Hi Gill,
Sorry it’s late but I have only now read the posts on here.
You are tired after your long journey and are bound to feel extra sad in coming home with no mum to talk to.
You also live alone so unlike us you have to deal with all the he grief emotions yourself and it’s very very hard.
Give yourself some time to settle back into Scottish life and try to go out walking again bec you love that.
My family life is quite boring really. I don’t seem to do anything special like all of you. But I love reading about all your adventures along with all the girls on here.
In time I will start traveling again but right now I just want to stay home.
I will post some photos of our fence project
[Uploading: IMG_20240604_204910.jpg…](I will post a photo of my decking as it’s finished now.
The fence is a massie job and here’s what we are up against
We have to take all the old fence down then remove all the old shrubs etc and it’s approx 90 ft long so hell of a job.
Will probably still be at it at Xmas. Hope not though.
Anyway goodnight everyone. Will post again tom x
Deborah x
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Hiya how are things today with you x
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Hi Deb, that’s a big job! The decking looks amazing and so well constructed! Always think decking would be nice to be in summer to sit outside. It looks like you are quite high up? I feel a bit better today, just feel the gap of mum not being there, esp with dad still in Aus. It just throws light on my life being a bit isolated, esp with working from home. Altho this is a relief in a way too. I need to pop to the shops for more bird food. They got through 2kg in a week! Guess they might have chicks but am not sure when finches have theirs. Will go out for this this morning, can’t leave them hungry. Thanks for posting, I 'll see if i can get a photo of my wee birds. Gill xx
Hiya Gill,
Glad you are okish. My goodness the birds have eaten a lot
Yes send some photos I would love to see them
Deb x
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Hi Gill, if I can just reassure you that guilt is a normal part of grief. Everyone of us has had feeling of guilt. ‘I should have seen her more, why didn’t I do this or that, was mum trying to tell me something, could I have saved her’ The list goes on. I’ve even gone back to 4 years before mum died and I was short with her. It’s our minds trying to process the shock of what has happened. The fact is we were all just living out normal lives. We didn’t see it coming.
I did get 8 days warning that mum was going to die but 11 months later I lost dad suddenly from cardiac arrest. I’d taken him to hospital and they were treating him for chest infection. I thought he was okay so left him and went home (luckily the last things we said to each other were ‘I love you’) 5 hours later he had a cardiac arrest and died. For a while I was like ‘why did I leave him? Did he feel all alone? Was he calling for me? Why didn’t I make him go to the doctors before?’ I’m okay now although these thoughts do try and creep in.
Please don’t beat yourself up. You loved your mum and she knew it. Even if you didn’t say it all the time the love was there. That’s all that matters in the end, the love. Hxxx
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Thank you Helen, that’s really helpful, these thoughts and feelings do come and go a lot, I try and keep busy to avoid them creeping into my head, but they do sometimes when am at a low point. There was a lot of love there between us, and although we didn’t do many things together, (despite talking about it!) the support and conversations was always there, I just loved sitting in the conservatory on a nice day, chatting with her, discussing anything and everything, having a real heart to heart. She just knew me so well. I miss seeing them both waving me off when I’m driving away after being home for a while. There was always both of them there, but now dad on his own. It must have been an awful shock to lose your so dad suddenly as well and after such a short illness too. It’s so hard to process and like you say, maybe that’s when the feelings of guilt step in. Thanks again Helen and hoping you have a good end to the week. Gill xx
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Hi Girls hope you are all fine.
Helen I agree with all you say. Gill, it’s true that guilt and grief go hand in hand. Still after 20 months I mind play the last days and beat myself up that I didn’t realise mum was fading. She wasn’t great but also not that poorly ( as I thought). How could I have known realistically? As you say Helen, the love is all that counts and I hope she knew how much she meant to us all. I too just feel like I have a hole in my heart and life now. I keep thinking back on the last year and those times when maybe she felt poorly and she said how much she loved us and to be happy always. That’s what keeps me going imagining her saying that to me from up there.
