Hi Gill,
You are so right. Just taking one day or right now one hour at a time is all Jules can do. I so vividly remember either Helen or Kate telling me exactly the same when mum passed. Just getting through the next hour was so difficult let alone a day.
We have all come so far but it’s been such a tough heartbreaking journey.
Love Deb x
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Oh Jules, I’m so terribly sad for you. I can relate having lost my gorgeous dad 11 months after mum. The emptiness is vast isn’t it love? I don’t really have any words of comfort as it’s just so awful but I can tell you it does get easier to cope with in time. Just so raw for you right now. I am thinking of you and sending my love Helenxxx
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Hi i lost my mum in march she was nearly 90 but was still active and driving. which is how we discovered she’d had a fall she didnt show up to take a friend to church. I keep stuff to myself don’t even share with my sister or friends of 30 years - I’m learning to as they say to lean on them. I don’t think there’s a right way to grieve. I think we just muddle through as best we can.
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Hi Milliemobs,
Welcome to our little group even though none of us want to be in a group like this.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum was nearly 90 also. And quite active and enjoying life to the fullest when she suddenly started being ill.
As you mentioned there’s no right or wrong way to deal with the grief . We just have to get through it somehow.
It’s still very early days for you so everything is very raw.
It’s all about finding your own way to deal with it all and every day is so different and no two people are the same.
In our small group we help to support each other. No one will ever judge you here so any time you want to post please do so. We listen to each other and truly care. We understand what you are going through. We share how we are feeling,our worries, how we are coping with all sorts of things, what has helped us and what hasn’t, how we have managed with everything etc.
We talk about our mum’s and share things about them eg their favourite things, funny things they said, special times spent either them and do on.
When you feel ready we would love to hear about your mum.
I know it’s hard to open up. This site is the first site I have ever joined online. It’s never something that I ever thought about as like you I kept things to myself a lot.
I can honestly tell you it’s the best thing I ever did and I am sure my lovely mum guided me to this site. I have met the most amazing supportive people on here . Without them I would never have reached the place where I am now.
So don’t go through this on your own. It’s too big a battle to do on your own. You have taken the first big step in posting which is very hard to do. So keep posting as it will help you.
Sending a big hug to you x
Deborah x
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Thank you for you kind thoughts. Had a weird memory of mum the other day whilst crumbling a stock cube remembered licking mum’s fingers when she did it as a kid. Seems icky now and is but it’s the kinda thing mum’s do like spitting on a handkerchief to clean their kids face. This forum has helped so much.
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Hi Milliemobs,
Yes I agree. It’s all the silliest simple things that trigger memories. Anything I do,visit,buy,watch eat tiggers memories of my mum. There is no escape not that I would ever want there to be.
Am so glad we did do much together and this everlasting grief is as I once read the price we pay for love. I understand but and appreciate those words far more now.
It hits home how close our bond was and in a way I feel I love her even more now than ever. Strange to say though.
Just plan a few things to do each day however small.
I am retired now so I have to force myself sometimes to do things or go out as it’s so easy to just sit and do nothing and there have been many days like that.
My mum had a wonderful zest for life. Never moaned. Got up early every day and loved going out as much as she could. Shopping for anything and everything was fun to her and she loved fashion and shopping for new clothes in M and S. In fact she adored the shop and spent ages looking around in it.
So I am trying to think what would my mum do or say if she saw me lounging around not doing much. She certainly would be grabbing he.rvcosy and saying come on let’s go exploring!.
So I always try to think like that and to aim to have her wonderful zest in life. Even at nearly 90 she had so much energy and more than me at times.
It’s lovely to read your post about your mum and your memories. It’s great remembering all the things you did together even years ago.
You are helping others by sharing as it will help others share childhood memories.
One of the things that sticks in my head when I was a child was at bedtime mum always came into the bedroom and said Goodnight, God Bless. And we immediately said it back.
