In June 2019 I lost my husband of 40 years from complications of diabetes, he was 60 .He’s had both legs amputated above the knee, was on peritoneal dialysis which he did at home,I cared for him for 4 years . His death was devastating. Then on January 4th this year I come home from shopping to find my youngest son dead in his bed .He was 29, he’s taken an overdose of his prescription pain killers. Hed collected his prescription the day before. He had suffered with his mental health before his Dads death , he self referred again in December but didn’t keep his appointment. He told them he wasn’t coping with his Dads death.We didn’t know about this until he died , the police informed us. He didn’t leave a note and as he abused his prescription medication, a narrative verdict was given at his inquest. The coroner said although it was a huge amount to be an accidental death , because he had been known to abuse his meds there was an element of doubt. The night before he died he took a paper weight containing his Dads ashes to his room because " I want Dad with me ". I’m ridden with guilt because I didn’t check on him before I went shopping, his sleep pattern was erratic and it wasn’t unusual for him not be up early. The last couple days he seemed withdrawn , I asked if he was ok. He said he didn’t feel well, I asked if needed to speak to someone , he said no he thought he was coming down with a cold. I feel I’ve let him down .
I’ve had 15 weeks of counselling which finishes tomorrow, I’m constantly crying, have flash backs to finding him. Im so tired, I miss them both so much. I have 3 more son’s who live with their partners, and a beautiful grandaughter, lockdown has been horrendous. Life is so lonely, I do see my son’s but I still feel alone. There was people at my son’s funeral,I hope he knew how he was loved.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost both your husband and your son - that is so much for one person to face. It is sad to hear that your son’s death was possibly suicide or an accidental overdose, and that you are suffering from guilt over not checking on him. Guilt can be a very common part of grief, but it sounds as though your son kept his problems hidden from you.
I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to be able to share things here. The people on this site have all lost loved ones and will understand some of what you are going through. While you wait for more replies to your post, you may wish to read other posts in the Losing a Partner and Losing a Child categories to see what other people’s experiences have been.
For example, in this conversation, you can see posts by @KarenM and @gail1, who have both lost sons to suicide: I lost my son by suicide. And in this conversation, you can find @Jackie012008, who lost one of her sons to a drug overdose: Lost Both sons. Please feel free to post a reply in any conversation if you see someone you would like to talk to.
As well as posting here, there are some other organisations that can offer further support:
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide: https://uksobs.org/
Bereaved by Alcohol and Drugs: https://www.beadproject.org.uk/
Hi. Jshell. You have already seen the post from Priscilla but I would like to add my bit. Where do I begin with you in so much pain? Words are totally inadequacy to describe how you must feel, but they are all we have to communicate with. Please try and not feel guilt. Difficult, and I know only too well what that feels like. But we have no control over such events. We did what we did at the time and what we thought right. How were you to know what would happen? You have certainly not ‘let him down’, no way! You cared and have no doubt been a good mother. Recriminations are so out of place in this awful grief. We can all look back with hindsight and maybe could have done better. But hindsight can be a cruel master. Having a family around you helps, but we can still feel lonely in a crowd of well meaning people. Isolated, cut off from the world and its activities. I know! Try and look after yourself. I am sure that it is what both your loved ones would have wanted.
Blessings. John.