Thank you @Ally6 , just all over the place. Finish work today and not back until next Monday. Funeral is Thursday.
Found out last night that a friend from work has got stage 4 cancer. We thought she had beat it. Totally gutted 
Oh no thats so sad about your friend Wishing you strength to get through the next few days 
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It has been a tough few days. I feel terrible, my head feels so heavy. I just feel like the light has gone out.
Im sure it must have been incredibly tough. Just take it easy and dont demand too much from yourself right now. I too feel dead inside and like im dying a bit more every day, so all we can do is hang on and hope that gradually life feels worth living again. Or at least is bearable - I’d settle for that right now
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I just feel so rubbish mentally. I just want to sleep and hide away. Back to work tomorrow. Although i don’t want to go back, trouble is if i don’t for back I may never go back.
I am going to try and go to church today, haven’t been for a couple
Of months because of the summer hols and life.
I can fully relate to you Ally, part of me has died inside, just feel like I’m just existed. I dont really do the food shopping anymore as i always did this with mom. Popped to shop today and then went to moms house, that was a trigger, her not being there and going to her house and she not there either. Just miss her so much, feel so lonely
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I found work was a safe haven for me Becca, even though mom is in my thoughts everyday, its when your at home and alone it hits so hard. Sending hugs
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I find work hard, I sit on my own for most of the day & part of my job is talking to kids about their future. I can barely string a sentence together. I am finding life hard, grieving. Looking after my dad & supporting my daughter is really low as she can’t get a job. I just feel torn in so many directions.
I just need my mom. 
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Aww Ally those words are definitely so true.
Thank you for sharing it
Deborah x
I keep going all week because of work and then feel utterly rubbish at the weekend. I just feel sad 
.
Still trying to get my head around my MIL dying a show quick it was. Then all I want to do is have a hug from my mom.
Hi Becca, I find Friday, Saturday and Sunday hard, Friday always spent together and sometimes the other days. So lost without mom and its hard when you haven’t got a supported partner, mom was my go to when i needed support. Sending hugs
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I am sorry @Bestie18 , we’re here to support you.
My husband has been clearing his mother’s flat today.
Autumn was our favourite time along it with Christmas & we would be planning and doing things together. It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks and I just feel sad. I am not feeling well today so that isn’t helping and I am dreading work next week as it is so busy and I don’t know when I will get rest.
Hi how is everyone sorry I haven’t been on here much just find life gets in the way sometimes and I just switch off, can’t believe it’s October all ready it will be a year this month since my mum left us I just can’t believe I got through this year and come out the other side it was her birthday 2 weeks ago we took flowers the cemetery and just had a quiet day was a bit emotional to be honest that that time last year she had slept all day and barely new we were there then the day after had the fall that put her in hospital for the last time never to return home, there has been ups and downs along the way but we talk about her all the time especially to my girls not sure how I’m going to feel on the actual 1st anniversary but I’m looking past that as 2 days later my nieces first born baby is due a girl and I’m so excited for the new addition joining our family, I hope everyone is keeping well xx
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Hi @Lisa_L51 good to hear from you. Its coming up one year for me this month too and im really struggling- we’re in the process of preparing mums house for sale because i cant really delay it any longer, so along with all the flashbacks of what was happening this time last year im having to sort through and part with some of mums possessions which is SO hard 
Im waiting for a 2nd batch of counselling- they only offer 12 sessions then you have to go back on waiting list again, so thats not great for continuity! Ive been waiting around 10 weeks now so feel a bit stuck without that support. How lovely that you have your nieces baby to look forward to. It sounds wrong to say i hope the anniversary goes as well as these things can, but you know what i mean.
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Morning,
Will be thinking about you @Lisa_L51 ’ @Ally6 with the anniversary coming up.
I found the day of my mom’s anniversary totally flat. I felt numb, it felt like the elephant in the room. I just want to talk about it all, but we didn’t. We did go out for afternoon tea on the day.
Sending you lots of love.
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Thinking of you all, with the upcoming and recent anniversaries.
@Becca_d you mentioned that nothing was said on your mom’s anniversary. My brother commented to me yesterday that when we went out for my dad’s birthday we didn’t actually speak about him. But we reflected that that’s because my middle nephew (13) was playing up. My mum reminded me afterwards that he had come to see his grandad in hospital, and was absolutely devastated . Plus, his stepdad (the only dad he’s ever known) has just moved out of the family home. So we give him allowances.
The solicitor told me that the grant of probate would take 4-6 months (perhaps longer than your experiences, on account of my dad not having a will). So at 5 months I emailed them, and it turns out that it had come in before month 4 and they hadn’t posted it to me, or emailed me to let me know it was on its way 
.
So I have it now, and the primary care practice swiftly sent me my dad’s notes. At first reading them was OK, because it brought him back to life - they had quoted a few of the things he’d said, and it made me chuckle. But now, reading them in order to lodge a grievance, makes me feel really sick, emotionally. I had thought that he went to the practice 2 or 3 times with his productive cough but, no, depending on where you consider that his ongoing cough began (there were also some chest infections, which may have been unrelated) he went 7-8 times, beginning in 2019. Only once was he given a GP to see. All subsequent appointments were with someone not medically qualified. A second symptom is also recorded in the notes: shortness of breath on exertion. I didn’t realise he’d had that. So, he was going to them with 2 symptoms, not 1. He had 1 family history recorded: heart disease in his father, who had a heart attack. This is recorded in his notes, yet when they decided on a diagnosis of asthma, they wrote ‘no family history of COPD / asthma / respiratory’ and evidently didn’t take account of his actual family history, and consider a cardiac cause.
It’s just really really rubbish. The counsellor I had for six sessions said something about me pursuing a complaint “even though it won’t change the outcome.” I choose to believe that she didn’t mean that, and just chose the wrong words. Because, no, it won’t bring my dad back, but yes it would change the outcome for me, because i would know that I’d spoken up to say that my dad’s lack of care is not acceptable, and hopefully (though I doubt it, because the practice is hopeless) prevent another family from going through this .
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I am sat in bed sobbing. I am just so mentally exhausted with it all. I miss my mom so much, I need her. If she was here I wouldn’t feel so wretched.
My heart is aching for her.
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Hugs, Becca. I know, I’m mentally exhausted too. How are we supposed to endure, I wonder, being so very very tired.