I’d love none better than to turn over and not go anywhere but I’m cooking at my dad’s I would soon have gone out but he’s 91 and it would be too much for him so I’m cooking.
I don’t care about Christmas and that makes me more sad. I feel so empty. I have nothing left to give. It will just be me, my husband, kids & my dad. My mom loved Christmas and made it special and was good fun. My dad is fun, he is just a bit lost and sad like me.
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I know people mean well but I keep hearing you’ve got to enjoy Christmas Day your mum would want that . No my mum would enjoy being with me and the family more than anything and she isn’t 
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Yeah it’s the same here, mum loved Christmas I’d help her do the dinner for them me partner and the two girls, so I’m going to be cooking in their house and hope I do it justice just like mum taught me
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I’m sure you will Lucy . What I don’t like is now and then as times gone by the last 8 weeks I’m finding I have moments where I’m not king thinking about her and I hate it and then feel guilty again . Do you find yourself looking up to the sky and talking to them ? I know I do x
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My heart goes out to you it really does and I’m so so sorry I’m not going to say try and enjoy because I don’t even want to wake up Christmas day and if that’s me being selfish I don’t care, but I don’t want my girls feeling what I’m feeling right now I don’t want to put them through anymore heartache so I will force myself to get through the day the best I can and then Christmas day will be over for another year, baby steps, I’ll just take baby steps and deal with the days ahead day by day, not because I want to but because I have to xx
I look to the ask and I tell her about my day how I’m missing her and wishes she was here but not the way she was, suffering why does loss have to hurt so much , I relive my loss every day and that’s the bit I can’t deal with, I have lived the last 28:years know that one day this would happen when I first heard of her diagnosis when she was 60 I thought I was going to lose her then and every year since has been the same it’s always been there in the background like a shadow lingering only this time the inevitable happened, and although we knew we still weren’t prepared to lose her like that.
I feel totally wretched today. My head hurts. There is so much to do to get ready for Christmas when all I want to do is sleep. There is no time to switch off and I am being low key this Christmas.
My mom should be here, I miss her so much. I want to hear her voice and just have shut from her 
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I don’t think we can ever be prepared for it. Not really. No amount of imagining can prepare us for it actually happening. We might know, but it’s not real until it suddenly is. 
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@Lisa_L51 i lived with that fear of the inevitable for many years also - the only comfort i take from it now is that nothing can hurt my darlimg Mum any more. Plus the dreaded moment of death has been and gone - i think now its the realisation that its the waking up every day and carrying on thats so difficult.
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Like ally my only consolation is my mum isn’t suffering what dementia did to her anymore and she was only going to worse and I hated what I did to her . But saying that I would cut my arm to have her back her now I miss her so much and just find myself constantly wandering around sobbing be it at home or in the street . I can’t believe I won’t see her Xmas day for the first time my beautiful mum deserved so much more
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I wish so much to get a sign of some sort, but I haven’t. Not even any meaningful dreams. I keep asking for it, but no. So then I start sobbing again.
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Yea I keep doing the same but nothing I don’t know if it’s cos I am wishing for one and wanting it so much x
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That’s what I’m thinking too, that if I look and wait for it it won’t come. But I have no idea how it works, if it works. It makes me sad to read about having wonderful experiences though, both dreams and signs.
I think that, people say have you been seeing robins or white feathers. I see nothing, they say my mom is with me all the time. And I just want to say, no she isn’t. She isn’t here and I am broken inside.
I’m the same becca I’m forever being told she is watching over me and by my side . I’d love to believe but I don’t know what to think . I had a weird thing the other day where I was upset saying my mums name and the light bulb was flickering and it hasn’t done it since once . Is that a sign or just the bulb . I’d love to believe it’s the case
A few weeks ago I kept seeing rainbows & I love rainbows 
they are sign. But lately nothing. Just emptiness. I have slept most of today, I need my mom , that’s all I can say. I am lost without her.
It’s meant as comfort, of course, to say they are always with us. But it’s poor comfort when it’s their physical presence we miss so intensely.
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I feel like I am going to wake up from this nightmare and it isn’t true. I am feeling so anxious tonight that the same thing will happen to me😞
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Awww becca I can resonate with thinking it’s a nightmare and not real …: I’ve sat again staring at my mums chair sobbing and talking to her . Do you think they can hear us or feel us ? It’s easy to think it will happen to us it’s natural but don’t put that on yourself whilst grieving as you are please
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