My mom was in hospital for 12 days, I’d fought for 6 months for someone to listen to me that something was wrong. 2 hours before she died we found out she had metastatic ovarian cancer. I was like a train had hit us. We had no time to process anything or ask questions. We were in shock. Then 2 hours later she died, it was horrific and traumatic for her and us.
I had to hone people to tell them as my dad couldn’t do it, I had to text or email all her friends. I didn’t want it to be true I still don’t.
I don’t know how I am going to get through the rest of my life without her.
I am fed up with the expectations of the first is always hard. My friend who is a nurse said that is just what the books say it’s an unrealistic expectation. Everything is hard, I guess it will just change as we adjust to this new life.
But when a loved one dies it is hard whatever the circumstances. But when you weren’t expecting it, failed by NHS, a traumatic death and only having 2 hours ti process the fact that my mom had metastatic ovarian cancer. Then is feel 10 times worse.
We were hit by this big boulder. We were in shock and then she died. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? I want to scream the place down. I relive it everyday.
I love the idea of that throw, Lucy and that you got that made for your Dad - so lovely! Ive got so many jumpers of mums im wondering if theres a way i can get them made into a patchwork throw without them all fraying as soon as they get cut up.
Feel like ive been hit by a bus after yesterday. In years gone by Boxing Day would have been family party time, making endless plates of sandwiches. But as the family gradually dwindled and the parties stopped, Boxing Day became mine and Mums day together - no visitors, just enjoying quality time together. We’d usually have saved some gifts from Christmas Day and would open them the next day.
Reading the experiences you Becca and others have had it feels like youre not only having to handle the grief and pain of losing your loved one, but then you’ve also got the added trauma of how they died/how they were treated and all the anger/injustice and protectiveness you still feel for your loved one. I cant begin to imagine how heart rending that must be
And of course im betting we’re all going to have someone who’s going to say “new year, new start” to us.
I know what you mean, Becca. It’s absolutely disgusting, how lives have been shattered thanks to mistakes being made by an overrun and underfunded NHS.
I’m voting for a political party that will invest in the NHS, or at least has a suitable alternative (e.g. the Australian model, where some aspects are paid for privately, but most is publicly funded).
UK life expectancy is declining; Australia’s is higher.
You and I (and many others) have experienced tragedy. There’s no mistaking it. But we cannot collapse under the strain. We can’t be part of a bigger tragedy. We have to keep going.
I feel the protectiveness so incredibly strong still and struggle with guilt that I couldn’t protect him. It hurts immensely and I have these flashbacks to moments where he was in pain that I can’t escape. It really is crushing to have those feelings of anger and injustice and it makes everything worse.
And what are we supposed to say when people ask if we had a nice Christmas. Do they expect us to say ‘yes, it was lovely’. When actually it was utter and empty and I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour that my eyes are still red sore today. I want my mom, I can’t get away from that. She deserved better death. Could she have still been here if someone had listened just for one last Christmas. We could have made memories.
“We didn’t really celebrate it” should cover any awkward questions about Christmas.
My friend has invited a load of us out for his birthday in the new year and I’m sure many won’t have heard my sad news, so there’ll be excited questions about Christmas and how it was spent. My friend whose birthday it is actually lost his mum when he was in his twenties, and his dad isn’t the most supportive. But he (my friend) has made a whole new life for himself in Canada with his wife.
I just got upset because I tried to work out how to use this extending ladder that my dad showed me how to use, only weeks before, when he was fixing a light over my driveway. We’re basically learning how to fend for ourselves, because until now my dad did everything for all of us. And I’m worried that most of his money that he was so careful to accumulate and save for us all, is going to go to hmrc and the other sibling, who already owes my dad and brother a lot of money, with no intention of returning it.
I had memory bears made out of my daughter’s primary school uniforms the lady who does them also makes them out of clothing she’s on Facebook if your interested x
I but me and my daughters heart shaped pendants and the lady in the funeral home put mums ashes in each of them, I gave them to my daughter’s yesterday x
No need to feel sorry for mentioning it. I have the same thoughts. I suspect my dad would disapprove, but that isn’t enough to keep the thoughts away. We have to take it one hour at a time and it can help if we have someone (human or pet) who depends on us. Calling crisis lines has become a habit in my darkest moments, but I still struggle to find the point of existing. Sending much love to you.
ulma, we’re going to get through this dark moment in our lives. we all go through grief and the pain of the loss is what allows us to recognize and understand the love we shared. life experience, wisdom requires loss and pain. one day you’ll become strong enough to feel less of the pain because you will be celebrating and carrying the love of your loved ones in your life. hugs to you
I like that idea of something with Mums writing on, my Mum had lovely writing and labelled EVERYTHING so seeing her writing always reminds me of her. Was it just a regular jeweller who engraved it Becca?
You can get things engraved, but I had a bracelet made with her writing. It says lots of love Mom, it was in a card, so rather than it being engraved it is words that are her actual handwriting if that make sense. It was from Etsy.
I have a lock of my dad’s hair and would like to carry it within a bracelet worn close to my wrist. I haven’t quite seen what I’m looking for yet - I don’t want the hair to be integrated, but rather for it to be in a little locket. Such an item might not exist.
and empty and I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour that my eyes are still red sore today. I want my mom, I can’t get away from that. She deserved better death. Could she have still been here if someone had listened just for one last Christmas. We could have made memories.
