Hi all, Deb that sounds like your Mum is really near you all the time, you must take huge comfort from that. I’m not sure I get signs from Mum although I believe the wee goldfinch birds in the garden and butterflies appear when am at my lowest. Especially the butterflies as there have been so few this year. I went to a Medium recently (it’s a group online thing, so rare to get a message), but the lady psychic/medium picked up on me going through a low point and not being myself. She also picked up on a smokey, Scottish music loving grandpa - it was interesting as I think this was my mum’s dad who she wasn’t close to at all for various reasons (and he died when I was very young). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I believe the people who love us and have passed away are watching over us, even those you least expect it to be! Deb, it will be great if you are able to get out more soon, it’ll happen when you’re ready am sure of it. I find it hard to go out in the morning (have always been a bit like this), and working from home has meant that I am finding this even harder nowadays. It’s like an anxiety about the start of the day. I used to find cycling to work a real anxiety reliever, as although it was sometimes scary on the roads, I felt I was in control and cycling helped me feel part of the world, like I was important too, and had somewhere to go! Also, the bus was expensive but more than anything, the social aspect of being on public transport has always given me acute anxiety (quite an issue in the big city!). Anyway, I will stop rambling on and hope that you and everyone else is doing well, Helen that’s fab you are visiting family in the US, that’s so exciting! and Jules, we are thinking of you and hope all is well. Kate, I have seen the candles in the local graveyard, so that must be a wider European tradition as it’s not something I had ever come across before - we have a big Polish and Lithuanian community here in Glasgow so I assumed it was them, but there are also a lot of people of Italian descent. Love, Gill xxx
Kate, I like the sound of that day of the dead. It sounds nice the cemeteries are packed with life of people remembering loved ones. I think that is the origins of Halloween. I suggested my church do a memorial service for Christmas where we can all light candles and put messages on the tree. And people can talk about loved ones. I feel like celebration carry some guilt with them that our loved ones can’t celebrate so why should we? I think a memorial service would be a lovely way to start all the Christmas events. Kind of giving permission to enjoy Christmas as it would be a public declaration that our loved ones are always with us. Just because we are celebrating doesn’t mean we’ve forgot them.
Also girls, you’ll be proud of me as I’m having my first family get together in nearly 2 years! I just felt it was time. I can’t do Christmas so am having a gathering on 9th for bonfire night. It will be tough as mum always arrived first with cakes and food even though she didn’t need to. I’m just going to crack on with it. Not sure if I’ve already told you this so sorry if I’m repeating. It’s just such a big step for me. Xxxx
Hi Girls
Well done Helen… it’s a big step forward to have a family get together and your mum and dad would be proud and happy that you are continuing family traditions. I’m sure you will all share memories and raise a glass to them!
The feather was most definitely a sign from your mum and dad. It’s uncanny.
The church remembrance service is also a lovely idea. I think I would feel comforted by going to church, but here with the catholic monologue sermons it’s just not the same as over there.
Deb you too have had so many signs with the lights… I wish I had a sign, it seems so long since I have had one.
Gill, I’m glad you found comfort in the medium. Mum went to see the famous medium Doris Stokes at a local seance meeting not long after dad died. I guess she was desperate for a sign and now I understand just how she felt. I’m so in awe of her courage and stoicism with those 2 major losses in 3 weeks. I’m just thankful that she had me to carry on for as she always said.
We too have sort of reignited a tradition. We put a few Halloween decorations around the house and outside with the pumpkin. We used to do it when Alex was younger, well up until 3 years ago and mum loved it so as we are having a buffet tomorrow evening with some friends. I thought I’d make the effort.
Love to all. Jules, you are in my thoughts.
K xxx
Hello everyone, I’m new here. Like many of you I’ve never posted on a forum or anything like this before. My dad died 14.5 years ago which was terrible but what brought me here was my wonderful mum dying six weeks ago yesterday. She was a couple of months off her 79th birthday. She was, she is, incredible, full of life, vibrant and healthy. That’s one of the hardest things, so healthy. She went into hospital with suspected long covid, was diagnosed with advanced cancer and died less than three weeks later. Luckily I made sure I got her home (learning from my poor dad) and my partner, dog and I were with her and held her as it happened. One moment she was telling me off (in her usual loving and very Irish way) and the next moment it all changed and we knew. A huge part of me still hasn’t processed any of this. And when I’m not crying I’m simply numb.
