Everything has changed

Losing a parent
#1

I lost my Mum on 8th December. I was her only child and she was a single parent all my life so we had a very close and intense relationship.

I have a partner but we don’t have any children. Since my Mum passed, I feel that I have changed forever and I will never be the person I was when my Mum was here. I also feel incredibly alone as there is no-one who loves me like my Mum loved me and there won’t be anyone here for me as I was here for my Mum. I’m not being self-pitying but it’s just a sobering thought that there really isn’t anyone. It really does change the way you view the world and yourself.

I miss my Mum so much, it is getting worse. She was part of me and I still can’t believe she isn’t here. Every day I wake up and it hits me again as if it’s new. I do feel as though I’m going insane with grief, it’s like a tidal wave that keeps hitting me and you can’t go anywhere with it, nothing eases the pain.

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#2

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum @NJL. I can really hear how much she means to you and how raw this is all feeling for you. Firstly, I wanted to say how valid your feelings are and that you’re not alone in how you are feeling. Loosing someone so close is one of the hardest things to ever go through and it’s understandable to hear that you feel everything has changed.

You mentioned that you feel things are getting worse, I was wondering if you’re receiving any support outside of the community at the moment?

If you are looking for more support, we offer free online counselling here at Sue Ryder.

I also wanted to share a few other posts from members of the community here who have also lost their mums. Feel free to take a read below whenever you feel ready. There’s one post here - Losing Mum 💔 and also another one here - Struggling to cope after losing mum

Keep posting here whenever you need to, we’re here for you always :yellow_heart:

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Lost both my parents
#3

Hi NJL,

I could have written your post. My mum was 74 when she had a sudden brain haemorrhage, 20 months ago, and died a few hours later.

We lived together, she did my child care, was adored by my daughter and partner and the two of us would shop and lunch and do everything together.

I am completely changed without her. I just tolerate life and just try to get through each day as best as I can.

I completely understand how you feel.

Cheryl x

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#4

Thank you, Aife. I did register for the Sue Ryder counselling and was very kindly offered an appointment last week but when it came to it, I just didn’t feel ready yet to talk in person about my raw feelings. I don’t know what I expect from grief counselling and right now I don’t feel anything can help me - which I know is probably what everyone says. My cousin had grief counselling last year when her Mum died and said it saved her life. I’m certainly not dismissing it but I just don’t feel ready yet. Thank you for sending the links, I will certainly look at those. Thank you for your support.

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#5

Dear C1971, thank you for reading my post and for replying. I’m sorry for your loss. You lost your Mum suddenly and presumably without warning which must have been such a terrible shock for you, I am sorry.

My Mum was diagnosed with MDS/leukaemia and the doctors were guarded with their estimates of how much time she had left, saying 6-12 months but in reality, it was eight weeks and it happened suddenly and unexpectedly which makes me feel cheated, bitter and as if she’s been stolen away from me. Although I was with her when she passed and I was holding her hand, I feel we didn’t get a chance to actually say goodbye -although I’m sure not many people get that so it’s not unusual but I feel like I’ve been plunged into a nightmare and there’s no end in sight.

You say you tolerate life - that’s exactly how I feel too. It doesn’t feel like a life without her and I am a completely different person.

Thank you for posting. The support on this forum is like nothing I’ve experienced and I’m so grateful for it.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Nicky x

#6

Thanks Nicky.

Sudden death is awful- both my mum and dad died this way. However, I could not have beared to know that my mum was ill, and for her to know it too. I’m grateful that my mum thought she was going on holiday with us soon and was planning to look after my daughter the following weekend. Everything was normal until it wasnt.

Having a child does help. My daughter has lost her beloved nan and musnt lose me. That is why I carry on even though I hate life.

Recently I’ve found some pleasure in small things. A book, a tv drama, sharing a joke with my daughter.

I know now that i will get through, i just wont ever be the same again.

Chat whenever you need or want to. The site was a lifesaver in the early days.

I personally detested bereavement counselling. It did nothing to help me. That’s just me. X

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#7

I can totally relate to what you have said. My mum passed away Christmas eve. She had covid and in the space of 2 weeks went from being a healthy 64 year old to being gone. I too am a only child. My mother brought me up alone from the age of 11. I did still see my dad but he died in 2003. I lived with my mum. I too feel alone now. I feel like the world was a different place to when my mum was here. Feels like the lights have gone out. And I’m now all alone in the world. Every morning like you it hits me all over again. I would say I’m living in survival mode. Just trying to get through the day. With the hope that one day brighter days will come

#8

Hi carolanndutton,

Sorry to see that you have recently lost your mum too. I’m reeling with shock that mine died aged 74 so you must feel even worse at yours only being 64.

My mum was supposed to live till she was 90 just like her mum did.

I’m not an only child and I do have a sister. However she doesn’t think like me, grieve like me and doesnt even talk about her. I lived with my mum and she doesnt get it.

I hope you are ok and getting the support you need.

Cheryl x

#9

Hi c1971, My mum had me young she was only 19. Her mum was 92 when she passed away. I always said she would out live me. It makes you feel robbed.

#10

I know. I lost my dad when I was 27 and he was 53 so I really thought life would be kind and let me keep my mum till she was 90. Funny you say what you did. Just a few weeks before she died she said she would outlive me the way I was looking!

#11

I lost my dad at 28, I thought the same. Life can be so cruel sometimes

#12

Yes it really can. X

#13

Hello Carolanndutton

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I think we are both feeling similar things. I don’t know any other single mother/only daughter relationships and it’s a scary and lonely place to be. My mum was 83 but she looked 53 and had the outlook and fun of a teenager, I also feel robbed and as if she’s been stolen from me. Every day is like a nightmare. I’m not really sure how I’m getting through the days but I think I’m just functioning on a basic level.

#14

My mum was the same young at heart, everyone said she was always happy and had a big smile for everyone she seen. She had a amazing sence of humour and when she was here my house was a home that was full of laughter, love and warmth. Now it just feel like a cold, sad, empty space. I’m so sorry that you lost your mum too. Its the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel for anyone going through this pain. I too think how I’ve made it this far . Shes been gone 7 weeks. But its like time stood still the moment my mum died. Its like a never ending nightmare

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