Aww Deborah, I really feel for you. What hell you are going through. It probably feels like losing a huge part of your life with the house. I don’t know how I’ll feel when we are actually selling our mum and dads but I know it has to go and it will be heartbreaking. All the memories are with us, in our heads. The house just brings up those memories to the forefront. The house is the bricks and mortar that those memories were made in but not the memories themselves. You will take those memories with you wherever you go. If you really can’t face selling right now could you rent the house out? At least it will give you time and get you used to not being able to go there when you like, but still have a connection.
Kate is probably the best to advise as she’s been/going through this.
Be kind to yourself though and remember you are supposed to feel upset by this. The house has been a huge part of your life. None of us will go through this without pain. All these secondary losses are like another grief in themselves. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and expected. I’m dreading it but just taking one step at a time. Sending you a great big hug. Lots of love to you Hxxx
Hi Girls,
I am feeling ok this morning.
The house has to go. Well for lots of reasons. We live 40 miles away from it and I worry about it being empty even though I visit there about twice every week. I have kept it 15 months already and thought I would be ready by now to face seeing it sold. I have to wrap up my executors duties with my brother and sister. In fairness they have been fine with me keeping the house this long.
I don’t have anyone that could check on it if I were to go on holidays so I can’t plan anything. And it’s also costing me to keep it as I have to pay council tax and a big premium as it’s now classed as a second home in Wales. Also gas electric and house insurance.
I had a huge wobbler the other night when reality really kicked in but I am ok now.
It has to go and I need to move on from the worry of it. One of the last things mum said to me was “Deb sell the house” and she was always sensible and realistic. In fact I think she is the one behind all this and is probably screaming at me from above shouting “Deb get a move on will you?”
I stayed at the house on my own for a few days after Christmas and I feel that was my time there.
I have signed the contract a few days ago and am waiting for the completion date next.
The grief just caused a panic attack I guess and sent my emotions spiralling. I feel calm today and a strange feeling of acceptance has come over me.
I will get through this somehow. Thank you girls for your lovely kind words x
Love Deborah xxx
Hi Girls
I’ve been reading your messages but have been so busy with the puppy!!! Literally too exhausted come evening to do anything!! It’s worse than a newborn lol:open_mouth:
!!
She’s gorgeous but such hard work!!! Helen tell me it gets easier……!
Aww Deborah I feel for you.
As the girls have said, the house is yours and you are in no rush to sell it. Renting could be an option in the short term to get your thoughts together and cover the costs?
A good friend of mine bought her parents’ house when they passed. She bought out her sister’s share and now lives in her lovely childhood home with her family. If I lived in Uk it may have been an option for me.
However, as you say and I have to agree, the house is now just bricks and mortar and is costing you each month. The memories will always be tucked away in your heart.
It was tough going back and seeing it so empty but tbh it almost felt like another house… just a shell. It felt quite sterile in that state.
I felt strange being in Gloucester and going back to a hotel in the evenings… no real anchor but I knew I couldn’t hold on to the house for sentimental reasons.
My sale is bloody hard work! I don’t know if it’s because the council is the buyer but they still haven’t agreed on a completion date despite constant chasing from my solicitor, the estate agent and me chasing both!!!
It’s so frustrating!!! I want to know where I stand legally because if it falls through at this point then they have been wasting my time. I expect it is due to budget issues and waiting for someone in some office to give the green light for a signature and completion.
It’s costing me loads and I had another hefty council tax bill come through this morning; the house insurance needs renewing and there are other bills too.
I just want to sell it asap tbh.
If your sale goes through smoothly then think yourself lucky in that respect.
My mum,like yours, said to me the day before she died “let’s sell the house Kate” so I know she’s behind me 100%. Your mum would be the same and my mum would have lost her temper at the timeframe involved lol!
They are behind us always.
Anyhow hope my advice helps and I’m glad you are feeling better and more calm today.
Love to all.
K xxxx
I always had music in my life, it played a big part growing up and all the way through my life really. Not only that but it’s my companion now I live on my own.
Hi ,
Aww Kate you have waited a long time to complete the sale.
I have come to terms with it all now and just going to totally empty the house next week and clean it. Then walk away.
Keith I very often play music but not as much as I used to. I usually end up crying with the lyrics of songs.
Hope everyone is doing okish
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
How’s everyone doing?
Not much happening with me except waiting for the completion date on the house. Heard nothing all of last week.
I have taken rose cuttings from her rose tree so hopefully they will grow. Am going to plant them everywhere in my garden and also give some to friends and relatives. Mum had two rose trees. One bright yellow which she absolutely loved and the other was a bright red one with the most beautiful fragrance.
I have been trying to grow them on my kitchen windowsill but this week placed them outside. Hope it’s not too early.