It’s typical that when a parent dies the family tend to fall apart a little, but knowing how close you are to your sisters I’m sure you will make time to meet up more. Parents are our family glue aren’t they? Being an only child I feel even more alone now having no one to share this grief with. I also agree that keeping busy helps and it’s when I’m alone that I really feel low and miss mum. Skye has helped to keep me even more busy let’s say.
I’m trying to push forward because mum wants me to be happy I know, all our mums do.
Deb the decking looks good and I’m sure that concentrating on the job will keep you busy.
We’ve nearly arrived at the seaside for the tournament now so I’ll sign off here and wish you all a pleasant weekend.
Love and hugs,
K xxxxx
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Hi Kate,
Lovely to hear from you.
I agree about teh family falling apart. I know i did at the beginning with my brother and sister because I couldnt let go of the fact that they hardly visited and went home straight after the funeral within an hour as far as my sister was concerned and my brother the next morning. I built up a lot of anger towards them and couldn’t move from it. On top of that to this day neither have been down to help me with anything. I said something trivial to my sister at teh time and she didnt contact me until i was selling mums house and then of course they both got in touch again.
On reflection mum would have hated us to not get on as she was so humble kind and quiet. So I have had to be very careful what I say as its just not worth arguments. Everything is fine now so i feel proud of myself now as where would it have got me except not speaking.
Life is too short for all sorts of things and arguments are one of the.
Yes I agree about thinking back and the guilt. You all know what my guilt is. Phoning 999 and the ambulance taking mum into hosp. I know i did or thought I did teh right thing at teh time and keep telling myself that but it still doesnt make it any easier.
Enjoy your tournament and weekend
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Love to you all
Deborah x
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Hi girls, it’s true about the family becoming more fragmented (am scared to say falling apart) but yes, it seems less solid now without mum and herbringing a strong sense of home. I do feel this is something I hold on to maybe more than my brother and dad as men just don’t operate the same way,they seem to see the world more as individuals or something. It’s something I feel has been lost along with Mum. It’s hard but early days maybe. It’s awful cold herein Scotland,not like June at all! G xxx
Hi Girls
How are you all? Have had busy weekend; the kids came second in the football tournament out of 12 teams so not bad. Yesterday I worked, then Alex had his second dose of the Hpv vaccine then I had to dash to school to go over his end of school report with his teachers, then on to his team’s end of year party which was fun for all.
We will start winding down now after these last few hectic months.
My ex sent me a few pics he found of mum and I whilst moving house and this one of mum and I at my cousin’s wedding in 2004 brought a lump to my throat. 
Thinking of you all.
K xxxx
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Aww Kate what a fab photo of the two of you. Both of you look so smart and happy. Look at you holding hands. That is priceless. You can honestly touch the bond between you even when i just look at the photo. Look at teh way she is looking at you. Aww so so lovely.
Am not doing so good health wise lately. Having all sorts of things wrong with me over teh past month. Its been one thing after another. Had a blood test last Monday and if they find anything I will get a phone call. Anyway guess what there was the surgery number on my phone. No voice mail so I am worried sick now. Will phone in the morning. Am dreading whatever they have found. I just knew they would find something as havent been well for weeks.
Another bit of bad news today. Glyn had to withdraw from his flat purchase today. Solicitor found too many major problems with all sorts so he had no choice really. Too many massive red flags. So the hunt is on again to look for a suitable flat for him. We are all gutted but its for the best as otherwise we or rather he would be in serious trouble down the line.
Just feel fed up at the moment but Kate your photo has cheered me up.
Love to everyone
Deborah x
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Aww Deborah I’m sorry you aren’t feeling any better. Try to stay positive because you have probably been very run down lately and I remember you suffer with your glands when that happens. I wish I lived nearer to offer more support, but know that I’m thinking of you.
Keeping my fingers crossed and sending lots of love and hugs.
K xxxx
Hiya,
Thanks Kate,
Can’t get an appointment to see the doc until tom afternoon so will at least get seen before the weekend.
