Oh littlewitch how awful regrets are, i wish i had been more forceful in making my darling David go for medical appointments then he might have atill been here. I am thinking more and more that i will seek out counselling but i havent got the ashes back yet so it is still very early for me.talking on here helps hugely…like now i am lying here and a few mibutes ago was in a turmoil and i saw your post and have a little respite by xommunicating with you. X
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Thank you for replying to my email. I am not sleeping well and when i wake i have nothing to do as i wake up at silly times. I have been buying all sorts. I have a ridiculous amount of personnelised cushions, blankets and canvas. I got Darrens ashes back last week. I just wanted him with me. I am moving in the bext couple of weeks to a smaller house and feel guilty doing that but its a must as my daughtrr and granddaughter refuse to step into our house.
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Aw regrets seem to follow us wherever we go after someone has died. You couldn’t have known and I wish the hospital had told you first. You did everything you could and did everything for the best. You can speak to him now , or write it down like a letter to him.However long we have with our loved ones, it’s never long enough x
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You don,t needcto feel guilty about moving, you will be taking Darren with you wherever you go, he lives in with you in your heart and mind. You will be busy setting up your new home and finding a place for all your things.i have had a lot of photos printed of me and David in all the places we have been to over the last 21 years, i like them better than the digital ones. We all need to do what we feel is best for us.
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Yeh journalling is such a good way to get your feelings out … you can write to them and feel like you are still talking to them. Tell them how you feel and what has been going on xx
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Hi yes I agree with @Deb5
I’ve been writing to my husbandcever since th day before the funeral so nearly 10 weeks no
I really feel it keeps a connection between us and it really helps me.
I tell him about my day and often hoew much I am missing him. Sometimes my writing is accompanied by tears, occasionally its not. But I will never stop now.
Its like a diary but I write it as if I’m talking to him, as if he’s still here listening to me.
I do find it helps
I only wish I had started it earlier
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Sending you a very big hug.
Thinking of you.
Rose xx
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Its really good thing to do isnt it ? Bereavment counsellors recommend it ! On my bad days i do it ! Shouldve done it yesterday tbh but i just cried - maybe tonight ? Tell him whats happening atm 
it helps so much and in those early days found it invaluable especially ! Bit further on than you now but still do it !! xx
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Oh @Deb5
I really don’t think I will ever stop. I write in the notebook on my phone. I became so terrified I would lose them, my son-in-law suggested I email them to myself. I do that once a week now, and now I’m typing them up and printing them out to keep them in a folder so I can read them whenever I want. Its taking a while, I’m no typist 
Big hugs to you x
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I just dont know what to say or how to hold a conversation. My son and i met a couple of friends aw week ago we were laughing over memories. Since then i have just slowly gone downhill. Its only been 15 weeks and the guilt of laughing at Darrens expense. Everything i do i put a negative spin on it. I dont know what else i can do. I have been writing a diary but mord of what we have been doing companies chasing payments.
I rmm
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I write to Roger as if he was here and I am talking to him.
I tell him everything I’ve been up to and I tell him how much I love and miss him.
I’m very often crying as I write, but thats ok, crying is good.
You’re on the same timeline as me.
Please don’t ever feel guilty for laughing or even enjoying yourself.
Memories are all we have now and if they make us laugh or cry it doesn’t matter. Just hold on to them
Sending you a big hug x
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Ask yourself…what would Darren want you to do with your life ?.
…There’s your answer.
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I only just managed to be allowed to collect Steve’s ashes from the undertaker yesterday. They had been sitting there for 3 months, literally round the corner from my house and I didn’t know; I found out last week. Tonight his daughter has asked me if I have them. Now I’m upset as I think she now wants them. I want him with me.
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I thought I would have been drained of tears by now but they keep coming. Big hugs x
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I thought I’d had a good day.
I came to bed calm and tired
Now I’m still awake and crying.
Will this ever get easier?
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You most likely did have a good day. Which is really positive
But sometimes when we relax and let our guard down a bit the sadness sneaks in.
Being sad and crying isn’t bad - I try see it as a step that I am feeling the grief and owning it. And if I keep doing that then I will move forward and not get stuck. Just one step at a time.
Sending a big hug xx
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Thankyou @roni52
I think just knowing someone is there helps.
Family and friends say phone anytime. But I really don’t think they mean at this time of night/morning
This journey is so unpredictable. I can’t get past the tears. I thought I had today, only had a few at odd times. Then they came with a vengeance tonight.
The eternal rollercoaster. Will we ever get off it?
Sending a hug back x
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I dunno … its crap innit ? Why have we been left like this ? Why is life so cruel … 
im fed up tonight. My 84 year old mum isnt well … its been one thing after the other since my husband passed away ! Im bloody fed up !!
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Yes @Deb5
Life is cruel. Putting us through this just because we dared to love.
What a terrible price we are having to pay.
But I’m glad I loved him, it just hurts so much now. I’ve never felt pain like it
I’m sorry to hear about your Mum. I wish her, and you, well.
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Yes we dared to love indeed !! My husband thought i would be ok ? How wrong he was its like hell on earth !! Everything has just gone wrong since i lost him ! Nothing has gone right ! I feel like im bloody cursed or something !! X
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