Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

[Lindz]

Hi everyone,

Well it’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow… the first one without mum. Then next Wednesday is mums birthday (first without her) . I am dreading both and am looking forward to getting past it. It seems never ending though because then it would be their 55th wedding anniversary in November, then Christmas. I actually can’t wait until the new year. I don’t know how any of these dates will be and feel so sorry for my dad .

Really hoping time does heal a little because it’s so hard at the moment. It will be exactly 5 months since we lost mum on the 18th September - which is her birthday…

Take care all, thinking of the group often…

Love Lindz xx

[Kate111]

Hi Helen

I know how terrible Christmas is for us all but especially for you lovely. Also for Jules and Deborah an awful time.
My heart goes out to you. The shopping in advance sounds a great idea. Here the festive commercialism starts much later thank goodness.
The 2 year mark is fast approaching for many of us… in time it will get easier I know because dad’s “day” comes and goes and I don’t feel terribly sad anymore.
Hugs and have a good day everyone.
K xxxx

[Kate111]

Hi Lindz the firsts are always tough, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and Mother’s Day.
Try to do something however small to honour your mum. I make mum’s favourite dishes on her birthday and of course buy her flowers.
It will get a little easier after the first firsts I promise.
Thinking of you.
K xxx

[Lindz]

Thank you Kate xx

[seychelles]

Aww Kate it’s that time of year for most of us on here. Things are starting to trigger me . The colder weather remembering back to making sure the house was warm enough for mum when she was ill, memories on my mobile popping up of two years ago of mum and I on holiday and all the plans we had.
It sucks! The whole past two years just sucks. Yes I survived two years but only just. I still feel stuck. The feeling of sadness is always there. I find myself saying things like "this time two years ago mum and I did … or went to … ". It’s just heartbreaking.
I feel numb after selling her house even though I know it was the right thing to do. I keep wondering about the people living in there now. What are they like etc It’s none of my business of course and perhaps it’s best I know nothing about them but I often wonder if they have changed the house in any way. Mum lived in it for 55 yrs so it was a huge wrench selling it.
Looking back we have come a long way in 2 yrs. Done a lot and got through a lot. How have we managed to though!
Thank you girls for everything you have done to help me.
Love Deb x

[seychelles]

Aww Helen you are so right. Christmas will never be the same. I hadn’t thought about Xmas shopping until you mentioned it but you are so right. I will get mine done early as well. I will make it simple. Vouchers for everyone and I can get them online.
Yes my mum loved M and S. In fact she used to go in so often someone once asked her if she worked there lol. I find it very hard going in there now and it will always be mum’s shop.
It’s a strange feeling isn’t it. I would love to turn back time and be there with mum even when she was so ill but I know I couldn’t go through all that guy wrenching grief again. I know you have gone through it twice Helen and it breaks my heart thinking about it for you.
We were very lucky if that’s the right word to use that we all met each other on this site and goodness knows how we managed to when you think how much we were grieving.
I still say it was my lifeline in my darkest hours.
As Helen said keep going everyone and just plan small steps each day. Getting through each day is more than enough. Find ways to grab a bit of ME time each day even if it’s just a nap or rest on the bed for ten mins, listening to music, venture into the garden or go for a five mins walk, sit down and treat yourself to a cuppa and cake etc. It doesn’t have to be something fancy or expensive.Quality time with yourself is precious.
Love to you all x
Deb

[seychelles]

Aww Lindz the firsts are horrible to go through. I remember a few weeks after my mums funeral it was mother’s day and it was also my birthday.
There’s no easy way round first days. Just have to get through them somehow.
I find the build up to them is just as bad.
It’s early days for you so just plan for the day in whatever way you feel is right for everyone. Plan a little bit of time even 5 mins for yourself and your thoughts. Have some quiet time to yourself.
I have had my sister staying here for a few days and we obviously talked about mum. I constantly tried to keep strong but even so I cried a lot. I still found that taking myself off to my bedroom for 5 mins for quiet time helped me to carry on.
Am sending love your way.
Deb x

[Helen51]