Not feeling well at all today so staying in bed.
Deborah x
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Hi all, that’s a beautiful photograph Kate, really special. I really wish we printed more photos out now as they are so lovely to look at and hold in your hand, very special things. It’s maybe an idea to get some printed out of my mum as she has some lovely ones of her as a young girl. I have one on my kindle that comes up when I log in, it’s my favourite of her. So sorry to hear Glynn’s flat didn’t go through Debs, that’s rotten luck, but like you say maybe better than running into problems further down the line. That’s good the solicitors are looking out for issues. Sometimes they don’t really bother! Hopefully he will find the right thing soon. Just wondered, is it expensive to rent there? I rented for a few years after having a bit of a nightmare with my first flat purchase. After that experience it was a relief to be able to walk away if there were any problems. It took a few years for me to be brave enough to buy again. It’s grey and rainy here today in Glasgow, where is June hiding?! Love, Gill xxx
Hiya Gill
Kate’s photo made me think of looking for some of mum. I am not sure if we had many taken just the trousers of us though I wish I did
Glyn is viewing another flat tom. But there are 5 viewing tom and it only came onto the market last Tuesday. I think estate agents allocate a day for viewings at the same property. I told him.
if he likes it offer the asking price as otherwise it will be gone
Yes there’s flats available to rent I am sure but Cardiff is a busy place and everyone seems me s to want to go there to live especially young people for work, social life,lifestyle etc . Rents for a decent area are approx £2000 a month for a two bedroom which he would have to have with all his equipment. But even then he wouldn’t be able to rent as when applying for a mortgage it counts as an outgoing as he is self employed so it would drastically reduce the amount of mortgage they would give him. So it’s a no win situation. He depends that on hotels a month so it is the same but at least it will not affect his mortgage application. But mentally it’s taking its toil on him.
I am at this moment looking for apartments for him and it’s so unbelievable now fast they sell once advertised.
Am seeing the doc tom at 4 pm for the blood test results so another wait until then. Not feeling at all well so am in bed. Just so tired and swollen glands and neck on one side.
How have you been since coming back from holiday?
Takes a while to adjust to being home I guess after such a long journey.
Hope everything is okish with everyone x
Deborah x
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I love this photo Kate. You can see the bond you have. Just lovely xxx
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Hi Deborah, sorry to hear you’re having health issues and then to top it off, Glyn’s flat!? Sometimes life just throws everything at us at once. Hope you get some answers to put your mind at ease. Hxxx
Thanks Helen,
I will have the results tom so will go from there.
Glyn is viewing another lovely flat tomorrow so fingers crossed
Hope you are going okish
Sending love
Deborah xx
Hi everyone, I’ve been a bit quiet on here this week but it’s because I’m keeping myself so busy. I’ve actually got a bit overwhelmed with it but it has been a coping mechanism. I have to do a portfolio every 3 years to keep my nursing registration, so that’s on my mind. All registered nurses have to this and we all moan about it! It’s a large folder full of things like written reflections, proof of training, feedback etc. it’s a pain but the sooner I get it done the sooner it’s off my mind. I need to set a couple of days aside to do this. Just don’t have the drive to do it. But I will.
I’ve been off today so have made my hanging baskets but it started raining so my pots will save for another day. It’s been so cold too. I think Saturday is forecast highs of 14°! Mid June?
My work schedule changed when I went back after losing dad. I’m working different days at different clinics which has really unsettled me. This has had a negative impact on my mood for a while. Anyway, good news, I’ve managed to secure fixed days at the same clinic starting in October. Can’t wait. This will mean I can plan my weeks as I’ll know what days im working all the time. The clinic is about 10/15 minute drive from home so I will be able to nip home at lunchtime to let Mary out 
It’s getting late now and I’m getting tired so I’ll say night-night. Lots of love to you all Hxxx
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) we had a long chat and will all make more effort to see each other. I’ve just been so out of sorts but feeling more positive now.
it was fun