Totally agree with you, unfortunately I I don’t have any children. I also try to be positive but it’s so damn hard.
I just want my old life back, Pete and I used to marvel at how very lucky we were to have each other, we were so happy in our bubble and now it’s just me.
I do feel my life is now meaningless, I miss waking up each morning and seeing you lovely smiling face next to me.
Sending love and strength back to you x
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@Solost I had exactly that thought: “how much longer can I go on like this?” last night - and I had a sudden realisation that this is now a permanent state. So I get what you are feeling, its really horrible.
I don’t know the answers I’m afraid, I think I’m still looking for the questions, but the thought of this going on is just devastating.
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Hi Teddy
I am in your situation. I am just over a year now and I won’t say it gets easier, just different. I was lucky in that I already had a volunteer role in a charity shop one afternoon a week. Because they all knew me and had supported me through Glen’s 4 month battle with cancer it was easier for me to gradually go back and that afternoon does me a lot of good.
I do find being with other people is helping me but again I was lucky in that my WI groups which I have gradually gone back to all knew and have been supportive. There are a few widows there.
But we are all different. You have to do what feels right for you and try and find ways to heal yourself.
This is such a hard journey that seems impossible to get through but we can try and find moments of light along the way and hopefully small glimpses of a brighter future to give us some hope.
It is great to have the support of this forum.
Have you been able to connect with any widows near to where you live. I have through my local hospice and also through this forum. This also helps, to talk face to face to other people going through it.
Have you looked at WayUp? They have meet-ups in different areas and also a forum.
Take care of yourself
Judy
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Hi sorry for your loss . I know life is so hard now . I just miss everything about my hubby and my happy life . I have found posting and reading on this site has helped me a lot . Knowing that others feel the same as me . And are there to listen and give support . I don’t feel like I will ever find happiness again . I only take things one day at a time . I can’t think of the future without my hubby . We had been together all my adult life . Since we were both 16 . So I don’t know any other life . He was also my best friend . Infact my only friend . We only bothered with each other we were so happy and in love . Thinking of you xtake carex
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Hello everyone
Just been reading the latest posts as I do regularly and I think of you all and what you are going through. I am still thinking of my darling husband Geoff and sitting here crying. I can’t get him out of my thoughts and why should I. I still love him as much as ever and just want the last 52 years back. Looking at his empty chair is so sad for me. Please take care all of you and thank you for being there and for all the replies I receive. Love to you all. Carol
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DennisS
I always read your forum as what you say resonates with my thoughts when my partner had his farm accident he lived for 4 months in pain and his heart gave out. Why did god have to take him in the end if there is one he was just started to slow down take things easier for both of us. The god thing really got to me last week a 16 year old lad lost his life yet again to a farm accident. Regarding the funeral I was so overwhelmed as it all was so lovely and I coped so well. But now reality and wish everyday to be with him as there is no future without him just to sit and cry.
Jessica
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Hi I’ve just been reading all your sad posts, I also get overwhelmed at times, I just want to scream and scream until I have no voice left. Sitting in my kitchen, another unbearable sweltering hot humid afternoon, I’m also looking at his empty chair, chatting to him, just asking the same question over and over again: "Where are you? You can’t just disappear like that, you can’t not exist anymore’. When I find myself talking to s people, during normal everyday life (apart from my kids and family) ,I just block out my thoughts completely, put them on hold, as if I’m an object and not a real person, putting on the old ‘brave face’ appearance, then when i’m alone again, well, you all understand, don’t have to say how it is. Missing him more and more ever day.
Take care all of you.
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I didn’t realise what a good actress I must have become. People (including family) think I am “moving on” and “healing.” If they could see me when I am alone (it’s just me and our chocolate Labrador Molly now). I am lost, getting less and less interested in the world. I’m angry. I miss him so much, as all on this forum miss their loved ones too. I could cry for us all xx
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Hello Solost
Thank you for your reply. I do agree with you about other family members. They are all carrying on life as normal. I have given up on them. How do they expect me to carry on as usual when my beloved husband is no longer with me . They just tell me to get on with life. Can’t believe that they can be so detached from my reality. I get so much support from other people on this site than my own family and I am glad I found the site. You will get support from others on this site . I know they help me. Take care. Love Carol
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As I read these posts it’s the early hours of Tuesday . My sleeping without my tablets is rubbish, need to get to see doctor again .
I feel I’m changing for the worst , I thought I was doing great for 7 weeks in then in this 8 th week I’ve been in total reverse mode . I’m now crying more when I thought I’d be getting a wee bit better, I’m not, I’m getting worse .
I ask this so called God why? Why my Mandy she was the most sweetest soul ever , amazing , loving .
Yet you gave her a horrible cancer and took her away from all our friends and family, took her away from me?
God can naff off , sorry .
