@Bess1 , I really can’t answer that , I might get kicked off the site for being too negative x I just know we have to just live / exist till we are no more. Whatever way we can . Sending hug x @Cathphil , I’m not afraid of dying , more afraid of living a long lonely sad life , I have to believe I will be with Chris one day . That’s what keeps me going , and if I’m not then I will be dead . And won’t know any different . Sorry for being so blunt. Sending hug .all xtake carex
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Cathphil
I know exactly what you mean I have no friends or family and since Ann passed away I’m just wondering why I’m still here the only reason I have to stop myself from joining Ann is my fur baby Xmas eve was really bad for me I ended up in the mental health hospital and they stopped me from taking my own life talking to the councillor she said she will never understand why people have no fear of death just because a loved one has passed away like you say people have no idea what our lives are like now it’s hard to say to everyone who posts messages on here but I hope you take care
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Managed to fill a memorial necklace for our girl this morning (my step daughter), horrific, again passenger seat empty on shopping trip! Cashier asked about Cath… this seems never ending 
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Hi Helen24, i too have horrible flashbacks. It’s like being there all over again, sights, sounds, smells & emotions.
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Hi Scamp1
I to have flash backs well if you can call them that
It’s 2 years since Paul diagnosed I vividly remember every consultant meeting every conversation
Every single appointment for everything
I have a diary been keeping one since I was 6 yes and ive every single one
Don’t need to look back for dates of appointments I know them
The conversations go over and over in my head as if it was yesterday
Yes I am leading a very sad lonely ‘alone’ life
If you’ve never been in our situation you just don’t comprehend the sheer brokenness of the situation
This is why this site helps
We ‘get’ it
Here’s to tomorrow and another day of existence
Take care everyone
Xx
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Hi Bess1, yes this place is good cos people get it. I hate the flashbacks, i’m living it again, the last moments & then i question myself. I just take each day as it comes & try & deal with whatever it throws at me. Kind of go with the flow. We never really know totally what tomorrow will bring but we do know sadness & loneliness will be there. Night all, take care.
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@Bess1 I have to convince myself everyday it is and I’m doing it for them. Whilst I’m here Derek will never be forgotten. Went to the football yesterday we always had season tickets & I kept Derek’s going too. His sister uses mine & I sit in his seat. I have a conversation with him in my head, particularly if we’re playing rubbish. I gave one of his winter football coats to his brother who had it on yesterday, first time he’d worn it & I had mixed emotions. But it was good to see it out of a cupboard & back at the football, sadly not with him wearing it 
we won though so it was a lucky charm.
Every good thing is tainted though because they’re missing it. We have a grandson & he makes my life worth living, but it also breaks my heart that Derek didn’t get to meet him, he’s so like his Grandad too in his mannerisms. I often read this poem by Donna Ashworth & have posted before but it’s always relevant.
Take care 
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Hi jodel 712
Beautiful poem…… thank you
It’s so bloody hard tho
I do chatter to Paul all the time he is missing so much
I often say to him
Are you missing me as much im missing you ……. I know the answer
Hugs to all
Xx
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That’s a lovely poem, thank you.
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That is beautiful xxx
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That is so beautiful. Thank you. I have got tears streaming down my face.
I love Donna Ashworth, but I haven’t seen that poem before.
I’m so glad you posted it.
Thank you so much 
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@Jodel712 … thank you so much for posting that poem. It has really touched my heart and lifted my spirits today.
Thank you xx
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Hi Everyone.
Having a tough day
Last night , a little reluctantly I went to a party of an old friend, and part of quite a big circle of people I’ve known for a very long time…
Known them for almost 40 years… Saw lots of people I haven’t for a while.
A few single people there, who have never been married, BUT the rest of them all couples, NO other widows. Just me.
I coped. Somehow. but to be honest, no idea how I did. It was really, really hard. Only stayed a couple of hours…
And you know the hardest part is that everyone assuming I’m okay,
‘getting better’ ‘moving on’ ’ and will be able to do it again’ just because I dared to go, and seemingly managed(?!) No one knows what it took out of me to do it.
It’s made me feel really down today. Been crying more… Mixture of guilt for daring to go in first place, and intense sadness at having done it without Phil.
And no-one to talk to about the ‘evening out’
I’m confused. I HATE the thought that people think I’m moving forward. ( My mum was like ’ oh that’s so good you went, you’re moving on, now you will be able to do it again!!!)
I haven’t moved on… In fact, I’ve just taken a million steps backwards…
I hate that people don’t understand that…
Not you lot though… I know you will ‘get me’
Thank you all of you 
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Hi cathphil
I am so so sorry for you what it must’ve taken for to even get there deserves a medal
The getting ready jewellery on yes ‘the face’
Just cos you are up dressed folks think you are coping
Well as you know I’m not
It’s like a double life isn’t it and when you do tell folks you are finding it hard they look at you as if to come in it’s 18 months now
That’s written all over thier face
I think you did really really well last night
I had a similar situation and I hated it
My Paul was missing and I will never ever put myself in a situation again where I feel vulnerable
Yes I know we have to try to have a life but
I stay at home going out just upsets me
Couples
Folk having a laugh
Folk basically living
And yes coming home and no one to share it with …… sheer sheer hell
Always be here for you ‘we’ get it
Take care
Xx
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PS
We are a month apart
I lost Paul 24 July 2022
Just shit!
Xx
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@Bess1
thank you so much for your reply, just knowing some one had read my post and understands really helps:revolving_hearts:
And yes the ‘look’ on people’s faces if you dare to say, or show that your not okay.
It’s like , ‘Really!’ ‘What still!’ ‘I’m bored of you now!’
And so you bottle it up, and feel even more alone.
Big hugs 
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So beautiful thank you.
I have actually been practicing this for a long while and it helps so much- so soothing and comforting!
Take care x
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PPS Cathphil
You’ve hit the nail on the head
What still!
One more thing I cannot do
I always say we or our
For the life of me I cannot say me mine
And I cannot think of myself as a widow
My brain fortunately won’t let me go there
To me Paul is and always will be with me
He’s in my heart my soul my DNA
But I’m so alone ‘lost’
And yes struggling
lol
Xx
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One day when ‘these ‘ folk who appear to say I’m bored with you now will realise what a shit time being bereaved means
Xx
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