@Trixie1 Julie, I understand what you say - but, that is the WHOLE point of being on here as no one who doesn’t walk in our shoes can understand. It is probably true to say that all of you on here who have lost a soul mate have probably given me enough food for thought and understanding of this that I haven’t ended. I come here every morning, not to “wallow in grief” but to get a fix of understanding this sh1t, and to be able to grind out another day. I don’t have the answers, but I do know that those in my Real World have no concept of my total devastation and torture - which does give me the strength to politely ignore whatever advice they tell me.
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if you have ever truly loved and been loved, you can never have that again.
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@Loobyloo2 ‘Ditto’
You @Trixie1& @sweetie echo my feelings about joining ‘clubs’. Why do so many think clubs are a solution? I’ve never been part of any clubs in my life and the 30 years with my husband. It’s just not my thing. I had a conversation about this with a relation last night. She meant well but she seems to think it’s what I’ll have to do to make a life for myself. There lots I can do but not that and not yet! Apart from anything else I can’t even think about a different life right now it’s not even been 3 months yet! my mind doesn’t want to face that. I get people are well meaning and they think it’ll fill in time but that’s just a temporary sticking plaster for an hour or so! I’d rather distract myself with something else. Sending caring thoughts x
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@JlovesR,
You are not very far along at all and to suggest the way forward is joining a club is bizarre.I have had this said to me by various people,as you say why would you start joining clubs when you didn’t before. Every waking moment and even in my dreams my husband is there as I expect your husband is too,I carry him with me everywhere I go and every little thing reminds me of him.When something comes on the news from say 2 years ago I think oh yes Kevin was still with me then,if only I had known how little time we had left.A neighbour when she came to see me suggested a club the sort she goes to,but I think she uses it like some dating agency as I believe she has had 2 husbands,so not for me.I am not a very religious person,my brother whose sister in law lost her husband but she is a church goer went to various things they put on and she found it helped and that’s fine for her.The problem is people think that’s what you should be doing to get back out there,they have no idea how difficult it all is.I just don’t at the moment have the will or the energy to worry about other peoples reactions to my grief my head is too full of Kevin.Because Kevin’s funeral was delayed because of Christmas and New Year everyone had in some way moved on but I couldn’t I only started grieving properly afterwards when his affairs had been settled,which as you have probably found is quite a complicated and lengthy process.I have found through taking advice from members on here and my own feelings to only do what I am comfortable with and if other people don’t like it tough.
Take care Sweetie
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I have to say I’m glad nobody has. suggested joing a club to me, I can imagine how I would have reacted! Mind you, we don’t really have any, out here in the country, luckily.
I feel sorry for those of you have been bothered with these suggestions and probably feel g upset about it. I understand your reactions,. I don’t know if some of you feel the same as me,but, even though the loneliness is so difficult to handle sometimes, I prefer being alone with my thoughts of my husband keeping me company, rather than finding myself in a crowd of people. Like @Prof said, I would feel lonely anyway, even being with people, can’t wait to return home. It’s a case of the classic “feeling lonely in a crowd” syndrome. Pouring out my constant sorrrows to my family would just upset them even more, and others just don’t understand if they haven’t been in our shoes.
So I can only say all this I’ve just said, to all of you here, who are sadly going through my same grief,won’t judge, won’t argue with, and will relate.
Thank you, and take care.
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It looks as though we are all baffled by this insistence from others that we should join clubs. Do you think it’s the equivalent of getting elderly relatives into homes so that they can be forgotten about until the fleeting visit is convenient?
I don’t mean to sound bitter. In a way it amuses me and I try to be charitable because those who really care for us and would help if they knew how, are as much in the dark as we are about what we need. WE know what we want and we can’t have it. We want our lives back. Those couples with unaltered lives can’t understand, anymore than a man blind from birth can imagine the eerie gloaming light of Scottish Summer evenings. How much did we understand when confronted with others grieving for lost soulmates? We did our clumsy best and it wasn’t good enough.
I’m glad that there are some who can find comfort from clubs but even if I had a means of getting to one, I think it wouldn’t be for me.
