Yes constantly ill not eating properly only liquids mainly soup ect anxiety feel sick and scared of the loneliness to come. ((((Hugs))))x
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I am eating all the wrong things. Keep putting on weight which I can’t afford to do. Lost weight at first as like you I just couldn’t eat. My husband was the cook in all our 50 years of marriage. It is terrible feeling this emotionally hurt and your body rebelling too. But I suspect one is causing the other. I do hope you can face the bedroom soon. Hugs.
Sandra
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Well I have become calmer but still dreadfully sad and very lonely. I have a couple of very good friends and my sons who are adults. I feel much better after doing something or going out but often I feel like doing nothing. Don’t force yourself to do anything but gradually you will get a bit stronger. Hold tight, it’s a bumpy ride. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as I’m sure that’s what my husband would want me to do. I also started journaling. I don’t do it every day but sometimes a bit like a diary. Talking to him about everything and that’s helpful too X
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I swapped beds a bit in the beginning but now I’m back in our bed and I sleep with his favourite sweatshirt that he always changed into when he got home. I wrap it round me when I go to bed. I also wear his watch everyday so feels like he comes with me everywhere I go X
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I have been wearing his wedding ring for an age as it didn’t fit him anymore. Wish I could feel closer to him. Sandra
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So sorry Sarah - my story exactly. Today I felt like I was totally loosing it - the pain too much to bear. It just had to change but when? My hubby died last October but it feels like yesterday. Sending love x
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Oh Sarah, I understand exactly what you say, I lost my beloved partner, Faith, 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I have become very much a hermit, my confidence has dropped to zero. I am 64 and my Faith was a mere 52, she was diagnosed with MS eleven years ago and I had to give up my career in BT to look after her. For the next nine years I cared for her every need and besides her illness we went everywhere together, we were always by each others side. I have come to understand in the past few weeks that I had ceased to be “Jim”, I had become “Faith and Jim”, we presented a joint face to the world wherever we went and whoever we met. Following her sudden death half of who I am was suddenly and violently torn away from me and I am left here torn and bleeding wondering who I am.
I know that I will never get over this, but they tell me that I will learn to live with it, but that remains to be seen, this hurts more than losing my parents did, you expect that to happen, but your partner you expect to be with you until the end.
I too am on valium at present in a bid to ease the physical pain I am feeling in my heart and tummy area, it helps a little with that. I also have the fear of having to return to work, no doubt the DHS will be keen to strip me of the meagre benefits we lived upon and force me into a job that I know I will be incapable of doing after nine years of caring for Faith. I wish for you all the best Sarah as you travel along into the unknown future. Bless you 
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Chekarma
So very sorry for your loss ,it’s so difficult without our loved ones,
I am 9 months in, since the loss of my husband suddenly,and it hasn’t got any easier
For me ,
I do go for walks to clear my mind and visit
My husband grave twice a week to talk and play his favorite music,
Take care of yourself
Sue
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As I’ve said earlier on in the thread I’m quite a long way on but there’s certain things I still can’t do. I’ve been out with a friend & had a lovely time, came home put the tv on & Masterchef was on. This was a program we watched religiously, always made sure we’d had our tea otherwise we’d be starving & I’ve never been able to watch it since Derek went away. He was the chef of our household & we just loved watching it. I’ve avoided watching it but I thought I’d try & I felt so sad … it’s the little things 
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Hi I am so sorry. You are in a deep depression by the sounds of things. Do you have kids. The only thing I can say is acknowledge your getting up every day. The rest is not expected to come back at once. It is the worst feeling in the world and the loss just eats away. Can you go counselling? Thinking of you x
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@CheKarma . Sorry for your loss. I know the emptiness and ache you experience in your heart and tummy. After 8 weeks I am a little better and starting to sleep a little more.
The uncertainty in the future both financially and emotionally is draining. All we can do is go in 1 hour at a time. Hugs. Sandra
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HI @CheKarma , Sorry you find yourself on here but you’re among people who understand and hopefully that can help you as we’ve helped each other. My heart goes out to you, 4 weeks is a very hard place to be (I’m 9 months), everything must feel so utterly raw and confusing, hard to trust your judgement, hard to move through the day. It will get easier, I know you hear this all the time but it is true, I am finding a way to move froward and surprisingly to do it with my wife along side me. At first I was concerned, well terrified actually, that I would forget my wife, that I would become just me. But as time has gone on, for me, II’ve realised that this is not going to happen , that it can’t really happen as she’s always going to be a lense that I view the world through, her sensibilities and opinions reside in me and still inform me. We are still together, not in the same way but still together all the same.
