Great pics Kate. Isn’t Austria so beautiful. Little Skye looks like she’s growing up. She’s so cute 
I love how much joy dogs bring. Everyday when I take Mary out, I guarantee she makes me smile.
How are you Deborah? Hope you’re still feeling better. You’ve had such a rough time.
Hope everyone else is doing okay.
I’m still feeling quite flat but no meltdowns since my night drive! 
I’d say I’m just ‘okay’ it will be mums 80th birthday on 2nd September and we were starting to think of a few ideas how to celebrate. Sadly it wasn’t to be. Poor mum never made it. Might just get together with my sisters on that day to mark the occasion. I was hoping to have a family summer get together but just haven’t felt up to it. I’m hoping to move forward once the house is sold. The probate is still going through. I think it will sell quite quickly as it’s a nice little street in a good area. That will be so hard but I feel I need to do it. Maybe it was for the best we couldn’t afford to buy it. With 3 siblings, it was 3/4 of the value to find. It was higher than we thought. I’m coming to terms with letting the house go now. My elder sister just wants it gone. It’s funny how differently we all react isn’t it?
Bye for now and lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen and Everyone,
Aww I know how you feel because my mum almost made her 90th. She always used to say she just wanted to reach 90 and i used to tell her not to say that as i had heard of so many people that had passed away just after reaching it. So she never mentioned it again. And that’s how it all panned out. She passed before not after her 90th. I was going to do a family do here in my garden but it was a few months after mum passed and I just couldn’t. Wasn’t strong enough.
And looking back now I am glad.
My sister is coming down again the beginning of Sept and is staying for a long weekend. We will take her back as I have all the things from mums house that I want her to have. Its so lovely that after almost a year of her not contacting me everything seems to be now ok. I am really glad about it as life is so short and I feel my mum got us back together somehow. We never argued as such but I let my feelings known to her about not coming down to see my mum for the last 5 weeks before she passed and she chose not to talk to me or help with the house etc.
Its all over with now and I feel for mums sake I cant let that happen again.
Anyway we shall take her back afterwards and stay in London for a week with her. It will be such a change for me to go away and mum would be thrilled.
I have my long awaited scan tomorrow morning so I hope it will be ok. The lump is still there but not as large as it was.
It was hard selling mums house too Helen but I actually felt relieved when it had sold. Not at the time but after everything had gone through. I had always worried about someone breaking into the house and if I am honest I got terribly upset every time I went there. When I was there I wanted to come home but when i got home i wanted to go straight back there. It was a crazy odd feeling of being in limbo i guess.
Gill I am so glad you had your dad to stay and managed to go out and about. I bet he had a lovely time with you.
Hope everyone else is ok.
Love to you all
Deb x
Hi Deb,
Just wanted to say good luck with your scan!
Love Lindz xx
Hiya Lindz and girls,
Just popping in to say scan was all ok. Nothing serious.Its an infected lymph gland. The fact I had had my tonsils out years ago apparently didn’t help as they would have fought the infection.
Just glad I know for definite.
Came home from the hosp and slept for hours. I think it was the relief from it all.
Hope you are all ok.
Deb x
That’s good news Deborah. I always thought it was the lymph gland.
Hopefully you can relax a bit more now.
Take care all.
K xx
Thank goodness Deb, it’s been so long you had to wait to find out, this will be a big relief! Glad you can relax and concentrate on feeling better.
Feel a bit low today, I think it comes and goes generally, but your news has brightened things a bit!
It feels like autumn is definitely here, some days I cannot move past the tears and sad feelings. I will go out and feed my birds and hopefully feel a bit better after this.
Gill xx
Hi Gill and everyone,
I was just thinking the same this morning. The air has definitely changed and it felt like Autumn. Just need the leaves to change and that’s it.
I think it’s only natural to feel low. Your dad has returned home and it hurts. The summer is ending and we are entering the bleak darker seasons .
I remember mum started to be ill in Nov and passed away late Dec. The weather was just awful.A few weeks ago I sorted my wardrobe and came across some of the clothes I wore whilst I stayed in the hospital with her. Thick jumpers and leggings as it was so cold at times as she needed the window open.
I cried my heart out so decided it was best to throw them out. The pain of seeing them let alone wearing them was so extreme I can’t even describe it.
So I am bracing myself for the changing seasons as I know anniversaries are looming and it’s going to get painful. I used to love Christmas especially when I was in school as it was always a fabulous time for the children but now I hate it. Mum loved Christmas too and would really go to town so to speak to decorate and make us such a lovely family time. I really hope some day I will learn to love it again.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
Love Deb x
Hi Girls
I agree with you, this time of the year is very triggering for me too.
The end of the summer then Autumn and mum’s 2nd year anniversary in early October. It seems unreal at times still.
I remember mum coming home with us from Uk two years ago. In mid September she seemed to be poorly / out of sorts and the rest is history.
