I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and your mum was so young too!
My mum passed suddenly from cardiac arrest 18 months ago in my home and although the shock was horrendous and I still struggle with not have being able to have said my goodbye and prepared myself psychologically, I’m glad she was saved hospital care. I’ve read so many terrible stories on here of sheer negligence and lack of proper dignified care.
My heart’s goes out to you.
We are all here for each other here so post whenever you need to.
Sending love and strength.
Kate xxx
Sorry to hear that your dad suffered from a lack of proper hospital care many years ago, but as you rightly say you were very lucky.
Sometimes it seems like a lottery with hospital care and that’s not acceptable. Our loved ones deserved the proper care they were entitled to and when I read such stories it makes me so sad and angry.
Sending you best wishes,
Kate x
Hi Deborah, sorry it took a while for me to respond. I have read the posts but just been too tired to respond in the evening by the time I get chance to sit down. I’m coping by keeping myself as busy as possible. I can’t imagine how hard it is walking away from your mums house for the last time. You’ve done it! What a huge step. The dresser looks beautiful and all that lovely China. I love it. I’m still plodding on with mum and dad’s house. Just got the clothes to sort through now. It’s unreal isn’t it? I’m having up and downs. The downs are awful. Debilitating. I’m still managing to live a life though. Me and Tom are going on a helicopter ride tomorrow (weather permitting). I booked it a long time ago and only now feel up to it. We’ll have a pub lunch afterwards so that should be a good day.
Sleep for me now so I will say goodnight. Lots of love for now Hxxx
Hi Kate, that’s good news that you have a date for the house going through. Another step forward. I too have been really exhausted. Probably a mix of grief, work and menopause!! I’ve been looking at flights to Bologna in May but just need to confirm my annual leave as hoping to go the USA in May as my middle grandaughter is in a dance show then. Just need to check dates but will let you know and can check if that suits you. If it doesn’t happen in May it will be later in the year but hopefully May will suit. I’ve had a good weekend but always a sadness now. Probably always will but just need to learn to live with it somehow. It’s late now so off to sleep. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen, Kate and everyone,
So lovely to hear from you. Have been thinking where’s Helen. Knew you would pop back when you were ready and realised you are working.
Wow a helicopter flight. That’s amazing.
Yes the house sale was emotional on every level but it’s done now. I feel as though I have gone through another loss obviously of a different kind. Feels like I have lost a limb and I don’t have anywhere to go or sort it clear. It’s a new one for me for sure. Just need to let it all sink in.
Sorting clothes is just as tough. I brought all mums back here and sorted what I definitely didn’t want to keep and gave to charity or friends. The rest I put into two wardrobes of mum’s that I brought back here and although I have worn some there are loads that I haven’t. That’s my next job. Resorting them . I feel stronger now to do It and glad I kept them.
Take your time with the clothes. You can always make memory bears for the girls.
I have started to share out mum’s money with my brother and sister and omg that is so emotional and upsetting. Not upsetting that I am giving them the money as I want them to have it but more it was money mum had worked so hard for and saved so hard all her life. It didn’t seem right using it if you know what I mean. Mum was very private and I never knew much about her financial situation so being in control of her money has been so upsetting for me . I can almost hear her saying Deb just get on with it.
Got to sort Capital Gains Tax next. Managed to get an accountant to sort it for me as I took one look at the form and almost did a runner. Too stressful for me to attempt it.
Kate not long now before completion date. It all has so quick on that day.
Have you redirected your mum’s mail. I haven’t done it yet as they wanted certain documents sent to them and I didn’t want to do that. Have to call into a post office. Costs £75 . Doubt there will be much mail at the house though.
Also when you stop gas electric house insurance council tax and water ask if there are any refunds on the accounts because otherwise they don’t tell you.
Anyway girls hope you are all getting through the Easter hols ok.
Thinking of you
Deborah xxx
Hope you got through Easter ok. We had a good time at the seaside and Skye was so so good. She behaved so well and her first weekend out was heavy going and busy but she took it all on her stride.
It was tough being in that seaside area because it was a place we’d often take mum to and we even ate in a few restaurants that we went with mum.
I felt quite emotional and the tears and memories were just below the surface. I felt her presence.
