Thanks that brought some memories back to me . Oh how I wish he was putting a bit of car polish in my trolley now . Life is so empty now x
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After nine months, I still find shopping absolutely awful, walking past his favourites and him not being there to discuss what to buy. I have my heavy and bulk items delivered but like to buy from local M&S. Iām in and out very quickly and shed a tear when back in the car. Like everything, life without them is an uphill struggle.
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I know itās awful but I am going to shop for new recipes Iāve seen on tik tok . Being busy is my way of coping at near. 5 months
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I know, i really do. My husband Colin went to work as usual Monday morning, i heard him leave that morning 11 weeks ago yesterday. I had a phone call whilst driving to work saying that Colin had had a cardiac arrest after parking his van at his first call. He had been speaking to his childhood friend as they did every morning, told him he was going to check his work sheet and that he would call back shortly. A passer by saw him and did CPR. He was taken to hospital where our daughter works and she was on duty at the time, he was transferred to another hospital where he laid in a coma. Thursday the doctor came and told me the worst thing i could have imagined and that CPR would not be a good idea and that he was taking that decision out of my hands. We were there, we were all there to say our goodbyes.
I am so grateful for our children who have been so fantastic, i dont know what i would have doneā¦yes i do know. But because of them, i couldnāt. 34 years this year we would have been celebrating how am i supposed to carry on?
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@nicky1961 I am so sorry for you. . The pain is very hard to bear for you but take each hour as it comes and be kind to yourself. The. Ache is so hard to bear at first . I didnāt want to go on without my husband but I am because I am living for him . Everything is different now . Itās not the same at all but keeping busy and keeping contact with people is all we can do . My thoughts are with you
Yeh my husband used to hide stuff in the bottom of the trolley and i didnt even realise what hed got extra until i got to the till ! Lol ā¦ god love em 
miss them dont we ? So sad today 
i keep telling him im sorry - because i didnt make him go to drs earlier ! We didnt know it was serious though did we ? How could we ? Were not drs ā¦ xx
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@Deb5 no sadly we didnāt know what was happening inside their bodies. Just wish I notice that he was ill and had lost weight Xx
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But i knew he wasnt right ā¦ i just didnt yhink it was so serious otherwise course i wouldāve made him go to drs also you know hazel i think its cos we all been in the covid bubble ! I think we were all so relieved we had survived that, that we ignored other things ;( and also dont forget in covid it was more or less impossible to get to see a dr anyway !!! Xxx
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I knew things wasnāt right either with my husband but thought he was depressed from his fall which he had previously 20 months ago because a covid vaccine made him pass out whilst he was working on a 3 metre staircase. Iām sure it was the start of things. I also think it masked his symptoms. Xx
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i agree with you about the covid vacs, my husband had been doing really well on his treatments, until he had his 3rd covid vac, and after that, the treatment stopped working, I said this to the oncologist, and he did not deny it, he said ā well it would not have caused it, but it might have contributed to itā so to me, that was admitting it. and from the day they told him his treatment was no longer working and nothing else could be done, I watched him literally fade away, till he died 6 weeks ago. we had been together 52 years and to say I am heartbroken is an understatement, I have refused the last covid vac I was offered and I will NEVER have another one.take care, it is very hard, but we have to go on, they would have wanted us to. maureen.
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I agree with that ā¦ my husband also had other medical problems too which i think masked his symptoms too ā¦ life is so fragile isnt it ā¦ we dont realise xx
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My husband was the same, other symptoms masked the serious illness, I try to forgive myself for not seeing the other problems creeping in until it was too late. So many regrets now .
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I too have regrets that I didnāt realise that my husband didnt have long to live but I had never experienced end of life before and just didnt read the signals. I just wish I had spent more time with him in the last few days rather than being busy with chores. This is just the worst expereince any human can go through and it is so hard so very hard.
