Beautiful Gill. Is this in Scotland? Xx
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Hi Helen, yes, it’s Scotland, an area called Glen Clova, really beautiful there, I’d never been before.
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Hi Girls,
How’s everyone doing?
Gill the photos are lovely. Stunning scenery. I bet you felt so much better after being out and about walking. We have the Preseli mountains near us. In fact we went for a spin today and drove through them Didn’t do any walking though.
Helen yes I have dreams like yours often and wake up with my heart racing and it takes me a while to de-stress from them.
The feeling when you wake and realise it was a dream is beyond comprehension.
I was lucky with Glyn bec I had my mum who always sorted him out lol. She used to be his go to person if he ever got into trouble with me and she would sort both him and me lol.
What I did have though was the constant hibernation in his bedroom and sleeping until all stupid hours. And hiding his mobile under the duvet thinking I couldn’t see the light lol.
Glyn is 29 and your daughter is 30. We had them around the same time!!!
I will soon be busy with his new flat. Hasn’t gone through yet. I am dreading him moving out but God he is 29 and can’t live with his parents for ever. But guess what! He has 2 bedrooms lol !!!
So Kate enjoy your lovely teenage years with Alex. I am sure he will be a little angel like he was in Manchester. Poor thing had to put up with all our talking that evening and was so patient!!! He is a little treasure.
How are you Jules. I bet you are getting ready to go back to school and making the most of your last week or so. Kate I think you posted that Alex has 14 weeks summer hols.My goodness that’s a long time. How much does he get at Xmas and Easter? Are there half term hols also?
Lindz are you ok? Hope you are x
Thinking of you all x
Debx
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Hi Everyone
Lovely photos Gill. I’ve never been to Scotland, well mum and dad went on a road trip holiday there when she was expecting me. Mum said it was a very majestic feeling up in the highlands and that everyone was so friendly and welcoming.
I really hope to go one day and I’d love to see Edinburgh , the highlands and the Isle of Skye.
Yep Deb here the kids are off for 14 weeks in the summer…ridiculous. Originally it was due to the long hot summers, but really just July and August would be more than enough. They are therefore bombarded with so much homework it’s unreal.
They have 2 weeks off for Christmas and a week off for Easter, but there are no half terms here. I and most parents I know would prefer the British way!
It’s true girls, pets are such a tonic. I almost feel at times that Skye is a reincarnation of mum. She’s such a darling and really helps when I have my down moments. I can give her a cuddle and she’s so loving. Alex adores her too. Such unconditional love.
I too take comfort in some dreams, but I haven’t really had a visitation dream. Some days it still seems unreal that mum’s gone. It’s weird. I still count the weeks. Today marks 99 weeks since she passed. Do you count the weeks? I tend to dislike Tuesdays now.
I’m sorry you haven’t had much of a summer there. Here it’s been raining today which was a welcome change to the heat!
I’ve been working from home since starting work again last Monday as they are doing building work in our office area, so it’s been nice being at home with the family and winding down.
In a few weeks school and football will start again for Alex and then it will be back to the hectic routine!
That’s all my news for now.
Sending love to all of you.
K xxxx
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Wow Kate. 99 weeks?!! I think I remember starting chatting to you on here when it was 14 weeks and for me it was like 2 weeks or something. I remember thinking, ‘I wonder how I’ll feel at 14 weeks’ Still bloody awful! I tend to count in months. It’s 17 months for mum and 8 months for dad 
That’s really sweet that your mum and dad went to Scotland when they were expecting you. Can you imagine all the excitement for the new baby’s arrival? 🩷 So you have been to Scotland as your mum’s little passenger! 
Do go, it’s gorgeous. I’m hoping to go. Just struggling to get any enthusiasm but will pick myself up soon.