I got mum’s garden fence repaired yesterday as the buyer wanted that done before completion so now everything is done ready for Friday. I’m feeling ok because the house is just that without mum and I found it difficult being there without her. It was strange and and I felt empty.
Deborah, I feel the same about inheriting mum’s estate; it feels weird, but I know she’s up there feeling happy and contented that she can give us and especially her beloved grandson a hand for his future, studies etc.
I will always be so grateful to her for that. I will feel that she’s always near us and part of whatever we will be doing.
Helen hope you are coping ok and that the helicopter ride was fun! I’m looking forward to seeing you here in Bella Italia over the summer and showing you around beautiful Bologna.
Deborah if you change your mind it would be great to see you too! if not the next time for sure!
Anyhow girls I’ll sign off for now and send you all a virtual hug.
Keep posting!
Lots of love K xxxx
Hiya girls,
Aww Kate I will be thinking of you on Friday. I agree about the house. When I saw mum’s house totally empty it wasn’t the same without her there.
It’s gone now and I have had a week to get used to it. It feels like relief in so many ways but I feel guilty even saying that.
Glyn bought a flat in Cardiff the same day as mum’s completion date and that day the funds came through. I gave my share to Glyn for the flat so I feel mum has helped him so much in securing his first home. I found it mind-blowing thought that it happen on the same day. Did she have something to do with it? I like to think she did.
Thank you Kate for the offer to come over to Italy. I promise I will come over this year sometime but not in May. To be honest I feel exhausted with the house sale and totally up the creek emotionally. The way I am feeling right now I don’t think I could find my way to Cardiff and if I got on a plane I would probably end up in Africa or somewhere lol.
Helen I will come with you next time ok.
Anyway I hope you all had a rest over Easter and enjoyed the time with your families.
I stayed home and just started tidying up the garden. I brought mum’s rose cuttings back and planted them and so far so good. I think they have survived. I also emptied all her pots from her garden and the buyers wanted everything removed. Managed to save lots of bulbs from them and am going to plant them all together somewhere soon.
Tonight I sorted more of her china.OMG she had loads and I swear I could open a tea shop. I am determined to use them and not have them stuck in the dresser for ever.
I am going to donate one set to the steam railway mum and I used to go for afternoon tea. I think she would approve and I know that the pieces will be used such a lot.
I washed all her artificial flowers and have them in vases. Will take some photos tom to show you.They are so pretty.
Aww Skye is so adorable. A real bundle of fun and stay if sunshine I imagine.
You are converting me to love dogs!!!
She looks so cute in the photos.
Gill and Jules how are you doing?
I expect Jules you are enjoying what’s left of the school hols.Make the most of every day.
Gill are you ok?
Apologies if I have missed anyone out. Just want to say I hope you are all doing okish and feel free to post whenever you want.
Hugs
Deborah x
Oh Deborah, how do you feel love, about the house sale going through. Are you feeling any better now you are on the other side of it? That’s wonderful to be able to help Glynn with his flat. Your mum would be absolutely delighted. It’s like part of her is in the flat and forging a path for her beloved grandson. That’s a wonderful thing. Your mum definitely had a part in that. How they went through on the same day? I think that’s all so lovely.
I hope you’re doing okay. Maybe just take some rest after a difficult few months. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. You’ve done so well. I’m proud of you and that you managed to keep pushing forward despite the setbacks (and heartbreak)
I’ve been pretty low recently. I’m missing mum and dad terribly. I was sat at some traffic lights one afternoon and normally I would turn right to go to mum and dads for a brew and natter. It just hit me that I can’t do this so turned left for home instead. That made me cry, a lot! I’m up and down. Today has been okayish but shed a few tears talking to one of my work colleagues about our losses. She’s lost her husband, her young son-in-law and her step dad all in the last 3 years. We both had watery eyes this morning.
Kate, Skye is so gorgeous. I’m so glad she’s fitting into the family so well. I bet Alex adores his little sister!! I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. I know it’s just a house now your mum isn’t there but it’s still difficult. I guess we’ve been through the worst loss with our mums so anything else doesn’t really come close. Hope it all goes smoothly anyway.