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I know ā¦ but i did keep telling him to go to drs and he wouldnt listen to me typical man ! Xx
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It teally is the hardest thing to ho through ! We hsve lost so much ! People just dont realise or do they even care ? I tell you what when it happens to them they will know .about it !!! . we live in such a harsh world these days ā¦ compassion seems to be so lacking in society these days ! Everybody seems to be so busy looking after number one !! There are some good people in it ā¦ its just finding them : ( ha Xx
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Thank you so much
I know what you mean about the shopping, I canāt even go to the same supermarket where I used to buy all his favourites. Iāve had to order a new sofa and decorate the lounge to try to lessen the vision of it being where he spent his last conscious moments and with the paramedics working on him. Itās either that or move house as I canāt bear to sit here with the thoughts I have. It has been 4 weeks since his funeral and there have been days where I havenāt cried but just felt empty and numb. That, mixed with days that I just canāt get out of bed except for the toilet. I had hoped that time would ease at least the stomach wrenching feeling that I get when I wake up and remember that he has gone, but it is still there and so raw. I canāt help but count the 51 days since he died, and I avoid seeing people or letting anybody come around as I am just so utterly miserable and have nothing positive to say or offer anyone right now. This makes me feel so selfish, and guilty too. My step Son is getting back into a routine and I am so glad for him, and I try to remain positive when he is at home as I feel like he already has more than enough in his mind without worrying about me. The thoughts of ending my life had subsided for all the practical reasons, but they have resurfaced over the last week as I still wonder what the point of it all is now. I canāt see a way forward and feel angry that I was so happy before this and that I am frightened to death that I will never experience that feeling again, the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel physically sick to my stomach. I just canāt find any joy in anything at all. I have organised some grief counselling but I donāt even want to get dressed to go to that.
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Hi @Amy1982 it sounds like you are really struggling. It is still very early days for you. I am 10 months in this awful journey which I didnāt ask for. I find that the rawness of the early days have subsided and I donāt cry everyday but I do have this deep sadness and miss my husband so very much and think about him every minute of the day. I have days that I feel very low and better days. Grief is so sneaky like a roller coaster with massive waves. I was the opposite of you and needed support from my friends and made arrangements to see them as I found it was a distraction. I try and keep busy. Have you thought about going to see your doctorā¦ I went to my doctor and have been diagnosed with PTSD as my husband death was sudden and unexpected and I found him gone and did CPR on him. Keep reaching out and try not to isolate yourself. Take care and big hugs xx
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@Hazel.1966 Thank you so much for your reply. I have tried on several occasions to socialise but I feel like I just have nothing to offer right now in terms of being my old self. My father is going through chemo, and my mother has just revived a cancer diagnosis herself, so I just canāt pick myself up enough to spend time with anyone other than them at the moment as I want to channel every into looking after them. I had wondered about PTSD, I donāt really know much about it, but I seem to relive the moment I found him unconscious and then his death itself 9 days later. As I said before, I banked so much on the chapel of rest bringing me some peace but I found it to be a horrific experience. It is these images and experiences that have stayed with me and upset me so much that I cannot breathe properly. There are no warnings of these episodes, I just canāt control them and feel like I am so far removed from who I used to be that I will never be that person again because I wonāt be able to forget those horrible moments. There are so many wonderful memories but I seem to not be able to call on them to pull me out of it when I need to. The house is full of photographs, but of course it feels like they are not enough to provoke many happy thoughts as yet. I think the best course of action would be to see the GP then as I am at a loss for what else to do right now. Thank you so much again X
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@Amy1982 you are welcomeā¦you really sound like you are going through the mill with everything going on in your life. You certainly wonāt be the same person as you used to be as you have lost your whole world and soulmate. Your friends hopefully would understand that you are not going to be yourself. It sounds like you have suffered trauma and still are so most probably have got PTSD.
Take care and keep reaching out and also I hope that you get support for your mum and dad as you must be exhausted. Big hugs xx
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