Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

[Kate111]

I found this online and found it just hit the spot with how I feel:

“Guilt is surely one of the most overriding feelings of grief we experience. We torture ourselves with what we could have done differently. We play the scenes of our lives over and over again, and struggle to recall whatever our last conversation was before the tragedy occurred- how causal or trite it may seem now- why couldn’t we have expressed our love, said a meaningful goodbye? We judge ourselves harshly, see our faults and magnify them- why weren’t we kinder, more generous with our time or attention, and on and on… We make endless lists of what we could have done but didn’t do. We beg for just a moment more to love, to change, to make it different, or even for history to rewrite itself, for us to be taken in that person’s place. But instead, we are left with the terrible realization that nothing we can do will change what happened and we must learn to live with it. Her at this point, we cannot- we don’t know how.”

Guilt will be a part of your grief, apart you must come to terms with. Guilt is often so intense, it will overwhelm you. It is a natural reaction to hold yourself accountable. But at some point, you will need to realize that guilt is a feeling, not a reality.

While it is extraordinarily difficult to break away from guilt, listening to what questions it raises will help you to sort your feelings from the truth.

One way to do this is to ask yourself these questions, either in your journal, where you have been writing your story, or even aloud to yourself. Attend to yourself self- accusations and acknowledge, “Yes, this is what I am feeling,” and then ask yourself, “But what is the reality?” Chances are, you already know the answers. You just need to listen to them too.

Try this exercise:

My guilt “feeling” is (complete the following statements):

I should/shouldn’t have…
If only I had…
Why did I…
Why didn’t I…
Why did I let_______ happen?

Now change it to this. The reality is:

I did what I thought was best.
I didn’t know.
I can’t change what happened.
I did the best I could.

From an excellent book which I recommend to many who have lost a loved one tragically:

“A Grief Like No Other, Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love”
by Kathleen O’Hara

Kathleen is a therapist and tragically lost her college-age son, Aaron, who was brutally murdered on Memorial Day 1999. In the aftermath of his death she developed the seven-stage journey thay is the heart of this book. This book offers concrete, practical and compassionate steps for those grieving. Highly recommend this book.

[seychelles]

Hiya everyone,
Kate that amount from the accountant is right. I too sold just before the allowance was reduced to £3k and thank goodness for that. I agree with you for Helen to get a realistic valuation. Estate agents can value it Helen so don’t be like me and estimate it yourself because it could sell for much higher then theres more Capital Gains to pay.
OMG Kate thank you for posting the words about guilt. I am actually in tears because guilt has raged me since mum passed and more so lately. I think it always will especially phoning 999 and her being taken into hospital. I will never get over that.
Its such a tough emotion to deal with.
I am busy here with having my decking in the garden renewed. So deliveries of wood and the carpenter here is giving me a focus for a week or so. It helps in my grief journey.
Keep going everyone
Deborah x

[seychelles]

Hi Kate,
Bit of news about my Capital Gains tax. Because I estimated the value when mum passed it was far too low. So the accountant asked me to ask the estate agent to value it at the time she passed and he put it £40k more. So I paid £150 for a valuation letter and teh accountants is using teh new valuation figure It brings the capital gains tax payable from £18k to £2800. Just thought I would let you know there is a way round it. HMRC may enquire about it but for now i am just submitting the revaluation figure
Hope this helps you
Deborah x

[Helen51]

Hi girls, I guess we are all still feeling flat. The guilt is terrible but I am quite good at rationalising those feelings. I think I already do a lot of those suggestions. Our mums felt the love we had for them deeply as did we. I just tell myself, our parents were always going to leave us, it’s just the way it is. I still cry a lot but being pragmatic about it seems to pull me out of the hole. Sometimes I imagine what I would do if mum and dad came back but then I get upset knowing I’d have to go through this again so it just makes me want to keep pushing forward. I still struggle to find much joy in anything but I’m sure in time more happiness will seep in.
My sister is dealing with the probate but I will definitely make sure the valuation is an accurate market value. It all seems so clinical doesn’t it? Everything mum and dad worked so hard for in those walls. Even though I don’t like going anymore, I feel too sad to let it go. We are actually thinking of buying my siblings out and keeping the house as a rental. It’s only a small house but a nice 2 bed semi. It will be a while yet so I’ll see how I feel at the time.
Hope you’ve all had a good week. Weather is warming up here next week so that might boost my mood a bit. Then off to the states on 13th May. Then I need to arrange some visits to you Kate and Deborah. Some nice things planned. Enjoy your weekend.
Lots of love Hxxx