Sleep is a strange notion at the moment and that’s how I somehow found this forum and this thread.
I may sound mad but I’ve read every post from the start and, aside from seeing what a wonderful group you are, it’s helped me enormously. Knowing other people are out there feeling as empty and lost as I am, are learning to live new lives as different people, carrying their loss is a comfort.
But goodness, isn’t it hard?
I won’t keep writing now because I’ll not stop! I love a chat. But hello to you all, Lucy x
Hi Lucy and welcome to our little group!
I’m so sorry for you loss. It’s a terrible time for you now and you need to let yourself grieve anyway which feels right for you.
I’m glad that reading our messages has helped you and given you hope.
I’m 2 years in and although I miss my dear mum so much every day the grief does change to acceptance and it’s about starting to carve a new life, building it around the loss.
This place has been a lifeline to us all and we have built a real support network and friendship. We say our mums’ last gift to us all was guiding us to this forum and this incredible bond we share. Three of us have even met up even though we all live a great distance apart.
Please post whenever you need to, we all understand what you are going through and we can offer support.
Sending love and strength.
Kate xxx
Oh hi @Kate111 thank you so much. I did see that some of you had met, how lovely. Testament to you all and, as you say, absolutely our mums leading us here somehow. Love the idea that you’ve all had about posting things our mums liked or said, traits they had etc.
I keep questioning if it’s early days or not. My feelings swing so dramatically. Logically I know it is but also that it’s informed by grieving for my dad too, even though that was quite a few years ago.
Also, with it all being so sudden, a lot of the time it feels as though my mums just popped out or is in another room. We lived together and got on so very well. The longest I’ve ever been away from her until now is two weeks and then we would speak every day. I just lived her company.
Thank you for such a nice welcome. Lxx
Hi LucyMC,
Croeso (Welcome) to our group.
I am so sorry about your loss. Six weeks ago is still so raw and you are still in shock from everything. Take small steps each day and just try to get through each day somehow. It will take a very long time to process what’s happened so for now try to focus on your own wellbeing like resting and eating something no matter how small. For us all sleeping was and is still an issue and I personally found myself checking and posting on this site at all hours of the night just to keep me sane.
As Kate said we always say our mums led us in some way to each other on here as probably all of us have never used online sites like this before so our mums must have played a part in it.
I personally feel very touched that you have read all our posts. It must have taken you hours. When I read some of the posts we all posted in the very beginning they are heartbreaking as we were all so desperate. Our friendships have been our lifelines and I really mean that. It is so comforting to know that what we have written has in some small way helped you and persuaded you to reach out to us. We have gone through all sorts of emotions and sadly some have gone through grief twice on here which has devastated us all. We have chatted about all sorts and ranted and shared so much together. Some of us have indeed met up and hopefully there will be another reunion next year somewhere. Please feel free to post whenever you want to. Dont go through this on your own. We are here for you x
Yes it is hard and is the hardest thing all of us have ever experienced. But sharing is caring and we certainly care about everyone x
Sending love to you
Deborah x
Hello @seychelles thank you also for such a warm welcome. I too believe we were led here one way or another by our mums. Isn’t that wonderful? Even though I know we would all much rather not be here in this position at all. Yes, everyone’s posts got me through many of those very early sleepless nights and gave me such a sense of clarity somehow, hearing all of you in those darkest moments say the things I was thinking and feeling too.
You’re right, it’s so early and I am really just focussing on each day. Work, my dog, eating (not easy), trying to be kind to myself and my poor partner! Some days are filled with tears whereas others I’m just numb, well, more like even though I know my mums gone my body and heart simply don’t believe it. It feels as though she’s just in another room of our lovely house.
It’s so nice to know there is such support here.
I lost my dad a while ago now and I can’t imagine how awful it’s been for those posting here who have experienced such close bereavements. You are all so strong through all the pain and missing.
Hope you and everyone are managing as much as any of us can this week, especially now the nights are darker.
Much love, Lxx
Hi Lucy,
Lovely to see you posting.
You will feel numb for a very long time. Just go with it and no two days are the same. Just do whatever is right for you on each day. You may feel like doing a few things and some days you may just want to sit and do nothing. It’s fine to do nothing so don’t push yourself too hard. I used to feel guilty about doing nothing but now I realise and appreciate its all part of the healing process.
