Hello Solost. I do so agree with your last post which I have just read. I still sit here talking to my beloved Geoff and I think I know he would like me to. I have just been so upset this morning and can’t see an end to my loneliness. I was supposed to have a visit from family today but they have just phoned me and said that as they had arranged to come here today they have decided to go to the games being held here today instead as it doesn’t happen very often. I haven’t even replied as I find it so difficult to understand. Thank goodness I found this site because all the postings on it help me more than anyone else does. Love to you all. Carol
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Hi Carol,
I’m sorry that your visitors will not be calling in today. It would have been nice if they had invited you along, even if you had declined. It must be so disappointing when looking forward to something and then it doesn’t happen. I haven’t looked forward to anything since my husband died, I don’t see any point now as there is no joy or happiness in my life. I’m sorry Carol, I should be trying to cheer you up not making you feel worse.
Sending you love and a big hug.X
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@Carol21 I’m so sorry your family are not visiting today.My brother facetimes me most days,but some days I find I haven’t spoken to anyone all day.I talk to Kevin all the time as if he were here,but it’s the quiet that gets to me somtimes so I try to fill it with tv or radio.I’m finding some music is difficult to listen to now as well.Am I wallowing I really don’t know how I’m supposed to be.I’ve just been to post a letter and a neighbour said “Are you alright?”…of course I’m not alright you silly woman.Her answer to everything is to join a club,and that’s been suggested to me many times"When you’re ready"I may never be ‘ready’.Sorry rant over.My heart goes out to you @Carol21
Sweetie
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Hello Loobyloo2. Thank you for your reply. I get so much help from you all on this site and it means a lot to me. Family seem to get so fed up with my grief and I get so much more from all of you on this site. I know the games are important to people but not to me right now. Thank you so much for your reply. Love from Carol
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Hello Sweetie. Thank you so much for your reply. I never see anyone these days so it is good to receive your reply. I have never been alone before and it is awful. I still talk to Geoff as though he was still here with me but in my heart he is and always will be. I will continue to talk to him and if people think I am mad it doesn’t matter. All of you on this site do more to help me than family and I appreciate you all. Why do people think joining a club would help. They mean well but don’t know how irrelevant that is to us. Please take care. Love from Carol
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Well I might join a club … but it would have to be made up of like minded people who are trying to survive since loosing their much loved partner … where we could all be ourselves honestly and share a laugh or a cry and of course enjoy a little tipple or 10 x
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I think that is the kind of club we all need. Xx
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Well I would definitely join that club. It would be just what I need. My family don’t want me to talk about my husband so I would definitely like people who would. Having said this I think this group is a kind of club and I get wonderful help from you all. I am so grateful to all of you. Love from Carol
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Hi Carol, I’m sorry that your visitors let you down. I don’t think people realise how important these visits are to us.
Julie x
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Hi Sweetie
I keep being ‘told’ to join clubs! I’m not sure why people think that would help. How can clubs ever replace what I have lost? I know they will distract me for an hour or so but I still have to return to an empty house. That is what is so hard to bear even after 13 months!
Julie x
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Hi,
I don’t know how many people have said to me about joining clubs. Do they think it can take away the pain that I am feeling? It’s not something I did before so why would I do it now? I know they mean well and I suppose they think it is a way of distraction and having company, but I can’t see it helping.
Love.x
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Hi Loobyloo
My counsellor actually said the same thing to me about why would I join clubs if I never went in the first place. Ian went to several but I never joined him. I know that if I had gone instead of him, he would have carried on with his clubs and coped a lot better than I am.
Julie xx
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@Trixie1I’m not sure what club I would join as my mind is all over the place .I’ve just watched a video that my husband and I made just to hear his voice again which was lovely.I’ve got myself a little cd player which I used last night with earphones so it fills my mind and I don’t keep going over all sorts of memories.I listened to an Agatha Christie type murder story(I know probably not the best thing to listen to on your own!) I never got to who dunnit before I fell asleep so I’ll have to start it again and fast forward it.I definitely find the evenings and nights the worst time of the day,my dear old mum used to say never try and sort problems at night as they always seem worse then.I’m not sure how much worse they can get than losing your life partner.A few days ago I thought I was doing okay but as these things go I’m not brilliant at the moment,quick to tears these last few days.Unfortunately as with everyone on here this goes with territory,I wish it was different.I feel that if I hadn’t loved and been loved so deeply it might be easier but that is the price we pay in the end.
A peaceful night to all
Sweetie
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I feel guilty reading the above , I’m not alone , I have 5 of the most close and wonderful friends you could ever wish to have , the gang used to be 7 of us , we are now 6 .
4 of us sat round Joanne’s house last night and for 5 hours we talked frankly about how we all feel since she died , I tried to explain they will never ever know and I’d never wish this heartbreaking life on them .The genuinely agreed . My friends keep me going , Mandy told each and everyone of them to always look after me and they do . It’s a bond they said last night that will never be broken .