Getting tired now so will say, night-night and God bless. Lots of love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
I am ok after it all. But I havent been back to the actual town yet and I am sure it will hit me hard when I realise I can no longer to to the house. All her neighbours told me to call but I don’t think I can go back there. Maybe one day who knows. I never thought I would get to this point.
I have been thinking about you so much. Losing your mum was devastating but also your dad is just something I cant even imagine going through. Life is so cruel sometimes. How you have got through it I will never know. But I am the one that is proud of you for all you have come through.
I cry too and for the slightest thing. I have got worse when I talk about mum. Cant finish a sentence without crying. I found something with her writing on it and just sobbed. I am going to keep it for ever. She had such tiny writing and on teh piece of paper were instructions how to tie a scarf a certain way. We did laugh when we found it.
Are you going out to see Kate ? How long are you going out for ?
It will be amazing
Hugs
Deborah x
Hello all, Sorry I haven’t been very vocal recently but I am in a very strange place at the moment. My Dad is very poorly and after seeing him today I know we don’t have long. I’m numb to be honest and I’m not sure how to feel. Seeing him looking so old and frail is hard. He has stopped eating and has given up. The house is no longer the same and he just wants to be with Mum now. I’m struggling but don’t want to add to everybody’s sadness. I feel like my life is just slipping away - despite having a good job, husband and lovely children and friends. I’m holding onto the past and need to let go but I can’t. Sorry just need to let some of this sadness out.I feel like I am going backwards.
Have been reading your posts though to keep up with what you are all doing. Will post again when feeling a bit better . Jules x
Aww Jules I am so sorry for you. Its acceptable for you to feel like you do. Please dont ever think you are adding to our sadness because you are not. that is what we are here on this little group for. To help each other through the good and bad times and stick together through thick and thin.
I know a little of how you are feeling because I too have everything and more than I could possibly wish for but still feel empty and sad. I can’t let go of the past either. It is such a horrible place to be in sometimes.
I honestly have come to realise that we will always go backwards at certain times of this journey. I know I have. Am pretty sure the girls on here have as well.
It’s going to be a tough time for you. We are here for you always so whenever you feel like posting please do so.
I will be thinking of you xx
Deborah x
Are you able to take some time off work? I know you are on Easter hols but can tHE GP sign you off for a while?
Keep as strong as you can Jules.
Hi Jules,
Just checking in on you to see if you are ok. I know you are not ok but okish if you get what I mean. No need to reply because I know you may be with your dad. Just want you to know I am thinking of you and I know the girls will be too.
Sending so much love to you xx
Deborah xxx
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply but I’ve been busy with various things and have just been feeling flat.
The house sale went through last Friday and although I’m very relieved and feel so grateful to mum, I’ve just been feeling quite strange and deflated. A chapter of my life has been closed forever.
Mum would be saying you need to go and celebrate, be happy and get on with enjoying your life, but at the moment I’m feeling this way. I miss her terribly. In time I hope I will be able to turn the page with more optimism.
Jules I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. It must be heartbreaking seeing him become frailer and giving up. I think we just think our parents will go on forever even though we can see them fading before our eyes. In hindsight I wish I’d have realised mum was living on borrowed time those last months and weeks. I guess we don’t want to think the unthinkable. My advice is to say all you want to to your dad now and spend time with him.
We all know the heartache of not being able to do that any more with our mums.
Stay strong Jules as hard as it is. I’m thinking of you.
Deborah, that’s amazing that the completion coincided with Glyn buying the flat. It was definitely your mum wanting to help him!
I hope that when Alex is old enough, he will realise that his granny will have helped him too.
Mum was from a large working class family and didn’t have the financial possibility and help that she’s given us and I want Alex to realise this. We will always be grateful to her and I know she will be contented knowing she will have been able to help us.
Helen, I agree with Deborah. You’ve done/are doing amazingly well. How are you feeling this week?
Grief, as we all know, is constant ups and downs. Our loved ones want us to be happy and live our lives as best as we can, but sometimes it’s just so hard to push forward isn’t it? Keep going forward, we are all here for you and for each other.
Hi Kate,
First of all well done on the house selling and completing. Its been a long time for you and heart wrenching.
You have said everything I am feeling.