Your dog will be a great support right now Helen and Kate each have dogs and they talk about them often. Do you have a photo of your dog to share with us?
When you feel able to post about your mum. Just simple things like what did she like doing, hobbies, shops she liked to go to, clothes she liked to wear, funny things she said etc. It helps in just a small way. But only when you feel able to ok.
As Christmas approaches it will be two years since my mum passed and yes i feel so sad but I try to remember how she loved Christmas. She used to put lots and lots of Santas around the house as decorations. Big and small, fat and tin, ones on chairs sledges etc. She only ever loved having a Christmas card with a Santa on it lol. She even had one that lit up and did a sort of Christmassy jig to some annoying song lol.
I have kept them all but cant bring myself to put them out yet but one day maybe. It will take time.
She used to make Christmas so special.
Right I can feel the tears coming so I shall stop now.
Keep doing what you are doing because you will get stronger and we are here for you x
Deborah
Hi Kate, it’s good to hear you are having a get together. We’ve missed out on so much life. It’s time to start living again. The church has been great but it does need to be engaging. I get what you mean about the churches over there. Especially the Catholic ones I feel are more orthodox and traditional. Our vicar, Andy doesn’t even wear a dog collar. It’s a very warm place and seems to often say things I need to hear.
Has anyone followed Richard E Grant and his journey of grief? He lost his wife to lung cancer and a couple of days before she died, instructed him and their daughter to find a ‘pocketful of happiness in everyday’ What a lovely thing to do. He also said it gave him a licence to have fun as he’d feel guilty otherwise. I’m always interested in seeing other people’s grief journey as I find it reassuring and comforting.
How is Glyn doing with his new flat Deb? How far from you does he live?
Currently getting organised to go and see my daughter except I have to travel 4,000 miles! It’s worth it though.
Take care everyone on here, old friends and new Hxxx
Hi Lucy and welcome to this group. I hope you get comfort and guidance from all of us. We have all gained so much strength and solidarity from each other.
So very sorry for your loss and that you are having to use this group. How we all wish we didn’t need this. My mum too died very soon after a cancer diagnosis that came completely out of the blue as she was so fit and well. She seemed much younger than her 78 years. We lost her just 8 days after diagnosis! It’s hard to take in isn’t it? It takes a while for your brain to process such a loss but it will. I miss my mum desperately even nearly 2 years on but you do learn to live along side the grief. It becomes part of who you are. I still cry for my mum and my dad who I lost from cardiac arrest just 11 months later.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s such an individual thing. My advice is to go with it and cry as much as you need to. It’s very painful. I remember those early days being so bad I told my husband ‘I can’t survive this!’ I honestly thought I’d have a heart attack. You are just 6 weeks in. You are right at the beginning of this journey.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I promise, you’ll get through it in time. Take care Love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
I agree about all the difficult times we all had in the beginning. They were the worst ever. I can still see myself trying so hard to get through even one hour let alone a day.
I took thought I would never survive it. I kept thinking my chest hurts so much that I must be having a heart attack. The scary panic attacks over nothing and everything.
I am so glad Lucy has read about what we were all like. It may give her some reassurance that she was will eventually get to the stage where we all are. But we are all still struggling and that will never change
Glyn hasn’t finalised his flat yet so is still living here with us. It’s been 5 mths going through already and it’s taken forever. Holdups all the way with different things. The latest is about the ground rent. It’s fixed until 2029 and the management company cannot give any idea of what the cost will be when it expires. It’s only £150 at the moment but the solicitor has had to inform the bank so they could well refuse his mortgage. It’s been an absolute nightmare sorting out the different management packages so this is the next stumbling point
If it all goes ahead he will be living in Cardiff which is approx 90 miles away from us . Not far !!! Hopefully it will go through before Xmas as it’s been since the first week of June so far.
You have so much to look forward to seeing your family soon. So exciting!!!
