantly surprised. On Sunday I took Alex to see Villa Park stadium and then onto Molineux at Wolverhampton just for the photos!!! We then went to my aunt’s for an afternoon tea and to see my best friend on Sunday night.
It was emotional being in Gloucester. I pre-signed the contract with the solicitor and saw the Estate Agent. I just now have to wait for the exchange date and hope all goes forward.
Going into the house was so strange. It’s now completely empty. We walked down the garden and I just couldn’t stop thinking of all the happy memories in that house. They will last forever. I know it’s inevitable that our parents will die one day, but it’s so heartbreaking letting go of their and our family home.
Gloucester just seemed more melancholic this time. I usually visited at Christmas with the lovely lights or in the Summer, but it did seem grey and sad this time. It was tough seeing all the Mother’s Day reminders too. Every place we passed brought back a memory of mum.
I’m glad we went back, but it just didn’t seem the same. It will always be my hometown, nothing will change that.
I had a comforting dream last night. Mum was sat at the kitchen table looking so well, smiling, genuinely happy. I went to kiss her and hug her, it seemed so real. I hope it was a sign that she’s ok and she’s glad I went back.
We have our puppy arriving on Saturday morning so I’m feeling both excited and apprehensive!! 
How is everyone doing?
Hugs to all.
K xxxx
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Hi girls, I’m still very up and down. I’m hypersensitive to things. My dog wouldn’t jump in the boot herself after our walk and I just really lost my cool over it. Such a trivial thing. She’s perfectly capable of jumping in the boot but was refusing. I had to pick her up and put her in. So what? It’s nothing is it but I flung her in the boot and really shouted at her. I feel so bad about it. I feel like there is a lot of negative emotion close to the surface and the slightest thing sets me off.
We went to a concert last night. It was booked months ago. If Tom had said he wasn’t bothered I probably wouldn’t have gone but he was keen to go. I did have a nice time. Nothing feels the same though does it? Everything has changed. We are doing so well pushing ourselves. It’s what our mums would want. They’d be heartbroken if we were just moping around.
So hard for you Kate seeing your old family home all sad and cold. I feel the same walking into mum and dads. It’s empty without them there. Mum sat reading or knitting and dad brewing up! It’s just all rubbish. Life has just lost its shine now.
It’s my birthday next week and Tom has hired a small canal boat. He said I can invite people. I didn’t get chance to tell him I wasn’t celebrating. I don’t feel up to ‘entertaining’ so I think I’ll just leave it as me and Tom and pooch. It’s a nice way to spend an afternoon chugging along on a boat. Stopping for a nice lunch in a pub and then back again.
Hope everyone else is okay.
Lots of love Hxxx
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