Hi Lindz and everyone. For me the ‘firsts’ weren’t as hard as I thought. I saw my mum and dad a lot so just the everyday weeks were already so difficult that when the ‘firsts’ came it wasn’t that much harder. The significance of the day definitely stabs at your heart more though. I’m still going through all the ‘firsts’ without them both as I lost dad 11 months after mum. It will be 2 years of ‘firsts’ for me. Like the others have said, it’s nice to mark the day. Something special to focus on your mum.
I’ve not been great the last couple of months. I’ve been really low. The massive hole they have left is having an impact and I’ve been missing them so much. I do feel like I’m picking myself up now. I know we shouldn’t make any big decisions but I have an urge to have a ‘fresh start’. I know in my head it doesn’t work like that. I can’t just change my life and the grief will go. I think I’m tired of grieving and I know mum and dad will be sad that I’ve been feeling so low. It’s a major life changing occurrence we’ve gone through and we need to rebuild a different life somehow. I am picking up now though, thank God! We are off on a day trip to Llandudno today so over the border Deborah weather looks beautiful. Mum and dad loved Llandudno so I might pinch a few pebbles off the beach. Sshhhh!
Hope everyone is doing okay. Lots of love to all Hxxx

[Juniper8]

Hi Helen, and everyone. Llandudno sounds lovely, I hope you had lovely weather, it is one of my dreams to see more of the non city parts of England and Wales. I like hearing the Welsh language and accent, although have no idea what people are saying, it’s just kind of gentle sounding.

Helen, I didn’t expect the firsts to be as hard as they turned out to be when they actually happened. On the run up to them, everything was as normal as it can be now she’s gone, then it hits home and suddenly, I feel like this gaping hole where my mum should be.

At the weekend, we went to my big cousin’s wedding celebration, they got married last year, and this year was a “do” to celebrate where they met, (which is in a small village not far from my dad). So I came home and my dad and I went along. We were made very welcome but all the time I was thinking, “Mum should be here”. It was her niece, and she was really fond of all her nieces, loved knowing what they were up to, how their kids were getting on etc. I think they miss her, and were so good to us there at the weekend. My dad enjoyed being with them too. I enjoyed seeing them, but found the whole thing so tiring. I feel like a fire has gone out in me and I have no energy now for social gatherings. Even with family! I can’t wait to leave and go home to bed. I’m not ill and I am reasonably young, so I guess it is maybe the sadness of missing mum getting me down?

Helen I get the urge to make a big change. I feel this a bit too, and look at alternative jobs, moving flat, getting a pet, everything really, but I can’t actually make a decision. I believe the whole “what’s for you won’t go by you” thing, but I feel really stuck at times, just kind of waiting in a sort of limbo. I looked through some of my mum’s things last night, with the aim of doing some tidying out for dad, but just cuddled her clothes, found a nice t-shirt to wear and that was it. There’s no rush hopefully. Gill xxx

[seychelles]

Hiya Helen,
Hey hope you have your passport Helen lol.
My mum and I went to Llandudno for the previous three years before she passed so it has lots of wonderful memories for me. I have been back there with Paul once since and I felt do sad. We went on the tram and the double decker sightseeing bus and seeing them brought it all back. I remember staying in a hotel on the seafront and sitting watching the lights over the promenade and the sea whilst having a glass of wine with mum.
You will have a lovely time there.
The sightseeing bus takes you to Conwy where the smallest house in Wales is. Well worth visiting it.
I know how you feel when you say you have been low. When mum passed almost two years ago I somehow thought I would feel much better than this when in fact there’s hardly any difference. I realise this isn’t a short term thing but one that will be either me forever. I read somewhere that grief is always alongside us and it’s true.
How’s everyone else doing?
I am at our chalet for a few days. Having a new bathroom fitted so need to be here to keep an eye on things.
It’s so quiet here as all the visitors have gone home now school has started so I can relax.
Hope you are all ok girls.
Keep going because we are all doing so well even though we feel sometimes we are not.
Love Deb x

[seychelles]