Helen I can understand how this milestone birthday won’t be easy, maybe you could do something your mum would have enjoyed? Perhaps have a favourite meal or make a cake she loved or visit one of her favourite places or watch one of her favourite films?
Deb, I agree, I really don’t know when I will ever be able to enjoy Christmas again. Without mum it’s just not the same. First I have to tackle Autumn though.
I guess we all have our difficult times and ups and downs and the start of Autumn is one of my worst so I guess it’s a question of bracing ourselves.
Sending lots of love to everyone here. I’m so thankful we have each other for support.
Hugs,
K xxx
Aww Kate me too. I am so grateful for you all. I really am .
Been very emotional today. Just came over me all of a sudden when i heard a song someone had put on this site and listening to the words set me off. Its dark now here and I can feel the triggers of winter starting.
I think now after almost two years we are more aware of the triggers so can prepare ourselves if that’s the right word.
I am going to have to think of what I can do to help me get through it. Maybe a few nights away will help. Who knows ? I really must make more of an effort to go away.
I suppose I have got used to the safety of my house . Sounds daft but I feel safe here. Cant even believe I have written that. Its coming up to 2 years in Dec and yes I have survived so far but by no means happy without mum.
I guess its true that this is the price we pay for love. But a hell of a price !!!
Glyn s new flat hasn’t completed yet but as soon as it does I know that it will help me. I will be there in Cardiff helping him get sorted and will have a base to stay so that’s exciting. I love Cardiff with all it’s shops and theatres.
I also have a few vouchers to spend that I had bought for mum and i like hotel vouchers and afternoon tea vouchers so they expire in Dec so I need to spend them. I think that will be my focus for the next few months as mum would go mad if I didn’t use them. Even if I use them locally it will be a break for me.
Having you all makes me realise I am not going mad so girls I am so indebted to you for your friendships
Love
Deb x
Great news Deborah!! What a relief 
I feel exactly the same about Christmas Deborah. I hate it. It’s such a trigger. And New Year. I remember mum so poorly in hospital hearing the fireworks outside. Mum said ‘oh, it’s new year’s eve’ I didn’t know it then, but it was bringing in the worst year of my life. I’m planning a very low key Christmas this year mainly based around church stuff. I normally love putting the tree up, planning a fun party. Definitely not this year.
I too am feeling the change in season.Toms stepmum is needing a lot of support. She’s back at her flat but is not doing very well. I think she’s given up! Barely eating, wanting to go to bed all the time, mobility is terrible. I call in most days now. It looks like she’ll be going to a care home although my offer of her moving in with us still stands. To be honest, I don’t think she cares where she is now.
My mum didn’t have a lot of family being an only child, but she traced a second cousin who she’d started keeping in touch with. Me and my sisters went to visit him and his siblings yesterday. It was such a lovely day and we were talking about mum a lot which was so nice. It felt like she was with us. We were going through the family tree. It was a good day.
Hope everyone else is doing okay. We just have to keep going don’t we? Sending you all lots of love Hxxx
Aww Kate, 2nd anniversary looming. Can you believe we are approaching the 2 year anniversary? How far we’ve come from those early days yet we still feel empty? Glad you’ve had a good summer holiday, albeit with a muted joy. It looked wonderful. Little Skye is so cute, as is Alex of course. Such a lovely lad. How is Alex doing with all this? Still missing his gran, I’m sure. When is he back at school?
Off to get some sleep now. Night-night and god bless all of you my dear friends. Hxxx
Hi girls, still feeling a bit low, but plodding on. We had an in person meeting at work today which was welcome. I remember pre-covid, having this routine of travel in to the office and calling mum in the evening, or even sometimes during the day from a corridor just to say hello. I ended up calling her more during the day once I was working from home full time. She was more tired in the evenings since her first stroke in 2020 and I could tell she was struggling to chat for long at night. So much has changed, and like Helen says, even though we have all come so far, some days the pain of losing them is just as raw as ever. I don’t think I will ever get over that suddenly one day I was no longer able to talk to her again. I have her last text message which I am afraid of losing. I hope I can keep these forever, although reading through them can be quite hard. I wonder too what Christmas will be like this year after my meltdown last year. It was scary for my dad, but hopefully I can get through it better this year. Anyway, take care all, another week nearly over! Gill xxx
Hi Gill,
I miss phoning mum too. We used to chat about everything. When the phone rings now to be honest I don’t really care who it is because it hits home it’s not mum.
Yes the raw days are awful and when they hit they really hit.
There have been times when I have been busy doing something in the kitchen and realise I have a few spare moments and think I will just give mum a quick call. Then there’s that horrible feeling in my heart when I know I can’t. And there’s been times when i have heard some gossip and just wish she was here so I could tell her.
