@Ron11 How cowardly of them to text that to you. Probably a good job it wasn’t in person! Well, you have us on here. Sorry for that experience.
3 Likes
I am feeling that my stepdaughter has forgotten she’s lost her dad and that he was married to me, which has left me on my own. She had been supportive but lives over an hours drive away. She phones me every evening but this evening it was all just general chat, then telling me that her son, (my husband’s grandson) is getting married. It’s only a quiet wedding as they are saving for a house deposit but they’re having an after wedding party in November. I know it’s good news and for them life just carries on as normal. Maybe I’m being super sensitive but I’m still in floods of tears every day - only 5 weeks since I lost my husband (her dad) and she doesn’t seem to realise how much I miss him, and how I wish he was still with me to realise the plans we’d made for our future. I’ve been getting all my things in order so that everything is straightforward should anything happen to me. She says to me - that’s not going to happen for a good few years, please. She has no idea how I feel about a future without my husband. Nothing has any meaning - everything seems pointless. She, and my stepson, have lovely families and their lives carry on, almost like nothing has happened.
Is it me!!!
3 Likes
I’m so sorry you’re so upset.
I’m sure your stepdaughter doesnt mean to be thoughtless
Our children have their own grief, but they can’t bear to see us upset.
They don’t know how to deal with us.
So they pretend we’re ok. And that’s easier when they live away
It’s still very early days for you.
It’s easier for your stepdaughter to push things to the back of her mind. She’s supportive but doesn’t have to see you day to day.
I’m sure she doesn’t mean to make you feel as if your grief doesn’t matter.
She’s just probably in denial herself.
We’re all here for you. You’re not alone
Love and hugs
Liz x x
I know she doesn’t mean to be thoughtless but she only came over periodically because of her own commitments. We only saw his son when he dropped off his dad’s prescription - usually once a month.
It’s ok, I’ll have to get used to it. As someone in one of these groups made the comment - we have no choice - in other words - get on with it.
2 Likes
Yes you’re right.
But at least we’ve got each other on here.
We can offload whenever we need
Or just be here to listen
Big hugs
Liz x x
1 Like
So sorry Harriet. I think it’s difficult when our families are getting on with their lives - it’s as if they are ready to move on and we aren’t at all.
I have lost my parents and 2 siblings but losing your partner is on another level completely. And sadly you don’t understand that until it happens to you.
It’s is such early days for us and and everything is still very raw. All our hopes and dreams have gone in an instant and everyone on here understands that. Be kind to yourself and take each day/ hour as it comes. I think people can’t cope with your grief so just chat away about anything and avoid the elephant in the room. And that feels disrespectful to us. It’s their way of dealing with us.
Sending love and strength xx
2 Likes
Harriet, please don’t think that they aren’t grieving - I am sure that they are.
My kids are much younger but at times I also feel like they are just getting on with life as they still go to work and Uni/school and they have times when they are going out and having fun with friends.
But underneath they are so sad and when it gets all too much they come home and need me as their mum to just be there while their hearts break.
But they also see me grieving and that brings its own complications as they don’t want to make things harder for me to cope.
I’m sure his kids are getting support from their partners / friends and they don’t want to burden you further than you are already as they will know how hard it is for you.
Why don’t you tell them how much you miss him ? My husbands dad struggles to communicate his emotions but when I tell him how much I miss my husband I can hear the relief in his voice as he agrees.
They obviously care a lot for you - my best friend messages me every day and often it’s complete drivel or about the weather as she feels I will get fed up if she keeps asking how I am. But she keeps on every day and I know she cares even if she doesn’t really know how to say that.
I’m sure they just don’t know how to communicate their grief with you in a way that’s safe and honest.
Take care xx
2 Likes
Hello rose I have been following the posts and I am upset for you to know what has been going on.
It is truly horrendous.
I also have had no sympathy or empathy from people I thought were close.
Crass comments flying out of their stupid mouths and I think that after 13 weeks they think I should just get over it.Most people have been very kind neighbours who I really don’t know that well have been kinder than some family members.
Someone even said to me it could be worse and when I asked how they pointed out how hard it was for people in Gaza.
When people are talking to you and saying how lovely their holiday was and fabulous food etc.
Yes I understand people have their own lives
Can they really not understand how the incentive to cook myself a meal has gone and I make myself a sandwich or just grab a bag of crisps.
When I called out a relative for asking me while on a luxury holiday (my husband had been gone for three weeks )she said after giving me a description of how she was having a wonderful time was getting a lovely tan wearing all her new clothes .She said to me is everything all right.
I said no everything is not all right and I wish people would stop asking stupid questions.
She has been back off holiday now for ten weeks and has not rang me or been to see me.
I had a text saying I had upset her.
We don’t need toxic people in our lives ever
but just now it really awful.
We all do need to be strong and try to just get over each day.
I believe in karma and one day those people will know what this is like I hope I am there to see it.
I am a kind and generous person and to know how I feel now really shocks me.
I know how my dear husband would feel about all of this and would react if he was here now
So I will follow his lead as always he was my lifelong guide.
I did think that I was the only being treated like this and being super sensitive to comments.
I am truly appalled.
I wish every one here tons of support and love and kindness.
4 Likes
Hello,
so much of your post was so familiar.