Actually, here we are, already members of the one club on earth no-one wants to join. We have one thing in common and that is our unique struggle to get from one day to the next, grieving, lost and fearful. There are no two of us the same but we all feel this gnawing hunger inside, for what was.
I have told no-one that I visit this site because I know what the reaction would be. Some of you have already experienced it as, “wallowing in grief” because these are the words used by well intentioned friends. I can do without judgemental comments and I thank you all for your frank expressions of your sorrow. It is a comfort to know that at least there are some who understand the pain and are not dismissive. I am helped to feel “validated” when, in the eyes of many, such depth of feeling is seen as neurosis.
Our burden is heavy enough without having to carry guilt, heaped upon us by “friends” who don’t want to feel discomfited by our sadness. For them, we pin on the smile, reply, “Fine thanks” to enquiries for which they do not want a true answer and then keep up the effort for as long as it takes. No wonder we want them to go. We are exhausted by the effort, when the weariness of bereavement itself is already enough.
I have said somewhere else that we are in a long, twisting tunnel, which feels endless and lightless but because I am farther along than some of you I can honestly say that it IS a tunnel and not a cave. We are all moving forward and something else that gives me comfort is that the longer I travel, the nearer I feel to my beloved husband. I think there is a fear in all of us that if we stop feeling the pain, we shall stop feeling the love and I have discovered that this doesn’t happen. The pain gets in the way but in calmer times, at least for me, the way becomes a little lighter and I see my dear one more clearly. I can see his very blue eyes, hear his laugh and feel him closer.
This may not make sense and your experiences may be different but I have felt an easing of my pain, sometimes for whole days and I believe it will get better.
God bless us all.
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Prof, I feel exactly as you do.
I am a member of 3 clubs and they do absolutely nothing to ease the massive pain of losing your soulmate.
Your loss is on your mind wherever you are and whatever you are doing.
I have been abroad twice since she died and it changed nothing.
This is the most brutal club you could ever join and you did not even apply for membership.
I pray that none of my friends and family feel like we do now because they will not know what hit them
Stay strong.
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Yep, I’m realising that right now mate
Yes @Sweetie it’s too soon for me to even be open to suggestions for the future especially unhelpful ones. It’s difficult coming to terms with my new awful reality without trying to fill it with meaningless activity. I have very supportive family and friends so spending time with them is enough for me right now and only when I need it. There will be some people for whom a group would be beneficial but I was surprised to read how many others on here have had ‘groups’ mentioned to them as if it’s the go to solution. Like you, my husband is in my thoughts constantly, joins me in dreams and I too take him everywhere I go even saying out loud ‘I’m going to ??? are you coming? or come on let’s go to ??? I talk to him all the time, it feels natural to me. Like you I find it harder now following the funeral and sorting affairs. I too only do what I’m comfortable with taking each day hour by hour. Left facing each new day of a life I don’t want or recognise, I reach out for company if I need it and only agree to do things with people knowing I can change my mind if I’m not up to it. I know my own mind but it’s being challenged by this thick fog of grief and sadness so It’s helpful to read experiences/advice from others in the same position although I wholeheartedly wish none of us had the need to be here. Sending peace and care x
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strong text****strong text[quote=“JlovesR, post:230, topic:53323, full:true”]
Yes @Sweetie it’s too soon for me to even be open to suggestions for the future especially unhelpful ones. It’s difficult coming to terms with my new awful reality without trying to fill it with meaningless activity. I have very supportive family and friends so spending time with them is enough for me right now and only when I need it. There will be some people for whom a group would be beneficial but I was surprised to read how many others on here have had ‘groups’ mentioned to them as if it’s the go to solution. Like you, my husband is in my thoughts constantly, joins me in dreams and I too take him everywhere I go even saying out loud ‘I’m going to ??? are you coming? or come on let’s go to ??? I talk to him all the time, it feels natural to me. Like you I find it harder now following the funeral and sorting affairs. I too only do what I’m comfortable with taking each day hour by hour. Left facing each new day of a life I don’t want or recognise, I reach out for company if I need it and only agree to do things with people knowing I can change my mind if I’m not up to it. I know my own mind but it’s being challenged by this thick fog of grief and sadness so It’s helpful to read experiences/advice from others in the same position although I wholeheartedly wish none of us had the need to be here. Sending peace and care x
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Hello this is Eddie.
