Hello Transplantmum, so sorry for your loss and as Deborah has already said we are all on this site seeking support from each other and posting without judgement. We all grieve differently. Your loss is very recent so please give yourself time to heal. In your timeframe not somebody else’s…. You said you didn’t get time to say goodbye which must be really difficult. I’m sure your Mum knew just how much she was loved. Actions speak louder than words and I can tell by your post just how much you loved, and still love, your Mum. I’m not sure time heals but for me, time has helped me process what has happened and learning to live without this wonderful wonderful Mum. My mum was pint sized but loved like a giant! X
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Thoughts become tears, that don’t stop! I think today’s world makes things harder for everyone and we tend to think back and then get emotional, it’s hard not too as there’s not much love in the world today. My mum told me she loved me last time I visited her in hospital and I know she meant it. I would join if I could! as today’s world is just plain nasty.
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Aww I love what you have written Jules. I can just imagine your pint sized mum X
Deb x
Hi Keith68,
My mum also told me several times before she passed that she loved me and I know she did. I guess we were lucky in the fact that we were able to say our goodbyes and everything we wanted to say to them before they passed. Its hard for some of the girls in this group who didn’t get that chance and I feel so sad for them.
I do feel surrounded by love in this group though and supported by wonderful friends who understand.
You are right. There are so many nasty things going on in this world but I try to see the beauty in the world. Its hard at times but I try. That’s all I can do x
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Didn’t say goodbye 10 days passed I got used to her going into hospital and coming out and with work commitments. The hospital rung my old phone, which I not turned on, to this day. I got notified by the Police which I hated, I did go into the hospital and mum passed away in her sleep. Nurse told me even I had been at the hospital, there’s nothing I could of done. But it’s the memories they cutting me up even a year on. I think if I was given the chance to pass over I would grab the opportunity with both hands, I’m sick of this world and had enough. I just live from day to day, it’s a existence. No doubt I feel better tomorrow as back at hospital, just another distraction nothing more.
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Hi Keith68,
I totally understand that the memories are painful a year on. It’s the same for me as in Dec it will be 2 years for me that my amazing mum passed away.
I think of her numerous times each day. We are still very early on in our grieving even though a year or two has gone by.
I am only now coming to terms with what happened and in a way processing it. It is extremely difficult and some days are worse than ever.
I don’t know how next week,month or year will be like . I just focus on today and the next few days. It’s easier to deal with. Well I think so anyway.
We just have to keep going and hope we get stronger.
Deborah
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Hi Transplantmum
I’m so sorry for your loss and I totally understand how you feel. My mum died of cardiac arrest 23 months… exactly 100 weeks ago today.
Sudden death is the worst. I found mum and that image will never leave me. Not having been able to say goodbye and tell her all I would have wanted, how much I loved her still cuts me up.
I had bereavement counselling at the beginning and it did help. I found writing mum a letter of all I wanted to say helped and I put it in her coffin.
My therapist told me to write mum’s reply too in a letter to me.
As the girls say, your mum knew how much you loved her, as mine did too and it’s so true that actions speak louder than words. I’m sure you were always there for your mum. I was too.
It will get easier as time goes on, the corners of our grief are less pointed and more faded, but the missing never ends. We learn to build our lives around our loss. I’m not the same person as I was, but I’m trying to enjoy life as mum would want. Yours would want that too. We can honour them by trying to do this.
It’s very early days for you and this forum has been a life saver. We are all here for each other and understand. Post whenever you want to chat.
Sending you a healing hug.
Kate xxx
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Hi Keith
Sorry for your loss. Sudden loss is the worst and not being able to say goodbye is so heartbreaking, I get you.
This forum is a lifeline in our grief journey and I’ve made true friends here who really understand and have helped me.
A year is still early grief, mum died 100 weeks ago today but at times it feels like yesterday.
Feel free to post whenever you need to.
We all understand and care.
Take care,
Kate xx
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Good morning everyone!