Enjoy getting back to the old routine. Lots of love Hxxx
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Oh Deborah, that took me back. Teenage boys hibernating in their bedroom. So funny to think back. It’s so exciting him getting his flat and how wonderful his beloved grandmother has helped him. I bet there’s nothing she’d prefer the money to go on. So precious. You’ll have to get him a lovey framed photo of her as a housewarming gift.
Lots of love Hxxx
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Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing ok.
The photos are lovely, Scotland is beautiful! Only been a couple of times, the Lake District is our usual place as it’s only an hour and a half away.
I’ve been quiet lately but not much to report. Still just bad days and marginally better days.
My daughter got her GCSE results last week. She did really well and is starting 6th form in September. She’s doing biology, psychology and geography. We were worried about the results because mum passed on 18th April, weeks before the exams, so the distress to her and her results was a big concern, but she worked really hard and revised for hours, for months . Her first exam was the day after the funeral, poor thing.
I saw a quote the other day which really summed up how I feel… “I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again”. This is how I feel… that I’m not myself anymore 
.
Anyway, just thought I’d say hi.
Take care.
Love Lindz xx
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Hi Lindz, How fantastic that your daughter did so well in her exams. Especially given the emotional trauma she’s had to deal with losing her grandma. You must be so proud.
The Peak District is our go-to place for country walks as it’s on our doorstep but I also love the Lake District. We are probably just an hour and half drive from the lakes too (Stockport) It does you the world of good getting outdoors.
The quote is so true. I think part of learning to accept the loss of our loved one is also accepting that we never find ourselves, as we are changed forever. The person we were before has gone. We have almost got to reinvent ourselves.
Sending you lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Girls,
Hope you are all ok.
Congrats Lindz on your daughter’s results. It’s such a worry waiting for them do now she can relax
Helen you are so right about us trying to start a new life. In the beginning I just wanted everything to be the same and to have my life carry on as it was. I still do of course but I realise it have probably accepted that it never will be. I suppose that’d the acceptance part of grief they talk about. Thinking about what my new life will be like is scary. I am stuck in a way. Lost after caring for mum for ten years etc. I feel I am just surviving with no purpose but I appreciate time will help and change that.
Looking back I have been better this past summer and done far more than the previous one so next year hopefully I will do even more.
The rift with my sister has gone and she’s coming to stay on sept 6th for a few days then we are going back with her to London for a week. She lives just outside London so it will be chang of scenery for me.
Then I have Glyn’s flat to occupy me and we are having a new bathroom in the chalet. So that will take up a few weeks.
I also need to go to Portsmouth to deliver some of mum’s things to my brother as still haven’t felt strong enough to do It.
Then it’s the anniversary of mum’s passing to deal with on Dec 30 th so starting to get my head ready for that just like you all are.
Kate those holidays are so long but at least you have nice weather there.
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Hi ,
Sorry didn’t finish before it sent.
Was just going to add that six weeks here was long enough for me.
Jules I hope you are ok. I know things are difficult for you but remember we are thinking of you and here for you.
Keep going girls. We are all doing so well.
Love Deb x
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Hello all, Thank you for thinking of me. Have been enjoying the 6 week break and back to work on Monday.! Have really enjoyed the holidays and realise just how much Social Work took from me. I think I was beginning to burn out and it took losing Mum for me to realise I needed to leave a job which took so much. I will never forgot some of the wonderful families and children I worked with but the trauma of some of the things I saw will sit with me forever. Managed to get away to Fuertuventura for a week but I felt so sad. First time I have flown since Mum passed and brought back so many memories of holidaying with my Mum and sister. Dad wouldn’t fly so we had one week without him (when we were much older). Funny isn’t it how an airport can trigger so many feelings. Dad is still poorly and we are waiting a care package and NHS response team. He is finally accepting he needs support. He can barely walk and hasn’t left the house / bath in over a year but still insisted he is ok. I have been checking in to read your updates but some days I feel so sad about Dad I have struggled to cope with it all. X
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Hi,
So sorry you’re having such a hard time with your dad’s health. Hope he gets the assistance he needs.