Sending a Welsh cwtch ( hug) to you x
Deborah x
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Hi Jules,
Thinking of you x
Keep strong lovely x
Deborah x
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Hi seychelles,
My Dad passed away 10 years ago 5and your message just evoked lovely memories as he always said Goodnight, God Bless. We have the saying on his headstone too 
My Mum passed away just four short weeks ago which has led me to this website. People really are so kind and it’s a comfort to know that we can say how we feel without the feeling of being a burden to someone. My Mum suffered for the last 3 years of her life and could barely make herself understood for the last 6 months but I will never ever forget the last time she was able to, a few weeks before she passed & on leaving for the day I told her I loved her and she replied with ‘I love you too’ as clear as anything! My incredible Mum… how I miss her and how I’ll carry on without her in my life I don’t know but somehow I’ll do it for her. So very sorry for your loss and the heartache that others are feeling right now. Sending hugs x
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Hi Ange04,
Welcome to our little group. Please post and contribute whenever you want to. We all support each other with all sorts of things just like I wrote in my previous post to Milliemobs. You are amongst people who truly understand.
I am so sorry to read about your mum.
It’s that heartbreaking raw time for you right now. It’s a matter of trying to get through each day somehow and being distracted helps even if it’s just hot a few minutes. Just take tiny steps each day and I mean tiny steps. For me a tiny step in the beginning was simply making a cup of tea.
Looking back now it seems so sad to even write that but that was such a mountain for me to climb at the time.
I am approx 22 mths in now and I am still planning small steps each day. It helps.
I am so glad some of the things I wrote helped you. The other lovely girls will pop up soon and post to you I am sure with support. We are all here for each other so no one feels alone.
My mum also said a few things to me before she passed and even the most simplest words are now so powerful to remember. I also wrote gown things that mum said when she was in hospital and now I am so glad I did. It’s hurts terribly to read them but I have them for when I am ready.
Am glad you found this site.
Please don’t go through this on your own.
Someone on here will reply so keep posting
Sending love to you
Deborah x
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Thank you for your lovely message & kind words Deborah. I’m so sorry for your loss too and for others that have lost loved ones. l’m finding each day can be quite different from the next at the moment and I think taking small steps will definitely help as will keeping a journal. One month tomorrow since I said goodbye to my Mum, I’m sadly already noting the anniversaries. One week, one month etc. Time doesn’t stop does it, even though you feel it should…
Ange x
Hi Ange04,
Go easy on yourself as it’s still such early days for you. I don’t think I got out of bed for weeks except when I really had to. Then it was a matter of getting through a morning then an afternoon and then evening. In the beginning that’s how I functioned and at night I couldn’t sleep so posted and posted on here.
The journal is a wonderful idea. I have kept a sort of notebook of any signs I feel I have had or maybe it’s my imagination I am not sure. It’s good to read them and realise how strange some have been. And almost all have been to go with lights!!!
Are you having any counselling ?
I didn’t have any. I found this site so good bec everyone understands and it was so easier posting 24/7. It quickly became my lifeline especially at night when I felt do alone.
We are all here for you ok
Sending love
Deborah
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Hi all, feeling so sad today, missing my mum a lot and wishing I could talk to her just never changes. I will maybe write a note to her in the book I have. Thinking of you Jules, and the girls who have just joined us. The first wee while is so hard. I remember feeling it was like mum was so close and yet so far away. Like she had just gone out the room, but somehow I couldn’t find the door to get to her. I miss her terribly and probably always will. I expect we just need to find a way to go on. Best wishes to you all. Gill xxx
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I found this poem online, it’s one I’d never heard before. Thought it was exactly how I feel some days. So here it is…
They say that life’s a journey
That will take me many years
Some days are filled with laughter
And some days are filled with tears
Some days I think my heart will break
That I can’t persevere
Some days I have to don a mask
And hide beneath its veneer
Some days I turn and look for you
With thoughts I’d like to share
Some days I just can’t understand
The reason you’re not there
Some days the sadness leaves me
And my smile will reappear
Some days I close my eyes because
Your memory is so clear
Some days I struggle to go on
Just wishing you were near
Most days I spend in gratitude
That you were ever here
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Hi Everyone
That’s a lovely poem Gill, it really sums it up.
Welcome to the new girls in our group and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Here is a place we can come to speak openly about how we feel on this grief journey. We can remember our loved ones and talk openly about all our struggles, our ups and downs.
I’m now 2 years into this journey. I lost my lovely mum suddenly on 4th October 2022.