I’m so sorry I’ve been a stranger, I’ve had the weirdest six months…. Grief ontop of everything but everything that COULD go wrong, HAS gone wrong!
My eldest daughter turned 14 in July, we’ve had loads going on and it’s been a whirlwind. My girls have all gone back to school this week so it’s time to reset and create a new routine (all went to shit in the hols!)
Not much to report, just wanted to say hello and send my love to each and every one of you.
Hope to speak soon and be more involved!
Love love love,
Molly xxx
Ps. Me and my Phoenix 
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Hi Keith68 and everyone, when we are in this grief, our minds automatically turn to the negative. The world’s full of wonderful things and kind, decent people. It might help to turn the news off as it’s so negative and leaves you feeling more helpless and depressed. I don’t watch the news or buy newspapers. I just watch the headlines every now and then to keep up. Try and find positive people and invest time and energy in them. I found going to church has been a help even though I’m not very religious. I’ve also been meeting friends more, getting out in nature, eating well and exercise. Find whatever you need to do to improve your wellbeing. Look after YOU.
I’ve been feeling low again recently. I’m trying to keep myself busy which fills my time and occupies my mind. It helps. It’s tough but I’m managing to find small pleasures and I have been laughing again. I’m not sure if it’s proper laughing but it feels like it. I honestly can’t remember the old me. I see pictures of myself from 2 years ago and see how much grief has aged me. I realise I can’t be miserable forever so I try, like we all do.
Like you say Kate, the corners become more rounded. It doesn’t feel as brutal but it still hurts. I suppose if it was a physical injury, I’m at the aching bruised stage of healing. Although it does open up every now and again. I just go with it. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to shout, I shout.
I echo what Deborah says to everyone at the early stages of this journey. It will take however long for you. No timeframe even though society seems to expect it! It’s OUR grief and we need to process it ourselves.
Do share your feelings on here. There will be nothing that shocks us. We’ve been through a lot together; from feeling paralysed unable to get out of bed, screaming, punching pillows, crazy midnight drives in dressing gowns, relationship problems to name a few Honestly, whatever you need to vent, this is the place. There will be someone who has felt/done the same. I can also guarantee it does get easier and you find a way of coping.
Sending every member of this awful club, lots of love Helen xxx
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Aww Helen what beautiful words. Such lovely honest powerful words.
It’s finding ways like you said about looking after yourselves and putting ourselves first or giving us ME time. Even if it’s just for ten minutes.
Trying to be positive is the key even though sometimes we don’t want to be.
We are all different so there’s no right or wrong way.
We know what works for us and can only share ideas in the hope it helps someone on here.
Maybe we could share a few things that have helped us get into a sort of positive mindset or helped in some way.
For me I try to plan a few tasks for the next day so when I wake I know exactly what I have to do. I know it’s different for me as you all work but being retired has its own difficulties in the fact I could sit all day if I wanted to and do nothing. So a plan helps.
I go out every day for a short walk or even in the garden if I really can’t be bothered.
I cook and bake more than I did before. We also go to our local beach a few times each week in the evening when sometimes the sun sets and is so beautiful. We sit on the pebbles and when the tide is right up it reaches the pebbles and the sound of the waves crackling is so calming.
Spins to the mountains are something else we do and just sit in the car and have a picnic. Scenery that’s so stunning with all the sheep and old ruined cottages!!.
And here are the things I don’t do so much.
I don’t watch anything on TV that upsets me. I know the news is important but the long term consequences of watching
certain images impacts on my wellbeing.
I only watch light hearted TV programmes like A place in the Sun (and think of Kate ) and The Chase etc. No sad or horror or creepy films and programmes.
I surround myself with friends that are positive and who understand my grief and who talk about my mum. I have eliminated certain people from my life and it’s been liberating to say the least
My mum would want me to have the best possible life so for now it’s a matter of surviving. Getting through each day, week, month and the next year by being as positive as I can be under the horrible cloud of sadness that’s always there.
