Hi Kate,
Yes that’s exactly how I feel.
And another thing happened today. I paid the accountant 's bill. I realised its probably the last payment I will pay for anything from mums money. I have settled everything else. Omg it feels so strange. It’s like it’s the end of everything.
Hell I miss her so much.
Helen, Gill and Jules how are you all?
Thinking of everyone
Deborah x
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Hi girls, all so relatable. I’m realising how much of my life was entwined with mum and dad. All these secondary losses. I got back from America on Monday and it’s hit me hard that I can’t just pop round to their house for a brew and a natter. I used to have a couple of family gatherings a year, maybe one in summer and one at Christmas but it all just seems so pointless without them. I don’t see my sisters as much now and I just have a sense of life as I knew it is slipping away. I feel pretty low right now. I’ve been very weepy since I got back. Trying to keep busy.
Ouch Deborah, a broken toe?! Painful. Hope it recovers quickly. It all seems so final with the legal stuff going through. My younger sister has taken on this task and she’s just asked for some signed ID so it’s moving forward.
Me and Tom are off to Northumberland tomorrow for a couple of nights. I really don’t feel like going but will show willing and try not to be too miserable when we’re there. He booked a nice cottage so if it rains we’ll be nice and cosy. Hopefully I’ll cheer up a bit.
Keep going girls, lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Girls
Helen I hope you had a great time in USA, and sorry you are feeling down. It’s so true regarding year 2 and the secondary losses.
I can’t believe this will be the first summer in my life that I won’t be heading back to Gloucester 
I haven’t booked any holiday at all yet. Everything seems so pointless without mum. The year was always broken up with our traditional visits, mum here in Spring and Autumn and us to Gloucester in August and at Christmas. I just long for those times again.
I know it couldn’t last forever, but I never imagined such an abrupt end.
Try and have a good break with Tom.
A change of scenery is always good I feel.
How are you Deborah?
Hope you’re feeling better.
Love to everyone here.
K xxxx
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WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO A PARENT~~ I felt this 
You are suddenly living in a whole new world.
You are no longer ‘the child’ and regardless of how long you have officially been ‘grown up’ for, you realise you actually never were until this moment. The shock of this adjustment will shake your very core.
When you have finally said goodbye to both your parents, assuming you were lucky enough to have had two. You are an orphan on this earth and that never, ever gets easier to take no matter how old and grey you are yourself and no matter how many children of your own you have.
You see, a part of your body is physically connected to the people that made it and also a part of your soul. When they no longer live, it is as if you are missing something practical that you need – like a finger or an arm. Because really, you are. You are missing your parent and that is something far more necessary than any limb.
And yet the connection is so strong it carries on somehow, no-one knows how exactly. But they are there. In some way, shape or form they are still guiding you if you listen closely enough. You can hear the words they would choose to say to you.
You can feel the warmth of their approval, their smile when a goal is achieved, their all-consuming love filling the air around you when a baby is born they haven’t met.
If you watch your children very closely you will see that they too have a connection with your parents long after they are gone. They will say things that resonate with you because it brings so many memories of the parent you are missing. They will carry on traits, thoughts and sometimes they will even see them in their dreams.
This is not something we can explain.
Love is a very mystical and wondrous entity.
It is far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and grief, grief is the price of that love. The deeper the love the stronger the grief.
When you say goodbye to a parent, do not forget to connect with that little girl who still lives inside you somewhere.
Take very good care of her, for she, she will be alone and scared.
When you say goodbye to your parents, you lose an identity, a place in the world. When the people who put you on this earth are no longer here, it changes everything.
Look after yourself the way they looked after you and listen out for them when you need it the most.
They never really leave.~
~Donna Ashworth~
Thought I would share this as it’s what I and probably many of us here are feeling. X
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This definitely resonates with me right now. I’m feeling quite lost
Hiya Girls,
Sorry I havent posted but I went away for a few days and didnt use my phone as no signal, no data left on it and to be honest it was lovely to switch off from technology for a few days.
Love the poem Kate. I had one of her poems read by teh vicar at mums funeral. Will try to find it to post.
Helen its understandable to feel it hard on returning home. I can totally understand. Its very tough going.
Pointless is the word. We played the song Pointless by Lewis Capaldi at mums funeral ( as a sort of dedication from Glyn as he and mum were so close) have a listen to the words when you get a chance OMG so true !!!
I am not feeling too good at the moment. Had the toe problem but also found a lump so am back and fore to the GP about that which has caused me a lot of worry and feel I cant move my mind to anything else at the moment.
Anyway I am back on here so will post more tom
Love to you all
Deborah x
Dear Hallard,
You sound so lovely and my heart breaks for you. The loss of my mum is coming back to me since reading your post and I am reminded of how special a relationship it is between a mother and daughter. More so when you live together. So sad for both of you to have that taken way so suddenly.
There is nothing wrong with staying close to your friends for as long as you need. Maybe telling them how grateful you are for their love and support will help you say thank you to them. They sound amazing.
