Ps if i remember rightly when i did my research on vitamin d deficiency there was also a link to depression like symptoms, feelings of hopelessness etc. Again, a pill isnt going to take it all away, but the deficiency could be amplifying those feelings at the moment. So its good that your GP is picking up on these things 
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It’s like a double whammy. It has definitely made my depression feel worse. I have had really dark days. It is so draining. I had low vitamin D a couple of years ago after my hysterectomy. I feel like my body is being hit from all sides and I said to my GP that I am not really looking after myself properly.
The diabetes test will probably confirm it, I have been pre diabetic for a few years. I am feeling so fed up and ashamed of myself right now about it. I haven’t told anyone, not even my husband about the diabetes. It’s because I am over weight. It is so hard to eat properly.
It really is hard to eat properly, especially in the midst of grief. I still live on ready-made meals, unable to bring myself to cook. Don’t be ashamed, Becca, you have so much to cope with now and it’s no wonder food hasn’t been a priority. It’s good that you’re getting something for the vitamin deficiencies, I hope it will help.
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Dont feel ashamed, Becca - I think its totally understandable that we might not look after ourselves in the midst of all the pain. I certainly have resorted to munching chocolate every night for comfort, the little exercise i did has stopped and i have zero motivation to restart.
The vitamin deficiencies can be rectified, and if your diabetes test confirms you have it, then talk to your hubby. Youre a team - if it was something affecting him im sure you would want to know about it and to support him? If it helps at all, my mum was type 2 diabetic for approx the last 15 years and was able to keep it under control via diet alone, she never needed tablets. 
I make sure everyone else has a decent meal. Sometimes I do myself something, but sometimes I can’t be bothered.
I am hoping the bereavement counselling will help me. It starts tomorrow. I just want to feel better than this.
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Have you had the counselling today? How did it go?
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Hi @Ulma, I had the bereavement counselling last night. It went ok. I had more normal counselling today. I am so exhausted.
Had to take my dad for a hospital appointment this afternoon, he needs new knees. I felt so stressed and it was so triggering.
Came home and needing to speak to my husband and his mother has had a fall so he is over there and waiting for paramedics. So he won’t be home any time soon. I need him.
I feel so selfish, but I am fed up of not being able to spend time with him. My sister in law is away next week and my MIL wants my husband to go over more while she is away. She only comes twice a week. I feel like my summer is going to be dominated by her. I feel so alone and I need my husband. I need to talk to him.
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My mother in law is still in hospital after her fall the other day. She is still in A&E!!! She has been there since the early hours of Friday morning. There is no bed for her on a ward.
It breaks my heart, she is in pain but hasn’t broken anything. She has all her facilities, but the conversations are really odd. She is 92, I just can’t see her coming home.
I am on my knees with exhaustion. I can’t deal with all of this. It is triggering so much.
When I slide going to give me a break?
I’m so sorry, of course it’s all too much right now with everything that’s happening! And you’re not selfish, you are struggling and need support.
Is your husband there at the hospital still? Insane that she’s still in A&E at her age, surely they could find a bed somewhere. 
My heart goes out to your mother in law and all of you. When my mum had her fall, she was in A&E several days before going to a ward and its not a nice place to be. Are they giving her any pain relief?Do you think the pain is more to do with her possible cancer diagnosis? Im just wondering whether if the palliative care team were contacted could they intervene and get her moved sonewhere more comfortable? Huge hugs to you all
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Thank you @Ally6 the hospital are being really vague. I think she is getting pain relief. The pain is due to the fall, she can’t move or mobilise. The hospital she is in is not a good one. Part of the same trust as the hospital my mom died in. Thankfully we live in a different county so can go somewhere else.
I just needed to have a stress free summer. My sister in law has gone on holiday so we are dealing with it. We go away on 5th August and I desperately need a proper break other wise I think I may have another breakdown. My mind and body can’t take much more.
I have told my husband to get intouch with PALS if she is still in A&E on Monday.
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It is exhausting, coming to 3rd August when mom was admitted to hospital, miss her so much and feel like i am just existing. Knowing that i am never going to see her again is makes life unbearable
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@Bestie18 i am so sorry. My mom was admitted to hospital on 18th August last year and died on 30th. I went o so many dr’s & hospital appointments last year before she was admitted. It’s so hard, I still can’t believe my mom died. My heart breaks every day. Sending hugs
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Thank you, sending hugs back. So hard isnt it, just cant explain this empty feeling inside. Feel lonely without her
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Had such a tough counselling session last night. I feel really rubbish today. My MIL is still in hospital as well. I haven’t been to see her since the weekend as it is too triggering.
One thing my counsellor said is that i haven’t had space to grieve. This might sound stupid but how to I give myself space to grieve? I don’t know how effective this counselling will be as it is on the phone. I just do most of the talking.
Give it time Becca with your counsellor, it took me 4 sessions before i felt it became useful. Id say if youre doing most of the talking the balance is right, because initially they are going to need to listen to you to understand your grief and your situation.
Im sorry to hear MIL is still in hospital- has she at least been moved to a ward now? Do you think you’ll get away next week for your break as planned?
In terms of having space to grieve, id ask him/her for what they mean and see if they come up with any useful advice. For me i see it as two fold- firstly giving yourself physical time in the day where you are spending time with your thoughts and emotions about your mum, and not rushing from one task to another. Once counselling started i found my brain became a lot more active, thinking about stuff, so its been even more important to create time for that. Secondly giving mental space to those emotions and letting them flow rather than seeking distraction or shutting them down. Thats how i would interpret it, be interesting to hear from others
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We are still going away next week. But my anxiety levels are really high.
My MIL is on a ward now, she has been since Sunday evening. She is still in pain and can’t walk. But they can’t find anything wrong. She is medically fit so they are putting a care package together. But she can’t walk at the moment.
I am literally on the edge, feel like I am going to fall apart. I don’t feel well physically and emotionally.
I just can’t cope.
I know its approaching significant anniversary dates for you, so probably all your emotions are building like a pressure cooker, on top of having the trigger of seeing your MIL in hospital. It must be overwhelming, you poor thing I think you just have to go back to getting through one day, one hour at a time, and being realistic with yourself about how much you can handle on any given day. You dont have work right now, so try and give yourself as much time as you can to look after yourself. I think a few of us in this thread are approaching first anniversaries so its another massive challenge for all of us - make sure you lean on your family and let them support you, and use the counselling support you have to get through these coming weeks. And of course, we’re all here for you too. Sending hugs
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Thank you @Ally6. Yes, 30th August is the 1st anniversary, just before I go back to work. I am dreading it. My dad is on the waiting list for a knee replacement and that is due to happen in the next 6 weeks.
I just can’t believe this is my life now without my mom. I need her here, I miss her so much 
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I get that i really do - i feel like im in freefall right now desperately trying to find something/someone to grab to give me some stability/security, but theres nothing
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