my mum passed on Fri eve I was there and its Sunday now I have come home 120 miles away and I cant believe its happened. she deserved so much more and I let her down and now she has gone.
I will go on I know its only time that will help I don’f deserve to live but I wouldn’t burden my son with my death that would be cruel and I am too much of a coward.
I cant atone for my actions , mum was so innocent in the end I dont recognise the person I am …so ashamed
I’m so very sorry. 
It’s good that you have your son, so you aren’t completely alone. I know the guilt is crushing, I’ve been there. Yes, time will ease it a little, but please find a counsellor to talk to who listens and lets you speak about it at length. You get stuck in the thought loops on your own and that only makes it worse. To break those loops you can also try to write to your mum, a letter or in a journal, just to get it out of your head and onto the paper. 
yes today is the first day back at home I have taken someones dog fir a walk and she than cooked me lunch, i dont deserve such kind ness and still the loop is in my head.
the guilt and shame is overwhelming . i hit myself and talk myself through it all .
before i was spending all my time with mum but now i cant control it at all.
i know is pointless i know no one else feels that it is warranted.
there is nothing i can do now but day by day get through. as i will not end it .
i am going to break its like a slow car crash that i cant stop.
i am not garnering sympathy, i just dont know what to do.
docs tmrw may be a bit of chemical intervention.
thank you for your reply
I feel your pain, I’ve been there with the hurting myself too. It won’t be quite as raw after a few weeks, but that doesn’t help you now. I’m glad you got out and got some lunch and even more so that you’ll see a doctor. Take all the help you can get, even if you don’t feel you deserve it right now, and ask the doctor if he/she can refer you to someone to talk to as soon as possible. I know logic doesn’t work, but this is too much for you to bear alone. You need someone to vent to in person. Sending love and hugs.
no talking to anyone before two months after a bereavement , doc doesn’t want me to take antidepressants for the same reason as you have to process the grief first.
I just dont know what to do with all this guilt and shame. hurting myself is not the answer I know but what do I do, I know its one hour then one day at a time and breathe. very tired now thank you for your time
What?! That’s horrible, you need the help now, not in two months.
I don’t know if you’re in UK, but I just saw this comment from the Sue Ryder team in another thread. Maybe something to try? I hope the link works.
yes the sue Ryder counselling is also only after two months.
yes i am in Wales.
wow woke up this morning and realised this is the rest of my life . i dont want to seem dramatic but maybe its too hard. i didnt know i was this person
Hi @olive3 - im so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum 6 months ago and i know how completely agonising and heartbreaking it can feel. I also feel frustrated at the lack of support given to people in the very early stages of grief - I think they assume you’ll get all the support you need from family and friends in the initial weeks/months, but thats just not the case for everyone.
I dont know if this may be of any use but Ive included a link for the Wales Bereavement Information and Support Service - they might offer group support near you?
I would also suggest if you have any hospices in your local area, phone them/check their website as they sometimes offer free bereavement support regardless of whether your mum was a patient or not. A hospice close to me runs a drop in aimed specifically at people who are bereaved less than 3 months. Why doesnt everywhere do this?!!
Whilst you cant access counselling right now, there are helplines you can call if you are in immediate distress and need to speak to someone. Ive not used them personally so I cant vouch for the quality of support, but they will provide a listening ear:
Cruse helpline (closes 3pm) 0808 808 1677
CALM (5pm- midnight) 0800 585858
Samaritans (24 hours) 116 123
On the days where you cant bring yourself to talk to others but dont want to feel alone, i found listening to grief related podcasts was helpful. Ones i found helpful were Good Mourning and Griefcast, but there are lots more out there.
And this site has also been a lifeline - you are surrounded by people at all stages of loss, and we all support each other. Just take one day at a time right now. Dont think any further than that. You’re not alone
Ok, that’s frustrating. 
I saw that Ally had given you some great suggestions, I hope something there will work out. All the feelings you have are valid and you absolutely don’t seem dramatic, I understand that you are hurting. Like Ally said, it can be helpful to read other’s stories on this forum and to comment, if you have the energy. 
thank you both for the suggestions , difficult to breathe today.
sorry everyone only five days in and such a hard day I just dont know how i am going to get through this
Dont apologise- until youve experienced it, i dont think anyone realises the huge impact losing a parent can have. You say your sister was your mums carer, so im sure she must be grieving too. Are you close- can you turn to each other for support? Its good to have someone you can keep talking about your Mum to.
Everyones different in what helps - i write to my mum every day in my journal. Any type of movement/walking/exercise is also really helpful - there are all sorts of hormones flying around in your body right now, so exercise can help regulate that. But grief takes time - it is completely normal to feel a huge range of emotions - sadness, anger, pain, guilt, or even numbness. Grief is love that has nowhere to go - so if you loved your mum deeply, you will grieve deeply 
Every day you get through is an achievement. I remember feeling like i was just hanging on by my fingernails. I set myself just a couple of small tasks on my phone every day, nothing too ambitious. But i allowed plenty of time to rest, and time to cry if i wanted.
You mentioned earlier you were having panic attacks - are you still experiencing these? If so, did you mention this to your GP? You might find something for anxiety might help even if you cant get antidepressants. You should be entitled to ask to speak to a different GP if youre unhappy.
Sending you hugs
hi yes i saw the doc who reluctantly gave me antidepressants which i know take rwo weeks to kick in .
difficult relationship with my sister. hitting myself and i wake up with panic attacks
i hit myself too, never thought i would be this person, its the giult more than the grief i think i dont deserve to live ,but i don’t want to kill myself i dont think
Was this a 2nd doctor? I thought your gp wouldnt prescribe any? Did i misunderstand that bit?
Guilt is common emotion to experience as part of grieving. If you read the other threads here, you will see plenty of people experiencing guilt. We tell ourselves- “IF we had/hadnt done XYZ then the outcome might have been different”. But one thing i was told - just because you have a thought, it doesnt mean it’s true.
Have you been taught any techniques to help with panic attacks? Its not something ive experienced but there are plenty of guides online. If you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself PLEASE talk to one of the helplines i suggested next time you feel that urge.
yes i have tried a help line thank you. the thoughts just wont leave me alone. the GP gave in in the end with the antidepressant tho they make you worse at first and dont work fully for a month
Good that the doctor listened. I hope he or she is doing regular checkups on you now to see how they work.
Try to find a distraction when the thoughts come. Going out for a walk or something else you usually like to do. You won’t feel like you want to do it, but do it anyway, just to get away from what’s in your head.
Here are some tips for panic attacks that you can try to break the thought loops too.
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Don’t feel bad or ashamed you’re hitting yourself. It’s just a sign the emotional pain gets too much for the brain and body to handle. But you need another outlet for the pain and if you can find someone to talk to via Ally’s suggestions, it might help.
yes i have the antidepressants i have now looked them up and am worried about using them tho i have started.
its like my whole life has collapsed, I was working and then looking after mum at the weekends, now i cant work and she is gone and I let her down.
not sure how to live with this .
maybe the pills will dull the thoughts enough to let me work, i know they take two weeks to kick in ,they make you sick tho and are hard to come off?
It’s not for certain they make you worse, it wasn’t like that for me. And hard to stop is mostly when you’ve taken them for years. But if you do stop it’s always good to taper them rather than quit suddenly. So don’t worry about that right now, the idea isn’t to have you on them forever, just to help you through the worst.
yes i have carried on with them .
tough day today as i haven’t seen anyone so the thoughts take over .
ive been trying to write mums eulogy