I think being close to Christmas makes everything worse. There’s the expectation for everyone to smile and be happy - I try but it’s exhausting to pretend. All I want is things to go back to ‘normal’ as they were 6 months ago
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I too lost my other half, Keef, in February this year and lately it just seems to have got worse. People keep telling me how amazingly I’m doing! I mean really have they no idea what it’s like, clearly, to go through this? Had quite a good evening, actually felt fairly normal, whatever that is, but once back home on my own not so good. I really wonder if this will ever change? I am trying to be positive but not sure now what that is, perhaps things will get better once we get through winter and these dark days.
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Hi folks
Only speak for me but 16 months on it’s worse than ever
Perhaps I was numb at the start now this is reality
I’ll never see Paul again never speak to him he’ll never ring me vice versa no more idle chit chat no more being a couple
As you all know the list is endless
Sheer hell
Cry every single day and every single night I go to bed
This is it …… just me!
Xx
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I agree very much on the part where we should not feel guilty as the very fact that we are here and sharing our deep grief with people in similar situations is evident that we are not guilty. We did all we possibly can to be with our loved ones at the near end of their journey. I know finding peace of mind and heart is difficult and it may take time, but only you and you can find ways to cope with it rather than someone else suggesting it or flipping through some book.
Take life slowly and do whatever calms you down.
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That is a shame you feel you have to do that. x Michael
Hi no it is not just you,I am the same and so many of us the same as you.The hell of grief ,the tears ,it just never leaves you.The anguish is so unbearable. X Michael.
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Hi yes I had that as well ,“you are amazing doing so well” well no not really ,we all just act like we are doing ok when we clearly not. Losing a partner ,loved one ,spouse is just about the worst thing you could ever imagine. X Michael
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I know were you are coming from same with me you do what you want big hugs
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Hi @Bess1,
Not just you. It will be two years come January since my lovely Christine died. Steadily getting worse. A living nightmare.
Best wishes to you.
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Just seen your post my husband died from bladder cancer too 
aged only 60 years old. Think he ignored his symptoms and by time we did something it was too far gone ! I just been on my first holiday abroad with daughter and granddaughter and it was lovely but we miss him so much as he was very loved and its tough without them isnt it ;( cried a few times on holiday not having him there … felt so strange but it was a good break i guess … distracted me , with my cute granddaughter and i feel a bit less stressed x
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Glad you had a nice time Deb, and you feel less stressed. x
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Yeh in general i do thanks. And took my mind off the sadness of it all … 
still bloody hard without our husband to lean on though isnt it ? gotta do all unpacking all my myself … my daughter and granddaughter were great with me though - and we enjoyed themselves xxx
Hi Jerryh
Thank you at least I’m not totally losing the plot other folk are with me
Pleased you enjoyed your holiday Deb5 I suppose we all have to try
I keep telling myself that…… the only positive I get up on a morning
And ……… add on Christmas
Take care folks
Xx
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So hard. My beautiful Mick passed away in my arms in Feb. He suffered and his passing was painful and traumatic. I cant move on. Im trapped. I am an usually happy, jovial extrovert who has now become a recluse. Friends of his, ours, now avoid me. I receive comments such as “he was older than you, you must have known he would die before you” “You’re still young, you’ll find someone else” “It’s been 9 months, you need to get over it” Let me tell you, these people are all in a relationship and they are going to know the pain when it happens to them. And I wont be there for them. Im learning to forge a life on my own. A lonely life but the only life I know now. No-one will ever fill my Michaels shoe’s. I just need to be mindful that every breath I take, I should take one for him and learn to enjoy life because he absolutely lived life to the full until metastatic cancer robbed us both of our future 
I havent found people to be helpful at all. Example. Them “How are you?” Me “Do you want me to say im OK or do you want to hear the truth?” Them “Sorry, i shouldnt have asked, moving on…” Im absolutely broken and distraught. I’ve lost my soul mate and ive lost people that I thought were my friends. I like to think that one day, life will be good again. But it will always feel empty and shallow without my beautiful, wonderful husband. Sending love and peace into your hearts 
xxx
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Hi Annalisa
True true words
My counsellor says focus on the positive friends forget the negative ones …… we all have / had them
I know it’s not rocket science surround yourself with folk that will help you
I have 3…… the rest like you say will know what it’s like when grief hits them
And like you I won’t be there
We’ve all had hurtful/ stupid comments said to us
Me ……I won’t forget
It is incredibly hard some days I find it impossible
And Christmas doesn’t help one little bit
I just want to bury my head
I didn’t send cards last year same this year and forever more
(Even birthday cards I don’t sign my name carnt do it)
Donation to Macmillian
Cancer is so so cruel
Our life turned upside down shaken and stamped on…… hard!
Love to all
Xx
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Bess1 i can totally understand this .unfortunately macmillan is one i will never donate anything to after the way my gorgeous beautiful wife sue was treated by them .the only macmillan nurse who was helpful was attached to lyndsey lodge hospice scunthorpe where sadly sue spent her final days here.
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Yeh you certainly find out who your friends are dont you ? so sorry for your loss bit we all in same boat here … we lost our soulmate. Sending you hugs xxx
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My one and only experience of a counsellor was being told ‘let it go’ and ‘be kind to yourself’. My life has been torn as apart so - oddly enough - not high on my agenda
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Hi
Appreciate your thoughts we all have different opinions
For me Macmillian nurses were there for us but realise this is not always the case
Also I’ve been having counselling with a very local charity in our next village since 3rd October 2022
My counsellor has / is helping me
As I say speak as you find
Hugs to all xx
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Bess1 the counsellor from lyndsey
hospice scunthorpe sue spent her final days there is really helpful and has been a huge help when I felt like i couldn’t get through the days when I wanted to give up but I made sue a promise to carry on fighting for life.she reminded me that I have to carry on for sues memory
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