How are you? Deborah what awful weather! I don’t want to rub it in but it’s 26 here, this April is more like June! Tomorrow it’s supposed to be 29!!!
I agree about the house, I was paranoid it would get broken into or squatters would take hold!
It is a relief in that respect.
The rainbow is amazing! I haven’t had any signs for ages …well until last night.
My English friend from uni who lives nearby and I went out for a meal last night and we always meet half way between our 2 towns.
I looked online for a new restaurant to try and then last night set google maps for the directions.
When I arrived and walked in I couldn’t believe it.
It was mum’s favourite restaurant from years ago which had changed hands in the meantime!!
When mum used to visit 15/20 years ago we often went there (with my ex) on a Friday night. There was a friendly little waiter there who mum always called Charlie… no idea why lol!
It was strange being there with my friend; so many memories came flooding back.
It was her happy place. Then when I got home I saw that my ex had texted me to say he’d sold the apartment where we lived together and to ask how I was. It just seemed two strange coincidences in one night!
Helen it’s strange you saying that you write to your parents too. As I was waiting for my friend at the restaurant I emailed mum saying you’ll never guess but I’m sitting at Charlie’s !
I find it helps to write to her.
Jules I’m thinking of you and your dad. Hope all is ok and that you are managing with all the emotions. We are all here for you.
Hello everybody, Thank you so much for thinking of me and your kind words. Means so much to me. My husband whisked us off to Paris for 5 days to try and lift my spirits. Was lovely to get away but I almost said no as was convinced Dad would pass while I was away. I’m beginning to realise I can’t live like that - second guessing and fearful of going anywhere - just in case. My sister was here keeping an eye on him. We are all doing amazingly well ladies given everything we are going through. We must remember there are so many positives in our world! That’s amazing news about Glynn’s house Deborah. I have fond memories of Cardiff! I hope everything goes swimmingly for him. Kate / Helen: You are right about the memories and our Mums being everywhere. We must keep going. Dad is not well. He isn’t eating but refuses medical help or any support. He can’t manage the stairs but refuses for us to support him in moving downstairs. He’s rattling around in a 4 bedroom house. Don’t even ask about the utilities! I almost fell over when I saw his bill. We are doing what we can to spend time with him. Wish I didn’t have to work full time but my Dad doesn’t want me taking time off. He is very clear about that. Just have to enjoy our time together. Dad is very political and always used to get me in a debate about something. He has no energy for it now so I do miss our spats! I know he is missing Mum terribly and perhaps she is calling him to her. Maybe I need to try and take some peace from this. X
Hiya girls,
Jules it’s lovely to hear from you. You are doing everything you can for your dad so you should be so proud of yourself.
Helen I also feel vulnerable. I hadn’t been out of the house for 16 days until one day this week when I went shopping. I felt wobbly in the shop and hellish vulnerable. Couldn’t wait to get back home. I realise that being okish at home is different to being okish when out. I need to sort myself out big time and get out more. At least I realise I am getting myself into a rut so things need to change.
Kate I am flabbergasted with the restaurant. I strongly feel it’s your mum especially so close to the house sake. Just like me and Glyn’s flat and mum’s house all going through on the same day and her money coming through the same day so I could help him. There’s no other explanation for it because you could have chosen any restaurant.
As for the ex well I can’t explain that one lol. Where did he come from all of a sudden? Maybe he wants to give you half of the flat lol.
I really believe in strange things occuring for no reason. Not sure about rainbows, robins and butterflies but I believe in white feathers, lights, random numbers and just things happening that you can’t explain.
We have to have something to keep us going.
Has anyone else had any signs lately?
Here’s a photo of some flowers I have from mum’s house Artificial of course but so pretty. They are in my bedroom so when I wake up I can think of mum as soon as I wake up. Well I do anyway but having her things around me is comforting. And her little ornaments too.
Love to you all. Try to find some ME time as you all work so hard. Wish I lived nearer you all so I could help you.
Deborah xx
Hi girls, lovely words there Deborah. No I haven’t had any signs recently but that’s okay. I too find comfort in having mum and dad’s things around. I wear mums ring all the time and constantly twiddle with it.
Kate that text from your ex and the whole restaurant thing is a bit goosebumpsy! Definitely your mum. How is Skye? Still making you smile I’m sure. Mary is so clumsy. She’s always bumping herself or falls off the sofa in her sleep. She makes me laugh.
