Hi
I cry every single day
I talk constantly to Paul
We moved her 10 days before he died
He lived to see us move it was in the pipeline since early January 22 and seemed to take forever
Paul covered everything he knew if things didn’t work out I could be busy here
So I paint farm gates creosote cut loads of grass
Yes I’m busy
Happy no but I love the house and so did Paul so I will say not unhappy as far as the house goes
And don’t mention ‘friends’!
He always said ‘ we’ve got a plan (immunotherapy) it’ll be ok
Hi there, know what you mean. I think anger is another step in grief so I read, sometimes I am so annoyed and try to put my shoulders down and breath slower, it can help but depends on the situation. Stressful things can bring on panic attacks but they should stop eventually. Sending lots of positivity and hugs to you take care of yourself. xxx
My husband was 65 when he passed away also from cancer, he was diagnosed in 2019 and kept pretty well throughout treatment, he went downhill very fast, but he always said he didn’t want to suffer. But as we weren’t expecting him to go so quickly it was such a shock. It’s been a year now and I just go through the emotions each day, but make myself do something, this week I’ve enjoyed a few walks at the beach picking up sea glass and pottery which has been fun, no idea what I’m doing with it. I tried going through hubbys clothes but definitely not ready to get rid of anything, got myself so upset, so all still in same place he left them.
It’s a hard road we all have to walk and not one any of us wanted to be on.
Hello. We were updating our house when husband diagnosed with oesophageal cancer thought we had months but only weeks. Taken a while to get the house organised but has kept me busy. I have tried to do one thing most days. Managed some clothes to charity but still slot I can’t part with. We live near a beach but not walked there without him. Weather here looks wintry so won’t be going out of ice and snow. Take care x
Hi
I haven’t touched Paul’s clothes
They are in a wardrobe ( well 2) and sometimes I open the doors and just look remember and cry
One time I just wanted to climb in where his shirts are all hung up yes in colour order and wrap them around me
He had a blue Rab jacket I have that in bed with me and cuddle it
As you say on a road we never wanted to be on
lol
Xx
PS
His bedside drawers is just as he left them
His alarm clock still there the alarm set at getting up time for work
His working watch and ‘best ‘ watch on the top of the bedside drawers …… all set for when he needed them
And I haven’t cancelled his phone
Xx
@Bess1 Exact same as me. His bank cards are still sitting in his pocket book along with his emergency £10 note that he always carried. His glasses that he used for the computer are exactly where he left them. His slippers are where he left them when he changed into shoes to cut the grass that day. Don’t know how or when I’ll ever move them. Xx
My partner’s belongings are still where she kept them I have even got her winter coat in my car where she left it before she went into hospital I stopped opening her wardrobes because it was too upsetting everything is exactly where she left it I don’t think I will ever be ready to sort Ann’s possessions out
Hi All
Don’t think I’ll ever move Paul’s belongings
Even his wallet still has the small amount of money in
He loved money in his wallet always did until Covid changed the way we shop…… just like that emergency £10 note you mentioned
I kept his van and it’s exactly as he left it all his necessary stuff in the front glasses ice scraper ( always in the front summer or winter!)
When I go out in it I talk to him constantly
It’ll always be Paul’s van
Hope we get through this weekend
They mean absolutely nothing now
Just another day to get through…….
Yes there personal belongings definitely the hardest to go through, Dave’s watch I’ve put in it’s box for our only grandson when he grows up as Dave always told him, we had two cars I now drive his, my daughter has mine for time being it gives me comfort having his car, his wallet also has a £20 note in it with his cards, his iPad b everything he had on it, he had written about his cancer journey on it, it’s hard to read but also knew how much he loved me, he also used to sing at karaoke My Way and he had recorded himself singing it before he lost his voice, I only came over it my chance a few months ago and listen to it most days
@Danielle2
Like you I found the second year much harder than the first & you actually can’t imagine it being any harder but it is, in a different way. The overwhelming tears dissipated somewhat, became less frequent but the realisation of the fact they’re not coming back, hits you more. The thought of having to live a different life without them, forge your own path brings a different grief. You find you keep the grief more to yourself as people’s expectations change, think you must be getting over it. The memories get further away, their names not mentioned as often, the fear of him being forgotten is raw. The thought of what to do with his wardrobe full of clothes & shoes that you feel you don’t want to part with because they evoke memories. I’m four years on & for me time isn’t a healer it’s a sticking plaster. The grief may not be constant but the wound is still there & every now & again that plaster is ripped off & you feel that raw pain again. The problem as time goes on is you don’t share that pain & most people stop asking. I still have days where I shut myself off from everything because I’m hurting too much.
Sending love & strength
Dear @Jodel712
Thank you for your post, yes, as you can see from my reply to @Danielle2 earlier in this conservation, I feel exactly you.
Bless you… 16 months for me, and nothing of my husbands has been moved from where it was… Except I wear a lot of his clothes, so they’ve been washed , it comforts me wearing his clothes, and washing them, and having them dry next to my own clothes
Hugs to you all on here
I feel now each day I’m getting further away from Paul and like you say
Folks stop asking
Folks stop mentioning Paul
Folks ‘expect’ us to feel ok
How can we?
The love of our life has gone
I don’t want a new life I yearn for my life with Paul again
And yes as you say the realisation of the ‘never agains’ punch you in the stomach
The denial
The unacceptance
The harsh reality of it all
In real terms it was going to happen ‘one day’ we couldn’t comprehend that day
We didn’t think about it
And now it’s happened it’s just shit
I cannot describe any differently
I’m not living I’m exsisting and probably will until the day I join Paul
I know he wouldn’t want me like this we would
I don’t apologise to myself
It is what it is Paul always said that
And the fact is m heart is well and truly broken
Hi, I also found the second year , terrible / heartbreaking and so lonely . I’m now into third year and feel the same . I don’t actually know how I have got this far …lived/ existed without my one and only true love . We were one person ,loved and laughed so much together. We could sit in a comfortable silence just knowing we were together. Now I sit often in silence with just my memories, what I really just want to share with Chris ,we made those memories together, we still should be able to share those memories as one . I know I still miss and love Chris so much , but I think we all still feel so bad because we are still IN love with our partners and always will be , just my thoughts .all X take carex
Hi @Bess1
I could have written your post.
I feel exactly the same…nothing will ever be okay ever again.
And now 16 months on, if I dare to say I’m not okay, people just look exasperated at me…
I can’t help it, it’s how I feel, I’m just sad, and lonely, and missing my soulmate so very much all the time
Hi @Broken2222
My heart aches for you.
I understand… every thing just feels so s**t doesn’t it. No end to our torment, till we are reunited, or know no different.
I don’t fear death for me at all. I’m looking forward to it.
Some family and friends would be horrified at me saying that…which just proves they have no idea what living my/ our life is like.
