Hi Deborah and everyone, hope you are all okay and yesterday wasn’t too traumatic. I think if that’s what you needed to do Deb, going to bed, then that was being kind to yourself. I actually had a good day yesterday. We went for a longish walk in the afternoon and I had a brandy in the pub. I’m not a drinker but I do like a brandy at Christmas. We had dinner at 5pm with my sister and her hubby joining us. I did wear mums Christmas pinnie Deb. All hers and nana’s mismatched crockery on the table and mums Christmas tablecloth. I have mums best dinner service set but I couldn’t use that as it was too triggering thinking of all the Sunday dinners, Christmas dinners and the special occasions she used it for. All the mismatched day-to-day stuff was fine. I did feel mum and dad were with us. We did a toast to all of our loved ones not with us but who are still loved so much. Then later my nephew and his partner came so we all watched a couple films together. It was nice.
Today I have woken up feeling a bit anxious. What disaster will happen today? I feel like tears are simmering. I’m expecting a bit of a meltdown at some point. I’ll just have a bath later and have a good cry there. I know no one minds me crying but it does upset my son so I will try and have a proper cry in private. Dad died suddenly last Boxing Day and mum went in hospital the Boxing Day before. I couldn’t face going to the football match today so I think me and my son, James will go for a walk. He’s feeling it too 
my aim is to just make it to bed tonight with everyone safe. My heart rate has gone up just writing this! I need a couple of uneventful Christmases to start feeling better.
Like Kate mentioned, I do find the Facebook memories can catch me out. There’s a lot of them this time of year. My sister suggested posting something else so that overrides the painful ones that come up. Anyone on Facebook will understand
Wishing you all peace and calm. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Lucy, I totally get not wanting to wish this year away and that sense of being further away from your mum. I think we’ve all mentioned that at some point. Mum died nearly 2 years ago but it was Jan 23 so I’ve been able to say ‘last year’. It makes her feel closer. In the new year I’ll have to say 2 years ago and I find that quite a hard reality. Also, when you say to people I lost my mum and dad last year, they understand more the grief I still feel. I feel like people will think after 2 years I should be ‘over it’ by now. I sometimes still think ‘are mum and dad really not here?!!’ I was so close to them both. I sometimes think it’s a blessing and a curse being so close to someone as I’m blessed to have had them for 51 years but, my god, the agony of losing them is indescribable. I’m signing off now as I’ve made myself cry, again! 
Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Kate, oh that made me so sad for Alex. I remember my first Christmas of not believing and it felt so different to the previous Christmases. He will adapt and find new joys and excitement for Christmas. He has the added change of not spending Christmas with his beloved granny in Gloucestershire. Everything he knew Christmas to be has changed. It’s like a double whammy for him and so much to get his head around. I can understand he’s finding it difficult. I wouldn’t be surprised if when he’s older he spends a Christmas in Gloucester at some point. Once the pain eases there is something comforting about nostalgia. It feels safe and brings out the happy emotions you felt at the time. We will all get there one day even though it will always be tinged with sadness. Lots of love and can’t wait to see you in March Hxxx
Hi Helen,
You did do well yesterday. Honestly well done.
I actually feel better today and in a much better mood.
Maybe because yesterday is all over and I see today as a fresh start but then the 30th is soon so I shall be back at square one!!!
But just taking one day at a time and for today I shall enjoy the feeling I am in at the mo.
Thinking of you but especially today. I remember you posting last year and I felt life is so cruel.
Looking back I don’t know how you and Jules have come through it losing both your parents in such a short time. It’s been truly heartbreaking for you both and your families and for us to read.
Hope you find some quiet moments for yourself today.
Love Deb x
Hi Debs, I’m glad you are having a positive mood change. I know ‘the day’ is looming for you. I was okayish yesterday. I had an uneasy feel all day that something bad was going to happen but thankfully it was a very uneventful day. I even did a 5/6 mile walk alone. Just me and Mary 
we walked to a pub and I got myself a mulled wine. They had morris dancers and carols. (I’ll post some pics of my walk). It was a really misty day which gave it a hushed feel. I enjoyed the solitude and then the business at the pub. I came home and relaxed for the rest of the day in front of the TV and fire 
I wasn’t settled properly until this morning knowing everyone is safe! You just don’t know how it’s going to be so you? I was better than I expected but I suppose it could have gone either way. I have been thinking about us all throughout Christmas but especially you Debs on 30th. It is comforting knowing you are not alone. Even though we won’t physically be with you we will be in unity with you in this grief journey. Sending lots of love Hxxx
Great photos Helen x
Hello all,
Firstly, Helen and Jules, how are you? I’ve been thinking of you both lots the last few days.