Jules, I’ve been thinking of you and your dad. Hope you are coping okay. That was lovely of your hubby to take you for a little trip. Hope you could recharge.
I’ve been very flat this week. Not very weepy although always some tears and no joy either. Just plodding on. Missing mum and dad a lot. Still struggle to take in what’s happened. But I know it will ease in time. I’m forcing myself to do things. I’ve been eating healthily and I’m doing oarkrun this morning which is 5k. Weather looks good so will get out in the garden later. I’m hoping it will give me an energy boost as I could honestly stay in bed quite easily if I didn’t push myself.
Hope you all manage to something lovely this weekend. Lots of love Hxxx
Hope you are ok. Lovely words Deborah.
Jules hope your dad is as well as can be and that you had a nice break in Paris.
Helen, like you I’ve been feeling flat recently and I keep having flashbacks and mum is often in my thoughts. I think our grief evolves, the shock passes but the sadness intensifies with time.
I know mum is willing me to be happy but grief is such a complicated journey. As we all know it’s not linear.
Skye has been such a help. Pet therapy is definitely something I believe in. She’s growing fast and already 3,7 kg! She had her last vaccination yesterday. At times it’s hard work, but the cuddles make it all worthwhile.
Well done re the run and healthy eating Helen. I’ve been sluggish and need get myself in the right mindset for healthier eating and exercise.
I think it definitely helps us mentally too.
Another weekend of football on the agenda but at least it gets us out. Skye is the team’s mascot lol!
Anyhow just wanted to check in on you all and send my love.
K xxxx
Hi Girls,
Well that’s three of us. I feel flat also. Very flat. Have also had loads of flashbacks. Mainly things that mum said to me during the last few weeks. OMG talk about crying. I have cried buckets all over again just relaying them in my head.
We are at our chalet at the moment doing loads of work after the leak. Yesterday I sat outside as it was the first sunny day we have had for ages. My mind started wandering as it does to all the times mum and I sat outside together having a cool drink and putting the world right. I could feel the tears coming and then I saw a white feather floating down in front of the bank outside our chalet. There was no bird in sight. Instantly my mood changed. I felt she was with me. Sometimes I think I am going bonkers with believing in things like white feathers and other things and when I tell people they look at me and if I am a mad crazy woman. But if nothing else yesterday it lifted my mood so if that’s all it does it’s worth believing on them.
Helen I am in awe of you in the way you have been so strong losing both your mum and dad. I know they would be so dam proud of the remarkable way you have kept going and got to this point. It’s now a time to spend recovering from your trauma and I hope little Mary will help you with that. Well I know she will.
She sounds like Skye a bundle of fun. And I bet they are the two most spoiled dogs ever with you and Kate.
Jules I hope you are getting through things okish.
How is your dad doing?
Was thinking of Paris when you mentioned it. Paul and I went there in fact twice. Went up the Eiffel Tower and saw most of the tourist sites. Loved Notre Dame and the stained glass windows. Oooh and the boat trip on the Seine. Must try to go back sometime. Anyway just want you to know I am thinking of you as you go through everything
Kate I never had dreams of mum in the beginning but the lady couple of weeks I have started having them and they are so real.When I wake I feel shaky as I could swear they were real and then if course the realisation hits me hard. Then the flashbacks are so real. Not sure what the answer is except I guess we just have to go with them and let them pass somehow. No matter how busy I try to be I still get them.
Has everything gone through with the house? I have distributed the funds to my sister and brother and just keep money to pay the capital gains tax which apparently has to be paid within 60 days. Once that is done I will feel much better. I just wish mum were here so I could tell her I got the asking price for her house. She would be so chuffed.Maybe she knows though. I like to think she can see everything that is going on. Your mum would be so proud of the way you have coped with her house sale especially after it’s in another country.
When you look back girls we have got through so much and done such a lot. How did we get through it though. Not that we have got through it but got to this point in time is what I am trying to say .
Let’s get through April and not look any further. One step or one month at a time. Enjoy the football Kate x
Gill how are you getting on? Hope you are ok.Have you Bern out walking lately? I expect you will now that the weather is getting better. I am going to try to get out and about exploring the local beaches that tourists don’t know about and walking on them. Done go on for miles and I can walk over the cliffs to each one. The Pembrokeshire coastal path is superb to view different beaches even if some are unaccessible. Our nearest beach is 10 mins away in the car.