Love to you all
Deborah xx
Hi Girls
Sorry I’ve been silent but I have been so busy and constantly tired I’ve not had the energy come evening.
Skye is keeping us so busy and then there’s work, lessons, football commitments and everything else!
I’m still waiting on the exchange of contracts although the buyer’s solicitor has “pencilled in” Friday. I won’t believe it until I see the proof!!!
Spring is a very triggering for me as it was mum’s season and am just missing her so much! I seem to do strange rituals like for instance the last bottle of perfume mum bought for me is long finished but I can’t bring myself to bin it!
I bought another bottle of the same perfume but I just can’t let that other bottle go!
How are you all?
Love and hugs
K xxxx
Hi Kate,
Snap!!!
I have an empty bottle of perfume that mum bought for me and it’s empty and been in my draw by my bed for months. I love the perfume but can’t bring myself to buy another one. And today whilst at her house I was clearing the kitchen cupboard and found a piece of paper in a china cup. On it was the make and name of the perfume. She obviously went out of her way to buy it for me because you can only order it . I remember her telling me she went to Boots and ordered it. Here’s the photo of the empty bottle I just took.
I signed the deeds of exchange of contracts last week. I thought it was the actual exchange of contracts but it wasn’t.
Apparently only the both solicitors do the exchange of contracts over the phone and they can’t do it unless a completion date has been agreed between both parties. Had an email yesterday to agree the completion date and the contracts were exchanged yesterday. Completion date is next Wed so I have a week to get everything out of the house clean it and give the keys etc.
Looks like we will complete around the same time.
I always feel tired too. It’s grief Kate because I was never this tired. You are doing so much.
Juggling everything is not easy and I know you give 100% so it’s taking its toil on you.
Look after yourself and try to get some ME time if you can x
Love Deborah xxxx
Hi Deborah and everyone
How are you doing?
Wow that’s incredible regarding the perfume Deborah and finding the receipt. Bless your mum!
I’m missing mum so much recently, I think I’m dreaming of her but I can’t always remember when I awake. I feel her presence at night time.
March is a difficult month and next Thursday is mum’s birthday. She would have been 87.
Fantastic news re the house sale, yours is going through quickly which is great!
I finally heard today that the council have given 5th April as the first available completion date and hopefully exchange will be on Monday.
My fingers and toes are crossed!!!
We are going away with Alex’s team to the seaside over the Easter weekend for a 3 day tournament. We did the same last Easter.
I’m glad to get away as Mum enjoyed Easter mainly to see Alex doing his Easter egg hunt in the garden. It’s tough getting through it so I prefer to be away from home.
Skye had her vaccination today so is sleeping a lot. She’s such a darling. We are all besotted!
Helen and Jules hope you are ok?
Love to all of you as always.
K xxxx
Hi Kate, no
That’s wonderful about the completion date.
It’s countdown now got me. Next Wed and it will all be over. Not sure how I will be but I have to sell it so I will just have to brave myself for next week.
I looked after a little toddler today for someone . It got me thinking about the circle of life and how precious life really is.
I wish I could snap out of this grief and enjoy my life but I just cant. Maybe one day!!!
I brought back lots of garden ornaments today even the rusty ones and thought of you Helen with the cockerel.
Aww Kate your mum’s birthday is this month. My mum would have been 91 next May.
I should have done something special last year to remember her on her 90th as she always said she wanted to reach 90. I just didn’t have the strength last year to do anything. I wish I had though.
Love Deborah x
Hi everyone, sounds like the house sales are progressing well for you both Kate and Deborah. It’s good but I know it carries sadness and another sense of loss with it. We haven’t even started the probate yet as we had to release the wills from the solicitors first which we’ve only just sorted.
Oh haha! That cockerel!! It’s hideous but none of us can bear to throw it away and none of us want the damn thing either. I don’t know what mum was thinking buying that but it’s certainly made us laugh when sorting stuff.
I’ve had a bad week. Felt really down. I’ve been having anxiety which I don’t normally have. Not to the point of needing medication but it’s there. I’ve also lost so much confidence at work. When I went back after time off losing dad, my days and hours have been changed and it’s just completely thrown me. I had 3 really complex patients in one day and it’s rocked me a bit. I know it will get better but I feel like a shell of my former self right now. I know it’s the grief. Basically I just want my mum and dad back! 
Also, I’m annoyed with Tom as I want to go and see the girls in May but Tom says he doesn’t want to go then. I’ve been over to the states many times on my own but just feeling a bit wobbly to go alone. He says he’s not coming so I’m sad about by that. I’ve not fallen out with him but I am disappointed.
Deborah, we are crossing the border today for a hike up Snowdon. I’ll wave at you from the top!!