I’m in the same situation, the initial shock and grief were unbelievable as it is with every one on this road to recovery. I suffer from anxiety and I am trying to get over this, but I don’t have people who can give me a confidence boost, my son and daughter live a couple hours away, they Facebook message me, but not on the phone so that I have someone to talk to. They probably think that they are doing the right thing. I just struggle on hoping that I am doing the right thing, I will mention it to them next time I speak to them. Anyway you have to dig in and sort the problem’s out for yourself as there is manual for the bereavement process. Try to stay happy and look to the future. Eddie
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Most people will want to help us solve our problem hence the suggestions of groups etc. They have no idea how we really feel or they would know that we simply need time and perhaps an occasional invitation for a cuppa and a chat with no specific agenda.
No group apart from this one will help us
I don’t often post but I read posts every day and it helps enormously to learn that I’m not crazy. We all have so many shared feelings and behaviours and it’s such a comfort that while we desperately miss our loved ones, there is all the love and understanding here on this site.
Thank you all. Emeexx
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A few well intentioned people have suggested I have counselling and I have to say I’m not a great lover of that road,I feel that would be like reopening a wound all the time.I understand some find this service helpful and certain suggestions from them on here are helpful.I have told family that I am on a bereavement website and I find it helpful and prefer to go down this route at the moment.I have been asked if I wish to go on a day out to a country house soon,I have said I will make a decision nearer the time as my feelings are all over the place at the moment and they understand.I did write an email to myself about what my grief is like every day,and sent it to my close family to try perhaps allow them to understand what it’s like for me day to day.I think it upset them to know there is nothing they can do or say to make it better,and try not let them know that nothing has changed that much.I talk about my husband as well because I want to keep his memory alive I am his wife after all.
Sweetie
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Your right @Emee about a simple chat with a cuppa. That’s the the company I prefer at the moment, at mine or theirs. It even lifts my spirits for a little while. I’m lucky that family and friends acknowledge I may get upset at some point and don’t mind if I have a little cry, even encouraging it if they can see it bubbling up, which gets it out and I settle back into the chat after. Regarding going out for the day, your right @Sweetie to only decide nearer the time so you know how you’ll feel. I do this and say can I let you know the night before/or the morning. I also think that family/friends need to know if you’re not OK. If they think you are then they may not be in touch as much or offer support thinking that you don’t need it as much. I know I need support so if anyone asks I just say it’s really tough and I’m just taking things hour by hour, one step at a time. That works for me. I understand some on here may not have as many people in their lives so I can see the support found here is invaluable to so many. Sending caring thoughts to all x
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I think we are guilty of NOT telling family we are struggling with this .
I’m going to adopt that attitude of telling folk I will decide the day before if I wanna go out, I’m very lucky I get lots of offers and to date I accept them all.
Now they are slowing down, I’m thankful as I need a lot of time on my own.
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@Sweetie I totally agree. It’s a balance between coming on here and understanding what is happening vs being pushed to look deeper inside. I may try counselling - just because at the moment I’m desperate for some relief from this, and I’ll try anything… I think?