We are so lucky and spoilt for choice with long stretches of sand ,plenty of room with not many people on them and pools that have the most amazing starfish in them. Will have to send some photos when I go there next.
Well girls have a good weekend. Keep going. Keep posting and keep remembering I am here for you all anytime ok x
Love to you all and your families
Deborah x
Hi girls, feeling a bit better. I managed to get quite a bit of the garden sorted yesterday. Tom was building a shed from scratch but was keeping out of my way as I’ve been in ‘bitch mode’ quite a bit this last week. After yesterday being outdoors I am feeling better so hopefully a bit more pleasant to live with. I’m going to mum and dad’s house later to pick some paperwork up. I haven’t been there for a few weeks as I end up crying. It might do me good to have a good proper cry. That’s probably what has been brewing this week.
Kate, big game in your house today?! We got through to the FA cup final beating Chelsea yesterday. I’m still thinking it will be another Manchester derby FA cup final. That’s adorable that Skye is the team mascot. What colours do they play in? I’ll make her a little neckerchief to wear. She’s part of the family now and seems to have settled so well. Hard work but so worth it.
Deborah, I think the feather was your mum. if I get a sign I used to try and think of another reason for it. Now though I just go with it and think ‘yes, that’s you mum’ If it gives us comfort so be it. Most people believe in signs. For me I had some unexplained white feathers early on that actually stopped me in my tracks as no explanation how they could get there. My friend believes in robins. I must tell you, our last family get together with dad and all us siblings was in the Lake District just before Christmas. We’d all gone outside for a few photos but when we were walking back to the cafe there was a robin in a tree outside. It didn’t move and let us get really close. It was just sat there for the whole time singing its little heart out. Exactly 2 weeks later dad was gone! I’m now wondering if it was mum come to join us all. Maybe one last time with us all together. I like to think that. It gives me some comfort. I hope the chalet will be a place of peace and refuge for you once it’s done. It looks wonderful with those beautiful views.
Off to get ready for church now which is still giving me comfort and hope.
May we all feel a bit lighter in this coming week. Jules we are thinking of you a lot.
Sending you all my love Hxxx
Hi All, apologies for the silence from my end. Sounds like the better weather is letting folk get out and about more. Funnily enough, I’ve always struggled with the start of better weather. It can feel a bit lonely if I’ve no one to share it with, but that’s normal for me to spend time alone, just need to get used to not having mum to talk to as well. Been getting ready for going away in May, have a trip planned to Greece and then Australia with Dad to see my brother. Am actually a bit overwhelmed with it all, so getting ready has amounted to… buying a lot of stuff and hacking off the ends of my hair because it was growing too long and I can’t face a hair appointment. Might try and get one this week to tidy up the ends. It looks ok, but won’t grow in right. Mum’s headstone is finally ready and the funeral directors say it will be up at the beginning of next week. Am hoping to go home and see it in place before I go away, as we’ll not be here on the anniversary of her death. We’ll be in Australia with my brother. Actually I think she will be there with us too, as I feel in my heart she felt so limited with her body in this life before she passed, that maybe it has allowed her to go to where she is most needed. I think if Mum is anywhere she is with my brother and his wee boy, and the next one arriving soon. I miss her so much, and it will be good to have her grave looking nicer, a bit more welcoming and we will have a vase thing on the headstone plinth to put flowers in as well as the funnels we use just now. Anyway, good to hear how you are all getting on. Take care all and speak soon. Thanks, Gill xxxx
Hiya Gill,
Wow you have some lovely holidays to look forward to. It will be lovely for you to be together with your family and for sure your mum will be with you. I am positive you will feel her presence.
I have a lot going on at the moment with having my decking and fence renewed, Glyns flat going through, minor op next week and sorting our chalet whilst the weather is good. When I get through all this I am going to plan a holiday somewhere maybe Sept or Oct time which will be lovely.
I know what you mean about teh weather. We all have been looking forward to seeing some sunshine after the winter months but when we do it reminds us of times gone by and what we used to do with loved ones. I agree it can be a sad and lonely time.