Helen, the mulled wine with Mary sounds perfect. And maybe nice to have that alone time, not alone though but with a doggy companion. I’m glad the day wasn’t as tough as it might have been. We can never tell, can we? It can be such an ordinary day that suddenly gets me. The pictures of the walk are fab. It does look so peaceful then merry. Things I’m sure your mum would have appreciated with and for you.
We sound the same in wanting to keep them close and I don’t believe in rushing to get over things. We are all processing, at different stages and coming to terms with living new lives that we didn’t ask for!
You’re spot on, I keep thinking of how close I was (and am) to my mum and dad, how they’re gone and how much suffering that causes, the pain and longing. But, as we’ve all said, I have to make myself understand that’s the price for that bond. And would’ve always happened at some point. I’d never be ready for either of them to go. I feel we are all the same on here. We’re just unlucky in how things happened.
Deb, thinking of you too. As if this time of year wasn’t tough enough.
Yesterday was my mums birthday and was very hard. I felt numb but also deeply deeply sad. Although I do feel that most days. It was more thinking about her as a young woman with no idea of all that life was going to bring her. Good and bad.
What keeps striking me is these long periods of sort of disbelief. I still can’t quite believe she’s gone and it all happened in such a rush over a few short weeks. I can’t believe this is me now. And I feel as though I’m almost waiting for someone to say “ok, it’s over now, here she is” and there my mum will be. She still feels so close and not at all gone. But then as I think that she feels incredibly far and I feel so alone. Does anyone else relate? I know that’s not a good description but it’s hard to put into words.
Thinking of you all and sending love.
Lxx
Hi all! Hope you are all getting on ok, or as well as can be. I’m at home in Kintyre with dad and we’ve done ok. I felt better on christmas day this year. Last year I was a grief stricken, angry mess. I still miss mum very much but it is less raw. I managed to not cry during Call the Midwife or Dr Who Christmas specials (Dr Who this year has a strange but very moving ending), I couldn’t describe it to my dad (he fell asleep and missed it). I was afraid I’d open the floodgates. It is about a young girl who loses her mum during the pandemic, but she is unable to visit her in hospital due to restrictions. So she visits a time travel hotel to be able to see her mum again. In the end, they become stars, watching the world together from above. I desperately wanted to cry properly but it would upset dad.
Helen, your walk looks beautiful, Derbyshire must be ideal for getting out to walk and find peace. I’d love a wee dog to share walks with, but am not sure my lifestyle would allow it, dogs are maybe better in families with lots of people to look after them? I dunno how I’d do it really… maybe a cat would be better for me… one followed me along the street last night <3
Lucy, I do relate to the feeling mum not being here is all a bad dream that can end. I’d get this anxiety about never seeing mum again, she’d never been out of contact, ever, i still find this hard, especially on Sundays (it was a Sunday she took her stroke and never woke from it). Today (Sunday), my dad was outside tidying in the garden and i asked him, “will I make us a coffee?” And he said yes, he’d be in in 5 minutes. I just wished it was mum saying this rather than me. I think our mums are still close though, just in a different way. Their love still is very much here with us. Gill xxx
Gosh Gill, that Dr Who ending would certainly make me cry!
I’m glad this year was a bit easier for you though.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? All of it… missing them, the moments of it not feeling real. And so many moments where I’m worried or unsure and the only person I want to ask isn’t here. I know my mum would understand exactly why I feel the unreality and would explain it perfectly to me. I’d immediately feel settled and ok. But I don’t have that anymore.
We’ve got to get used to it haven’t we? It’s a long journey I suppose.
Dogs are such a joy, animals in general and I find such comfort in them. I always have actually. I’m very lucky to have my little dog who was with my mum and me for almost 14 years, in fact his 14th birthday was the day of her funeral.
It’s all so strangely connected!
Thinking of you at home wishing your mum were there - as you say, I’m sure she is, just in a way we don’t quite understand.
Lxx
Hi Girls,
How are you? Lucy… I totally get you. Now it’s over 2 years since mum died and at times it still seems like maybe it’s just a bad dream.
I also understand about the passing of time.
We are nearly at the end of the year and I remember that first new year 2 years ago. I didn’t want to go into a new year as I felt as though I was leaving mum behind. Then again 2022 wasn’t all bad I felt, even if it was the worst year of my life. However I thought I got to have mum with me for 3/4 of it so it could not have been that bad!!! Maybe that day, that month was the worst of my life, not the year.
2023 into 2024 was possibly worse as it was the first full year without mum in my life. Passing of time with grief is complicated as I’ve said here before. New Year’s Eve has never been a day I enjoyed anyway, well before mum passed.
Lovely photos Helen. I really do miss the English countryside. 
