@Amy1982, no you’re not going mad, no you’re not alone in your thoughts. There are plenty of people on here who’ve experienced these feelings. Wanting to be with the person you love most in this world is only natural. Its 6 months since i lost my wife to breast cancer and there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t wish i could be wherever she is, but i have a family, grown up kids and grandkids, not to mention, my dog and cat. My not being here would be the worst thing that could happen to them as they’ve already lost so much and so i simply put my needs aside and carry on. Not easy to do but there’s more than us in this terrible journey so why would we make it difficult for everyone else less able to cope on their own. I would like to say it gets easier, but it doesn’t, you just learn to deal with the pain better. Keep this forum going as you’ll find some good advice, and if nothing else it will help you see you’re not alone and not going as mad as you maybe feel you are. Be kind to yourself, take your time, live your life the best you can, I’m sure your partner would have wanted you to make the most of it.
I have also felt like ending it all, but I think of my son and my sisters, who are all getting on now and have been a great support. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up in the morning. I feel as if I would just like to go somewhere else and be out in the open, by the sea under the sky,
I seem to feel better when I am outside. I used to live near the South Downs where there is so much sky and countryside, but stupidly moved back to London to be nearer my son and grand daughter, but I don’t see much of them and I wish I hadn’t made this massive decision to move when I was grieving. They say you shouldn’t make any big decisions, and this was definitely the worst decision I have ever made.
I want to move somewhere by the sea, but I don’t think my son would speak to me again if I did.
Yeh bit its your life ! You will have to talk to your son about it. Guess they wanna keep an eye on you but if youre happier in countryside ??? Xxx
He knows I would rather have moved to Devon where my sister lives, but he convinced me to move to London to be closer to him. I know up here I will see more of my grand daughter, but my heart is elsewhere, my husband always wanted to move to Devon. Maybe it’s just a pipe dream. All I know is, I hate living here.
Oh dear … difficult one ? Cant you go stay with your sister in devon for a bit ? Give yourself a break from london xx
I am so sad for you - what a horrible thing to happen. I think its natural that you feel you can’t carry on but you have your step son and your parents to think about. My first husband died at 44 due to hospital error. Like you they said it was best to turn off life support - i was just numb and didnt question anything. My daughter and i went to see him at the undertakers (couldn’t believe it otherwise) but he didnt looked peaceful just cross at what had happened. It was a long time ago now and i have had happy times since then but still feel tearful when i think about it all. One of the things that got me through was thinking he would have hated to see me upset - didnt like it if i ever cried! Please take care. Xx
Thanks Freddie, I did nothing yesterday but got up and did some work this morning. I am now sat crying again but will give myself an hour and then pull myself together. Thanks for reaching out. Hope tomorrow will be better. Xx Take care of yourself.
Hi Billie7. So pleased to hear you were able to do some work today. Cry as much as you want, its good to release your feelings.
I sincerely wish solace to all of us who travel the same road.
Nobody prepares us for it and no one can understand the pain unless they’ve walked in our shoes.
Some days the road will be free of misery and sorrow; others, we’ll stumble over what seems insurmountable obstacles.
We, none of us should dwell on a past we can’t change.
Get through today.
The pain is always there . If I am busy it lowers it a little . I am so sad we are all on this road and so sorry for you all too . It’s so unfair
Dont you dare ! Listen … you will get through this you know ! Ring samaritans ( please) … i know its an awful place to be … trust me i been there ! Xxxx
How did you move on I just can’t enjoy life anymore
I used to text cruse in the early days tbh … ( but they stop the texting service now ) i was heartbroken like you and didn’t know how to cope with my feelings. I also had bereavment counselling about 6 months in. Do you need to go to drs maybe ? You just need some support that’s all xxx
Hi Debbie, I have really bad days as well. Please try and carry on. Cry, go to bed, watch rubbish on TV. Just distract yourself for an hour at a time. If you can go for a walk but don’t give up. I think you can get one to one counselling from Sue Ryder but keep talking on here. We are all here for you. Sending you love. Xxx
Yes you can with sue ryder - grief kind offer online counselling xx
I lost my wife of 33 years to cancer last December, aged 57. I feel and can relate to so much of what you all are saying. I think about her all the time and miss her so, so much. I have four lovely grandchildren, my wife loved being a grandma. She so desperately wanted to see them grow up and be part of their lives. When I am with them I keep thinking about how much my wife would have wanted to be here. She loved her big family so much and kept saying in her final few days that she didn’t want to leave us.
I finally plucked up the courage to collect my wife’s ashes this week. I was shaking as I signed for them and could barely walk back to the car. I managed to get home then fell apart and struggling even to breathe. The emotions I am holding back most of the time came tumbling out.
I just can’t believe she is gone and I will never see and hold her again. I feel like I am living in an alternative reality, this is not my life. I am trying to keep busy and do the things I used to enjoy but gain little from doing them apart from passing the time of day. I just don’t know what to do, I am going through the motions of living but don’t really feel part of the world anymore. I heard recently that an ex work colleague’s wife was diagnosed with cancer in May and is now receiving end of life care. My heart goes out to him and his young family as I know how hard it is now and will be in the future.
My only advice is to take one day at a time, apparently it will get easier. I have got through the first ten months, past family birthdays annd our wedding anniversary. Still got my wife’s wheelchair and crutches, I know that sounds strange. Even some of her unfinished knitting. Strangely hard to part with.
I am trying to be strong for the family, they need me as much as I need them.
Take care all of you out there, you are not alone.
Thank you. Kind post. It gets less painful im nearly 10 months on but its still hard in so many ways … 
just missing them being here for a start ! Thats what i find so hard still xxx
this made me smile…my husband did get as far as the garden with the washing, but he used to purposely hang everything up wrong…one sock…then a shirt…then another sock…his motive was so that I wouldn’t ask him again!..thank you for bringing back this memory when I was feeling sad xx
All the feelings you have I understand because I feel the same. When my husband’s coffin went in to the ground last Friday i just wanted to be with him. I don’t have children and honestly I feel I have nothing to live for. What is the point of going on I ask myself yet I know my husband would want me to continue. It is hard, very hard. I went to a meeting with friends tonight and they were all laughing and speaking loudly. I could hardly bear the noise and just wanted to go home and be quiet. You have a step son and you will be important to him so try and talk together about your grief and i am sure it will bring you together more closely. There is nothing I can say that will ease your pain but just know that there are a lot of us out there grieving just like you. Thinking of you and send you a hug.
@Katiemarylucy1 yes what our husbands would do to try to get out of the house chores.
I used hate going food shopping with my husband as he would always disappear and come back with loads of extra items. Oh how I wish I could have those days back. I spent quite a lot of time moaning at him poor man. Wish I knew what was around the corner.
Love talking about memories of my husband which makes me smile Xxx