So now I’m into my 3rd year without her. It seems unbelievable still at times. I’ve been feeling very down recently, just missing mum like you say too Gill. We get used to their absence, but we never get over it. We learn to live with the hole in our hearts is the best way to describe it.
Jules I’m thinking of you and hope you are managing to cope with all the admin on top of mourning the loss of your dear dad.
It will be hard to deal with selling the family home and all the emotions that come with that, but just take it one step at a time. When all the secondary losses come into the picture it’s a very emotional time.
How is everyone else? Sending love to you all.
Kxxxx
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Thinking about our early posts Deborah. I remember being worried about you not getting out of bed for so long. Maybe it will give hope to the new members on here that it does get easier. Oh, that initial pain and anxiety. Terrible but keep going and somehow we find a way. I think we posted everyday then sometimes twice a day. It was my lifeline then and still is incredibly important like my lovely friends on here. Wondering if anyone would like to meet up before Christmas. I don’t mind travelling. Lots of love Hxxx
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Aww Gill the poem is spot on. Lovely words.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Sometimes I wish so hard that I could see mum again that it almost seems that if I close my eyes I could touch her.
I am finding it just as hard nearly 2 years on especially as Christmas looms and then New Year. Mum passed on Dec 30 th it will never ever be the same Christmas and New Year.
Last year I ended up going to the shops and all the Xmas things upset me and made everything worse. Who would have thought going into a shop would cause so much trauma, upset and hurt.
This year I am on the ball more. Not going to allow a shopping trip to drag me down even further than where I already am. So I have done all my Christmas shopping online. And wait for it wrapped everything. It’s bonkers I know but I haven’t done It to be early and organised etc. It’s me putting mechanisms in place to protect myself later on. Right now it doesn’t feel like Christmas at all so it’s been the best thing for me. All done and dusted as they say. I just don’t want to know Christmas which is the complete opposite to how I have always been. Always been someone who loved Christmas and when I was in school we would organise so many events like concerts, fayre, trips to pantomime, movie nights, Xmas disco, and theme days like sparkle days. I honestly couldn’t have squeezed another Xmas event in then would start all over again at home. As I was involved with the local church there were so many events planned which I helped at but now the magic has gone. Everything still seems pointless.
Just got to get through the rest of the year and refocus. Mum would be mad at me for still feel like this but that’s how it is.
How’s everyone else doing?
Keep going girls and thanks for always being there for me x
Deb x
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Hi All, thank you for your messages of support. It really does help speaking to others that know the sadness the loss of a loved one brings. I just feel that everything is pointless now… at the moment anyway.
Being without my Mum is just not right. Even though I know it’s the order of things and my Mum was 84 I just can’t comprehend that she’s just gone forever. I just want her back so much, as I know we all do.
@seychelles It sounds like you’ve come such a long way, but still finding it incredibly hard at times. I’m sorry that it’s coming up to such a difficult anniversary for you. My dog has been a bit of a lifeline to me really as I’ve had to get up to take her out etc, without her I think I would have curled up under the duvet too. I did go back to work last week and I find it’s helping with keeping my mind occupied… or rather it was helping, until I did my first team call today (we all work from home) there were about 15 of my colleagues on the call and only 2 sent me a message saying it was good to see me. Some of them I’ve known for 20 years haven’t said a word and I must admit I find that really upsetting. I know some people just don’t know what to say so avoid saying anything but it just made me feel as though my Mum didn’t matter and nobody cares. I read a message of yours today Deborah, where you’d told somebody that your Mum used to say something like ‘if somebody doesn’t worry about you, don’t worry about them’. It sounds like she was a very wise lady and I’ll keep that thought with me thanks to your dear Mum I’ve decided I’m going to look into getting some counselling after a while, when I feel up to talking a bit more. Sorry, I’ve gone on a bit but I just also wanted to say @juniper I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad today, I hope writing a note to your Mum gave you a little comfort. The poem really is lovely. @kate111 and @helen51 thank you for making me feel welcome @ for your kind words. I’m so sorry about the loss of all your Mums, It’s clear you all love and miss them so very much.
Take care of yourselves. Ange xx
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Hi Ange,
Lovely to hear from you.