I was also a carer for my wife on a long term basis, as with you my life was centred on her needs, and at first the absence of structure, no more routine, was another burden to bear, I could no longer care for her, I felt in some ways that I had failed. As I’ve gained distance from the day she went I’ve given myself space, kindness and patience, I know that can sound trite but I found it was really what I had to do, I had to look after myself now. For her. I know now that I did everything that I could to look after her, that she knew that I loved her when she went and that she loved me for who I was. I know that she wouldn’t have wanted me to suffer because of her and that slowly putting myself back together and accepting she was gone was a way to be with her, it’s what she would have wanted. I’m trying to live my life for her now, it’s early days for this mind set and it seems to be working. I know this will all sound so far off for you and it did for me when I was at 4 weeks, but I came on here and I read about the loss of others and I took courage from peoples experiences.
This site can help in ways you may not realise yet, I hope that it brings you the understanding its helped me to gain.
As with you, because of my wife’s long term illness we were in receipt of benefits. I don’t know the details of your situation and if you’re at the point where you feel you can deal with it but there’s information here:
From what I recall it was all pretty straight forward and can be done in “one go”. For me, I received Carers Allowance for 4 weeks after her death, I also applied for Bereavement Support Payment, which you can find details of here:
This comes in 2 parts a one off payment followed by monthly payments for the next year or so. As far as I can recall its non means tested. The monthly payments are a lot less than Carers allowance but it helps.
I wasn’t able to apply for anything beyond that as I inherited my wife’s estate and that took me over the savings threshold for Universal Credit. If this is not the case for you then I would think that you would be able to apply for this also. If you feel that you cannot work I would, when you are able to do so, speak to your GP about being signed off unfit for work. I know that this may be adding to your stress but just think of it as some information that’s sitting here for when you need it.
I really hope you feel you can keep reaching out on here, it really helped me through and has the benefit of eventually helping others.
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Thank you Walan, I really appreciate your support, I find that grief tends to come from nowhere and just kicks you in the stomach. I too have been plagued with thoughts about what I could have done differently to have avoided what occurred but as you say, I know that Faith wouldn’t want me to suffer and the love we shared was strong. Thank you also for the links, I feel bad about being troubled by the benefit side of things but it has to become an issue in order to survive.
Kind Regards
Jim
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Thank you Sandra, I am sorry that you too are in this most awful place as well, I have never known such pain before, as you rightly say, it is an hour by hour process of fear, sorrow, depression, etc.
Kind regards
Jim
Thank you so much for your advice, it is much appreciated. I have a lovely daughter from my first marriage, she will be thirty-two next month an without doubt the best thing to come out of that marriage. She has been staying with me since I lost my partner. I am presently seeking counselling, I have just been passed from one organisation to another, which doesn’t feel good to be honest, but I will call them this afternoon.
Kind regards
Jim
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You can self refer in the NHS website. You are given an assessment. I have just been approved but there is quite a long wait. You could try it. Xx
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I am so sorry for your loss,i lost my husband in february and like you i started to feel like i was going mad,i couldnt think,because it felt like everythin was mixed up in my mind,ive stopped answering the phone and goin out.i went to see my gp,who referred me to a mental health clinic,and im am waiting to see a trauma therapist xx
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Courtshaun
So very sorry for your loss big hugs
I am 9 months in and still struggling,
Like yourself I cannot think straight sometimes,
They call it Widows Fog ,
Everyone on here is very surportive as we all
Have lost loved ones ,I know how difficult the 1st few months are ,
I walk a lot to try and keep occupied
Look after yourself,
Take care ,
Sue
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Thankyou so much,i thought it might start to get easier,but feels just as bad as the day it happened x
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@Courtshaun I am sorry that you have lost your husband. Life is so unfair and cruel. I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my husband at Christmas. He was 53 years old. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday my son rang me to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived. He had died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer. What a shock.
I have just started trauma therapy and been diagnosed with PTSD. I had councelling with a grief counselor for a few months which I paid privately and which helped. My trauma therapy was referred by my doctor and I waited 6 weeks. I hope that it will help you though I know all you want is your man back. Take care and big hugs xx
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