Love Deb x
Hi Lucy and welcome to this thread. Sorry for the loss of your Mum and I hope you find some comfort from the wonderful people on here. I lost my wonderful Mum Dec 2022 and Dad just four weeks ago. Is hard to know which parent I’m grieving for some days but I know it’s both at the same time. I was much closer to Mum than Dad but seeing Dad decline after Mum passed was truly heartbreaking. His funeral is next Friday. Mum and Dad were married for 54 years - together for 62 years. Separated by Mum’s Alzheimer’s which lead her into care. Dad resisted for so long as he could not physically provide any more care. Is a cruel cruel disease seeing somebody fade in front of your eyes - which many illnesses do I know. I have guilt around Mum going into a care home and feel we forced Dad into that decision. Should I have given up work to care? The guilt seeps in day and night. However, in time I know I will make peace with the decisions we felt were right. They were given deep thought over a period of time. The lovely people on here will keep you going through dark times. I hope to be part of the meet up next year ladies! X
Aww Jules that would be amazing if you meet up with us along with everyone on here including the new ladies.
We will always feel guilty for something Jules. I know I do especially phoning 999 that night. We just have to hope in time we will come to terms with doing what we thought was the right decision at the time.
Will be thinking of you next Friday xx
Deb x
Thanks Deborah. I think if we are caring thoughtful people ( which no doubt we all are on this forum!) we will always question our actions etc. I know we all must have done what felt right at the time. It is only when we reflect we question ourselves. I know we did what was right at the time but I sometimes hear such flippant throwaway remarks my people. For example: in the supermarket last week I heard a woman say to a friend “ I would never be one of those selfish career people who chuck a parent into a home when it suits them “. Wasn’t aimed at me obviously but was hurtful - especially when on my way back from the undertakers for Dad. Until you find yourself in that situation you never know. Mum absolutely flourished in the care home and seemed happy there for the last 1.5 years of her life. Dad visited 3/4 times a week and myself / family every weekend. Dad couldn’t cope. Even writing this I feel like I’m justifying our decision. Was heartbreaking but the right choice for my Mum. Xx
Hi Jules,
I know what you mean about flippant remarks. But remember we are far more sensitive and alert to them while we are grieving so much. People just dont think before they open their mouths and some have very big mouths.
I remember when I had Glyn I had all sorts of remarks like Mothers should stay home and look after their children, disgusting putting a child in after school club, putting a child in a welsh language school is pointless, taking a baby on an aeroplane, even using disposable nappies lol.
If I had listened and done what many people so called thought I should do Glyn would never have reached where he is today and neither would I have during my fabulous career. We wouldn’t have the lifestyle we have had and so on.
Always remember teh saying my mum told me and that is
" Dont worry about people who dont worry about you" which also means dont worry about what people say either!!!
Some people are very judgemental!!! and just talk rubbish even if we do sometimes overhear conversations.
My husbands mum has just gone into a lovely Home near where she lived and its absolutely lovely. She has her independence back and the care she receives is exemplary. She was cared for by family taking it in turns to man being with her 24/7 and had to rely on carers 3 times a day. She basically ate what the family took over for her and had to have baths when the carers could fit her in . Now she has choices for teh first time for a long time. Has a lovely seaview and couldn’t wish for a nicer room. She has friends her own age there and is thriving now she is not stuck in her chair in her flat.
My husband feels the same as you as his mum has only been in there one week. Guilt is a huge emotion that is going to be like our shadow for a while but we will get through it eventually.
If you hear anything that upsets you again just say to yourself this is grief making me feel guilty and carry on walking.
You are doing so well and keep telling yourself that.
Sending love x
Deb x
Please can we start getting some dates together to meet up. I work every Wednesday Thursday and Friday but I can book annual leave depending on which day suits. It might be easier for Kate to decide as she has to fly over and we can all work around that. April/may? We can get the date sorted and then work out where. I’ll travel anywhere. Let’s start planning xxxx
Hi,
Anytime in April or May is fine with me. I will fit in with you all.
Deb x
Hi,
I am in West Wales.
Helen is in Manchester
Kate is in Italy
Gill is in Scotland
How about everyone else?
x
I am in Romsey, Hampshire ( just outside Southampton). I work full-time but as I work in Education I have the holidays off! Which no doubt differ to other areas of the Uk just to confuse things further! I think I may be one of two of us with a young ish child ( 13 yrs sohave to factor Jame’s shifts in). I could do a Saturday though as well as the Easter Hols fortnight or May bank holiday? I can fit around you all. Where about in Scotland do you live Gill? We got back from a short break in Edinburgh yesterday. I have a Scottish surname and looked into the Sutherland clan history while I was there. We have Scottish and Welsh blood in our family.! X