Hi Ange04,
Take your time with any changes but if you need tips on becoming a terminator just get in touch lol.
I have retired now and on the day I retired I actually said to my husband that I could now be horrible to people lol.
I now try to think of WWMD which means what would mum do? It helps me such a lot in making all sorts of decisions. Looking back she always knew the right way to do things and thats what I would like to aim for.
It has taken me two years to start to come to terms with what happened so next year I am going to try so hard to also make some changes in my life. Not sure what yet but certainly looking after myself more is one of them along with going out more and going on a holiday. Grief has robbed me of all my confidence and I love staying home as its my safe place. But I know I have to change. And I know for sure mum would agree. Someone told me the other day I had lost my sparkle and I understand that because I feel I have.
Keep going and keep posting whenever you want to.
Love Deborah x
Hi Seychelles i’m also Welsh so get cwtch. Facebook reminded me the other day of our holiday to sorrento. I was annoyed with her when she told me cos she didn’t ask and i didn’t know if i could get time off work. She told me as i’d been having a hard time she ‘just wanted to do something nice’ she could hardly walk so while i trod every inch of pompeii she sat on a bench and waited. Mum, my sister and i didnt always get on but on thing I’m glad of weeks before her death mum, me, sis and nephew had lunch at a local pub - I’m holding memory on to that not her in hospital - that wasn’t mum.
Hi Milliemobs, you saying about your mum waiting on a bench really struck a chord with me. My mum’s mobility was also reduced in the last 5 or so years of her life. She still had the will to do things but couldn’t walk vary far.
A memory I have is when we took my son to Peppa Pig World when he was 3. Mum didn’t want to miss out so basically moved from bench to bench.
I think it’s great all the same that she wanted to participate, basically to see the joy on her grandson’s face!
Sorrento is beautiful, I bet you have some fabulous memories of your holiday there.
Love to all. K xxxx
Hi Deb and everyone,
I remember how you were at the start and it’s unbelievable how much progress you have made, well we all have. This forum was our lifeline.
It is still our place to remember and talk about our mums and dads.
I’m just feeling very nostalgic atm. October is a tough month and I can’t seem to shift some painful thoughts and memories.
For me it will always be the month mum died and my life changed forever.
I’m trying to keep plodding on because I know that’s what mum would want and I keep thinking back to how she miraculously got over losing her husband and her mother in 3 short weeks with a 9 year old daughter to think about ….
Her resilience and example has to be my motivation to go forward.
Hope you are all ok.
Love K xxxx
Hi everyone, reading your posts and thinking, it’s still difficult. We’ve all developed coping mechanisms over time, those of us further down the journey. I’ve been doing well recently but had a weepy one the other day. I came home from a busy day at work, grabbed a brew and plonked on the sofa. I just put the telly on and it was ‘Bargain Hunt’ of all things!! It used to be on at mum and dads at the times I’d be round at theirs. More so when it was just dad as he had the TV on more after we lost mum. I just sat and cried as it just triggered the thought of me at their house sat on the sofa and dad would bring me a brew and some custard creams on a plate and Bargain Hunt would be on. It’s actually made me cry again now just writing this. The thought that dad will never brew up for me again breaks my heart. I still get more sadness than joy from such memories. Hopefully in time I will be able to smile at the thought of them. Mum said I would one day. I hope she was right. Hard isn’t it? 
Anyway, on that cheerful note I wish you all a good weekend! Lots of love Helen xxx
Hi Helen and all,
Just a short note from me as I have also had a tearful day. Trying to keep busy but Dad needs to have a PM - possible inquest which had knocked us sideways. Popped into Southampton to meet an old school friend who had known my parents well. Long story short my parents privately fostered her before it was even recognised as PF. I just go so tearful eating my lunch I almost felt faint. Seeing so many people shopping and going about their business as usual set me off. I just needed to get home. It’s the little things isn’t it… My Mum used to love deal or no deal and I can’t bear to see it on ( I usually don’t see it on but you never know). It’s good to cry ladies but I feel so morbid at the moment and catastrophising everything. My sparkle has left the building… Just reading about the death of Alex Salmond has also set me off. My Dad loved politics and was always in some sort of dialogue ( read argument ) with somebody on the tv. How I will miss this grumbling. Dad’s family were Scottish but he was born in Northumberland. ( family name Sutherland) signing off now but wishing all of us some peace and remember it is ok to vent on here. I have next week off to try and sort things but need to be back at work before the funeral. Not sure how I’m going to get through it but I will. Take care all. Jules xx
I live just 15 mins from Peppa Pig world Kate. Always used to take the children there. Hopefully this may make somebody chuckle or smile. Mr Tumble visited the afternoon we were there ( back in 2015). My friend was beside herself as she was besotted with him! I will leave it there … Jules x
Jules, wow we were there too in August 2015!!! Didn’t see Mr Tumble though.