Keep them close and keep talking. Especially sharing memories about your mum. My friends and family love to talk about my mum. We impersonate her sometimes. She was so funny! It hurts I know but talking about her helps us all.
Sending you much love and a big hug xx
PS my wee dog has cuddled me through many a sad time since my husband passed away. Animals are healing and so I fancy getting another one!
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Hi Girls,
This is the poem that was read at mums funeral.
Sums up everything.
It Takes A Mother – Helen Steiner-Rice
It takes a mothers love to make a House a home,
A place to remember no matter where we roam.
It takes a mother’s patience to bring a child up right,
and courage and cheerfulness to make a dark day bright.
It takes a mother’s kindness to forgive us when we err,
to sympathise in trouble and bow our head in prayer.
It takes a mother’s wisdom to recognise our needs,
and to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds.
It takes a mother’s endless faith, her confidence and trust,
to guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust.
And that is why in all this world there could not be another,
who could fulfil gods purpose as completely as a mother.
Hope you are all okish.
Love Deborah x
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Oh Deborah, isn’t that the truth and how we miss them so much. Doing okayish. The bad dreams have returned but not the terrifying nightmares I had early on. Just sad, searching type dreams. I guess they are reflections of my mind right now.
I had a meeting at work yesterday and I hadn’t seen some of the others since before losing dad. They were really kind saying how sorry they were and asking how I am etc. I was fighting back tears and couldn’t really talk for fear of crying. I’ll get there. We all will. We just have to keep pushing forward.
Hope you are all doing okay and managing to find some joy in each day. Sending you all lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
I have been having dreams of mum Aldo and they are so vivid until I wake up and then I can’t remember sections of them and I frantically try to piece the dream together.
I even try going back to sleep to try to make the dream come back.
I know that feeling of when someone says they are sorry for our loss. I hate it because like you I can feel the tears coming. It’s just seconds away always.
It’s a year and a half for me now but it has only eased a little. I still get flashbacks of mum in that hospital,the guilt feelings of whether I could have done more or said more things to her etc.
I am trying to keep busy but not feeling too good at the moment with a few things. Will email you.
Keep going one day at a time.
Love Deborah xxxx
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Hi Girls
What a lovely poem Deborah. Mum always loved Helen Steiner Rice poems. 
I too have been feeling weepy. Today my capital gain tax return was sent. I don’t have to pay any tax it seems. It’s just the final step in the house sale. I was looking at the photos we did for the estate agent and felt so sad that it’s gone forever. We so loved going there every summer and Christmas and Alex especially loved playing with his goal posts that mum got him. His favourite ever present! They were falling apart at the end.
I had a real cry the other day whilst working from home. Every now and then it just needs to come out doesn’t it?
I too dream of mum but can’t recall the dreams most mornings, but I feel her presence.
Sorry you aren’t feeling too good Deborah. You should consider a puppy, they do bring so much joy and help us to live in the moment. I think pet therapy definitely exists!
I’ll send a photo of Skye. Helen very kindly sent the neckerchief she made to use at Alex’s tournaments. She’s our little mascot.
I’ll sign off for now girls.
Sending love
K xxxx
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Aww Kate they are lovely photos. You look so well .
ME get a pet!!! No chance ! Nearest I will get is a toy one lol lol. But I love yours and Helens.
Yes paying the CGT was the final invoice and I felt really sad. Well done on paying nothing. I was chuffed at just over £2k.
I still feel really unwell so got up late today. Got a cyst that is dragging me down and have had it for about 3 weeks. On top of that a broken toe so am in the wars!!!
I havent asked neighbours if there is anyone in mums house. Think its best I don’t know although I do. I still look at the photos the estate agent took and my own and feel so sad that her lovely house has gone. Having mums ashes here with me though feels she is here with us.
Looking back I don’t know how I managed to do everything and as for you well you were amazing doing everything from another country. Superwoman !!! I think we must have gone into autopilot because how on earth did we do it all.
Plus all the financial stuff.
Love Deborah x
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Hi girls,
How is everyone doing?
Am still not well but am hoping the antibiotics will work.
Enjoy the rest of Sunday
Deborah xxx
Hi all, am finally back in the UK, had a trip to Greece climbing and walking, and then to Australia to see my brother and his family. It was good to get away, even if just to come back and realise there’s no place like home! My dad is still out there, so am missing him, but he’ll be back soon. It was mum’s first anniversary on 22nd May, then of her funeral on 29th May, so struggled a bit these days with memories, and still do, maybe just a summer thing now. I am having some difficulty with feeling disconnected from everything, like am only half aware of everything going on, like a big part of me is just on autopilot. Anyway, I had a lovely dream of my mum a few nights ago, it was so normal that she was there and we were chatting just like normal, so when I woke, it was like gosh, that was special, I wish I had stayed asleep longer to be with her. Loving the photos of the wee dog, I think they bring such joy. I love feeding the birds in the garden, but worry the neighbours think am strange looking out the window all the time. But I have a group of goldfinches that come and feed, as well as noisy sparrows and a few blue tits, great tits and a coal tit. I might get a bird bath in case the weather stays dry for over long. Anyway, hoping to go home and see my mum’s headstone once dad is back from Aus. It’s up but I haven’t seen it yet, and she has no flowers. It’s a long way from here in Glasgow. Best wishes to you all. Hope summer is treating you well. xx
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Hiya Gill,
I have had a few dreams like that and have tried going back to sleep so I can remember them better but i can never get back to sleep. The dreams are so vivid.