[seychelles]

Hiya Helen,
That’s a wonderful idea to maybe keep the house as a rental. I wish I had now but I am in my 60’s and if I had been younger I would have. You are going through all the feelings Kate and I have been through. What a bond we share girls !
Yes when you come back lets sort something and see what we can organise. Jules , Gill and anyone else you too are all welcome to join us. We will need a magic carpet to fly over to see Kate but I am sure we will find one lol.
Kate I will message you tomorrow about Capital Gains Tax. It’s the main topic of my stress at the moment and after today I can give you more info.
Will post more tom girls as its late now
Love
Deborah x

[seychelles]

Have a good weekend girls. Thinking of you all x
We have almost got through April so pats on the back all round !
I am now on my 2nd anniversaries. How did that happen? Mums birthday on May 3rd. She would have been 91 bless her.
Thank you all for always being there for me and for keeping our friendships going.
Love Deborah x

[Kate111]

Thanks Deborah any CG T advice is welcome as it’s such a minefield!
Just got in after an all day tournament and it’s late and I am very tired and freezing to the bones, but will message tomorrow.
Love to all K xxxx

[Kate111]

Hi Girls

How are you all?
I have been so busy these past few days.
Helen, it could be a good idea regarding the rental of the house. If I lived nearer I would have considered renting too. I expect you are really looking forward to your trip to the States?
It seems so strange that the house is sold and that I have no anchor in Gloucester any more.
Have been dreaming of mum I think some nights but I can’t always remember them, but I still get some comfort from those dreams.
Deborah have you done the CGT now? How is the chalet work going?

Tomorrow we are off for the bank holiday but it’s due to rain cats and dogs all day! Typical! Oh well at least we can have a lie in and recharge.
Hugs to everyone.
K xxxx

[Kate111]

[seychelles]

Hiya Kate,
I am still on the case with the CGT
Been in hosp having an op today so couldn’t sort it today.
But I have more news about it for you.
I sent all proof of my income and apparently it isn’t worked out on my income.
Executors pay 28% on the win. That is after everything is deducted.
I had an email to say they are using the new valuation from estate agent at time mum passed and not what I estimated.
My bill should be approx £2500 which is brilliant. Mine has to be paid by May 26th.
When I put my details into the HMRC website and did my own calculations it asked for my income details so to say I am confused is an understatement. I informed the accountant who insisted it didn’t . The more I emailed the accountant the more I got charged . It started causing me a lot of stress so I have just left it to them and the figure sounds ok to me. I just want to get it sorted so it’s over with and the HMRC figure was more like £13k based on my estimation of the value. So letting the accountant carry on is making it more accountable bro them as my advisers.
Pm me your email address and tom when I get the calculation from them I will send it to you in case it helps you.
I also had to set up a self assessment property tax account for CGT and give permission online for the accountants to act for me
To do this you have to make a Gateway account You can do this online but they send you the password via post which takes days so you may need to do this asap.The accountant can’t do it for you. But they need access to it once you set it up.
Hell I hope this all makes sense as it’s daunting band so confusing
Debx

[seychelles]

