Hello Lily, just wondering if you managed to get back to your home today? If so, I hope it went well. I did okay last night, my first night back on my own. Had a lot of visitors during the afternoon/evening, and felt exhausted and slept for about 6 hours, which is good for me at the moment. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and wishing you well. Hugs from Elaine
Hello, just read your message and I wanted you to know I am very sad for the loss of your dear Mum, its so hard to lose someone you love very much. I am finding I need space to let out the tears and grief, my dear husband passed on the 29th November and he was the love of my life. The sadness seems to come in waves for me, but after a good cry, I do feel a little better. Take care of yourself and a big hug to you and your brothers. Elaine
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Hello Elaine
I’m so glad your home and got some sleep I hope you feel some comfort from your surroundings with happy memories.
Yes got home today walking in the front door and knowing that George wasn’t there was heartbreaking but I must say I fell more relaxed being back in our on home with all our memories around me just had a shower hopefully I will sleep and start tomorrow with some peace as I hope you find as well take care you are in my thoughts .
Hugs to you lily
THankyou so much for your reply Elaine,
I am of course so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. And the sadness you are experiencing.,but glad to know you feel some relief after a good cry.
Today was really good in a lot of ways, and unexpected. Some family members visited early this morn and stayed most of the day. They were so supportive to me and my dad initially, giving us so much comfort and compassion., and then the same for my three brothers who came later on with their partners and children.
My dad had a tea spoon of whisky in his tea along with his brother and brother in law to help relax, and away they chatted.
My aunties were amazing support also…I felt really drained at one point, and was struggling to focus a bit, but kept going, I lit some lovely candles and made a log fire in our kitchen for comfort and warmth, as other unexpected friends and family turned up. The house was pretty full now with everyone sharing hugs and conversation. The vibe very comforting to keep our spirits high. Tears were shed by most, but soon followed by some relief , like yourself.
My mum would be so happy to see us all together in this way, comforting each other.
Yet more people came, so the day passed quickly., a beautiful day to remember to help cushion the grief and sadness.
I wish you more relief each day that goes by. A big hug too,take care of yourself Dear.
Cecilia x
I’m so sorry for your loss, my husband had a fall and was taken into hospital on 16th November, on the 28th I was told by the doctors that he had terminal liver cancer. The shock was devastating, he died 8 days later on the 6th December. I didn’t do cards or presents, Christmas didn’t exist for me, I’ve been back at my home since last Friday after spending over 4 weeks at my daughters. Like you my husband was my life, we were together all the time, coming back to this empty home is frightening, everywhere are reminders of him. I’ve not slept properly for weeks now, I dread going to bed. Like you there’s the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the fear of being alone. I don’t know how I’ve kept going I just get through each day, my daughter’s going to arrange some councilling for me. It does help communicating with others in this horrendous situation, you are in my thoughts as is everyone on this site.
Janet
I’m sorry for your loss in such a short time must be horrendous I feel for you everybody keeps telling me it will get better in time but how do you come to terms with something that was there two people together enjoying later life together and then it’s cruelly taken away like you my home is not the same because she’s not there it’s the most awful situation to be in all we can do as people keep telling me take one day at a time to try to get through this nightmare
Hi everyone
I am so sorry for everyone’s losses. I lost my dad on the 6th December and the only thing I can say to help provide some comfort is that our loved one’s are now at peace and not suffering and it is only their body (physical presence) that has left us.
I believe love is eternal and they are still always with us in our hearts and memories and are giving us their strength to continue onwards as they would not want us to suffer. Our pain is not what they lived and died for. They loved us and want us to be free of this pain and this is what keeps me going.
I think it is so important even in our grief to celebrate their lives and who they were. These are the memories of them we need to focus on. Death is only a tiny part of them and not the whole. When I feel sad I focus on a happy memory and I count my blessings how fortunate I am to have had dad in my life and to be graceful enough to let him go to a world of peace and no more suffering. I can handle grief but what I could not handle is my dad suffering and especially with a diminished quality of life. They live on through us and we have to be brave and live through them too. This is what love is.
Change the tears to a smile, change the heartache to love and acceptance. We can do this. It is their wish for us and we cannot let them down.