Thinking of you.
Love Lindz xx
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Hi Jules,
Aww it’s wonderful to hear from you. It’s ok we understand you have a lot on at the moment.
Reply when you feel able to. Just remember we are here for you x
Oh the wonderful school holidays. I remember them well. I actually loved going back though and seeing all the children with their new uniforms and shiny shoes and if course new lunch boxes. Such wonderful memories!
I miss the little characters so much.
I hope something is sorted for your dad soon. Sometimes it takes ages doesn’t it?
Yes the little things affect us. I was sorting a draw today and came across mum’s hairbrush and there were a few if her hairs left in it. I picked one up and thought that’s all I have left if mum and wondered how had this all happened. It set me off and I cried and cried.
Then a white butterfly flew past the bedroom window and I thought was it mum? Who knows but it helped me to pull myself together and carry on.
Oooh I had a sign about a week ago but am too tired to write anymore tonight do will tell you all about it tom. Again to do with lights.
Hope everyone is ok
Live to you all
Deb x
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Hi Girls
Good to hear from you Jules. Oh I know what you mean about airports triggering memories.
We were often picking mum up or taking her back to the airport and in the last couple of years , we often travelled with her.
Now when I see the special assistance areas it’s just heartbreaking. Thanks to that service mum was able to fly independently for at least the last 5 or more years of her life.
We used to so look forward to picking her up and as we live quite close to an airport, seeing the planes flying over is just another sad reminder.
It’s true that our lives have changed, they just can’t be the same. I’m a different person now without mum.
Look forward to hearing about your sign Deb. I haven’t had any for ages unfortunately.
Hope you are all doing ok.
Love and hugs
K xxxx
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Hi Girls,
Ok here goes about m sign or rather signs bec it happened last night again.
Think I am going crazy really but will tell you anyway.
A few weeks ago I was clearing some draws in the bedroom where mum’s ashes are . I found some battery operated lights and put one in a vase next to where mum’s ashes were and said mum if you can see me try to make the lights light up.Anyway nothing happened.
I had forgotten that on the seat in the room I had placed some items from my recent temu order and when I looked I had bought some garden solar lights . They were all packaged up in white wrapping . I placed them in the flower borders in the front of my house. Had two sets of five small round ball lights. Didn’t put them there until it was getting dark so they hadn’t charged so didn’t come on when it got dark. That night I woke at 3am to what I thought was a bad storm coming as there were lightening strikes outside. When I went to look it was the garden lights going crazy flashing and just lighting up the whole front of the house. It was directly under my bedroom window. I had to get up yo change the setting.
It has never happened since and they haven’t come on at all once they have gone off. I have even been getting up at 3 am to check.
Anyhow last night I put another two thin lights that change colour into a pot on the steps outside my lounge and they came on for a while then went off around 11 am.
Last night I couldn’t sleep and noticed something bright above the curtains . Looked out and the lights had come on It was 2.30 am.
So tonight or rather tom morn I am going to check to see if it happens again.
I always have had signs when I am very upset and the last two days I have cried such a lot thinking back and whilst talking about mum. It’s been that guy wrenching crying where you feel you are going to choke. So I am sure mum is sending me a sign bec she can see me struggling.
I have kept a record of the signs and it’s usually only the once I get a sign of the same thing although it’s almost always been to do with lights.
The affect it has is amazing though. I instantly felt calm. Maybe I am just losing the plot !!!
Kate I am dreading going to an airport. Mum used to come on holidays with us and it will be so painful
I find it strange not having her by my side in everyday situations. Looking out for her in the aisles of Tesco, checking on her in M and S when she was looking at the clothes and helping her in the changing room. I find it strange not going into the disability changing room now and parking in normal spaces. How I loved the side disability spa especially! I miss helping her get in and out of my car, putting her seat belt on and getting a trolley for her so she had something to lean on.
I know you all feel the same and it’s so hard isn’t it.