Hello girls,
Well we made it through April so well done everyone. May next !!!
I have been busy trying to wrap up mum’s estate and finalised everything like capital gains tax which has driven me crazy and been so far the most stressful thing to do.
For me doing it nothing has gone to plan even though the guidelines have been so straightforward to work through. In reality it’s been confusing complicated and has forever changed along the way. I am not quite finished with it . Still on the case
I have been busy in my garden getting a new decking done or rather having my old one redone .
I have started to focus more on my own wellbeing and have made appointments for all sorts of checks. I have let myself slip and feel now is the time to start putting my health first This is a big change as when mum was here I always put her first and my own appointments were very often cancelled. Once she passed I cancelled them again bec I simply didn’t care about myself any more.
It’s time I started looking after myself more so have started anyway.I bought a new dress yesterday and had my hair done. I know it sounds pathetic to lots of people but it’s only now I can honestly feel I am able to think like this. I am not over mum at all and can’t see a time when I will ever be near thinking like that but I just realised how awful I looked and how old I looked and I wanted to change how I felt a little. I am devoting May to ME anyway. I need to get stronger in so many ways.
Have you all got any plans for May.
What did your mum’s like doing at this time of year?.
My mum used to love buying plants for the garden at this time of year. Loved going to look around garden centres with her trolley and loading it up with all sorts of bedding plants. So many in the car I could hardly drive home
She loved Cosmos plants. Don’t ask me why but she loved them. I always had the job of planting them in her tubs when we arrived home.
She also loved going to m and S to see what the summer fashion would be.
Always loved the clothes there especially the trousers with elasticated backs. She used to make me laugh she had so many pairs. They are wait for it about the only things I did not keep to wear myself.
We would spend ages in the food hall too as she thought their potatoes were the best in the world. So funny bless her.
She even converted me into buying them which I still do.
My mum didn’t have much money and had a very thriftful life but knew nice things when she saw them. And it’s only now she has gone I realise exactly what wonderful taste she had in so many things.
Did your mum’s like m and S girls or did they have another favourite shop ?
Another favourite shop for my mum was Tesco. She would buy from other supermarkets but always said there were things she could only get in Tesco despite them being more expensive. I tried my best to persuade her to think otherwise but failed miserably.
Let’s talk about our mum’s more if you feel up to it girls. No one talks about my mum anymore. Not sure why. Maybe they think it upsets me but they couldn’t be more wrong. I love talking about her.
It upsets me more than people don’t. Isn’t it strange how our minds work.
Anyway hope you are all okish.
Here’s to getting through May ok.
Love to everyone
Cariad Mawr I pawb !!!
Deborah x

[Kate111]

Hi Girls

Hope you are ok. Deborah so much you wrote resonated with me. Mum also loved M&S! She also bought most of her clothes from there.
She adored the food hall too and her favourite was chicken and leak ready to pop in the oven. Being on her own she often used to stock up on those to keep in the freezer. I so miss going and stocking up for her. I remember the last time we all went back from Italy in Summer 2022, I hadn’t had the chance to go food shopping and so we had those from the freezer for our Sunday lunch. When we went into Gloucester or Cheltenham we always had a pit stop in the M&S food hall. Mum also shopped in Tescos which was very close to her house. I found going into those 2 shops really triggering when I was over.

My accountant in Chester is starting my CGT return this week. Hopefully all will be ok. Fingers crossed.
I’m still up and down and just feeling nostalgic a lot of the time, my mind even keeps going back to my school days, when my life was so carefree, just mum and me. Knowing that mum and the house are now gone just makes me feel like I’ve lost my anchor in life.

Anyhow hope you all have a good weekend.

Love K xxxx

[Kate111]

[Kate111]

I found this online and I feel that it’s just what our mums are saying to us from wherever they are…

[seychelles]

Aww my God Kate that really got to me I have tears as I type. Such beautiful words. Sums up everything doesn’t it.
Cant type any more Have to get a tissue x
Deborah x

[Helen51]