Snap I am going to have my hair cut on Wednesday after what seems ages. I keep putting it off but I just go from looking a little awful to a hell of a lot awful so I am off to sort myself out. I think I shall dye the grey before I go. And I am going to ask for something different this time. I am sure the hairdresser will faint as I am always saying next time she can do something different.
Have you been out and about walking recently?
Sending love
Deb x
Helen I remember those photos at your last family gathering and I was convinced at the time that the robin was your mum! Now even more so! Maybe she was coming back as you say for one more gathering as a family! I really believe in robins and mum did too. She saw one here in the garden some time before she passed but I can’t remember exactly when and she said “there’s dad come to say hello!”
She also told my cousin she would come back as a bird apparently.
I’ve been hoping to see a robin and even put up a little bird house with feed some months back but I’ve never seen one yet.
The colours of Alex’s team are sky blue and white stripes very similar to City lol. It would be lovely to have a little neckerchief for Skye.
Deborah, I have to get the capital gains paid, but I’m a bit concerned that I will be taxed here too as I’m a taxpayer so I’m trying to make enquiries. I normally don’t pay tax in the Uk… it’s so confusing! My situation is a bit different so it’s more difficult to get the correct information.
Hope your work on the chalet is going well.
It’s so cold and windy and rainy here, what a change from last week.
Anyhow hope you all have a good week.
Love K xxxx
Hi Gill
Good to hear from you! I think it’s great you have some trips planned. The anniversary is difficult so being with family in Australia will be comforting for you I think. Also a complete change of scenery.
I agree with what you say about your mum. Mum too was getting more and more frail and had a miriade of health issues to deal with. I think she was called to wear her angel wings because it was all becoming too much for her to endure . As much as I would love her to have stayed longer with me, in a way I’m thankful that she was taken before she got worse. She still had her dignity and had a pretty good quality of life. In my more positive moments, I’m grateful that she is no longer suffering with her health wherever she is. That brings me comfort.
Hiya,
Just a quick message. Kate you don’t pay capital gains tax as my mum’s house was under the threshold for inheritance tax so you pay inheritance tax. That’s what I was told anyway.
It’s so complicated. I have to pay capital gains tax within 60 days of the house completion date.
Once I get this bit sorted I will have a load of my mind.
Am liaising with the accountant about it so will be glad when it’s done.
Love to everyone
Deborah x
Hi Deborah
Mum’s house was also under inheritance tax threshold so CGT must be paid. The fact that I’m not a UK resident nor taxpayer is irrelevant apparently. The hard part is trying to find an accountant from here to take on my case. I could probably do the online self assessment myself as I did the probate too but I don’t want to risk it. I’ll be glad when this bit is done.
K xx
Hi Kate,
I have got an accountant doing it for me. I messed up when I did the probate as I just estimated the value based on similar houses in the same area. As it went for higher I now have a large capital gains to pay. £15k estimated. Ouch!!!.
The accountant is trying to get this down for me so I have had the house revalued at the date mum passed.
Luckily the estate agent wrote me a letter.So I am waiting to hear what the accountant can do.
Here’s what I found you can claim for additional to what they tell you.
Cost of probate.
Cost of energy assessment.
Also bec your mum’s house sold in the tax year 2023 to 24 you have an exemption from the Gov for £6 k. So all these can be deducted from the gain. The gain is the difference between the value of the house at the time of your mum’s death and the sake price. I am sure you know all this but thought I would mention it. I don’t know any more than this as this is the stage I am at with it all.
Just know I have 60 days to pay the capital gains tax.
I looked on HMRC and the online process is fairly straightforward but I know it’s different for you being abroad. I tried phoning HMRC .Don’t bother!!! It’s just a helpline then they say no one is available.Tried three times.
Can you find an accountant in UK to deal with it for you ?
I will wait to see this week how mine gets on then send you his details.
Deborah x
Hi girls (and any boys on here!) how well we are all doing, pushing forward. Gill, a trip to Australia sounds wonderful. I hope you have a lovely time and feel close to your mum
Kate, you are so right about how grief evolves. The initial shock subsides but then it changes into a deeper sadness. It keeps on changing. Before mum died she said ‘when we lose our mums you feel sadness for a while but after time you start to smile at the memories when you think of them’ Mum was trying to guide me. I can’t imagine the sadness will ever go but it was getting easier as time went by, until I was back to square one losing dad. I am picking myself up. It does change though as at first I wanted to go to their house everyday. It gave me comfort. Now I really don’t like being there. My sister has left some documents I need to sign and I went to collect them yesterday. I haven’t been for weeks and was so anxious that I left just picking up normal post to sort through and forgot the documents I went for. That’s a big change from how I felt initially at the house. It makes me anxious now whereas at the beginning it gave me comfort.