Much love
Lyn
xx
I have just been to California to spend Christmas with my son and his wife and daughter. It sounded so glamorous to everybody but I just wanted to escape. My husband died in March and his birthday would have been on New Year’s Eve. I quite enjoyed being in the USA because, being with the family, I didn’t have to think but now I am back and having to face the future alone again. It is scary. I am 73 and don’t feel I have a lot of time to wait to get my life back. To be honest I don’t remember the last nine months. It is all a haze. I keep busy and this helps. I go out to classes, play the piano and do some walking. I listen to the radio when I am in and this helps. I have to get out and meet people. If I stay in all day I get very depressed. Of course strategies depend on the person but you need something to do. I do music theory and Italian. When I am tempted to phone the Samaritans ( I have done many times) I do my Italian or music theory instead. It helps me. I don’t find all this easy as I am so tired and my concentration has gone but it still helps. I wish you well and hope you find a strategy to cope. Hugs of hope. Pattoa.
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Hi pattoa thanks for your post I agree to try to keep busy I’m a joiner by trade and when my wife was alive I used to spend a lot of time in my small workshop (shed) I have made a bed a fire surround bird boxes among other things but now I find it hard to concentrate I feel guilty that I should have spent more time with Julie and can barely go into my shed it’s probably crazy but that is how I feel at the moment
Hi
I felt the need to reply to you. I lost my husband in September 2016, suddenly and totally unexpectedly with a brain haemorrhage. Like others have said, he was my best friend and although we had family, colleagues and friends we were happy just to be together. We had looked after my parents for 10 years and as our son had reached adulthood we were looking forward to ‘our time’. We had moved to an easier, smaller house and had plans to make it exactly as we wanted it and to have trips and holidays, a good life. It wasn’t to be.
But 16 months later I am stronger and I just wanted you to know it can get better. I coped by keeping busy, I have completed the renovations to the house, been on holiday and trips with friends and family. My best advise is to make plans to keep busy and to have something to look forward to. It’s early days for you, give yourself time, councelling does help, also mild medication may ease your feelings?
I’m not saying my way is right, just that it worked for me. Move to somewhere different, get a pet (my dog has been a treasure) push yourself to join clubs and get out, maybe go to coffee mornings for the bereaved?
The grief is always there but councelling teaches you to build around it, it doesn’t get less, life builds around it. Take care x
Hi Lyn T
I am truly sorry for you loss of your beloved dad any one passing from our life is overwhelming.
I am so happy that you have found away to turn your tears to once of joy with all your memories please believe me when I tell you I am trying to do this but sadly my heart is broken.
I lost the love of my life who I had been with for 36years married for 30 and the day he died I died with him.
I sat and watched a beautiful man fight from the 11 th of October till the 26th of November fight to stay with me but his body would not let him .
For the last 12 years our kids had all left home so it was just us two he called us two peas in a pod .
I miss his beautiful blue eyes his smile his smell his voice his hands in mine .
I miss his hole being the pain of not seeing him is so overwhelming at times I don’t want to be here I was loved and I truly loved my husband and I hope and pray like you someday I will find pease .
Lily
Hi John David
Thank you for getting in touch, I’m crying as I write this. Like you say when there’s the two of us now there’s just me. I’m so frightened and lonely here on my own. I came back to my home last Friday after being at my daughters for over 4 weeks, everywhere I look there’s reminders of Jack. I don’t drive and it’s isolated here, with a long walk to a bus stop. Jack used to take me out in the car, I always had that for shopping etc. I miss him so much. Like you say nothing’s the same here without him, I get up after another sleepless night. I don’t know what I’m going to do, just try and get through one day at a time, I feel so ill. You are in my thoughts, as is everyone on this site.
Janet
Hi Lily & Janet
I’ve read your posts and they are ones I could have written too. I am moping around indoors - trying to keep away from people today after I made a fool of myself yesterday by sobbing my heart out at the Opticians.
I have things I should be doing - HMRC keep sending me texts about my tax but I’ve got no motivation to do anything. How are we going to get through this? I’ve read the posts from others who have found things to do but I still keep thinking what’s the point? I have lost interest in everything.
Yvonne
Hi Lily
Grief is like a rollercoaster, it affects everyone in different ways and is unique to us. Their is no right or wrong way as I am learning slowly. My heart goes out to everyone going through this because it is truly heartbreaking.
