Hi. Jay. I was not suggesting doing it all now, that’s not possible, but later when you feel more able you may want to ease your mind a little by beginning to sort things out. It took me a few months to pluck up the courage, but I am glad now I did. Of course you can’t tell what you will do in time. Not at the moment. Take care. John.
That’s ok. I hear what you are saying
Dear Jonathan, I don’t think for one moment you are being unkind, inconsiderate or selfish when you question the wisdom of keeping a loved one’s possessions around for too long. However the circumstances of a death can certainly affect the subsequent grieving process. Part of my brain accepts my husband has died because he is no longer with me but the other part just cannot believe how it happened. Sudden death however it occurs is like a physical blow to the head in addition to the blow to the heart for those left behind. When I arrived at the hospital and was told my husband had died I went into such profound shock I have yet to emerge eight months on. I have likened it before to concussion or what I imagine it to be like. Separating fact from fiction is a constant daily battle.
We all know we are not immortal but I don’t imagine many of us go through life preparing for death. If we do it possibly reassembles those depictions of death in films, particularly that of a very elderly person, lying quietly in beautiful bed linen surrounded by a loving family with nothing left unsaid. Real life as we know is nothing like that.
In today’s terms my husbands life ended prematurely at 64. Talking one minute, dead the next. I haven’t begun to sort his possessions because I can’t compute that the books he was in the middle of reading with bookmarks will not be finished. Frozen in time.
The thought of folding his clothes is unthinkable and the new shirt he bought days before he died remains where it is.
When my father died last June aged 97 we were all very sad but it was not accompanied by shock. My mother is afflicted obviously by deep deep sadness after 72 years of a very happy marriage but there isn’t that rawness and anger of a life lost too soon.
Miss Havisham was jilted at the altar. For her it was like a sudden bereavement. All the hopes for the future gone in an instant. she wasn’t suffering from depression just the overwhelming paralysis of grief for the life she was unable to live with the person she loved.
I wish I knew how to move to the stage where I accept my husband isn’t coming home. I just don’t know how to do it either physically or emotionally.
My husbands life was far from incomplete but it will forever remain uncompleted. Our story together lacks the happy ending we all hope for.
I know so many others are experiencing this agony and how we cope is as personal as our grief. I haven’t found a way yet but appreciate different view points.
Take care
4 Likes
You are so right. We were in the prime of our life enjoying every minute together. I’m 49 and never expected to be in this position of losing my wife. We have no children so only me at home. We both have our own wardrobes do her clothes can stay there as long as I want.
The pain to too much to even think about making changes
2 Likes
I have Micks jeans still in the side of bed where he last threw them I put them back there when changing bed nothing been touched of his. When I feel ready he has some lovely clothes I will get 2 blankets made of some of them like a throw to go over bed. It’s all when we are ready his trainers are still in my conservatory. Take care x
I can’t imagine ever removing my wedding ring Jay. Why would anyone do that? We’re still married. We didn’t divorce. xx
6 Likes
Absolutely Kate. Unthinkable not to continue wearing it. X
5 Likes
Hi. Jobar, and what a lovely reply to my post. I agree about the shock of losing someone like an aged parent. I lost my mother and father some years ago, but although I mourned it was nothing like I feel now. When we are so physically close to someone it makes a lot of difference. But loss is loss and losing a parent can be as traumatic for some as losing a partner. I never underestimate the pain of loss wherever it comes from. Yes, premature death is always so very painful because we know that for the rest of our life we may well be alone and all our plans have gone.
Miss Havisham (sorry for the incorrect spelling), was caught up in memory and was unable to overcome the pain of being jilted. But her loss was someone’s gain. But sitting at the wedding table for ever is ‘giving up’ entirely. Unlike ‘giving in’ to emotions and feelings she seemed to be bottling them up, almost nursing them for some sort of comfort.
This can happen to us if we are not aware of the dangers. It will happen that you become to accept what has happened. It took me a while but it does happen. ‘Time will heal’ and ’ we must move on’ are useless remarks to someone so early in bereavement. Take care and try and be kind to yourself. Very important!
