Today I feel the same. Can only send a huge hug. 
the torrential rain has stopped and the sun is out. i have committed to a walk so i will go . I hope you are well Ulma.
I am nearly two months into my grief and it is getting worse I am trying not to let it consume me completely but my periods being able to appear "normal " are getting shorter.
The tears are more even though I am on the anti depressants I’m not sure how to this.
Thank you and well done for reaching out I’m 8 months in now and thing had been going really well, the medication is working I had a lot of flashbacks in the first few months some where horrific but I’m still here, I’m feeling quite heavy headed this past week and was quite shaken on Friday at work it made me realise that I can’t live my life full of grief anymore I need to live a full life as you never really know what is around the corner and time can flash by so fast my girls have changed so much since their nan died they are becoming very independent especially the youngest she’s been staying with her Grandad in her nans room, which before she didn’t want to be in the house, they have started socialising more with friends outside of school and I’m so glad as it could of been different they watched how their nan was suffering and they dealt with it amazingly I’m so proud of them, we talk about mum every day and the things she used to do hadn’t had any flashbacks in a while but I had 3 night on the run last week then Friday was a trigger for me and the tears flowed x
Hello
It is hard not to let grief consume you.
I have been living with it for nearly 8 years since I lost my mum. I have realised that I don’t have to live with my grief and that if I give in to it then it will consume me. Oh my god it really is horrible when it takes over. I’ve began to think positively that it is me that is in control of my grief and my life not the other way round. Obviously I have good and bad days like anyone else. I’ve told myself life doesn’t have to be this way and that life is truly what you make it.
I’ve got a wonderful focus in my life. My partners granddaughter who I worship the ground she walks on. She is joy wrapped in a beautiful package she makes me forget my grief and brings love and happiness I’ve not known In such along time. All I want is to be her grandad she calls me by my first name it doesn’t matter to me because she makes life worthwhile
So grief do your worst because that little girl in my life takes it away when she’s with me
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It’s true what your saying about grief consuming every part of you if you let it I was in a dark place when my mum died 8 months ago we had been on her journey with her for 26 years and when she was finally given the all clear it took her away from us now 8 months on I’ve learnt to live my life again I won’t let my grief consume me anymore life is too short for that I have my girls to keep me going who are still young 12 and 14 and my mum was a big part of their lives you could say she helped me raise them into the young ladies they are becoming and we have so many memories we can share together to keep her with us every day because that’s what she would of wanted for us, I just take each day as it comes now and I know I’m aloud to have good days and bad days without feeling guilty anymore and I know I’m still on a journey and it’s going to be a long one but it’s ok, I’m ok.
Hi
Just keep telling yourself that your doing well you should be proud of yourself
I keep telling myself the same thing. It took along time getting to where I am. I didn’t want to give up on living my life. It’s one of the most horrific experiences to lose a mum especially when I wasn’t prepared for it. I know I’m doing more than ok. I’m starting to enjoy life again it feels damned good
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Thank you I will it’s good to know that hopefully as tim goes on, I learnt to accept everything that happened before, during and after where there was once a huge huge hole in my heart I was finally able to go back to work, to smile and laugh again without the guilt eating away at me for doing so, I’m able to make plans going forward, especially when I didn’t even want to be here I couldn’t see a life without my mum she was my best friend, she was my go to when I needed a hug to go from having that and speaking every day to not hearing her or seeing her was the worst thing to ever happen to me part of me went with her that day, my bereavement counselling helped a lot with my trauma and now im able to think clearly she helped me unravel everything in my head.
Hello Lisa.
I know how you feel
The day my mum left me it felt my world had come to end. It still feels it’s raw and it wasn’t really November 24 2016 my mum left me it’s more like it happened today. Time just feels like it’s frozen in that moment I can’t describe it. I was obsessed with finding a way to prevent my mum leaving me. If someone said to me here’s my Time Machine I’d get in it to change that horrible day I wouldn’t hesitate not one for one moment I’d even trade places so my mum could live. My life wouldn’t have mattered because I love her so much.
When I look back at what happened to my mum I feel robbed of the rest of my life with her. It wasn’t her time to go. All I’ve got is my memories of her. They are precious they keep me going it gives me comfort
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I have been reading all the messages. It’s so hard, I feel like I am living in a parallel universe. Nothing feels real & everything feels pointless. I now have to navigate my mother in law having cancer and quite frankly I don’t want to. I am grieving my mom, I want people to talk about my mom. I feel so robbed losing my mom. She was 74 and had so much life in her. My heart and my head don’t have the strength to deal with this.
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Aw Becca i feel for you. I think even if this terrible thing hadnt happened with your mother in law, in my experience people talk less and less about my mum as time goes on and i feel like im desperately clinging to her, trying to keep her here. It feels like swimming against the tide somedays. With your mother in law becoming ill its another reminder that whilst our worlds have stopped, the rest of the world keeps turning and new tragedies occur. But you can still remember and grieve your mum - i think we’ll be doing that all our lives, regardless of what else happens along the way 
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We’re all at my dad’s at the moment. I took a bigger round. Been sat in me moms craft room, I looking through her journals. I miss her so much and can’t believe she isn’t here. I sprayed her perfume on me so I could smell her. My heart if just broken forever 
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Was many to say we took a buffet round!
I went to church today, haven’t been for a couple of weeks. I find it a hard place to be right now and I feel invisible.
I feel so meaningless and empty.
Becca you have so much to deal with, this thread is very aptly named it is exhausting and sometimes you just have to accept that and rest.
take care
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Hi
Yeah i only had 3 days of work compassionate leave. I work in local government I wasn’t to happy my employer didn’t give me more time of work after losing my mum. After 3 days was up I went back to work not in a good place at the time. I work in enforcement I get a lot of abuse from the public. I said to myself you can’t let the abuse get to you when you’re grieving for your mum. I don’t know how I did it. It took a lot to cope I was already thick skinned at my job. It had taken several months getting like this. There were times I’d go somewhere quiet and sob my heart out if someone had said something that got to me. I just dusted myself of and carried on. My mum would be so proud because I know she’s looking down on me.
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You did so well going back I can only manage three days a week and then only just as I have the constant narrative of guilt in my head.
Well to be fair I wasn’t left with much choice. I could of used my annual leave which I didn’t want to do
I thought I may as well go back to work it’s harder to go back when you’ve had a lot of time of work
Hi,
The horse has already bolted in your case, but just in case anyone else is reading, if your workplace only offers crappy compassionate leave (mine is 2 days / year) then your GP will willingly sign you off with grief. I was on sick leave for over 3 months, followed by a 12-week phased return. My managers didn’t have any say in this: it was the GP who approved the leave and the phased return.
Totally agree Burgled.
A sick note is crucial. Then phased return.
Only way to ease the worry
Deborah x
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I went on sick leave after the 3 days my GP signed me off as I was depressed and having panic attacks I work for the NHS in a busy community pharmacy so I couldn’t face anyone as some of our patients where really sick, i had to take the 4 months off to get my head straight I went back and slotted straight in my colleagues where so supportive before during and after I’m so glad I went back to get some structure back in my life x
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I had a really turbulent time when I went back to work. I took 5 days that I was allowed and then did reduced hours for 3 weeks and then phased return for 3 weeks. I got no support what so ever. Things are better in some ways, but I park my feelings at home while I am working as no one cares to be honest.
I am feeling so low at the moment, I just want to runaway.