Each day I fear I’m getting worse , this grief is like NO other .My life is just about over at 54 if this is how I’m going to feel…….however I go on , there is a new path I never wanted to walk but must take it.
Scared , frightened, lonely how the hell am I supposed to do this ? It’s very very daunting.
Take care all of you , it’s all we have left , ourselves.
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All these posts resonate with me… I generally try to post mainly positive on here, or empathise or ask questions - but yesterday I had a devastating truly awful day.
Since I’ve been back in the house the panic and anxiety have been crushing. Apparently I’m still in shock as my brain is protecting me from understanding my life is over, but yesterday I had little glimpses that this is permanent and that I’ll never see, hug, talk to my darling girl ever again. Then shock closes me down again and everything is like in a dream, but it seems to be showing me my future and I don’t want it.
My psychiatrist (I was referred by my GP, which my darling Sharon set up as I had no intention of continuing) is on holiday, my dad’s wife is trying to put my dad in a home against his wishes, my daughter in law is trying hard to pair me with her mum (no chance, I’m married forever to Sharon), Sharon’s friends who have been supportive are mainly moving on - and this is just crushing me.
So reading these posts is good support, because no one in my real life who I could talk to has any idea what I’m going through, and this is anonymous and everyone here who has lost a partner gets me.
Hoping today is going to be better, I can’t cope with another yesterday, so today I’m going to try to get out, keep busy, try to distract myself.
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Good morning Glenn and Dennis,
both of your posts have struck a chord with me although I’m 8 months in, I get the odd day when I think I can do this but I get more days when I’m just falling apart, my family and friends a tell me I’m strong and doing great, but I have just become a great actress.
When I think to myself I will never feel one of Petes wonderful hugs again or kiss his lips it just takes my breath away and I feel my heart racing in fear, I only sleep a couple of hours here and there and eat rubbish food because I really don’t care about me anymore, I just want to be wherever Pete is, as for God, don’t get me started!
Any God that can snatch away such a good man in the prime of his life is a someone I would not want to know, how and why is there so many of us having in this unbearable situation?? Its just so cruel and unfair!
In my 61 years I’ve never felt unhappiness like this, and the only reason I have to carry on is to look after our dogs.
Sending best wishes to all.
Muldool
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@Muldool I totally get that, thanks. I’m living on cheese on toast, although apparently I’m a really good cook, but I jyst can’t be bothered to cook… And I totally get your thought on the fear…
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Hi @Northumbrian54, @DennisS @Muldool, I know exactly what you all mean, yesterday I was also in a breakdown, mind you, aren’t I always? I think I deserve an Oscar with my acting a ‘brave face’, I think we all do here. Mornings are really tough, waking up without him beside me, I really hate to burden my kids and family with my constant anguish and complete mental isolation, so Im grateful to have you all here to talk and listen to… I understand and relate to you all, and I know I get that from you too.
Take care my friends.
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@Carol21 you’re absolutely right, this site is our saviour for our sanity.
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I don’t know where I’d be without this site. For the past 13 months I’ve been supported on here by friends who know what I’m going through. I know that on here I’m not judged but accepted for who I am. We all grieve in different ways and it’s so important to have an outlet for that.
Thank you to everyone,
Julie x
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Hi Muldool and DennisS
I did not want to get out of bed this morning as not a lot of point but I have two dogs the only family and I have wish they could talk to me David adored them. But I am up and probably sit and cry. The only plus on my side I do seem to make a meal for myself and that is the only thing that keeps me focus. When the phone rings I think someone to talk to but they are mostly scams. Thank goodness for this forum as it is where I go to every morning
Jessica
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I understand totally. I am just heading towards ten months and it doesn’t feel any better. My anxiety makes me panic about even simple things. I try to keep going but it’s existing rather than living.
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Dear Broken . You write of what has been my experience too. My husband has been gone nearly ten months and life is so awful without him. He always said he was nothing without me and we always wanted to be together. He phoned me everyday when he was at work. He never got to have a retirement so I feel cheated . I feel very alone and I as if I belong nowhere now. I still love my husband to bits and try to talk to him in any way I think might work . I hope that knowing that there are others out there feeling the same helps.
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Hi thank you for reply . It does help . Just gone ten months without my one true love . We started our life together at 16 not knowing what we wanted just knowing we wanted and needed each other . We had a happy beautiful life . We did have some problems not with each other . With kids and life in general . All we wanted was to grow old together . Then cancer came along and ruined everything . I now just live day to day . Waiting to be back in his arms again . I struggle every day . I try and be positive . But there is nothing to be positive about . I don’t want to end up being a burden on my kids or grandkids . They deserve to have a happy life like I did .i try to be like the mam and gran I was . So they have good memories of me like they do of there dad . But what a struggle . Sending strength and love to help us all through each day and night . Xtake carex
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