I agree with you , not a single person would know until they experience this agony 
and they are all trained to say the sane also . Iām just going to be be honest thatās all I can be ā¦.
Thank you , sending hugs xxx
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Iām going on holiday with my son, his wife and their 9 month old daughter later this month. My husband who was a very fit 74 year old died of sepsis 6 months ago after over a month in ICU. Iāve been trying to find a friend to share a twin room with me as I donāt want to feel like a spare part but all my friends are busy. Iāve never lived on my own having married a week after I graduated and I hate being on my own. Iām sort of looking forward to it but I know Iām going to keep thinking of what we used to do together like dancing and walking. I also had no idea of how much more expensive it is to go as a single. As a couple it is Ā£1509 each for two weeks but itās going to cost me Ā£2600! it would be good to just have some company of my own.
@SkyeGardener MY sue loved the sun she was happiest when it was over 40 degrees she also has family in Australia so we would spend 16 weeks in December she adored it and loved Bondi beach the blue mountains where her brother lived about 1 hour and 20 minute outside Sydney. My Sue passed 16 weeks and 1 day ago now. I know I can never go away again. Sorry hun I honestly hope you go and enjoy it. One
night you may be looking up at the stars and your loved one looking down at them. Go hun and be brave. dave.
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Last year we talked about a family holiday but never got around to it. Bank of Mum and Dad paying for the cottage. Now my son and his partner have suggested we go away, but I donāt know if Iād feel okay without my husband there. I think Iā rather stay at home, in our house. It would be the holiday he should have been on somehow.
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Pretty much how I feel we were,supposed to go to tennerife in 2019 my mums stroke stopped that booked for 2020 civid stopped that we didnāt feel it was ok to go 2021 si had planned on 2022 but at then we sold the house and it looked likely holiday might clash with moving so decided this year but he then got told he had brain tumour and within 5 months was gone. Would love to go to Tenerife but not sure I could handle it
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First day back at work as a nurse , 3 months since Mart died . So so hard leaving the house this morning without a goodbye kiss and hug . Colleagues were lovely but it was like my mind didnāt belong to me Iāve been doing this job 23 years and just felt like I was spinning and needing to cry and then driving home I didnāt want to put key in front door cos he wouldnāt be there !!! I hate this life itās too sad xx
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@Martju
1st off a big hug and well done for going back to work, im supposed to be going back next week, cant say im looking forward to it as like you i wont want to come back home knowing that the flat is empty. Whenever i was at work before i was always thinking of Jane and couldnt wait to be back home with her again. Its definitely going to be another 1st that i need to do
Iām going through the same atm. 
Sending love and hugs 
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Itās very hard to do but a colleague of mines sister was murdered last year by her husband and she came to talk to me today and said work helps her , so maybe it will be good for us itās the coming home that took my breath away , was hoping no neighbours would talk to me tears were pouring down my cheeks xxxx hope it goes ok for you x
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@Martju That must have been so hard but you have a colleague who will understand and at 3 months it is not that long. You have been very brave. The tears are with us a long time. Hugs xxxx
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Thankyou xx was a tough one , take care x
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3 months for me. I donāt know whether to be glad I donāt go to work any more, donāt have to face people. On the other hand I have all day every day just me, retired. I actually found myself looking at jobs yesterday, though Iām too old to get taken on. Iām 69. I suppose itās the charity shops for me then, with all the other sad widows. I used to be content to be at home, both pottering around the place, doing our own thing, but coming together every so often for a cuppa or mealtimes and definitely sitting down about 9pm to see what we could find to watch on telly for a couple of hours. Iām coping and I feel like the very worst is over. Doesnāt mean Iām anything approaching okay, and donāt think I ever will be again. The best of my life is behind me.
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AngelinaH I have also applied for charity work on a Saturday with greyhound rescue , if I donāt stay busy I wonāt be able to carry on xxx you take care hun xxx
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You sound so like me at this minute Polly. Iāve literally given up my job as itās a reminder, my whole world has crashed before my eyes. And to think I never saw this coming. 
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I feel a bit like this. In fact I feel I have become someone else. And in just 3 months, Iāve had new glasses, a microdermabrasion facial and Iām arranging to have my long hair cut short. I feel like Iām someone else, I want to be someone else, I donāt want to be me. Not looking for another partner though, thatās not what this is aboutā¦
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Thatās how itās affecting me. The only way I seem to be dealing with it all is to see this as a new chapter of my life, but I canāt be the same person if Iām to survive the pain of losing the best part of my old life. Iāve cut my hair differently, scrapped the makeup and have stuck to wearing jeans and tops that Rich has never seen. Itās just too painful to be the old me.
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Itās so hard , Bry loved me the way I was so I want t to try & be that person if there is āanyā chance heās watching me . He always complemented me even when I looked rough bless him .
I was just so lucky to have him as we all were with our amazing partners .
This is the most strange & most difficult thing we are all going through . I know Iām not really feeling better 7 weeks in but Iām getting better at āpretendingā I am around certain people .
Truth is I am getting through each day , just hoping itās my day , tomorrow, the next day or the next week , whenever it is I do hope itās soon .
I can live in hope 
xxx
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Iām so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It really feels too much to bare doesnāt it?Thatās probably why it takes so long to accept our new lives and adapt. My life will always be the poorer for not having my Rich in it. I try to hang on to the knowledge that he would hate me to spend the time I have left hiding away from the world. Which is what I really want to do. Iām forcing myself to make the future matter even though Iād much rather have my old life back. As a new teacher years ago I was told to āfake it til you make itā which Iām apply now so I understand youāre pretending to be ok comment. Please take care x
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This all so resonates with me.
Thank you for sharing.
I just want to be with her.
No new me. No old me.
Just in a ferocious kind of painful limbo.
Iām managing the pretending in short bursts, but then collapsing when I get home in a big soggy, painful mess.
5 months today and getting harderā¦ā¦ā¦
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Do you think there is any hope for us?
Iām so scared.
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