Kate, I’m so glad it’s all going well with Skye. They all have their moments but on the whole having a dog is such a blessing. I’ll message you about visiting. Enjoy the tournament
Have a good weekend everyone. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
Get the little train up to the top. It leaves from Llanberis. Doesn’t go quite to the top so you can say you walked to the top lol.
Much easier. Mum and I went on It a year before she passed.
In the summer maybe we could meet up near there.
Will write longer tom as am worn out from clearing mum’s house.
Deborah x
Hi Girls
How are you? Sorry I’ve been quiet, but I’ve just been so busy and exhausted.
We finally exchanged contracts on Monday and completion is 5th April. It’s such a relief and I was getting so stressed about it. I hope you are feeling ok Deborah now that you have completed. It’s hard and emotional but it’s also a relief don’t you think?
Helen how are you feeling now lovely ? I too get very anxious since mum passed. I think it’s normal and you have had a huge double loss to deal with, plus your little dog. It’s normal to feel anxious as your foundations have been rocked this past year. An emotional tsunami.
Have you decided to go to USA alone or later with Tom?
It would be great to meet up girls here in Italy if you’re up for it. Helen I know you are in for coming to Bologna and the direct flight is so handy!
It’s mum’s birthday tomorrow and I feel that as the exchange finally went through this week, it was mum getting things moving. She never had that much patience and would have been getting so cross by now lol.
I miss her so much every single day. 
Anyhow girls I’ll sign off for now and wish you goodnight.
Keep posting.
Lots of love
K xxxx
Hi Everyone,
Well what a few days it’s been. A whirlwind I would say. I have had to hit the floor running as they say. Emptying mum’s house this week has involved doing 3 days of 2 trips back and fore at 100 mile roundtrips each time. Moving boxes and boxes and furniture every trip and finding homes here for everything and rearranging rooms has been my life for days. And that’s after I have removed loads in the past few months.
Today was completion date so yesterday I went to mum’s house for the last time and kissed goodbye to the house. I walked out with her photo in my hand , shut the gate and got into the car and closed my eyes while Paul drove away.
Got home and it hit me for six and I sobbed and sobbed.
I felt a loss of not just the house but mum not being there again, of never driving there again,of not chatting to neighbours or going to the local shop just a few meters away. Also the fact that there isn’t anyone living in the town that is related to me anymore. It’s such a strange feeling knowing I haven’t anyone I can visit there. I once had so many relatives and now they have all gone. I felt sheer emptiness and saddness.
Today I feel numb because I have lost what I have been focussing on for the past 15 months and have nowhere to go to to sort things or bring anything back from. It’s all gone.
Spent today closing down utility services council tax insurance water etc. All final things.
Then today of all days my son had an offer accepted on a flat so that seemed weird in a way. Was mum behind it all I wonder? It got me thinking anyway.
Kate it’s wonderful you have a date for completion. At long last things care moving for you. I don’t understand why everything takes so long.
I too have felt exhausted and still do. The past few days I have not experienced tiredness on this scale. It’s been overwhelming and there’s been times when I thought I was going to collapse.
I can’t think straight at the mo and am going to have to rest big time and get myself stronger physically and mentally as I am not really in a good place.
Kate the strain of the house sale is contributing big time to your tiredness so rest as much as you can. Otherwise you will be burnt out what with working and looking after your family.
How’s everyone else doing? Jules I hope you are enjoying the hols. Are you off school for two weeks ? Don’t forget to let us know what happened at the hairdresser’s.
Helen the America trip sounds great. Why doesn’t Tom want to go ? Is it because of work?
Gill how are you? Hope you are ok. Not the right word I know but you know what I mean.Are you still getting out and about walking?
Just want to wish you all a happy Easter girls. I can’t even remember last Easter. Think it by passed me somehow with all the grief last year being so raw.
I always associated Easter with new life and new beginnings which of course is still that but now it doesn’t seem the same without mum.
Am sending a photo of mum’s dresser I brought back here with her china. Hope you like it . I managed to find room for it.
I feel she is looking down and saying thank goodness she kept my china lol.
Love to you all
Deborah x xxx
My mother passed away end of November unexpectedly. She was in for small Bowel obstruction was discharged after 10 days couldn’t walk nothing a lot of negligence and errors by the NHS mum started bleeding Melina and within 3.5 weeks mum died she got rushed in had a cardiac arrest she bled out and the NHS are covering it up, the DR admitted negligence and errors and I may think I will sue it won’t bring mum back but they need to learn the lesson. Mum was everything to me I lost my dad 28 years ago she was mum and dad I looked after her stayed with her, we travelled did everything together. I have lost a huge part of my life I feel like I’m living for the sake of living no purpose in life, only people will understand what I’m going through when they experience it otherwise friends and family don’t really understand.