Your example of a relative being upset reminded me of things that have happened.
So many times I have thought
‘Why I am having to be the one who is sensitive and understanding to others?
I am the one who has lost my husband.’
It is very sad to red so many examples of insensitive, rude and self centred people behaving badly at such a dreadfully sad time.
That is why this site is so good.
People really do understand.
Sending a big hug,
Rose xx
3 Likes
I want to be a wife again I do not want to be a widow.
I want to make us a lovely Sunday lunch and be told with much appreciation that is was delicious.
I don’t want to walk around our house on my own
Yes I have phone calls a few visits and texts.
Then again it is just me and my little dog.
How long I wonder does this go on my life as I knew it is gone and to know it is never coming back is too terrible to contemplate.
I talk to my husband out loud constantly am I going mad.Another weekend to get over.
My husband passed away on a Saturday and as the weekend approaches I am filled with dread and dreams.
I know this cannot just be me.
I actually ache.
What can I do to help myself.
2 Likes
Oh dol1. I am totally with you. I feel like my life is over. Without my husband I don’t seem able to function - or truthfully, I don’t want to. Like you, I talk to him. It’s almost 6 weeks since I lost my husband and for some reason, today has been the worst. I’ve been in floods of tears nearly all day. Can’t explain why, just feel I can’t go on without him.
Sending you my love and hoping that some day we may be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
2 Likes
I understand.
This is a life we never wanted. A life that has been forced on us.
We are in the early stages even though sometimes it feels like a lifetime since we were with them.
I can write about some things I do. I am not saying they are the right things to do just what I have managed to do and what I can’t.
I suppose I take it day by day in the main.
I do not look very far into the future, if at all.
If it is a bad day, I let myself cry.
Sometimes a short cry helps, sometimes I cry for quite a while.
Also on a bad day, I have thought about what either needs to be done or what I think I can manage to do. Then I might set a time limit, for example, give myself half an hour and see how much washing up I can get done.
I try to do the half hour but if it’s just 15 minutes, so be it.
I might go out for half an hour.
I write on here. It is a release and people understand. They care and support others.
I cuddle one of the cats.
Yes, so much of it is distracting myself.
I hope in time I will be doing activities that I want to do, that I will enjoy.
I am sure others will describe what they do.
I hope that reading what people do can help you.
Sending you a very big hug.
Love,
Rose xx
4 Likes
I set myself to make a Sunday dinner.
Nothing grand but when I took the cooked and sliced lamb out of the freezer I remembered we had it at Easter.Seems like a long time ago but it really jerked me back to that lovely Easter lunch with all the trimmings so lovely.
I nearly stopped but then I thought Sam would want me to do it have it just as he would have.
It was just gravy to add with frozen veg and Yorkshire puddings and some frozen roasties.Like I said nothing grand.
I shed some tears as I ate it off a tray alone.
How do people carry on like this?
I know of quite a few bereaved people and at the time very sorry indeed I don’t think I ever really understood all the effects it must be having on them.
I realise that is what I am going through
now but I have never ever been unkind.
It just feels so hopeless what is the point now.
My husband would never have coped without me and he often said it I hope I go first.
I thank god he has not been left to deal with this on his own I love him so much.
Love and support to all of you.
5 Likes
I am the same,my cooking now goes between air fryer and micro.
1 Like
Hi @Dol1 and @Harriet4Bill
It’s very early days for you. I’m 23 weeks
I can’t promiae that the pain or longing will ever go away. But eventually you will learn to cope.
I still have many down days but also up days. I still cry most days but not much, And I can control it better.
Just try and go with it
Step by step, day by day.
Eventually you will find yhat although you ard still heartbroken, you will learn to cope
Love and big hugs
Liz x x
3 Likes
I lit this candle for loved ones who have passed.
Please view as a candle for those loved ones you have lost and are missing.
Rose xx
7 Likes
Thank you Rose. So very kind 
xx
3 Likes
How lovely such a nice thought.
We will all think of our loved ones even more.
3 Likes
Hello Lori
So sorry for your loss 23 weeks is no time at all
To grieve and miss your loved one.
At the moment I can never see myself there as it seems a long time off.I can’t imagine my self at any point except where I am now.
Desolate depressed and desperate and longing for my old life.
Every one says one day and one step at a time.
I suppose I must be doing that as here I am at thirteen weeks I must be on autopilot.
This is a horrible hell.
I know we are all in the same boat and I am so
grateful to have come across this site and speak to all the wonderful people on here who offer advice with a love unconditional. Xxx
3 Likes
Hi Ron
I don’t often cook at all I have lonely sandwiches
And bags of crisps.
Not healthy I know but I have not got the inclination or motivation to do anything any more.
We were quite foodies and liked good ingredients and I loved spending my time in the kitchen making things .
I realise now I only made the goodies scones
Dumplings cakes and trifles for Sam as they were his favourites I only wish now I had made more.
He would have scoffed it all that’s for sure.
We bought an air fryer a few weeks before he died. Not that we knew that thank god.
I can recall his enthusiasm about what I would make in it.I only used it three times and then he was gone.
It just sits on the bench this massive black thing staring at me.
I hope you are managing to get some decent
food and coping as best you can just now.
Lots of hugs and support
4 Likes