Well done for getting out!
I’m sure you are now relieved that Boxing Day is over.
We are back home now, let’s say the end of our mini break went a bit pear shaped. I was throwing up all Christmas night and Valerio and I were knocked out all Boxing Day with stomach issues. I think it was a virus. Poor Alex couldn’t go skiing and had to stay in the room all day… 
Anyhow I’m glad it’s over.
We all got through it as hard as it was.
Thinking of you Deb and everyone at this time as the end of the year looms.
Love and hugs,
K xxxx
Yes, that’s exactly it, for me too, she gave me such a sense of relief, so can totally relate to this Lucy. I don’t feel ready to deal with it all but like you say, maybe we never would be ready to lose them. Always just knowing mum was there and I could ask her anything helped relieve worries. I guess our mums know us better than we know ourselves! I think I’m a bit less anxious this year, but understand that kind of panicky feeling that seems to come out of nowhere. Take care, hope everyone’s weekend has been ok xxxx
Hi girls,
Have just been reading your messages.
Have been at Glyn’s new flat for the past couple of days and came home tonight to get more things. On the way home I thought I can’t go back to Cardiff tonight bec I just want to be with mum. So Paul and Glyn went back to cardiff with another load of things and I am home. Mum’s anniversary of her death and it seems appropriate that I am here at home alone with her.
I had a real sobbing session just now. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know why my eyes looked so strange. They were a purple color with bags underneath. Never seen them before like that
Think it’s a combination of getting old and crying but omg it freaked me out but never mind.
I am here with my lovely inspirational mum
Wish you were still here mum. We still had so many places to go to and see and go together. I miss you so much every second of every day.
I just wish with every beat of my heart she was still here. I feel lost and so lonely without her.
Can feel the tears coming again so will stop now
Thinking of you all girls and thank you for being there
Deb x
Hello all. So lovely to read your messages and have been thinking of you all as we all pass through another Christmas without our Mum and for some of us our Dad also. I have been feeling very low this Christmas and wanted to cancel Boxing Day. I was cooking and couldn’t stand the thought of entertaining people just wanted to stay in bed. I’m up and down most days still and in many ways in feeling worse than ever. I think the reality of losing both my parents over the last two years is sinking in. Has felt a bit surreal until now… Seeing the empty bare house over the holiday has been dreadful. Our home was once so alive with laughter and family - how so many of us squashed in for the day was beyond me. Now it’s empty and probate applied for. Will write again when I’m feeling more positive. Xx
Hi Deb, so sorry you’ve had a tough day but it was always going to be difficult as those emotions are heightened on anniversary. You did the right thing staying put and letting the boys go to Cardiff. I just wanted solitude on Boxing Day (dad’s anniversary) it is good to be alone with your thoughts. That’s a lovely picture you have there. Thinking of you and your mum. Sending lots of love and hugs, Helen 
Hello Helen. Have also been thinking of you. I hope you found some peace on Boxing Day. Is tough isn’t it. I’m crying more now than ever before. I just have this overwhelming urge to want to go back in time and see my parents when they were younger and without illness and tell them how much I love them x
Oh Kate, what a relief. Sometimes I feel like I’m going a bit mad!! I still think 2 years is nothing. I remember that time from when my dad died and it was so raw. Still is 14 years later. It doesn’t change, we just get to keep going because our parents made us strong and gave us so much. And it’s so good to know there are lighter times, as you say. We absolutely have to find a way to have moments to enjoy even the smallest thing, don’t we? And I agree, I’ve never been a big New Year’s Eve person, nor were my mum and dad! A glass of fizz and the sofa is my preferred which I know is super boring haha.
Hope you’re better from the tummy bug, that sounds awful. Covid central remains with me!
Gill, that’s all I think of, several times a day. Probably sounds pathetic but there’s so much I want to message her or call or see her and ask. But I know we have to remember we are lucky to have ever had that. Just have to remind myself not to be angry and feel it’s all unfair, you know? Aren’t we lucky to have had, and have, such reassuring mums? As you say, they knew us so well. My mum would always say “even when you’re 80, you’ll be my little girl”. Makes me cry just typing it. But it was true. They knew us inside out, didn’t they? I’m glad the anxiety is lessening for you.
Oh Deb, I’m so sorry, you sound so sad. The thing is, it’s sometimes good to be alone (in small bursts) and let it out. Forget age, as my mum would always say!, you’re just so sad. So much that you could’ve done together. But I bet that would’ve been the case at any time. I m sure it would. Again, however hard, remember how lucky you are to have had what you had and now to feel this. It’s tough but it really means something.
We are all so lost but I’m sure your mum is close to you, we really just don’t understand how or where.