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@Lookingforhope Totally. I have an expression; “if you look at my face and think I’m OK with this, you don’t know me at all…”
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Oh DennisS. It’s so true. I’m acting all the time, except for when I am at home - just me and Molly our Labrador. I’ve had to stay on at work since Derek died to supplement my income. Just two days a week (NHS). Can’t tell you how many times my lovely colleagues, trying to be kind, say “You are doing so well” or “You look fabulous” (I don’t - I look like a pale ghost who has put on so much weight with medication I take just to get me able to cope enough to work). I joined a few clubs, Women’s Institute x 2 and couple of other groups but I’ve stopped going as it just underlines things.My manager actually wanted to put in my appraisal how I was doing so well. I refused. I started going to church (not religious just looking for answers) but how can there be a God? I lost my Dad and unborn twins by the time I was 22. When I was 30 my Mam died of the same cancer Derek would later get, I found her dead on the floor in her home. My youngest child was 10 months at the time and 6 months later my lovely older brother, who was (we thought) a fit healthy man who played cricket and football of a hidden heart attack at age 39. Then, the very worst thing, losing my beloved last year. A good man who supported me through all that sadness and like all of our partners did not deserve this. I’ve tried to be good and kind all my life. How can the good people suffer and die while the very worst ones seem to live on? I’m so sorry about this rant. Barely holding on today xx
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Dear Dennis S,
No-one can know us because we hardly know ourselves.
I have always been reasonably articulate but when I sit down to analyse how I feel, let alone when I try to explain to my counsellor (who is excellent) how I cope from day to day, my mind seem to go blank.
There are no words for this alien territory, despite thousands of years of evolution, when it might be thought that there would be a language for what is, after all, an inevitable situation for half the population.
It is very early for you and your agony is acute for most of the time. As the months pass, you will experience hours and even whole days of neutrality. I have tried to examine this objectively. It is like being in the eye of the storm. The noise and rushing wind, hail and flying objects, have all stopped. There is no activity or sound and the eerie stillness is unnerving. There is the fearful knowledge that it is temporary but yet, we do not feel distress and tears are not possible, even if we feel that we should be crying.
All we can do is try to have a framework for getting through each day. This structure, for me, is forcing myself out of bed every morning, having my shower, doing my make-up and dressing as though there is someone to notice. If the evil small voice tells me there is no point and I should just give in to the temptation to pull the duvet over my head, I counter by telling myself that the woman my husband loves (I still think of him in the present tense) has self-esteem and also wants him to be proud of her as he always was. I want to do the best I can to hold on to whatever little remains of me, when I feel that the better part of me has vanished. My dear husband, after 60 years of loving me and cherishing me, was truly my soulmate. Without him I feel like a fragile climbing plant, which has had its supporting framework torn away.
For some reason I have been left alive. I get hungry and thirsty, so make myself something to eat. There is the blessed oblivion of sleep and the shock of waking.
People looking at us cannot get the slightest glimpse of what is going on inside. If they love us, they are comforted by THEIR perception of how we are managing. If we love them, we try to protect them from witnessing our anguish. If they don’t know us or don’t love us, what they think or say doesn’t matter, unless we find their remarks helpful in our situation.
Dear Dennis and all who are in these early months, please take heart. You are not going to be in this savagely raw state for evermore. You are going to reach a sort of plateau, dull, featureless, empty and wonder if this is all there is. That’s too bleak a thought and I can tell you that I have had glimpses of hope for change, even glimpses of happiness and contentment.
Sometimes they are realised only in retrospect but I am getting better at recognising these moments while they are happening. I make my mouth into a smile if it is not doing it already and say aloud, “This is a happy time.” or, “I feel calm.” or, “I’m not afraid.”
These are big steps for me and to anyone else, it doesn’t sound very dramatic but I can look back from this plateau and remember the frozen, shocked, sobbing wreck inhabiting every moment of the early days and weeks. If only the “I” I have become could take the hand of the “me” I was then, perhaps I would have been comforted.
People further on rarely post here because they no longer need this forum. Perhaps that tells us something but if there is someone out there who can give all of us hope for the future, it would be wonderful to hear from you.
God bless us all.
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Dear Looking for Hope.
You are not ranting or just going on. You are grieving and it is perfectly normal to do that. If it isn’t I must be completely mad because I am crying all the time and just hope I am dreaming and that when I wake up my beloved husband will be back with me. I don’t know how to stop grieving and when people have suggested I should do I just think they can never have loved anyone or they wouldn’t say such things. I cry all the time for my husband and time isn’t making it any better. When he went he took my heart with him and now I do not see the point of anything. Just take of yourself and don’t ever believe you shouldn’t be grieving. Love from Carol
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