I feel so nostalgic thinking about those happy times….
Thinking of you at this difficult time and sending love to everyone here.
K xxxx
Hi Kate and everyone,
That’s what I am doing Kate is thinking back to Nov and Dec two years ago.
A few strange things have happened this past week again almost to do with lights so I am wondering if mum can see me struggling and is helping me. I like to think so.
I am at my sister’s in London at the moment and it’s emotional as I brought more things up for her from mum’s house. It’s been too overwhelming for her so I have completely sorted her two dressers for her and displayed mums lovely china so beautifully. My sister had lots of tears but I have almost finished and she was so grateful for the help. Her china looks lovely displayed and I actually felt mum with us as we were sorting things.
Will do more tomorrow as it’s time to stop when it all gets too much.
Hope you are all ok girls.
Love Deborah xxx
Hiya Helen,
Aww it reminds me of my mum making a cuppa for me and custard creams ! I love the way you say brew lol. I miss so many things especially watching TV work her and her fussing about what snacks we could have. We would both have a selection of different cheeses, pickles, crisps, biscuits etc. And sometimes hot snacks like chicken wings, spring rolls etc.
I make them for Paul and Glyn and even use the same white bowls but it’s not the same.
Oooh Bargain Hunt!!! Glyn was in Nottingham last Thursday filming it so when it’s on next look out for his name on the credits. I used to watch it with mum too and can hear her saying she wouldn’t pay that much for something lol.
Perhaps we could all share what we’re out mum’s favourite TV programmes.
In Wales there is a programme called Pobl y Cwm which means People of the Valley. It celebrated it’s 50 yr anniversary this year. Mum watched it from the first episode and wouldn’t answer the phone,talk to anyone or do anything when it was on. She loved it and again Glyn was involved in the filming of it during the last three years so she was over the moon. I remember when she was in hosp on end of life he showed her photos of top secret filming so she would know what was going to happen. It was truly heartbreaking!
Another one of her favourites was Strictly come Dancing. Never missed it. She loved every minute of it.
I would love to hear what all your mum’s and dads loved watching.
Keep going everyone
Deborah x
Hi Milliemobs,
Aww Welsh!!! Whereabouts are you from?
I live in Haverfordwest in Pembrokeshire.
Hope you are getting through each day and feeling a bit stronger.
Love Deborah x
Hi Jules, that must be really hard, I’ve heard of this happening, a relative who died in hospital had this happen. It’s maybe more common when people pass away suddenly? I don’t know. I didn’t know Alex Salmond had died! I will need to watch the news. When I think of Peppa Pig world it always makes me think of Boris johnson and one of his crazy speeches where he randomly started talking about it 
a famous bojo moment. I find it really hard to watch Strictly as my mum and I followed it together. She loved some things on tv like quizes too, I miss her at these times. Take care, hopefully things will get easier for you once the funeral for your dad has passed. G xxx
Hi Everyone
How are you all? I’m okay but had bad news that one of my colleagues died today.
She was only 62 and had gone into retirement just 2 months ago and had recently met the love of her life apparently.
Life is just so cruel at times….
We really have to make the most of every day and try not to sweat the small stuff. 
Thinking of everyone and sending love.
