5 months since I lost my partner, and I still have a wardrobe full of his clothes. I have given his jeans to the Salvation Army, so hopefully they will help someone. I often open the wardrobe door and think I will sort out today, but then I close it again. Im not ready to wipe him out completely yet.
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Hello everyone out there.
I am feeling so so sad and emotional and about to crack up.
My husband passed away at 10-30 pm last night and it was truly horrendous this was fourteen week ago.
I canāt believe it yet .
I dread weekends and I even cover up the clock
Face as I lie in bed so I try not to keep going over it as 10-30 approaches
Sleep is bad and every weekend as it approaches
It is worse much worse.
To know that this is now my life on this terrible loop is a nightmare.
I wish everyone some comfort
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I wish I could take the pain away.
We understand, I promise.
Sending you a very big hug.
Rose xx
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So sorry for you @Dol1
I do the same for Rogers last hour on a Friday. I re-live every minute of his last hour.
Its 24 weeks for me. Iām trying to stop doing it, it doesnāt help and just brings me more pain.
Iām finding I have to distact myself.
I know its hard to distract yourself at night but could you try watching a film or doing something you need to concentrate on.
Then maybe youād find youād got through that time.
I donāt know if thats any help.
But what you are going through seems to be normal, even though itās so so painful
Sending a big hug x x
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Dol1, we know how you feel. My husband passed at 8.04pm on 19.9.23. This year has been a year of firsts, first Xmas without him, first new year, his first birthday date post death, our first wedding anniversary without him, my first birthday is this week and Iām dreading it. Yet somehow Iām working through each day as it comes and getting through it. Yes there are tears of course but happy memories tears. Last year on my birthday he was so ill but still got me a big bunch of roses, so this week Iām going to fill the house with the scent of roses. My girlfriends are coming out to lunch with me so I wonāt be alone (my children are abroad on holiday or a long way away in this country. So Iām going to celebrate my life and birthday, without him, and I will get through it too. You are still in the early stages of grief, but believe me it will get easier. We never forget them as they are deeply safe in our hearts and minds.
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Hello retired
First of all wishing you well on your upcoming birthday 
if I could send you real roses I would.
Thank you for your post.
I have missed our 40th anniversary as my dear husband passed away two weeks before it.
Even in hospital he was worried about getting me our card.
I never ever thought he wouldnāt get out of hospital and die there it has absolutely broken me.
I will have all the firsts like you and I am dreading
xmas especially as we although just the two of us it was wonderful.He loved all the special cooking and my home made Xmas cake
I miss making our meals and hear him say that was delicious .
I donāt cook any more just microwave meals and
easy things like sandwiches
He would be upset to know this as he was always thinking of me.
He is the love of my life and now he is gone every thing seems pointless .
Sending you big hugs
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Everything you say rings bells with me. Iāve got all the āfirstsā to face. The first one - our wedding anniversary - 30th August.
Meals - he loved to do the cooking. So much better at it than me. The freezer is full of ingredients he was planning to use.
Christmas - just the two of us (family always came to see us a couple of weeks before).
The sun is shining today. People say I should feel better with the sunshine. I feel worse. In fact 
. I bought a rocker bench for his birthday back in March. We couldnāt use it because the weather was not good. I bought two parasols to fit on it and now I cannot bring myself to uncover it, let alone sit on it. Yes, the sun is shining. We should be out, sitting on our bench, but heās not here any more so I just canāt think of sitting there on my own. Itās just too 
.
Sorry to go on.
Love and hugs to everyone on this journey we didnāt plan. 
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Thanks for the birthday wishes Dol1. Weād been together 50 years so I know exactly how you feel. You will get lots of support from this group. I live near Cambridge and would be happy, if you are local, to meet up for a supportive chat.
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Harriet for Bill: it is so terribly hard to face things like that. Iād bought a lovely seat last summer that my husband Phil sat in just once with me! It took me months to use it again, but I did. To help me overcome things I completely redecorated the master bedroom so I could face sleeping in it again. Iāve tidied the garden and find solace in that, where Phil used to potter. Everything else is on hold really. Iām existing without him but itās no life. I remember my mum telling me when Dad died that she now had a life she didnāt want, but had to deal with. I now feel exactly the same way.
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I did manage to tidy up a bit in the garden and managed to plant some climbing roses that my husband had bought not that long ago. Trouble is I always end up because weād made plans for the garden. Nothing big, itās not a large garden, but it seems to be the small things that get to me. Sitting outside having a coffee in the morning or a drink in the summerhouse before tea. Itās all too much and the flood gates have opened just thinking about it. Sorry. I feel like my life left when he did. Whatās the point.
Sorry to be such a misery.
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Somehow youāll find a way to get through it. My husband died just 3 days before his 71st birthday. That was almost worse than losing him - no visitors, no phone calls. i have never felt so alone! Iām tearing up just thinking about it. But it has made me stronger. I thought f**k the lot of his relatives. He was from a family of 5, iām an only child. They obviously dont care.
I got through our wedding anniversary, iāve been on holiday on my own. You can do whatever you want, but do it
your way.
Sundays are pretty grim, but I have been to the allotment. Iāve come home with french beans, peas, courgettes, dahlias and a huge bag of onions, all grown by me. I can feel him smiling, and saying āyou go girlā.
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I am so sorry.
It was just the two of us at Christmas and that was fine. It was cosy and we liked it.
He made the Christmas cake.
I agree and feel the same about so many things you have written.
Sending a very big hug.
Rose xx
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I wrote exactly those words in my diary āWhatās the pointā? Keeping a daily diary is something Iāve done since he was admitted to hospital on 3.12.22, mainly to help me understand what happened to him in the following 10 months or so. When he died I kept it going to record my feelings each day. Itās where I can be honest and it does help to write down your feelings.
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I agree with you, I have a grief journal which i use as a way of communicating, telling Steve things that have happened and how I am feeling. I dont write in it everyday, but i do find it helps. Nothing prepares you for these things as Steve was only 65. We had out retirement days to look forward to but now its just me.
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I lit this candle tonight for other loved ones who have passed.
Please view it as a candle for your loved ones.
Rose xx
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This evening I lit this candle for my wonderful husband.
He passed 23 weeks ago today.
My life is empty without him.
Rose 
xx
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Thanks Rose,
You echo many of our sentiments,
Take care Ron.
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Thankyou Rose x x
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Thank you Rose.
You are very generous and kind xx
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Thank you Rose.
Always so thoughtfulā¦ Xx.
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