My dad too fought from 14 Nov to 6th December and watching them lose their fight is truly heart wrenching There are no words to describe it. Dad was such a strong man but like your husband his body had had enough.
I try everyday not to let the awful memories of his death overshadow the happy memories of his life.
The love you and your husband shared together will always be there and it is so nice to hear amongst this sad world that you both found that love and treasured it and I so hope in time that will give you peace and strength
Big hugs
x
I feel your pain there doesn’t seem to be a point anymore I don’t think our loved ones would want us to be like this my wife Julie wouldn’t that is why I always said I wanted to go first I know she would have coped better than I am it’s a nightmare which as no end try to be strong I know it’s not easy but remember you can always just come on this site and talk about it take care john
Hi Yvonne
I’m like you moping around indoors, I’ve not even got dressed yet! I’ve got things to do around the house, but I’ve no motivation to do anything. I have to go to town on Friday, to go to the bank, my daughter will take me. Last time I went I broke down in floods of tears, I’ll have to try and sort out how I’m going to do things like shopping, my Jack used to take me in the car, I’m so isolated here it’s very frightening. I may try Age UK I think they can help with shopping etc. Like you I’ve lost interest in everything, I’m sitting here on my own the tele is on but I’m not watching it. You understand exactly what I’m going through, it’s like a never ending nightmare. Thinking of all of us on this site.
Janet
I just wanted to share this poem with everyone:
When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears. Be happy we had so many years.
I gave you my love and you can only guess how much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you have shown but now it’s time I travelled alone.
So grieve a while for me if grieve you must then let your grief be comforted by trust. It’s only for a while that we must part so bless those memories in your heart.
I won’t be far away for life goes on, so if you need me, call and I will come. Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near with all my love around you soft and clear.
And then, when you must come this way alone, I’ll greet you with a smile and “Welcome you Home”
Hi Janet and Yvonne
Sorry everything is so hard for us all I keep thinking tomorrow is a other day it might be better so far it’s not .
I had a meeting with my work yesterday I don’t drive so I had to get the bus I live in a close village community so I know the bus driver and most of the people on the bus god it was heartbreaking I cried all the way to my meeting cried all the way through the meeting and all the way home .
I couldn’t get my hover to work this morning and sat on the stairs in the hall crying my eyes out I could imagine George standing looking at me saying oo god pet don’t cry .
I am trying as you all are to take it a day at a time but I’m finding the days so long and the night longer .
I am thinking of us all and I am praying for us all that this journey will become a journey of love and memories not heartbreaking and overwhelming big hugs to you all take care .
Lily
Hi Lily
I felt for you going to a meeting at work. It must have been so hard. Are you ready to go back yet? I still have to officially wind up my business cancel software programmes, pay my tax, shut down the bank account etc. Not motivated to do it yet.
Maybe next week! Then I am retired - nothing to do at all. Just endless days. I suddenly feel very old.
I felt your frustration when the Hoover wouldn’t work. I had to defrost the freezer. It was thick with ice. I was hopeless at it. Geoff always did it and it would have been done properly. It’s times like that we really miss them being around. It’s not that we are incapable it’s just that ’ it was their jobs’.
I had thought by now I would be able to take time to focus on our happy memories but I can’t even go there - the pain is still too raw.
Thinking of you and everyone else trying to get through this.
Yvonne x
I have been reading your posts and want to say something helpful. It is now ten months since my husband died. We did have issues which left me with lots of regrets, guilt, wishing I had said some things and not others etc. Guilt and regret are awful because you can’t change anything. People say nice things like ‘It’s early days, be nice to yourself, forget the past and go forward, make a new life for yourself’. You even say these things to yourself but it is only words. Emotionally you are stuck in the past. Now, suddenly, for me,there is a small crack in the clouds. For a few minutes I actually enjoy the freedom of being on my own. The fact that you can’t change the past has taken on a new meaning and I am learning to live with the past in a more positive way. At 73, if I am lucky I may have another ten years of life. I hope to do something good with it. It won’t be something earth shattering but if I keep regretting everything I will ruin the present which will then become something else to regret. The healing process takes different amounts of time for everyone I am told. I am only a little way along it but it is happening. I hope it will happen to all of you in time and that you will find some kind of new life. Hugs of hope. Pattoa.
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