So amidst the devastation I’ve had they are there for me unconditionally forever. It keeps me going and it’s up to me to be part of their lives and help them when they need help too .
They are my real family , my link to Mandy forever, Joanne was Mandys best friend , she is the person I tell everything to, she was their for me the other night when I broke down and just needed a cuddle , she was there .
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Dear Sweetie, you have expressed it exactly.
We are hurting because of love. In my case, sixty years of love, of being honoured and cherished, have not prepared me for this solitary existence.
My dear one and I had many interests but they were pursued together. We were truly one and I don’t know how I have survived alone. Perhaps it won’t go on now for much longer as so much serious ill health has emerged over the last two years. Some of it began before my husband died and he used to hold me and calm my fears as I calmed his. Together, we could face anything. Now, I have to force myself out of bed every morning after the shock of waking from the relief of unconsciousness and having to face the reality of the day.
I am in a lot of physical pain which, previously, took all my attention. Now, the emotional anguish eclipses it.
What a price to pay for our love! Is it worth it? Would it have been better if we had never met? Sometimes I wish I had never lived but not that I had never loved and I know this is a price worth paying for all the years of devotion.
Being with other people agitates me. It’s a break from my solitude but not from my loneliness. My contrary heart doesn’t want to be alone but no sooner do visitors come than I want them to be gone. My heart and home are empty without him, however many people are with me.
Perhaps there are clubs that would help but I am not independently mobile so have no means of accessing them. Just arranging essential medical appointments is a nightmare.
Mundane, necessary chores are no distraction and although they keep me busier than I want to be, the burden on my mind is not lifted.
I make time during the day for crossword puzzles, logic problems or patience in order to force my mind to focus on something else. If I am tired, a comedy programme (Radio 4 podcast or the television) will either make me laugh or send me to sleep. Either result is welcome.
All my old friends are dead. Because I am the last, there is no-one left who understands. We were five devoted couples, all rallying round when one was lost. I just want to go now and be whole again.
God bless us all.
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@Northumbrian54,Do not feel guilty for having such wonderful friends to help you through this terrible time.I have a couple of friends who have been wonderful throughout my loss,I don’t know how I would have managed without them.If they can divert your mind away from your thoughts but be there when you need them that’s all you can ask for.
Sweetie
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@Prof,Wow 60 years,you must have had some wonderful times together,it’s a lifetime of love and careing for each other.I had 34 years with Kevin,and that is why when people expect you to move on it is so difficult.Your whole life is geared up to being with someone so you are almost joined at the hip,you know what they are thinking and what they are going to say before they’ve said it.We had our own interests,Kevin’s was golf and it never bothered me even if he went away on a golfing holiday because it’s what he enjoyed.He seemed to like most of all being with me and going places together even just a drive somewhere.That’s all gone now and when he sold his car I felt that was the beginning of the end for us and I cried for us and our life.
I’m sorry to hear you are not in the best of health now,it must make your situation feel even worse,I do hope even though you have lost friends there someone who may be able to help you.
Sweetie
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Hi Trixie. You’re so right when you say.’ it happens every day’. After 8 months it has got a little easier but only a little. I’m resigned to tears every day for however long I’ve got left.
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Thank you, Sweetie, for replying to my post.
I think my only real friends are here on SR. My more recent acquaintances are just bewildered, I think, by my inability to “move on”, “get over it” and realise that, “life is for living”. My husband’s sister, with whom I have spoken about two dozen times over the whole period of our marriage and who didn’t make it to his funeral, has accused me, in so many words of, “wallowing in self pity, being self-indulgent, keeping my finger on the self-destruct button and needing to open up my closed mind”. There was more, but you get the drift.
She really has no idea of how the ground has opened up beneath the feet of everyone on this site. She is a really opinionated person (so am I) but has very little imagination and could not be more different from me, or from her brother for that matter.
At least, here, I can reach out and someone will take my hand, as you have done so kindly. I’m lost in this wilderness and full of fear. I shall be glad to join my dear one again but terribly afraid of the way before me.
I try to cling on to my faith and am often angry with God for not showing me the way and for putting obstacles in my path when I already have more than enough to manage. Perhaps He has sent me to SR and all the lovely people who respond. Thank you all and thank you, Sweetie.
God bless.
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@Prof Thanks for your so detailed reply - and a couple of bits really hit a chord in me. I’m glad for you that you have faith, but I can’t believe in any supernatural power that would Rob my darling girl of her existence; she was so happy, smiling laughing, so strong and my only reason to live and now she’s gone. It’s the permanence of the situation that - when my brain is slow to shut down with shock - that gets me; how can this be my torture forever? A good point that others look back at my Sharon’s passing, but for me, that devastation dominates every second of every day - and will never change. I note you say the 3rd year gets better, but I’m not sure for me it would, but in any case that’s too far away - but thanks anyway.
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