K Xxx
Oh Kate that is really sad news . So sorry to hear about your colleague/ friend. Life is indeed cruel. A reminder for us to seize the day. I’ve been off work again this week and we have started clearing out Dad’s house. Starting with his bedroom. Was tough but I had my husband with me and my sister. We are doing things bit by bit day by day. I’m back to work next week but is half term the following week so a gentle return back. My education colleagues have been amazing. No pressure to return and paid compassionate leave for the two weeks. I could have longer but I feel ready to go back next Monday. I hope everybody is doing ok. I had my hair done today as I can’t believe how many greys have sprouted! I’ve been quite lucky to not have many at age 52 but since Dad passed they have doubled in number. Hairdresser got my hair looking good but I also think my face and skin look so sad - if you know what I mean! The grief looms large. Deborah I remember Pobol y cwm from my Swansea days! Two of my best friends were welsh speakers and used to enjoy teasing me with my absolutely abysmal welsh accent! Oh such fond memories of care free times. X
Oh no Kate, how awful. So young and with so much to look forward to. Heartbreaking 
None of us know what is around the corner do we? We really do have to try and make the most of things don’t we?
Since losing mum and dad I don’t get worked up about stuff so much. I think ‘I’ve just lost my mum and dad, I really cannot get worked up if the train is late or there’s a problem at work’ etc. Nothing will ever come close to what I’ve been through recently. Everything seems so trivial now. Losing my wonderful parents has been catastrophic in my life and I am changed forever. I struggle to find real joy now but I do try as do all of us. I started at my new clinic last week, and before, I would have been eager to finish to go round to mum and dads to tell them about it. It’s what Ive done all my life and now I can’t.
I’m going back to the choir tonight after a year off. It will be the start of Christmas rehearsals. I don’t know how I will be. I’m hoping it might desensitise me a bit for when it is actually Christmas which I now hate. Anyway, it will be nice to see my old friends again. Keep pushing forward
My heart just breaks for your colleague’s family. So shocking for them. Life is just so fragile.
Hope everyone’s doing okay. It’s raining here in Manchester. Hope your weekend goes well guys. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Jules, it’s so hard going through their stuff isn’t it? Almost feels intrusive but you know it has to be done and every letter and document has to be read in case it’s something precious. You will find some treasures that stop you in your tracks. I found my hospital name band from when I was born and a journal I’d written when I was 8 amongst other precious items. If your like us, you’ll cry and laugh in equal measures. My dad struggled after losing mum and never really picked up. His health went down and he always had a sad expression. When he died 11 months later part of me felt relief for him being free from emotional pain and back with mum. Of course the other part of me wanted him back in a heartbeat and to stay with me forever. Hope you’re doing okay. Going back to work is hard but it does give you some normality. Take care love Hxxx
Aww Kate that’s younger than me.
It hits home how precious life is and I agree with everything you have said.
One I get through this year I am definitely going to pull myself together more. I hate those words pull myself together but you know what I mean. I haven’t really done anything except exist for two years and my could be so cross with me for wasting my life.
I am going to try so harder next year.
I know this may sound trivial but bear with me girls.
When mum was ill in hosp and at home I tried to hide my tears and sat by her bed holding her hand, putting my head next to her to watch the stars and when i cried when it all got too much i hid behind the pillow on her bed and let the tears flow. In the hosp when tears came I made an excuse I needed to wash my hands and disappeared to the corner of the toon to compose myself.
I made all sorts of comments like I had something in my eye, needed the loo anything to give me two minutes to compose myself.
I feel guilty now for not crying in front of her even though I did sometimes I feel maybe she didn’t know how much I was upset. Did she think I was a hard person or couldn’t show my feelings?
I know this is grief getting the better of me and with the second anniversary bin Dec I am overthinking but it’s been niggling away at me for a while
I tried not to cry in front of her bec I didn’t want to upset her and wanted her to think there was always hope and not to give up
Sometimes this feeling is just torture.Nov and Dec is bringing back so many bad memories for me.Two whole months of hell to remember.
Sorry girls I just wanted to offload I guess
Sending love to everyone
Deb x
Aww Kate that poem is so lovely. Really sums up how we should carry on.
Thanks for sharing it
Deb x
Hiya Jules,
Aww how lovely you watched Pobl y Cwm
It celebrates 50 yrs this week and there’s a huge party in Cardiff tonight. My son is on his way there now.
Clearing your dad’s house will be very emotional. I did mums last March and like you I did it so lowly but by bit.
Looking back I didn’t want to do it and had left it for over 15 months but now I am glad I did it and it’s settled. I remember Kate going through the sale of her mum’s the same time as I went through my mum’s do It was lovely to have Kate to discuss any problems I encountered and also to know I wasn’t the only one feeling the emotions I did. I think I nearly went off my head with the emotional attachment to the house but you do eventually come through it.
Sending love to you
Deb x