Mum was so wise and its only after her passing I realise exactly how wise she was , “Don’t worry about people who dont worry about you " was one of her favourites. Another was “Your path in life is laid out for you” and " Everything passes”. and the best one was " Kill people with kindness"
Small sayings with enormous impact.
I love the last one because even when someone is really difficult to me or rude or whatever I always respond by being nice lol which gives me great satisfaction at the time. Later I can be horrible lol.
I am sure the counselling will help so give yourself time and then think about it. Anything or everything you can find can only help so try whatever you can.
As for your work colleagues yes there will be some who really dont know what to say and probably think its better not to say anything in case they upset you. As they are work colleagues its difficult as you need that work bond between you. As for me I had a wonderful cleansing of friends and people who were in my life. Will elaborate more some other time but basically picture an exterminator and that was me lol. Got rid of a lot and it was the most liberating thing I have ever done in my life. And 2 years on I have no regrets. Maybe it was the grief I don’t really know but there were people at the time who said stupid things to be, were way too pushy and nosey and quite frankly upset me more than I could ever have imagined. So for the first time in my life I shocked myself and deleted many from my phone and even changed my number. It was wonderful.
Keep posting and anything you would like to share about your mum please do so.
I will think of some things we could maybe all share about our mums as its good to keep talking about them and dads of course for Jules and Helen.
Love Deborah x
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Hiya Helen,
Oh I remember those bed days well. Don’t think I will ever forget them.
Ange04 and Milliemobs this is a snapshot of what I was like.
I remember sleeping in my spare room sobbing all night for weeks. Waking up with eyes crusted from crying and looking in the mirror and not recognising myself. Not getting out of bed , not washing and totally neglecting myself. Hiding from the world and even my family. Not eating and wasting away. A horrible time that you can’t ever think you will get through. This went on for weeks and the only time I got up was to meet the undertaker which meant travelling 35 miles for. If anyone called at our house I refused to see anyone. I had never suffered with any form of anxiety or depression in my life so for me and my family this was a massive change in my behaviour as I was always on top of everything and I suppose the organiser of everything. Our home life crumbled. Routines went out of the window. People ate when they wanted and often in isolation as grief hit everyone for six. We were trying to control our own grief so much that we couldn’t help each other. We were all getting up at stupid hours throughout the night so finding someone crying in the dark downstairs next to mums photo was the norm.
I think the turning point for me was finding this site as I personally needed help to carry on. Kate , Helen and Jules you saved me with the endless messages every day and as you said Helen more than once a day. Probably several. Then Gill you came along too. I quickly realised I wasn’t the only one feeling as I did and the daily posts gave me a focus and a routine which is what I needed.
I didn’t believe it for one minute that things would ease. Not in a million years. But they did ! Took a while but it did.
I could write endless more but for now that’s how I crawled out of the dark pit in the beginning.
So Ange and Millibobs keep going. Keep surviving each day and don’t plan too far ahead. Small steps every day. You will get stronger x
Helen when are you thinking would be a good time to meet up? How is everyone fixed? Everyone is welcome !
Or even after Christmas ?
Love to everyone
Deborah x
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Hi Deborah, your Mum had some wonderful sayings. My partner also swears by the ‘kill people with kindness’ saying. The one that resonates with me at the moment is ‘your path is laid out for you’. I kind of think this is the path I’m having to tread now. I might not like it, and I don’t, but sadly I can’t change it. The only thing I can do is be thankful for my lovely Mum and be grateful that I got to be her daughter. I really feel for you Deborah, it sounds like you were really in the depths of despair to begin with. It’s wonderful that you’ve found such good friends on here, even though all of you would prefer not to have had a reason to be here.
My Mum was so much fun but sadly, and in particular the last 6 months, she’d lost the ability to communicate too well and the smile had gone. Just today I feel that I can start to hear her laugh again which is just brilliant. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t remember her as the fun witty lady that she was before her decline. I had to smile when you said picture a terminator and that was you getting rid of people you know longer wanted in your life. I can feel that I’m going to make changes to my life too, ones that I know my Mum would want for me. It’ll take time, but I’ll get there and as for my work colleagues…thank god I can retire one day!
Take care all
Ange xx