Tommorrow night will be when mom was admitted after call out from paramedics, just so hard to deal with, woke up last night at 1.30 and just pictured mom in hospital. How do you ever get over this, cannot find any confort when i have these thoughts and pictures in my head
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I think with all these important dates that trigger difficult memories, its almost impossible to find any comfort - people telling you to remember the good times or that your mum is always with you just doesnt cut it right now! Let whatever emotions arise run their course, but if the thoughts are consuming you, there are grounding techniques like looking for distractions, walking in nature, even hugging a pillow in the absence of anyone to hug apparently works! Do you have any friends/family to call upon when you need to talk? Sending hugs to you @Bestie18 
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I’m here too and I understand. It feels like when we were young and lost them in a store or something, that deep panic and disorientation. Only we could find them again back then and be comforted. 
You have so much to deal with right now and your dad’s knee replacement coming up as well. It isn’t strange that it feels overwhelming and you need some breathing space, but I know it’s difficult to find. Vent here, we will listen.
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…and of course, for everyone approaching their first anniversary, brace yourself for the comments that it will get easier now youve got through the first year. Ive already had that from close family 
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Thank you @Ulma i feel like my brain needs a break from it all. The last few years of my life have been really tough. I don’t think I can deal with much more. 
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Oh yeah! My friend said to me not to listen to people who say the first is the hardest. She said that is setting yourself up to fail. The 2nd, 3rd, 10th etc will be hard.
It’s all hard, it’s just rubbish: none of us want to be part of this ‘club’ for want of a better word.
My son has gone away with his friends. He said to me yesterday that he was feeling sad as the last time he went away with them, was the last time he saw my mom just before he went. It must be playing on his mind too. It hurts to see my kids hurting so much as well.
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Thank you, do have family and friends, dont like to say really how I am feeling and your right that i need to let this take its course, feel these emotions. Thank you for your message.
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I feel so down at the moment. My dad is having his knee replacement on 16th August, so my summer holidays will be over then. The start has been rubbish with my MIL being in hospital.
He is having it done at a private hospital & it happens to be one where I took my mom a couple of times last year to see a specialist.
I am just so fed up of it all. I have no life
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Hey @Braddy2905, I feel you completely. My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of May. She had to go to the coroner and they initially told us it could take 6 weeks but we got to 6 weeks and we heard nothing, so we contacted them and they still knew nothing. Eventually this week on, literally on Wednesday, that called my dad and finally told us what she died of after 9 weeks.
It’s kind of strange finding out, because for us a few things have clicked in to place since finding out that she died of gallbladder perforation due to gallstones in her gallbladder and had traces of cancer in her colon. Which is crazy because she had a blockage removed from her bowel (polyps) in 2019 which they determined wasn’t cancer, they said her stomach would be sensitive to some things so every so often at random points in the year (maybe twice a year) she would get sick, have trapped wind, throw up and then after 2-3 days she’d be back to normal. Whenever she mentioned it at her check ups they always said yeah that’s normal after this procedure but clearly it’s evident now it wasn’t.
My dad and I have figured out that every time she was ill, must’ve been a gallstone passing out of her gallbladder but this time it must’ve got stuck in the valve which caused her gallbladder to overflow and eventually burst and then cause an infection inside her body which must be what actually killed her. And from doing a bit of research, it turns out if you have gallstones you’re more prone to having colon cancer and polyps in your bowels, so now it seems the direct reason for her bowel problems in the first place must’ve been the gallstones because they take 10-20 years to form, so she must’ve already had them during her operation. I also refuse to believe that the colon cancer magically appears after she’s given her 5 year all clear check up. As also colon cancer is slow growing and can take years to show yo on a scan, so I refuse to believe it’s conveniently there only a year later. It must’ve been there the whole time and they didn’t see it. But turns out all of these things are connected because they’re all a long the digestive tract.
