Awwwww, so very cute, the hedgehogs. They are lovely animals. I have 1 or 2 big healthy hedgehogs living in my back garden. I haven’t seen them for a while, on account of me not having been there much since early November.
I’m glad that your husband is there for you to cry with. I tend to do that with my best friend. 
I feel so rubbish today. Sat at work reading through messages from my mom. I read them feeling like it was only yesterday. I just want to cry. But got to keep focussed as I am at work.
How is everyone today?
Awww @Becca_d you’re very brave being at work. I’ve been off a month so far and signed off for another two weeks just can’t face it at the moment. I’ve tried to keep busy all weekend. Yesterday I even had motivation to do some housework. I’m walking loads to get outside and fresh air especially as I’m recovering from what I think has been COVID. I went back to mum’s house yesterday too and picked up her washing the PJ’s she had on when she died and the last set of clothes she was wearing that day and other bits. I was brave because I’ve struggled going back. I can smell her on the clothes and then I’m scared I’m going to forget that smell 
I feel like that, I have a couple of clothing items that I bought home from the hospital. The smell of her is fading
I never really took any proper time off other than 5 days. Because if I am not at work no one does my job. So I went back on reduced hours for a few weeks. Then back to my normal hours. It was so hard and on reflection the wrong thing to do. But I was so worried about having time off. Before Christmas I was back on reduced hours. It’s been just over 5 months now and it feels so raw.
I miss her so much. 
I play back a shirt video I have of her so I can hear her voice. But it’s not long and I just want to talk to her.
I’m a firm believer in a trauma based approach. These days therapists have acknowledged that trauma doesn’t have to be about a war or an assault and that people react differently. An event that isn’t traumatic for one person might be for someone else. And what we all have experienced has been traumatic for us.
Totally agree @Ulma I think being asked to do CPR on my mum was traumatic for me. I knew she’d died but when I called 999 they said do it until paramedic came. I was on my own. My husband was in hospital too and asked to be discharged to be with me. He was given two hours. He got to me after mum was taken away and then I had to take him back to the hospital at midnight then head home on my own! Not sure how I did it to be honest!!
My counsellor says I have ptsd from the trauma with my mom. I feel guilty for saying that as we do associate it with war. But I do believe I have some element of ptsd. I was so scared when we were at the hospital on the day she died.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s a good thing your counsellor recognises it and might be able to help you more.
Oh, what a nightmare, I’m sorry you had to experience that.
It’s like we get extraordinary strength in certain circumstances. Could use some of that now…
As if my head wasn’t messed up enough I now have to decide which school I want to work at as the principal is restructuring everything. My proposal was basically thrown out. I feel like this is a kick in the teeth and a step backwards. Maybe it’s just how I am feeling. Then I get home and no one has cooked the tea. They just ignore me.
I am sick of it all. I wish my mom was here, she would know what I should do
Oh, I’m sorry they didn’t accept your proposal. Not what you needed right now. Did they give you a reason?
It’s awful not having them here when we need them. There are a lot of things I have to handle that makes me miss my dad desperately. He would make it ok, but now nothing is ok and nothing feels right. Sending huge hugs.
He wants every school to have their own careers advisor. He does want to include me in advising what will work. I told him how I felt about some of his suggestions.
I just feel so deflated. I needed this change, I feel stagnant. I need my mom more than ever today.
At least he’s willing to hear your advice. Maybe he’ll take your objections into account, I hope so.
Feeling so emotional tonight . I wish I could talk to my mom. I feel utterly exhausted and have nothing left to give.
Me too tonight. Can only empathise and I do.
I feel so unsettled. I am still in the midst of grief and the work stuff has really wobbled me. I am feeling really low and my head is very tired. I really need to speak to my GP but I just can’t get an appointment. I have counselling tomorrow.
The one person I need to talk to about all of this isn’t here. My mom would have known what to say.
My heart is breaking and now u have to make a huge life decision and that is really upsetting me. I feel like just walking away and saying forget it. It feels like an impossible decision.
Can you talk the decision through with your counsellor tomorrow? They should be able to help you weigh up the options. I hate making decisions and when you feel vulnerable that can make it feel even harder. When i struggle like that i try and remind myself a) there is no perfect decision, just the one thats right for now and b) no decision has to be forever, its just one step along our path. If you make the decision to choose one school over another, will there be much difference? Have you worked at both schools currently? If yes, then at least you are not stepping into anything unknown. I guess i would advise what are your priorities/needs right now and what does each offer? For example if one has more routine work, less travel, better work colleagues, more favourable working hours - which of these factors do you feel would be best for you right now?
You might also find it helpful to get some of the pros and cons onto paper. Im guessing your emotions are all running high, plus if you feel under pressure to make a decision that puts your head into fight or flight mode and switches off the more logical areas needed for decision making. Maybe the counsellor might have some techniques for standing down that fight or flight so you can think more clearly.
Thanks @Ally6 . I guess I knew this was coming but I had hoped my proposal would have been considered.
I have worked at the local high school for 8 years, doing this job for 5 1/2. Built it up from nothing. I have friends there, but work in an office on my own. I have worked at the other school for 2 years and I work in a building with other people who are lovely. I have built it up from nothing, but there is still a long way to go. I can walk to the local school and they understand my mental health (even though they made a mess of things after my mom died).
I know what my gut is saying and either way it breaks my heart. I will talk to my counsellor tomorrow. I do feel very vulnerable at the moment and it’s really hard.