Hi Gill,
Gosh I could have written so much of what you wrote.
I get really tired too and even when my sister visited last week I couldn’t be bothered to even make conversation as it all seemed so pointless. I too kept thinking mum should be here with us all and felt so sad.
I have sorted of gone into hibernation mode. I love staying home and it has become an effort to venture out. I think it’s a lot to do with being retired as now I don’t have to go out or in fact do anything.
Also it’s a sort of survival thing. I know when I am in my own home I am somehow protected from the world.I feel safe. That’s sound daft I know but it’s also comforting. I find mundane conversations with people so boring and trivial so retreating on my own works at the moment. Sorry to be a bit negative girls. It’s the build up to the 2nd anniversary which is worse than the actual day.
Then Christmas and New year celebrations everywhere. It’s going to do my head in but I know everything will pass.
And hopefully quickly!!
Sending love
Deb x

[Kate111]

Hi Everyone

I’m hating this time of the year too. The 2 year mark is approaching in 2 weeks time. I still miss mum so much and I always will do. The nights are drawing in, here there is a chill in the air and it’s raining a lot, it feels autumnal and with the arrival of Autumn my thoughts turn to that horrible day. It is true that the lead up is worse than the day itself but the flashbacks do come and go.
I have been working from home today and random memories just keep popping into my mind. I’m glad I have little Skye who never leaves my side.
Tomorrow I have to go away for work to the Marche area of central Italy. Only overnight but even that makes me feel a bit anxious.
I too have thought about doing something radically different to change my life. I was thinking of going back to the Uk… I think Alex would like to. Mum would say what? after all those years I wanted you to move back…?!!
I don’t know, maybe it’s because I feel part of my history/ background / heritage has gone now that mum is no longer here as my connection to the Uk.
I won’t do anything rash but I think grief makes us question so many aspects of our lives.
Take care everyone and have a good evening.
Love K xxx

[Helen51]

I’m really thinking of you Kate with the anniversary approaching. I totally get your grief has ripple effects on other aspects of your life. Not just your precious mum but the loss of sense of connection to home. Death of a loved one makes us feel so vulnerable. The shock of it makes us realise how fragile life is. I keep thinking about my own mortality whereas I never really did before. I keep thinking about how long I’ve got left and have aged 78 in my head because that was mums age. I know it’s silly and possibly a bit macabre but that’s just where my mind keeps going.
Oh Deborah, how nice will your chalet be with a nice new bathroom? I’m sure it will be beautiful as having met you, I know you have good taste. It’s over a year since we met! That’s still one of my favourite days ever. It was so special. Remember our mix of excitement and nerves beforehand? It just felt like we were old friends who’d known each other for years. Still feels like that.
Jules I’m so glad you and your dad went to the family party. It’s important to push ourselves to keep going. Our hearts just want to curl up and avoid social occasions but our brains tell us that’s not good for us.
Gill, you really should travel around and set goals to see these places. It would do you the world of good. I’ll put some pictures up from the top of the ‘Great Orme’ today. Weather was perfect. Llandudno is a lovely town and only an hour and half drive on a straight run from Manchester
Keep finding joy in each day. Lots of love Hxxx

[Helen51]

[Kate111]

Beautiful pictures Helen, just look at little Mary enjoying herself! I’ve never been to north Wales. My aunt used to holiday in Llandudno, don’t know if mum ever went.
Glad you had a lovely day! K xxxx

[Helen51]

It’s a lovely seaside town Kate. Beautiful Victorian splendour on the front. Nice walk up to the Orme or you can get a cute little tram or a cable car. Well worth a visit. Mary loves an ice cream at the seaside. Xx

[seychelles]