So it’s almost felt worse finding out because it’s made us realise for years this has all been a big mess of mistakes. In hindsight we should’ve took her to the hospital, long before what happened recently, but also the doctors should’ve held a duty of care for her whenever she mentioned it to them and to the doctor who she spoke to the night before she died. So finding out has felt harder because it has come with a lot of hurt and upset and regrets and thinking about the what ifs and I know it’s not gonna help anyone, but us humans we constantly criticise ourselves and I feel in hard situations like this, even though we shouldn’t, it’s no different I’m realising because we’re always gonna think we should’ve and could’ve done more even if we’re not actually to know what is happening. And my dad and I have to live with that regret for the rest of our lives that we didn’t save her even if it wasn’t our place to know what was going on inside her body was life threatening because how are you ever supposed to know.
It’s important to know, but I’ve found it really heartbreaking finding out. I’ll always wish I could go back and change it and I know I can’t but I’ll forever wish that I could and live with the regret that I didn’t at the time.
It’s hard, I’m here if you wanna share anything and sending you loads of love and support x x
Hi
What I’ll never get is how my mum fell and hurt herself she went into hospital then all of a sudden she got pneumonia and then severe meningitis she was put into an induced coma. None of it makes sense
My dad and I have spent the last 8 years since we lost my mum trying to make sense of why my mum got so poorly in such a very short space of time. My dad and I blame two hospitals the countess of Chester hospital (same one Lucy letby worked at) and royal Liverpool hospital
I will forever detest both hospitals for playing a part in taking my mum away from me. If. I had my way I’d sue them and take them to the cleaners and try and proof corporate manslaughter including medical neglect. These people have no shame
Went to see my MIL today. We spoke to the dr, one of the things he told us is that the can has progressed more in her lungs.
I felt sick to my stomach. The inevitable will happen and I am so scared. I just can’t cope anymore.
Im so sorry to hear that - it must be so tough for all of you Just take it one day at a time, thats all you can do. Make use of your counselling to talk about your fears rather than bottling them up. I know so much of this must feel out of your control, but are there any things that you can reclaim control over that might help? The tragic reality is you dont know whats going to happen and when with your mother in law - theres no control over that. But you could determine to try and make this time she has as comfortable and pain free as possible, and ensure that whatever time she has with her family is special. You know how precious those family memories are I know its incredibly triggering for you, so absolutely you can only do what you feel able to.
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We are going away for a few days on Monday, so I need to try and switch off and get some rest. My dad is having his knee replacement on 16th August. So my summer break is basically over.
I don’t have my bereavement counselling next week.
It’s hard to know what to do about my MIL, can’t really make any memories with her as she is 93 and basically bed bound now. My kids aren’t that close to her either. She can be quite challenging. They don’t want to visit her in hospital, I think it is too triggering for them.
I just know what’s coming and it terrifies me. My head is a mess. I am seeing my GP on 21st August. I suspect I will offload loads. I just feel like I have no life anymore.
I dont know how far advanced the doctors are saying she is, but it might be appropriate to explore something like hospice care, they can even be used just for symptom management not just at end of life. I dont have personal experience of hospice care but from all i have read and from my own interactions with my local hospice they are so dedicated to helping people maintain some quality of life, and the environment is so much more welcoming and supportive for all the visiting family as well.
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I am not sure @Ally6 , they aren’t really talking about end of life yet. I just can’t comprehend this and I keep thinking why is all this happening to us, to me?
The hospital are in the process of putting a care package together. So we need to wait and see what that will look like.
I just don’t want to be going through this again. I am grieving my mom.
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I hope your week away gives you some much needed space to just breathe - try not to spend the whole time worrying! Where are you off to?
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We are going to Lincoln for a few days. My anxiety is really bad and I just want to stay at home.
I still won’t believe we can go until we are on the way. My sister in law gets back off holiday tonight so she will be in charge of their mother. Just hoping nothing happens to my MIL.
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Youre still in the country, if anything happens you can be there in a few hours im sure. Try and enjoy it - being in a totally different environment and the physical distance from home may help you take a breath and feel less overwhelmed by it all.
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@Ally6 It’s only a couple of hours away from where we live.
My brain is just going a million miles an hour.
Not one of my friends has asked how things are or how I am since I told them about my MIL last week. I am just going to shut myself away from everyone then I so get hurt.
I am so close to resigning from my job as I don’t feel good enough and I am a liability. I feel like I will just let them down.
Everything is just a mess .
