Latest message from colleague “happy 2024 - i hope its happier for you than 2023”. I know what theyre trying to convey but really, how is a year without my Mum going to be happier than the one WITH my Mum?!
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It’s so hard isn’t it. Every comment people
make that normally would be ok just feel like another twist of the knife in our grief.
I am feeling resentful today, My brother gets to carry on as normal and I am the one looking out for my dad.
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Other people find it hard trying to say the right words I know I do, I so wanted to message people last night wishing them all the very best for the new year but just couldn’t not even my own siblings and they never messaged me, I saw the new year in with my dad my kids and their dad we raised a glass even poured my mum a small drink and put it by her photo, I know she’s out of pain now but I’m in pain.
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If you get on well with your brother would you feel able to have an honest conversation with him? It could be it hasnt even occurred to him to do more - he may feel youve stepped into the breach because you want to. 45 mins isnt that far - i lived 40 mins from Mum and was her main support before i eventually moved in with her last year. He could definitely help out at weekends, and even if he cant visit in the week theres nothing stopping him from picking up the phone and chatting with his Dad is there? Id just be honest with him and say that you feel under pressure and you need some help 
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@Alma my brother does phone him everyday, he always has. I think it’s a case of out of site out of mind. My brother and sister in law don’t have kids so they lead a very different life. They are out all the time and go on lots of holidays.
I might try and find the courage to talk to him. I am just not good at being assertive. I think I feel like this as u am just exhausted with it all.
I was on massively reduced hours at work up until Christmas to help me, but I feel more exhausted than ever. I need to recharge this week somehow.
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Well if they dont have kids then they definitely should have some more time on their hands to help out! Its easy to automatically take everything on yourself and then end up feeling overwhelmed without the other person even realising. But you need time for you and your family also
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Exactly out of site out of mind and I could say a few home truths and the others wouldn’t like it, but I’m not going to, can’t be bothered wasting my breath but I won’t be bullied any more, mum is not here and I will open my mouth if I think something is not right.
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It’s so hard isn’t it to walk this walk. My kids are 23 &22, but having kids changes how you see life. They both live at home. My daughter has autism so it’s quite challenging and full on. She is out of work so always at home and struggles with her mental health as well.
I have depression and anxiety on top of all that grief. Just something I have to live with. I have told my brother this. He is kind and says I can vent to him. But it isn’t about venting, it’s about him taking on some responsibility. I feel like u have no life at the moment and just existing. I am struggling to face life without my mom. I am really low at the moment. Seeing my GP next week.
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I think your brother needs to know that you need some help and support x
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I agree with Lucy here, Becca, you need to let him know how hard this is for you. Hugs!
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A conundrum. I crave being around others because the loneliness hurts, but at the same time it often feels worse being around others. Talking about normal things seems so wrong. Not sure how to balance that.
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We had a lovely lunch with my dad. We started talking about my mom and he then said could we have done more? I wonder if he has been thinking that for a while. We had a long talk about it all and what happened. He then apologised for bringing it up, bless him. We told him it was important to talk about it all as it’s our way of processing it. I think we’re still in a bit of shock really.
I’ll talk to my brother when I feel a bit calmer
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It’s good that he’s talking maybe you will both be able to process things if you can talk about it instead of him holding it in incase he feels he’ll upset you if he talks about your mum x
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I know what you mean, Ulma. Are there friends who you can be direct with, and tell them what you do/don’t want to talk about? My best friend is amazingly supportive but even with her I’ve had to steer the conversation, twice, either towards or away from, my dad, depending on how I was feeling. I’m sure you’d say it with sensitivity, and they’d be only too happy to know.
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I’ve tried to express it, but like you I have to steer the conversation every time, otherwise we only talk about ordinary things, and I don’t always have the energy to steer, so it’s tiring.
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I understand that. I nipped out briefly this evening to help my friend celebrate his birthday. The gathering felt like a milestone that I survived, rather than something that I enjoyed. I’d normally enjoy it, but my heart wasn’t in it. I’m glad I showed up for him, though.
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Morning all, I hope you are doing ok. Are some of you back at work?
My head feels like a huge bowl of treacle. Trying to pack away Christmas. Kind of want it to be gone, but don’t at the same time.
I also have to fit in doing some course work this week. I am really behind on my qualification. I just want it done and finished now.
I don’t know how to feel, just can’t stop thinking about my mom. She was here this time last year. I don’t want to go back to work next week, it I have to and to my full hours.
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So wet and dark here, it doesnt help with mood! Has your GP cert for reduced hours ended, Becca - could you get it extended? You mentioned you see a counsellor- if you do end up having to go back to full time hours could you get a session lined up in readiness to try and help support you in that first week? (I worked in HR before caring for mum so just trying to think thru options for you)
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@Ally6 ahh thank you. Yes, my note has run out. I have counselling on 11th Jan. I have it fortnightly, wish I could afford every week at the moment. Seeing GP on same day. I can’t extend my note as work are just not supportive. I haven’t done full hours this term at all. I have a meeting on Monday 10th at work with the headteacher and HR, I will be telling them how the last meeting made me feel and letting the head know that u had told people I wasn’t coping and they just did nothing.
I am putting a proposal together to change me job role a little which will help. They out so much on me and I work alone with no help.
I should have been fully qualified by now but Covid and life got in the way and major surgery a couple of years ago.
So much to think about.
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Thats good if youre putting together a proposal - hopefully they should see that as you engaging and trying to help. I know youre a careers advisor so im guessing your day might be a mix of meetings with pupils but then other back office stuff ? I dont know what flexibility you have in organising your working day? For example if you know typically you’re not great first thing, are there mundane paperwork tasks you could start with where you can sit quiet and wont need to interact with others? Or if you know by the end of the day youre completely exhausted, try and avoid booking any crucial meetings if you can. Just a thought - not sure if thats practical for you
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