Hiya Helen,
Mum and I went up on that little tram yo the Great Orme. Your photos brought back do many memories. Hope you had a lovely time there. Next time you go there let me know and Paul and I will pop up.
In fact we should start planning a reunion. How about after Christmas sometime towards Easter?
We will have to decide on a place for every as our little group has grown.
We are still at the chalet but things are going great so far. I am stripping the old woodchip wallpaper off the walls, bathroom fitter going great guns and Paul is washing the whole of the outside of the chalet. At last things are moving. I can’t believe I actually thought 35 yes ago that woodchip was the best thing since sliced bread lol.
We had the leak here two years ago and with the grief I just couldn’t motivate myself to sort all this out. It wasn’t just the work but going out and about to shop for things. Tiles,paint etc were way down on my list so it never got done. I just closed the door and never came here.
But now I am here it’s fine me the world of good. The chalet is in a woodland setting with so much nature around the place and wildlife galore. It’s unbelievably peaceful. Hardly anyone here so it’s what I need. Am going to make it my project just to keep me occupied for the next few weeks.
Kate I am thinking of you as I know you are going through your anniversary before me. Was thinking would a base in UK be any good for you? Or maybe that’s hassle with all the new rules and regulations.
Gill, Lindz and Jules hope you are all doing okish.
Keep surviving each day the best you can.
Just wish with all my heart none of us were going through this. The only thing I am grateful for is that we are all there for each other. Someone to turn to , post to, read posts at stupid hours has really saved me.
Love to you all x
Deb

[seychelles]

Kate you must go to North Wales. It’s beautiful. We should meet there as I know lots of places I could take you all to visit.
Deb x

[Helen51]

Hi everyone, just checking in on you all. Hope you’ve had a good week/weekend. I’m feeling so much brighter than I have been recently. I was so low.
The church I’ve been going to since mum died is 175 years old and guess who’s been roped into the event team? Yep, yours truly! It’s actually been really good for me as keeping busy is one of my coping mechanisms. I’ve enjoyed it but will be glad when the events (5/6th October) are done. One of the things I’ve been organising is a choir. It’s been such fun but today I have a difficult conversation to have with a guy that cannot sing at all. I mean he’s really bad!! Obviously none of us are taking it too seriously but everyone else has worked really hard on some difficult harmonies and have rehearsed twice a week for 5 weeks, whereas this guy has only been to maybe 3 rehearsals. He has such a loud voice and is putting everyone else off!! I was messaging my son about the best way to approach asking the guy to step down and my son said ‘just tell him his voice isn’t quite right for this performance but if ever we need the soundtrack to a fire in a pet shop, then we’ll call you’!! Absolutely no sympathy there! kids eh?!!
We went to the Manchester City v Arsenal game yesterday! That was tense! Can you believe city scored 8 minutes into 7 minutes of extra time?! Serves Arsenal right for cheating and trying to play for time. Didn’t pay off for them as we scored in all the extra time they’d accumulated! It was a great atmosphere. I always feel so close to mum there as that was her great passion in life 🩵 Some of the letters we found to dad from when they were young, she tells dad how much she loves him etc but also writes about the city score and how the match was!
I go back to work on Thursday after nearly 3 weeks off annual leave. We were supposed to be travelling through France to visit James in Barcelona but Toms mum is now palliative, probably last couple of months, so we postponed. It’s actually been nice just being at home. Meeting friends and getting organised. Lots of morning swims and dog walks. I could definitely retire quite happily. Still got 4 years on the mortgage so maybe then
Anyway, that’s my news. Hope you’re all doing okay. Lots of love Hxxx

[seychelles]

Hiya Helen
Great to hear from you
Oh I do feel for you in having to tell the church choir man.
There’s no easy way but knowing the kind sweet soul if a person you are then you will handle it the best you can.
Glyn would be the same as James and tell me " Just say it mum"
Three weeks off!!! Wow that’s wonderful.
I agree it must have been lovely to just be at home switching off.
Hows everyone else doing?
As for me I am busy with the chalet. I will be so glad to put the scrapper down from removing woodchip wallpaper!!!.
I am hoping they will finish the bathroom by the end of the week so that will be a huge bit of progress done.
I have still found myself quite down especially when hearing certain songs. In the past I have sorted if learnt how to control myself when I hear them but recently there’s been nil control and I burst into tears in an instant. I was in a shop, in the car, waiting for a coffee last week and heard them and the crying just came on straight away. Now I wear sunglasses on my head even in the rain!!! Quick to hide a wealth of tears but I do get funny looks!!!
Hope you all managed to survive the storms. We were quite lucky here. Only had a day of rain.
Keep going girls.
I know you are all so busy but just want to say I am thinking if you all
Love Deb x