I cant think about Xmas this year and New Year is even worse. Maybe I will just go away on holiday and give the whole thing a miss.
I think my mum would tell me go away Deb and enjoy yourself. But it’s so hard to do. Everything will be hard no matter what I do.
Keep going everyone x
Love Deb x
Hi Girls,
How are you today? Is it still warm in Uk? It’s still mid 30s here.
Helen, Alex is ok thanks. He’s back at school on 16th September after 14 weeks off!!!.
He’s got so much holiday homework to do it’s unreal, poor kid. They really push them here. It’s too much.
He doesn’t talk about mum much, but every now and then we laugh about a random memory or saying of mum’s. He really misses her just like me.
He’s just turned 12 so the teenager attitude is coming through strongly and he’s not really a kid anymore He’s sensitive and mature for his age I am glad to say.
Skye is a godsend. She’s so loveable. Poor pooch came into heat on the day we left for Austria, but it didn’t stop her. Mountains, lakes, mammoth walks in the heat, even a day sightseeing in Munich!!!
She’s a little 
.
I’ve had a few dreams about mum, but not real visitation dreams. Just snippets when she was there.
I wish I had a dream where she told me she was fine and happy.
It’s just ups and downs isn’t it girls? We never stop missing them but we get used to living with the grief.
Hope you all have a good weekend.
Love K xxx
Hi girls, yes Gill, the pain never goes but it does lessen. Maybe the pain is the same but the other stuff goes like the panic, anxiety, sense of shock etc. I still feel gut wrenching pain if I think about what I’m missing so have developed a coping mechanism of finding something to busy myself. Sometimes I just let it in without fighting. We still need to have a good cry sometimes.
Deborah, I just know I won’t be able to do Christmas. How can the world just carry on when mum and dad aren’t in it!? I think I’ll just do the church stuff but Christmas is forever ruined. It was always my favourite time. I always had a Christmas party with fun games and bingo or a quiz with all the family. I was going to have a get together in summer but still not able to face it. I’m going to aim for bonfire night now as there’s no way I can have a Christmas party. The thought of it makes me feel anxious. We will start seeing stuff in the shops and music playing soon! 
Kate, oh what joy our pooches bring. We had Mary spayed when we got her when she was about 10 months so never had to deal with her having a season. Thank God!! 
I’m like you where I don’t see mum and dad directly in my dreams but there’s a presence. I had one recently where someone was showing me a photo of a friends wedding. It was a ‘confetti’ shot in a market square somewhere and there in the background just walking along was me, my sisters and MUM! We looked so happy. Another one was, I’d been looking after my mother in law for weeks (which I am in real life) then my elder sister had been to see my dad and I realised I hadn’t visited my dad for so long. I was angry with myself and crying so much. Saying ‘why haven’t I seen dad for ages, I miss him so much. I’ll go and visit him now’ I was so upset it woke me up and then I just felt really sad and my heart was racing. I’ve had the odd dream where I’ve woken up but tried to get back to sleep to go back to the same dream as they’ve been comforting. I think you’ve mentioned doing this before. I can’t imagine Alex as a stroppy teenager. He’s too cute. Oh, all those hormones. Not sure if Glyn was the same Deborah but around aged 13/14 my James stopped speaking properly and kind of just grunted in answer to any questions. Then if you couldn’t make sense of what he said and asked him again it would be a stroppy ‘what!?’ 
out of my son and daughter, James was definitely the easier teenager of the two. Girls are a pain. So moody. She still can be and she’s just turned 30!
It’s feeling more like autumn here. It’s been a poor summer really. I got all my outdoor seating cushions from the loft, which is a chore, and have only sat out a handful of times. I still haven’t much enthusiasm anyway so not bothered. It’s just another summer without mum and now dad. Crap isn’t it!?
Have the best week possible and keep finding some joy.
Lots of love to all Hxxx
Abdolutely Helen, distracting myself with being busy helps and is something my mum would have done herself am sure, she was always doing something to keep busy. I was away this weekend, hillwalking. It was good to be amongst other people and it wasnt too big a group. I’ll post some photos, the weather got bad yesterday so we did a shorter walk and went for coffee instead. This summer hasn’t been great here either, so much rain and chilly winds. A bit grey again today. Wee Skye must be a tonic for you Kate, I think pets are a great way of being in the present. I’m going to have a quiet day today as my legs are always so tired from walking. Gill xxx
Gill, you are a girl after my own heart! I love walking in the hills. It’s my absolute favourite thing to do. It’s good for mind, body and spirit and we are so blessed with the most glorious countryside on our doorstep. It’s worth every bit of those aching legs! 
I was going to get the train into Derbyshire yesterday but my mother in law is needing more care and I was available as Tom (my husband) is currently in the Isle of Wight. I was going to go to Edale which is my favourite place in the world. Soon I hope 
nice bath and lazy day for you today. Lots of love Hxxx
