Friends not calling or meeting after mum passed away

[Layla1]

Hello everyone, my passed away this January at home, it was so unexpected. We thought she had a virus as she was not eating well and vomiting. She died of a heart attack, I found her with head tilted back on a chair in the kitchen.

I have this problem that is eating away at me, I feel few of my long term friends whom I’ve know for over 20 years, haven’t come to see me after my mum passes away. One of them does live in Manchester and has a family, she has told me before it is too far away for her to come and visit. She is not the type of person to jump on a train or a coach. She has a partner who could drive her to see me, but I think things are a bit awkward with him. Previously I had cancer and she never came to see me until 3 years after I got better. My brother says he would have dumped that friend. The day my mum died I called her, and told her my mum had passed away and I was waiting for the ambulance to come. After that day she did not attempt to call me. I called her a 1-2 weeks later, she claimed she couldn’t get through to mobile phone and had called my land line. In one phone conversation she said we will meet one day, but she is not making any arrangements. We have known each other for over 40 years why can’t she just make an effort to come and see me. My 80 year old who is incontinent came to my house to see me. Putting on a nappy, and coming to my house with a walking stick.

My other friend who I told about my mum passing said I could call anytime. Many months passed since I told her about my mum passing away. I texted her to see how she is. She said she had been thinking about me and one day I should come to her house for lunch. I have tried to arrange with her 2 times for us to meet up, but one time she said she forgot and another time she said she had been invited away somewhere and would rearrange to meet up with me another time. This friend has been coming to my house for 15 years, and my mum always cooks something for her. She has never invited me to her house for anything to eat and her mother has never invited me to her house for anything to eat. This friend is in a new relationship and has moved in with this new partner, this is the reason, she can’t be bothered with me.

I have an aunt also in Manchester who has not come to see me since my mums funeral. She has been to see her daughter in London 3 times this year, her husband drives her there and picks her up. She claims my uncle finds it more difficult to drive as he is getting older. My aunt has tried to be supportive by calling me once a month, however I feel disappointed she hasn’t come to see me.

I don’t know what has happened to me recently, I was feeling not so bad before, but these thoughts keep going round and round in my mind. I feel like I am making myself sick.

I am trying to find things online about other peoples experiences with friends and if they have been supportive. I have read some articles where friendships and family relationships have broken down.

I am feeling isolated, I go to work and hardly talk to anyone there. I used to live with my mum and now I live alone, in the house I grew up in. Sometimes I talk to my brother or my cousin in the evening. Sometimes I feel like I am counting down the days till I pass away.

[Seaneen]

Hello @Layla1, I’m so sorry about your mum. You deserve care and support and I’m sorry that you’re feeling let down by your friends. Sadly, you’re not alone in this. You might relate to this thread, that @PandoraG posted recently.

Hopefully someone will be along to share their experiences, but I just wanted you to know that you have been heard.

[PandoraG]

Yes i can understand what you are going through.

I just had surgery a week ago and have been trying to get my best friend to come and help me.

She finally said that i have to help myself first.

Fortunately i have a friend that lives 15 minutes away that has been helping me.

The world is different than it was even 20 years ago.

People tend to be more self-centred and dont think of others much.

My best friend did finally ask if she could come to see me tomorrow.

It will be nice to see her but i dont know if its out of guilt or what. It doesnt matter at least she is coming.

Hang in there

[Steven]

Hello all
When I lost my mum my dad quickly found out his friends weren’t there for him. I confronted one of them and I told my dad’s ex best friend and his mate some friend you are. You make me sick the both of you. You should be ashamed of the way you have treated my dad and you are no longer welcome at our home.
I’ve also got an aunty my mums sister who doesn’t even know my mums has left us she’d of bothered to be a decent sister to my mum. You know what I hope she rots in hell.

[LD126]

I lost a friend who told me I had too many problems and she wasn’t strong enough. Another promised a walk and we’re waiting fourteen months on for that call. I found strangers are able to deal with your grief and the fair weather people just don’t want to invest in being with a sad person. How they expect you to move in if you’re left alone, Idk. I found other people who are kind but the loss of friendship and a dear one makes it doubly hard.

[Rhody]

My thoughts go out to you and i know exactly how you feel, we feel deserted and totally alone, the fact is whether we like it or not, most people are very fickle and so concerned with their own life they don’t give a thought to others, but one day great loss will happen to them to.

[LD126]

My friend had been through a divorce when she’d had a life threatening illness and you’d think once you’d even deserted you would empathises with a bereaved person. We’re all going through something why can’t people pull in the same direction? Thanks for the kind words

[Shelly2]

Hello all
So helpful to be able share experiences of how friends behave after you have lost a loved one!

My mum died in Feb and although my mum was 96, prior to going into hospital everyone thought she would get her 100 year card from the king!

In addition to my mum’s passing we have lost 10 family members and around 6 friends. So I am also coping with cumulative grief.

My husband has gone through numerous health issues including cancer.

We will also soon have to move out of the family home, which is stressful in more ways than one.
I have to be honest most of my long term friends have been there without any conditions! So I am really blessed.
One supposed friend has shocked me completely, we used to meet once a week both in a women’s support group and then both her and I would go and have a coffee. Since my mum died, I have just not been able to meet with her after. I find that she will talk over the same things again about how her family treat her etc. In my opinion these are things she could change. She does not ask how are you coping with the loss of your mum or the other issues. I once sent her a text saying I did not see the point in life. This was ignored. It all feels like because I do not have the time or energy to listen to the small stuff she has pulled away. So you really do learn who your true friend are when you are grieving and going through life changing events. I am sure that she has spoken to another lady from our group. Who she supposedly never liked. As recently the other lady who I’ve always liked said something. Perhaps you could go first as you get tired and want to leave early and from that snippet i feel there was a conversation. (We were all having a treatment).