Nearly two years in Dec. Where has the time gone? I think I am only now starting to process what has happened if that makes sense.
Anyway girls I hope you are doing as ok as can be expected.
I love reading your posts and so glad we are all here for each other.
Love Deb x
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Hi Deb and All,
Uncanny reading about the lights.
You remind me of mum, she adored lights both in the summer and at Christmas. She was always telling me to buy solar lights for the garden and she had them all along her fence all year round. This year we tidied up the garden, bought new lights and generally made it look more pretty as mum would approve. It shows how much I’ve come on as last summer it was too painful to sit out there and see mum’s empty chair. She always used to say at Christmas “you can never have too many lights!!!”
I had a weird experience last night. I’d gone to bed between 12 and 1 and had the tv on in bed. I was sort of watching it then drifted off into a deep sleep. Less than an hour later I woke up suddenly and turned the tv off, but I was aware I had had a dream about mum, it was if she was with me and we had been chatting away as normal. The strange thing is I couldn’t remember anything about the dream even though hardly any time had passed, but I was so sure she was there with me and it felt so intense. It was comforting. 
September is a difficult month for me as it marks the month that mum (now in hindsight) started to decline. I remember everything still so clearly after 2 years.
I get you Deb it’s those mundane, everyday things that I miss so much. Seeing the disabled parking space outside mum’s chiropodist is still so painful.
Hope you all have a good day.
Love K xxxx
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Thanks both for your kind words. You are absolutely right. The mundane and the routine things often trigger and stir up the strongest memories. Certainly makes me think about how I have taken the mundane for granted. I take pleasure in the smallest of things now as they have taken on a new significance. I imagine how hard it must be for you Kate living by an airport and travelling as was a huge part of your Mum’s life. How she must have looked forward to seeing her grandson and you in Italy. I can’t believe will be two years for you soon and we are all in our second year of grief now. Life is getting a little easier as I am now trying to focus on Mum’s life and not her death. Not easy some days but I remember how she took joy in her grandchildren and loved holidaying with us. We were her life and she was so proud of us all. I try and remember this when I am feeling blue. Mum absolutely adored Tom Jones and she saw him in concert many times. Whenever I hear his voice on the radio I am reminded of how joyful her life was… x
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Hello so sorry for your loss im heartbroken to be here but i lost my mum suddenly 3 weeks ago while she was away with dad i never got to tell her i loved her or goodbye and its eating me up it hurts so much i try keep as busy with my kids through day but nights are the worst im always looking for signs from mum heartbroken 
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Hi Girls,
Aww Jules my mum loved Tom Jones too and I remember getting her and her friend tickets to see him in Cardiff years ago. She talked about it for years.
I am the same as you in enjoying the smallest things in life. Losing mum has changed me so much. I have lost so much especially my confidence but also gained a lot. I appreciate the little things in life more than ever. I seem to be more positive even when going through the most horrendous feelings of grief. I notice things more and appreciate the beauty of nature more than ever. Just the simple things like seeing a seed growing that has been blown somewhere by the wind, listening to the tide crashing in the pebbles, watching the birds etc. I say thank you far more as I noticed the kind things people do for me especially Paul who i definitely took for granted.
Welcome to our group Transplantmum and I am so sorry to hear about your mum.
This site is the site no one wants to be a member of but it’s also been a wonderful lifeline when we have been at our lowest. Keep posting whenever you want to as we will help to support you as much as we can. It helps to share how you feel and what you are going through. No one will judge you. I know the girls will respond soon to you. Kate in particular lost her mum without saying goodbye so she will relate even more to what you are going through.
Kate the dream you had is something you just can’t explain. I have only ever had about two dreams about mum and when I wake up I can’t remember them even though just before I wake up they are so vivid.
Helen, Gill and Lindz how are you ?
Hope you are doing ok. I know you all work but look after yourselves and don’t work too hard.
Sending love to everyone.
Love Deb x
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