I had such a strange thing happen on the 28th, my mums birthday, I’ll explain in another post.
Jules, I think constantly about wanting a moment back in time. I’d give anything. It would be so hard but I’d bear it just for a second with my mum or dad or both of them. I totally understand. Please just be kind to yourself. I think we will always all feel this, ladies. But we will learn how to be happy in the bits in between. And if I can tell anything from what I’ve read (in these awful months for me), I am sure that’s what our mums (and dads) would’ve been wanting for us. None of them would have been ok with us being so desperately sad without them. I know my mum for one would’ve pulled me up sharp!
Thinking of you all and sending even more strength than you already have.
Lxx
Hiya Girls,
Well the day has ended as the saying goes
I got through it with holding back tears and crying a lot. But hey who wouldn’t?
Hell of an emotional day. Firstly seeing how. Other people react then working in your ok emotions bits a strange one.
I miss my mum so much. I miss the life we had tog, the things we. Shared ,the places we visited and most importantly the fun we had…That’s the Hong I can’t ever replace.
There’s such a huge void I can’t fill anymore
Am so sorry I am feeling so down I promise not to be like this next time I post. I wish you all knew mum bec you would have loved her do much.
Am off to sleep now as got o get to I’d of this horry day
Love to you all girls. I jus to feel so down tonight but don’t want go impact you. I will be ok tom
Deb x
Deb, please don’t apologise for feeling down. And don’t stop being your true authentic self on here. If you feel down, go ahead and tell us. That’s what we’re here for. To listen to each other and vent. We can’t always be true to our loved ones as we don’t want to bring their mood down. I’d have loved to have met your mum and all of your mums but we didn’t. The good thing about that is we don’t have an emotional attachment to each other’s mums so us venting our feelings doesn’t have the same impact than it would on those that knew and loved them. Hope that makes sense! What I’m trying to say is; vent as much as you like. This is a safe place to do that. It gives reassurance to myself and others when we know we aren’t alone in these feelings.
I miss my mum and dad every second of every day. They are on my mind all the time. I woke up at 3am and my mind was on them. My life is so different now. The brightness has dimmed and I have to seek out any joy. Even joy that I have now is muted. I can’t go and tell mum and dad about a holiday or an outing or an achievement and it breaks my heart. I can’t live a miserable life though so I have to push myself.
I’ve set myself a challenge of doing one fun thing a month in 2025. I’m already planning things. I’m calling it ‘The 12 joys from Christmas’ 
. Actually my ‘March joy’ is meeting up with you girls. Really looking forward to getting this planned very soon xx
I have mums 2 year anniversary on 15th January and just after that we are going for a weekend away to the Cotswolds. That’s my ‘January joy’ ticked off. It’s just giving me positive goals.
I’m absolutely sick of grieving. It’s taken so much of my life. I can’t just switch it off as it will always be there for the rest of my life but I want to learn to make it ‘shush’ more. I can’t ever imagine not crying for mum and dad as I will miss them always and miss the life I had with them in it but I need to start focussing on the people I have who are in my life now and invest more time in them.
I know the 15th will be a very difficult day for me. Like you Deborah, I think I’ll just want solitude. That’s okay. I feel like I lost dad too the day mum died as he was never the same again. He never picked up from losing her. 15th January will always be an awful day for me.
Cry as much as you need to without feeling guilty. The impact of losing our mums is massive for all of us. Anyone who copes with such loss okay wouldn’t be searching online for help. All of us on here had a need to search for any hope, a chink of light in our deepest darkness. That’s why we are all kindred spirits because we’ve all felt that massive loss so much. Keep posting honestly. Everyone. We aren’t getting further away from them. We are getting closer to seeing them again as our lives move on. That’s what I believe anyway.
Wishing you all peace in this coming new year. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Jules, I’ve been thinking about you. It’s an awful feeling isn’t it, life without both parents. Not just missing them for who they were but missing a life with them in it. Yes, it was tough on Boxing Day but I wasn’t the crying wreck I thought I’d be. I had a bath later and a good cry then. Splashed my face and went back downstairs to enjoy the evening with Tom and my son James. I’d say one of the lasting effects is my sense that everything is so temporary. I can almost hear the clock ticking. I remember both mum and dad being the age I am now and it seems like just a few short years ago. And now they are gone. I know it isn’t healthy to think like this all the time but I also know it’s a psychological effect of losing mum and dad. Probably a bit of post traumatic stress maybe? I also have a sense that I’m going to lose someone else. I’m trying to work on changing my mindset. If it starts to be overwhelming I’ll seek counselling which I’ve never had before but will do it if I feel the need. Hopefully these irrational thought will ease.
Sending lots of love Hxxx