What I have learned as hard as it is not to have expectations that every friend will be there with you through the grief. As much as it hurts I have had to distance myself to save myself from the upset.

[Cat_fan]

I think you have struck the nail on the head!
I’m not making excuses for anyone and we all find those conversations difficult but some just don’t know how to handle these situations!

With love, compassion and understanding would be my approach!

A few years back when my aunt was struggling with cancer, my wife and I would pick them up and go to lunch every month as long as she was well enough - sadly she passed away 7 years ago but my uncle has not been to visit once since her diagnosis in 2019, not the slightest effort and he lives 5 minutes away. It’s my wife’s funeral Monday and I hope he doesn’t attend as if he cared and had any respect for her he would have made some effort

[Turtle009981]

Hi there,

I’m sorry about your loss.

Let me tell you something about friends. After losing my mum this past February, I felt more lonely than ever in my life. I still feel lonely, but I’m working on it.

People that don’t really care about you will disappear when you go through the worst times of your life. Friends will stay.

In my case, some told me they had to stop talking to me for a while because they did not know how to help & they were having their own issues (Fair enough).

Others, like my ‘‘best’’ friend since childhood literally stopped messaging for 7 months, after which I messaged. Her reply were a few cold words and a ‘‘wish you all the best’’, to get me out of the way. Never got an explanation of what happened.

And then, a couple of friends (that I did not expect ) stood by my side all along.

Sometimes, you need to ask people what you want from them. Two things can happen, either they give it to you, or they don’t. And if they don’t is their choice, not your problem.

I tell this to myself everyday: please let go of people who don’t love you, value you, or simply don’t do good for you. You have enough with your grief, to be suffering for people that don’t care & don’t put the effort for you.

And drop expectations, it just creates anxiety. No one is going to change because you want them to, and you will be happier with accepting this.

Anyways, I hope you eventually find people that support you. I think therapy works really good as well. Or group therapy, which is something I am considering too.

[LD126]

I agree entirely with your post. What I don’t understand is why they run away. We have all backed off a bit when someone you know casually is bereaved but you wait until they resume life. It seems the closer you are the more you repel people who cannot empathise. The people who really upset me are those who talk about themselves, my grief is bigger than yours. Even if it was twenty years ago and you’ve just lost someone. Those people need to take a good look in their behaviour.

[Jay15]

I have just read your post and you’re not alone in this situation. I have a so called friend of 30 yrs and not once has she offered any help. It’s me that keeps ringing her . Not going to bother any more. Another phoned me up and asked where the hell have i been.she came ro7nd ine night only because her husband had gone to bed. I was having a real bad day and said i didn’t feel like company. She then said how awful i looked and how i was going to feel worse. That was 6 months ago and haven’t seen her since. She will never come in my house again. I’ve realised i have no what you call friends and i just hope they never feel as bad as this. So sorry about your mom but you’ll feel better one day. Its awful at the.moment but hopefully we’ll all get there. Tomorrow i have tobgo to hospital appointment (nothing serious) but it’s the same place i spent the the worst night of my life watching my husband slipaway. People know how i feel about walking in rhat place but as you can guess no one’s offered to come with me. I’ll go it alone. How people act like they do astounds me. But I’m sure these things will make us stronger. Take care…x

[Steven]

When I lost my mum I found out the people I thought were my friends weren’t friends at all. They all had the damned cheek to say you’ll get over this and some said I’ll be there for you when you need me I never seen them after that. My mums sister doesn’t even know my mum has left. She wouid of known if she had been a decent sister to my mum. She’s one selfish woman.
In 7 years I lost my mum it’s only been my dad and I supporting each other. I didn’t want him to face losing my mum on his own. He had couple of friends who never not once came to see him. I saw them once I told them exactly what I think of him. His friends wife defended his behaviour I told her well your an utter disgrace defending the indefensible now get out of my face and take poor excuse of human being your husband with you

[LD126]

I’ve had to go back to the hospital a few times and it’s horrible. I just tell myself it meant nothing to Mum, it’s just a place. Your husband needed you and the hospital is just a building. I’m sorry people as so cold, they’re just keeping themselves cocooned from emotion., self preservation. Feels like all the good folk go first. Hope is goes well and quickly

[Steven]

The way I feel I hope those people who were never there for me and my dad find out what it’s like to have it done to them

[Jay15]

Thanks for that. I’m sure I’ll be ok. Yes you’re right it’s just a building. I’m getting used to going it alone now. I’ve never experienced the way some people act as i just couldn’t be like that i think I’m learning now. Hope none of them bother me in future. Take care x

[Jay15]

It’s strange what you say about your mum’s sister. When i phoned my husbands brother to tell him what had happened all he said was sorry to hear that and put the phone down on me. Haven’t heard from him since. Unbelievable. Hope i never see him or his sister again. They just didn’t want yo know . Hope they can sleep at night. Well i hope you and your dad keep well. X

[Steven]

Thank you.
Well I’m sorry to say but I wish hell on my mums sister. She’s a horrible specimen I can’t even use the word human being. My dad never contacted my mums sister to let my mum had left us. I don’t blame one bit because that evil woman wasn’t there when my mum was seriously ill. She put her husband before my mum. Some sister. From now on it’s just my dad I supporting each other. The rest can rot

[Jay15]

I know exactly how you feel. My husbands sister was so bad even her daughter left to livenin Australia to get away. The thing I’ve learnt not to dwell on the fact of how awful people can be. They are just not worth it. Just forget them. You’ve got your dad and he’s got you. That’s all that matters. Take care and best wishes to you both. X

[LD126]

Is anyone else getting the trite Christmas cards saying how much they feel for you etc? Not heard a word in months and yet they are so supportive on paper. Bitter, me? Course not