After the house sale I feel strange. Not having the house to go to is difficult and I tend not to travel through the town where she lived so I dont have to think about it and it kind of helps a little. So far I havent heard anything from neighbours about what the new buyers are like and what they have done so that’s a good thing. I am a great believer in change though and people having new ideas so am not too worried about that as they are bound to do different things to the house.
I always used to tell mum to spend her money but she always said no because she wanted to leave us something so I know she would have bene thrilled at me getting the asking price for the house. She definitely didnt have much money and like you I appreciate every penny she gave us. We all thought she was with us on the day Glyn bought the flat and within an hour her money came through. Within minutes of seeing the money in my bank account a rainbow appeared right outside my bedroom window and it was so close I felt I could almost touch it. Could it have been a sign ???
Gosh I did a lot of crying that day.
The worry of having the responsibilty for the house has gone which is great. I used to worry so much someone would know it was empty and break in.
Jules I am thinking of you. As Kate said spend as much time with your dad as you can and remember we are here for you.
Helen how are you ? Any travel plans yet?
Deborah x
Jules, my heart breaks for you. I understand watching your dad getting frailer and weaker since losing your mum. This was torture for me seeing the change in my dad after mum died. As you know I lost dad suddenly at Christmas so can relate to how you feel. If it’s any consolation I do have some peace of mind knowing dad is free from his mental anguish and with mum again. Your life isn’t slipping away even though it feels like it is but it is changing. It’s so hard and my heart goes out to you. Spend as much time with him as you can. Forget about work for now. Write on here as much as you need to. I promise you won’t add to our sadness. Nothing could. Thinking of you and sending so much love. Hxxx
Hi girls, Kate, I’ve been thinking of you and how you must be feeling now the house has sold. We are experts now at grief so you don’t need any of us to tell you to just go with the lows and know they will pass. So so hard though, all of this.
Deborah, that was amazing about the rainbow. So many signs from your mum that she okay and happy with everything you’ve done. That’s just lovely.
I’m feeling flat also. Sometimes I still have to tell myself that mum and dad have actually gone as my brain still struggles to take it in sometimes. I’ve been quite weepy. I still write to them both but hadn’t for a good month so thought it was time. As I was writing tears were just dropping on to the paper. I miss them terribly. It’s a pain I guess I’ll always have. I still have this anxiety but quite a low level but it’s there all the time. Something good… I’ve booked flights to America to see the girls for mid May so that’s exciting. I think it’s only about 5 weeks away. Can’t wait!
I’ll have to say night night as my eyes are dropping. Lots of love to you all, Helen xxx
Hi Girls,
How are you all ?
We are still battling with storms and wet weather. Been like this for about 2 weeks. Doesn’t help my mood.
Trying to be positive though as have a few things going on. Glyn and his flat, having our garden decking redone next week and trying to get more work done at the chalet.
Feel exhausted all the time though. Does anyone else feel tired ?
Jules I am thinking of you.
Love Deborah x
Hi Deborah, Kate, Jules and all, No wonder you feel so drained with everything you’ve had going on in recent weeks, Deborah. It’s been another loss for you with the house going. Keep going lovely. Kate, I hope you are managing to process the house sale too. We are experts at this now and know it does get better
We’ve had a few better days this week. I wanted to mow the lawn but the lawn mower is faulty. It’s gone for repair today so I will hopefully get that done soon, before the grass turns into a meadow! I’ve got loads of cutting back to do but the weather has been so wet here. Like raining every single day. I normally cut the old growth and deadwood back in January/feb time but it’s just been too wet. It’s good to get outdoors.
I’ve not been as weepy this week. I haven’t seen my sisters for a few weeks and it’s making me feel insecure? It’s weird as normally it wouldn’t bother me. It’s only because our work patterns haven’t lined up to get together but I’m vulnerable. I probably have some subconscious fear that every one is slipping away from me? I don’t know but I know it’s the grief changing my perception of things. It does that doesn’t it? So many aspects to grief. Not just about the loss of the person but all the other effects it has on your mindset.
Anyway, I’m okay and I hope you are all doing okay too. Thinking of us all. Thinking of you Jules and hoping you and your dad are getting lots of precious time together and he is finding some peace. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
xx