Hi Chirag,
Just read your post. My mum passed away with a bowel obstruction.It was in her small intestine. She was 89 so she couldn’t undergo an operation so there was nothing they could do. At the time I begged them to operate and I mean begged them. Now after 15 months I realise she would never have survived the operation let alone the recovery. But at the time I was convinced she would. It is so hard going with dealing it with all.
Just want you to know I understand what you are going through. I really do and also the rest of the girls on here understand as well.
You have done the right thing in reaching out and posting. No one can go through this horrible journey on their own. Post as often as you want. Share stories about your lovely mum, talk about how you are feeling and anything you are going through and even rant if you need to. No one in our little group will judge you and you will have nothing but support and friendship.
As you said nothing can bring your mum back so that’s all you can do for now is survive and put things in place to get through each day.
The other girls will pop up soon with some suggestions for you.
For me just focussing on each morning then each afternoon was all I could do in the beginning and even now it’s sometimes like that when times get difficult. I used to plan just to do one or two things each morning then the same for the afternoon. Just small things even something like tidying up a cupboard or going for a five minute walk. Then resting,sleeping in-between or having a snack.
Try to make some time for yourself whatever your situation is. Even 5 mins being alone can be a big help.
Carrying on without our mum’s is the most painful thing and I don’t know how to proceed myself. I just know my mum would want me to enjoy my life and carry on. Right now though I am far from that so I know how you feel.
This site has been a godsend to me. It saved me. I have the most wonderful caring friends on here who were there for me through my darkest hours. They are still there. It’s like there is an invisible golden thread that runs through us bonding us together. And of course that’s our mums and also our dad’s as most of us have also lost our dad’s too.
You should be proud of yourself that you have plucked up the courage to post so keep going.
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Sending love from Wales
Deborah xxxc
Hi Chirag,
I am so sorry you lost your mum. I have no words for the incompetence of the surgeons. (Yes, I have but I do not want to write it here.) Reading your post sends me shivers down my spine and makes me angry. My father died in similar circumstances in the seventies after a bodged operation in Germany.
I am lucky in a way. It was about 14 month ago that I woke up at about 1 am with an abdominal pain. I did ignore it and managed to sleep until about 7 am. I walked to my brother’s house (he died of a heart attack about 25 months ago) and the neighbour noticed that I was in pain. She drove me to the GP and the then to the hospital (short version). They did not take it seriously at first but were worried after looking at the x-ray. They had to take out a part of my abdomen. They told me that I was lucky, I would have died if they had delayed the operation by an hour. (The recovery was short because they performed a keyhole surgery.) Some months later they had to do it again, they had missed a bit the first time. I had to wait for over 4 hours for the ambulance, but, I was lucky, my 80 year old neighbour waited with me. - Reading your post, I have to say that I was very lucky, I had two good surgeons.
Have a look if there is a bereavement group near you. (You could ask your GP.) A friend persuaded me to join one and I do not regret it. The only problem is that our group only one a month. I was a bit lost the first time but the second time was much better.
Take care of yourself.
Nick
Worst thing was the bowel obstruction had seemed to be resolved at discharge and they discharged mum without her anti acids I think mum ate anything even spicy food I think that must have caused an ulcer and a bleed which caused melina upper GI bleed and that caused the shock and the heart to cave In. The worst thing is they discharged mum without any mobility assessment she couldn’t walk get of the toilet seat the nurse said hurry and find a wheelchair as the porters will take long as other patients are waiting for the bed absolutely disgusting in Leicester uk even the post mortem we were not given the option of a full post mortem and they did a CT post mortem which would not show anything even the pathologist put fake things on the death certificate this whole medical system is a shamble in the uk and it will only get worse it angers me but what can be done they will never listen and people will keep on loosing loved ones in the worst manner. Mum was only 64 and my father was only 38 it pains to see both gone
Hi cbhatt18,
I can understand how you feel as there were several failings with my mum when she was in hospital. I watched my mum being put on end of life and it still haunts me that I couldn’t do anything. I stayed with her 24/7 in the hosp for 3 weeks just so i could see everything they did to her. I wasn’t allowed to give her anything to eat which was painful. I begged them to let me take her home and eventually they agreed as they too needed the bed. But it was all too late for her. I had her home for another 3 weeks and tried everything to get her better. I made liquidy food for her and bought everything I could think of but although she tried so hard she just wasn’t strong enough. I feel the hospital left her to die.
Whilst in hosp I did all her personal care except moving her which is all the staff did. I could go on and on but its too upsetting to even write.
My heart goes out to you because I felt exactly the same as you are feeling now.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi Everyone
Aww Deborah the dresser looks lovely and I’m sure your mum is so proud of all you have achieved regarding the house clearing and sale. Give yourself a huge pat on the back.
It’s heartbreaking I know, but you did so well.
Sending love to you. I’m in the middle of the tournament but will write once back home.
Happy Easter to you and everyone here.
K xxxx