Hi Jonathan, I appreciate your positivity and I do accept that personality plays a part in how we react. I have probably always been a glass half empty person. Ironically, my husband was definitely a glass half full person with huge enthusiasm for life. I also acknowledge that traumatic loss is equally bad regardless of the relationship. I am aware of that every day of my life as I live with our younger son who was with my husband when he collapsed so suddenly. Both my sons miss their father beyond belief. in a different way from me but equally painful and life changing. The fact I wasn’t with my husband adds to my distress although I wouldnt dream of minimising the trauma of watching someone you love fade before your eyes. It doesn’t help that like a few others on this site I have unresolved issues regarding the care of my husband not just by our less than efficient GP but also how he was treated so callously after death. I am waiting to hear from the various people we have contacted regarding this including the hospital CEO and our MP but trying to get a timely response even when promised is proving more than a little challenging.
As for Miss Havisham, well I could never see her predicament as her loss being someone else’s gain. Not sure anyone so cruelly jilted would ever be that magnanimous. I also believe some broken hearts just never mend and learning to live that way is proving daunting. I had no illusions about life being easy - no-one escapes life’s ups and downs but heartbreak is the ultimate emotion we all hope to avoid.
I realize this is a deeply personal reaction and throughout history the resilience of the human spirit has been proven time and time again. I wish I could say I take encouragement from that fact rather than be mystified by it.
I know many on this site take comfort from your messages of support and I in no way wish to undermine your caring outlook. Perhaps one day I might gain a more positive approach. I’m just not there yet. Thank you for trying.
Take care
4 Likes
I must apologise for my ignorance, but I was thinking of Pip and how he benefited from his benefactor who was not, of course, Miss Havisham, but the escaped convict. My Dickens has not always been good.
Blessings. John.
Hi I don’t come on here very often now but always read how people are coping my wife’s ashes I had a little put in a pendant and wear it always plenty to chose from on amazon don’t hold back on crying its like a safety valve you will find you feel a little calmer after look out for signs I am a great believer that they are still with us and one day we will be together again hope it gets less painful as time goes on
Hi Jen, so so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved husband, best friend and my whole world 6 months ago. He was the only person I confided in and the longer it goes on, I realize nothing can fill it. I spend most days in bed crying and longing for him. My family don’t understand that is why I get comfort from this forum as you all feel the same, love cob
So true. Others don’t understand unless you was in a loving relationship. Going through it you realise why some people never recover from their loss. Others just don’t understand
Hi Cob. Thank you for those kind words. His funeral was yesterday and I’m on my own in the house for the first time. I’ve pressed some roses from the spray which is a comfort. I’m deliberately doing things differently now. Nothing drastic but with the support of my family I feel the need to move forward. That doesn’t stop me having a weep but I must make a life for myself now. Xx
1 Like
I am trying to get myself in that mind set too
But I get so anxious and I find myself right back at the beginning again
I worry irrationally that something will happen to my grown up daughter and I drive her mad with checking up that she is ok
My little dog was ill and I ended up in floods of tears at the vets cos I thought I would loose her as well
I am just so wobbly and insecure
Sue
Kate and Jobar,
My wedding ring is my most prized possession, I shall wear it while ever I live. x x x
4 Likes
Bless you Sue. Remember you can’t rush anything. You mustn’t put extra pressure on yourself and everyone does things differently. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with grief. I have cried until I have nothing left to cry but suddenly I feel very peaceful. That doesn’t mean tomorrow I won’t be sobbing again. The lovely people here have said take one day at a time and that’s all you can do. Don’t beat yourself up. Jen xx
1 Like
Reading this was helpful
1 Like
Hi Kate I do so agree with you about our Wedding rings the thought of taking it off horrifies me. Ron and I used to say to each other that when the first one goes it doesn"t mean we are not married we still are and I love him more and more each day. Love and hugs to you. xxxx Carol xxxx
1 Like
I worry about my wedding ring cos she be lost a lot of weight and I’m scared I’m going to lose it
I wear his ring around my neck at the moment or if I’m not I put it on his memorial candle my friend gave me and which I will never light
I’m still married I hate the word widow !!
1 Like