Sharing on here helps so keep sharing everyone x
Deb x
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Hi Molly,
Welcome back. It’s lovely to hear from you. Love your photo also.
Post anytime you can.
It’s a busy time having a family on top of grief.
14yr old is a delightful age. I remember those years well. A child but still really not an adult. Sometimes I felt I was going into battle lol.
Try to find some ME time for yourself now that the girls are back in school.
Then recharge for when they come home.
How are you managing your grief on top of everything else?
We are all here for you x
Deb x
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I don’t watch the news and haven’t for some time. Doesn’t help me though, bad news comes in waves of 3 ?
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Hi Deb, yes making a lists of tasks for the next day is a great idea. It makes you move forward and gives you goals for the next day. For me, getting out in nature everyday is vital. Even if I’ve had a busy day at work. I come home, get my trainers on and take my dog out. I’ve been improving my diet too. I wear a ring of mum’s permanently and twiddle it throughout the day. You have done incredibly well since those early days. Going to a quiet beach is such a tonic for the soul. Sounds so lovely. Lots of love Hxxx
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Hi girls, sorry I have been quiet on here, had a busy few weeks which has helped me get through the end of the summer. Have been away to the hills again, in good company, mostly other girls. Although I am utterly exhausted from it after, as my energy is much lower now and my heart breaks at not being able to share my life experiences with my mum, I do feel it takes my mind off feeling simply awful. I just realised I have to get away from my house more often, as I’m at home all day every day working. So too much time to feel sad. The mornings are hardest but having something to get me up and out at weekends is important. Otherwise, I don’t want to face the world. Turns out when I do go out or away, it’s absolutely fine and everything is doable. I come back home and first thing I do is look at my mums photo on my ipad, it’s an older photo maybe 5 years ago? So before she became ill with a stroke and bowel issues. It lifts my heart to see her smile and i tell her i love her and wave. and I feel so much love seeing her. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello. Molly, your wee girl is precious! What a good photo. Take care and wishing everybody a better day. Gill xxx
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Hi Gill, the scenery up there is simply stunning. It changes your perspective on things being somewhere like that. So glad you are able to do this as it’s good for the soul. Keep going love Hxxx
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Brilliant photos Gill. Looks wonderful.
X
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Helen I wear the necklace and earrings that mum made me go to choose before she passed. Forget me knots. I feel so close to her when I wear them. Just like you either the ring. X
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Hi Gill and girls,
What beautiful scenery in Scotland! I really hope to visit one day.
How’s everyone feeling? September isn’t an easy month. I still tend to go over and over in my head the events of this time 2 years ago… I guess it’s inevitable but I feel like it’s a grim countdown.
I so wish I could have done more.
I also wear mum’s ring and bracelet which brings me comfort.
Love to all of you.
K xxx
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Hi Kate, it’s understandable you are feeling down. It’s countdown time to the worst day of your life. Thinking of you. I know the 2 year anniversaries are approaching for me and Deborah too but first is your mum’s. Early October. How can it be 2 years?! For me and Deborah it’s Christmas. I’m hoping to do my Christmas shopping next weekend before all the decorations and Christmas songs fill the shops and high streets. I can’t bear it. Even the thought of it is making my heart rate go up. I’m sure it will get easier in time but this is the first one without mum and dad and losing them both at Christmas, it just upsets me.
I was thinking about your mums the other day Kate and Deborah. I was in M&S and remembered your mums loved it. My mum did too actually. I bought myself some new winter stuff.
Hope everyone else is doing okay. My heart goes out to all of you, especially those at the start of their grief journey. Please take it from us ‘grief veterans’ it does get easier to cope with. Don’t give up. Keep pushing through each day. Do something that brings you joy each day even if it’s the most simple thing like fresh bedding or a nice cup of coffee. You are not alone. We are all here with you, together. Sending you all my love Hxxx
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