Deborah, I’m excited for you having the chalet to go to. It will be a place of solace and calm for you I’m sure. With all the improvements it will be even better than it was before the flood.
Thinking of you Jules. Hope things are okay with your dad and you’re managing.
Lots of love to you all Hxxx
Hiya Helen and everyone,
I agree Helen going to my mums house was so comforting in the beginning . Well for the whole time up until I started to remove furniture. Then I realised seeing empty bedroom , cupboards and dressers that it was mum who made the house a home and once I started chipping away taking more things from there it became more and more colder and it actually became more upsetting going there seeing her lovely house dismantled. I think its got to be the worst thing I have ever experienced other than mum passing. I didnt want the house to sell but once it did and completion day came I was I am ashamed to say it relieved in a way. Words I never thought I would ever say.
Its been a couple of weeks now and what I am finding now or feeling is tremendous sadness that I have no relative left in my home town. If we travel anywhere we have to go through my home town as there is no other way to get anywhere. It hits me the moment we start getting nearer and I keep looking back when we leave the town. I havent been back to the shops there at all or to see neighbours. It’s too upsetting. I hope there will come a time when I am able to do so.
Yes the chalet will be lovely when its finished but we are taking our time with the work as its relentless. You are all welcome to use it when its completed.
Last week when we were there we stripped old wallpaper and underneath written on the walls were our names dated 35 years ago including mums name. We all must have written them when we first bought teh chalet. So the tears started remembering the fun we had at the time.
Helen my mum said a few things also before she passed. She said this will be the last holiday I will go on and that she wouldn’t be here when Glyn gets married but she would be looking down on us all. I remember laughing it all off saying don’t be silly mum you have loads of years left yet. I often wonder was she preparing me for something because she told me those things 2 weeks before she started being ill.
Hope everyone else is doing okish
Love
Deborah x
Hope you are all ok. Girls I agree with you about going to the house. For me it was just too much being there without mum. It just felt wrong. I too am relieved to have sold the house and I’m quite curious to see what the council will do with it development wise. My cousin said she’d keep an eye out.
Thanks for your advice Deborah regarding the CGT. I had all that information and luckily the sale went through before the allowance went down to 3k. I found an accountant based in Chester who will do it, even though it’s pretty straightforward and I could probably do it myself, it seems much easier than the probate application which I did. He will charge £395. Is that more or less in line with yours? The estate agent I asked for the valuation for probate said to keep the probate estimate low, now I know that was very wrong. He undervalued it by 20k then it was sold for an extra 10k so of course that means more CGT. I’m bloody glad I didn’t use him for the house sale!!!
Helen, be very careful with the probate valuation of the house. It shouldn’t be too low, but a realistic market value.
You are so right Helen regarding your grief journey. You were doing so well and gradually healing then you lost your dad, but you will heal this time too lovely. Think just how strong you have been, we all have.
Deborah I can imagine how you feel about going through your home town and all the memories.
Luckily Gloucester is in another country, it felt so strange being there in February. It just wasn’t the same. So many memories. Hopefully in time I will be able to go back without the painful feeling, and just remember the good times.
I definitely want to go back. I love my hometown and England as a whole.
Today we are all off work/school as it’s a bank holiday. 25th April is the festival of the republic.
My mind goes back to 2 years ago today with mum when we took Alex to the National Football museum in Florence and we had a nice day out. 5 years ago we all went on a mini break in Tuscany. I remember that time mum wasn’t too well with her chest ( her heart failure was diagnosed not long after when she got back to Uk) and she told me on that holiday that she’d dreamt of her mum who died 40 years earlier, who told her to go to the doctors. Almost like my gran was looking out for her from up there.
Hope you are managing Jules and Gill. Thinking of everyone on this journey.
We have a football fixture again today… so I’ll sign off for now.
Love to you all my friends. Keep posting!
K xxxxx
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