Aww Kate, that’s all the type of things mum was saying to me when she knew she was going to die. I can hear her sweet voice as I’m reading it I miss her and dad so much. My life feels so empty now. We were going to move house before all this and I loved showing mum and dad the potential properties. They were so enthusiastic. Our house is too big for us now, takes a lot of maintenance and cleaning! We are actually going to view a cottage on Saturday but I can’t get any enthusiasm for it. Maybe now isn’t the right time. We’ll go and have a look and see how we feel.
Sorry I’m a bit quiet on here at the moment but still very much part of the gang. I’m coping by keeping busy right now so by evening I’m done.
Kate we didn’t get FA cup final tickets this time. They’d all sold out in an hour!! I’d already booked the train so Tom said we’ll go anyway and enjoy the atmosphere in a nearby pub. Sounds okay to me
Deborah, are you feeling a bit brighter with the sunny weather? You live in a beautiful part of the world. I bet it’s stunning on the coastline right now.
I’ve just been for a lovely walk with Mary and all the buttercups are out in the fields. It looks so gorgeous and the trees have that fresh bright green that May brings. It does lift the spirits but the trouble is, it doesn’t take much to knock them down again with the grief.
Anyway hope everyone is getting out in the sunshine wherever you are. Lots of love Hxxx

[Helen51]

Hi girls, my mum loved M&S and food shopping at Sainsbury’s. Mum and dad were very kind people and would always fill an extra bag for the food bank. I only found out when I was helping pack their bags one day and was putting the wrong stuff in the bag. I can’t tell you how blessed I was to have them as parents, they were wonderful.
There was never much money when we were children so a lot of our clothes were from jumble sales or hand-me-downs. Mum said she remembers seeing a woman in M&S with an armful of pretty clothes for her kids and how mum wished she could afford nice clothes for us when we were little. As we grew up mum and dad had a bit more money and I think mum had always aspired to being able to buy stuff from M&S. she liked quality clothes.
They were never well off but comfortable in their later years. They could afford nice holidays. Mum and dad travelled all over the world together. Only 3 months before mum died they were cruising along the Norwegian fjords and the year before that touring Australia and Singapore. They’d seen more of America than my American son in law and his family! They did have a great time. Shame it was cut short for them. They are my inspiration to grab life and enjoy it. It’s too soon now but I’m determined to make something of the rest of my life.
I need to pull myself together now. I’ve cried the whole time I’ve been typing this.
Lots of love and talk about your mums as much as you like. I love to hear about them Hxxx

[seychelles]

Aww Helen you have written such beautiful heart felt words.
Dry your eyes my lovely because you are doing your mum and your dad proud.
You are such an inspiration to us on here after you have lost both your parents in a year. Your strength shows through and it gives us all strength to carry on. Your lovely for your parents shines through even at the saddest times. They did themselves proud raising you into the beautiful sweet person that you are. I feel privileged to call you my friend.
Keep going and I hope the cottage is exactly what you are looking for. It will be a fresh start and your mum and dad will guide you to make the right decisions.
Something will tell you if it’s the right or wrong place for you.
Yes we have some wonderful places here in Pembrokeshire but I just don’t feel in the mood to go anywhere. I just like studying at home. I think it’s a protective sort of feeling where I felt safe in my house. I have so many jobs to do here in the house and the garden that I have plenty to get on with anyway.
It’s almost 1 and a half years since mum passed but feels like yesterday. Am so glad I found this site and all of you.
Am off to make a make a cuppa before my years start.
Love to you all
Deborah x

[Helen51]

Aww Deborah, Thankyou for your lovely words. I’m so happy to call you my friend too. It took me by surprise when you said it’s a year and half since you lost your mum! It made me realise it’s coming up to that for me too. Wow! Where does the time go? It’s like the date for me has been boxing day when I lost dad and kind of seen the date as both of them together, but yes, nearly a year and half since I lost my mum. It’s weird how the time becomes warped.
Cried a lot last night but woke up feeling better. Ready to face a day at work then off for 2 weeks. I go to America on Monday to see my girls. Can’t wait for that.
Have a good day everyone. Lots of love Hxxx

[seychelles]

Aww Helen I know the time has flown but also stood still in so many ways.
Wow off yo see your girls. Amazing. That will be so good for you. Get through today at work which I am sure will go fast then look what you have to look forward to.
Send some photos of your trip.
Love Deborah x