Bad day today. Not so much about Christmas but just feeling desperately alone in this world without my Mum. She was the one person who made me feel i belonged in this world, she was the one person whod be pleased to see me, who’d miss me if i didnt call, who’d worry that i looked tired/stressed. I just feel now like i could go weeks on end without contacting anyone and no one would even worry whether i was ok. Sorry if that sounds massively full of self pity. I just dont know where i fit any more. 
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Well, I think we should be allowed to pity ourselves right now, with our lives in such upheaval. We’ve had the rug pulled out from under us.
I have no idea where I fit in now either. I fit in with dad, we were two peas in a pod, and like you I feel desperately alone. I’ve been crying so hard these last few days my head and my chest hurts. Wish I could take away both our sorrows, but I understand, you can vent as much as you like here and we would notice if you disappeared. 
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I can’t wait for Christmas to be over. It will never hold the same magic again. I believe Dad will be there in spirit in his usual seat at the table but I want him back the way he was so I can hug him again. 
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Exactly how I’m feeling my mum was the centre of our family now I barely see anyone havnt seen my brother in weeks, I’ve seen my sister twice since we scattered mums ashes it seems they have gone back to living there own lives now mums gone they have nothing to visit for even though their step dad is still alive and 91 and I’m basically left looking after him just like mum, I’m there every day checking on him, I don’t begrudge doing it as they gave me everything growing up and he treated me like his own daughter from the age of 9 so 42 years I’ve been his daughter, but I’ve had to live my life along side theirs, so in a way I’ve had the added stress as they got older especially when COVID hit and they couldn’t go out I was the one on call as I lived 5 mins away by car, I was the one mum would call when she needed something, her explanation was well the other 2 are busy and I don’t want to bother them, well you never asked was I ever busy mum, when I met someone and had kids it was your not going to move away are you, no mum I won’t move, my life was never my own and I know that sounds selfish saying it and im angry that she left me feeling sad and alone,but she had to work hard to raise me and my siblings and I’m the only one I feel appreciates that as her upbringing wasn’t as nice. I have all these angry thoughts in my head and then the guilt kicks in for thinking them.
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hello lucy/lisa, not sleeping well? i can’t go back to sleep once i’m awake… i’ve been getting some sun lately, well as much as this weather allows, and it’s been really a difference maker for my mood lately. i would recommend you do the same. just sit outside absorbing some sun light whenever possible. the warmth and brightness seems to help.
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Just call me Lisa haha don’t have any sun in Uk at the moment weather is awful we’ve had a storm this week. Won’t let me change my user name on profile x
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It’s unbearable when you start to think about it. Yes, they should be here and I’d give anything to be able to hug him again.
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I went to our shopping centre today, couldn’t wait to get out of there. It was so overwhelming. There was a brass band playing carols. I just wanted to cry. I am sat wrapping presents and I just feel sad that there isn’t one for my mom. I feel so utterly rubbish and sad. 
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Met a friend in a cafe today. After we’d been there an hour the owner came over with a free pot of tea because id been crying so much! There are nice people out there
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I am lay in bed crying. Just can’t face Christmas without my mom. I need her to be here, I need to hear her voice and hold her hand. It’s not fair, I don’t want this to be real. Can I just wake up from this nightmare.
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I hear you. I’m sitting in an armchair crying, dreading the next few days.
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Hugs to you both Ulma and Becca. i know theres nothing i can say to make it better. Im sure our Mums/Dads would hate to see us hurting so much. Try and hold onto the happy memories of past Christmasses with them, even though i know it can feel bitter-sweet. They are always with us as long as we remember them. 
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Although you’re gone, I’m not alone,
And never shall I be,
For the precious memories of the bond we shared
Will never depart from me.
Our love surpassed the ups and downs
And helped us along the way,
And that same love will give me strength
To manage this loss each day.
On my mind and in my heart,
you shall forever be,
For just as much as I am a part of you,
You are a part of me - s. walker
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That’s lovely x
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I am seriously on the edge today and my family don’t seem to care. How do they think I feel? I have to go to my MIL shortly , I don’t want to go. But I have to. I had to shout at my husband to get out of bed. My heart is breaking, do they not get it?
I just want to stay in bed until Christmas is over.
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So sorry Becca_d.
We care. Some people just need it spelling out to them. My sister and her husband fell out recently, because he was his usual brutish self and didn’t realise that she was really hurting inside. The reason for her hurt and sadness was that she had just been offered a brilliant promotion that she’d told my dad about only a few weeks previously, and he was beaming with pride and encouraging her and telling her that she had a good chance .
So, even if it should be obvious, to some people it’s not. Talk to the people who don’t seem to understand, and tell them how you’re feeling.
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I shouted at my son and now he has gone to work and I hate that we have had cross words. I have sent him a message.
My husband is like what can I do to help? I can’t keep thinking for everyone. I told him I want to go to bed and get up when Christmas is over.
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Hugs all around today. It’s so hard when other people want to celebrate Christmas as usual and you just want to run away. Easy to become irritated with them too, especially when they don’t understand that it’s painful for you. Even thinking our loved ones are with us in spirit doesn’t help, at least not for me, because I need my dad here in person right now.
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Yes, much love to all of you during this especially difficult time. I will light a candle later and keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ulma, I feel the same - it just isn’t the same without them here. I set a place at the table for Dad for tomorrow but wish he was here. It’s torment.
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It really is. The loss being so recent and so close to Christmas too makes it so you feel like you’re walking around in a daze of despair. Everything hurts. 
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