May is remembrance month for you. Well every month is I know but the dates are in May. For me its December and Feb.
Oooh a bird bath would be lovely. I havent got one but I know people who have them and they love watching the birds using it. I wish now I had bought mum one because she spent hours watching the birds in her garden.
You need to rest after your travels.
Love Deb x
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Hi Gill,
How are you today?
Are you getting over your jet lag?
Any news about how your dad is getting on ?
Deb x
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Hi Girls
Sorry to read Deb that you are still feeling rough but hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon. We’ve had a busy week. Today I took a day off to get some errands done as I don’t seem to have time to do anything what with all Alex’s football stuff plus work and English lessons most afternoons.
School finishes for the summer on Thursday and then we are at the seaside for Alex’s final tournament of the year. I’m hoping things will wind down for a bit then. We are all exhausted lol.
Gill, good to hear from you and I’m glad you enjoyed your travels. I’ve been missing mum so much lately. Today I parked the car outside her chiropodist and walked past the hairdresser we always went to together. I just miss those times so so much. Everything is a reminder. I still tend to go over the last few days in my mind, wishing I could have realised the end was so near… but I just didn’t.
Now and again I look at our WhatsApp or messenger chats that I never (thankfully) deleted and they go back to 2015/2016. Full of our day to day chats, photos, videos and snippets of our lives. I’m so thankful for those at times. Sometimes they actually make me laugh looking over things we discussed.
I changed my phone last August and Valerio backed up all those for me. I’d be devastated to lose them. I’d hate to forget mum’s voice. I can’t remember dad’s but that was way before social media I guess.
Helen and Jules hope you are feeling ok?
Well I’ll sign off as I have to taxi Alex to his penultimate tournament this afternoon and today is a really hot one after all the rain we had in May.
Keep posting girls and love to you all!
K xxxx
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Aww Kate I know how you feel about hearing your mum’s voice. I only have one short clip of her trying to take a photo of me and it makes me laugh bec I remember her trying do many times.
Glyn has so many of her and they are wonderful to look back on Mum always told him off as he was forever filming her but I am so glad he did.
Am feeling a bit better today. The lump has gone down a lot so I feel much happier as I was worried so much it was more serious. I always think the worst now. Suppose it’s a lack of confidence in myself You need to switch off and rest. You work so hard juggling everything.
I remember the football days then the ice skating days then the playing in orchestra days and finally the beach days for photography days lol
I am now on washing days lol. Washing clothes days !!!.
Glyn’s new flat is still going through and is taking ages. It’s been 2 mths already but then we know only too well how long it all takes and the constant phone calls to solicitors.
Am glad mum’s house has sold. It has taken a load off my mind although I always wish I could pop up there.
I still haven’t found out if anyone is in there. Part of me wants to and another doesn’t
The next thing I have to do is spend the vouchers I bought mum. I have a two night hotel break and two afternoon tea vouchers They are the experience boxed ones do I can use anywhere in the UK. I really need to use them as they cost quite a bit to buy and I bought them for mum and I . I am just worried I will cry when I go bec she won’t be with me. But she would be mad with me for not using them.
How long does Alex have for the school holidays? How do you manage with your work when he is off school?
Wish I lived nearer so I could help you.
Try to rest as much as possible
Love Deb x
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Hi all, oh Deb that’s hard to think about doing things that were meant to be shared with your mum, but like you say, she would want you to keep going on, even if you have to make yourself, maybe if you feel you are doing it for her, it helps a bit. I feel like I didn’t do enough with my mum as I lived quite far away and the last few years she was going out less and less due to various health issues, so even if I was home, she wouldn’t join me out much for a walk or anything. But we always visited the shops when I was home, just to have a look at the clothes and maybe get something nice. But my heart breaks a bit each time when I think of the things we could have done together in the earlier years, but I was too taken up with myself. I miss her so much and feel recently the deep regret that I didn’t get to hug her or speak to her the day she had the stroke, I had called her on the Saturday night as usual but wanted to give her peace on the Sunday as she had seemed not herself. None of us called her that day, all of us who usually did, and I worry that she was alone with her thoughts, getting more and more stressed out. The stroke was so unexpected. I will always wish I had gone home more that year, and had even thought about going home that weekend to visit. Anyway, I must keep going on as otherwise, sometimes I think I will just stop and cry forever. Sorry, just feeling a bit sad today. It comes and goes now, some days are ok, others not great. I love reading about all your family life and things going on with you all. Take care, Gill xx
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