Thought id had a reasonable day - got my hair done, and i just got back to mums and whilst rummaging in a drawer came across a shopping list written by mum and it has broken me 
Not only seeing her handwriting, but knowing this would have been written over a year ago before her fall, when i would place an online order for us both 
What breaks my heart most were the items on the list - mum had been experiencing difficulty swallowing but after the fall it got much worse and she had to stick to soft foods only. This list had all the things she so enjoyed but had to go without in her last year - bread, cakes etc. She missed just being able to have a sandwich or a slice of cake so much 
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It’s so emotional. Sat doing my coursework, that I should have done over the summer last year. But I couldn’t because I was looking after my mom on and off. Sobbed, I wish she was here she would be proud of me. I have 3 more units to finish and then I am fully qualified. It has been a labour of love.
Oh & I had to cook the dinner while in the middle of my course work 
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Aww you havnt got much course work left to do then I’m sure you will get that finished it will probably keep your mind busy as well, someone could of offered to cook for you, whilst you were doing it, I was determined I wasn’t cooking so their dad cooked instead x
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When I realised I only had 2 units left I cried. I have had to work so hard through do really tough times over the last 5 years. My mom was really proud of me. When I am done I’ll have the equivalent of a Batchelors degree at the ripe old age of 48.
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Well done to you Becca x
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When I am gone, do not fear my memory.
Do not be afraid to speak my name or look through old photographs.
Do not be scared to play old videos so that you might hear my voice and see me laughing.
Do not be wary of visiting my favourite places or eating my favourite foods or singing along to my favourite songs.
I know it will hurt. Those memories will remind you that I am gone.
They will stab at you like a knife in an open, gaping wound. Raw, excruciating pain.
But after a while the knife will become less sharp, the wound will become less open and the pain will become less raw.
And those memories will remind you that I was here.
That I lived.
Do not reduce my life to my death.
Speak my name, hear my voice, sing my favourite songs and visit my favourite places.
Because that’s how I can stay alive a little.
Right here with you 
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That’s beautiful @Lisa_L51
I lay hugging my mom’s dressing gown when I went to bed last night. Feels so stupid but I just wanted to feel close to her.
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It’s not stupid I wear my mum’s scarf around my neck, I find it comforting, I shut my eyes last night with a headache and never woke till 7.30 this morning I was that exhausted my body was just aching but I’ve woken up this morning in a mood my head hurts I’m so tired I dont want to move but I know I will have to I just don’t have the energy too. My head just feels so heavy with tension and it’s making me feel sick. I was hoping I’d wake up feeling ok, to go about my day, but this last 2 weeks have just been very much the same, gloomy. I hope you have a good day take care xx
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I know that feeling, I had so many days I have felt like that. Just do the best that you can. But your body and mind need rest. I feel more in control at the moment as I slept and rested over the Christmas break. I just kept going up to Christmas and it was exhausting and I was in a thick fog of grief. I am not saying I am over it, not by a long shot. But rest has helped my mind to clear a bit. I know you have your girls, just chill with them. Let them pick a film and then you can sit together, rest nap etc. keep hydrated as well. Grief is the most exhausting emotion physically and mentally. Be kind yourself, I know that’s a cliche but you really need too. Xx
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I feel so tired today. All I have done is clean the kitchen & go to church. I feel so grumpy as well. It’s hard trying to be ‘normal’.
I saw my dad today. He was ok, I went up to her craft room and just sat in there. I sat with my head on the box with her ashes in.
Life is still tiring.
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I hope no one minds me adding my own thoughts … I’ve been reading lots of everyone’s stories and comments 
. I just wanted to say I sleep with my mums scarf under my pillow, I have the duvet cover unwashed and folded up that she had on her bed when I lost her, it’s next to me when I sleep and I have a pillow with her jumper on it, i had it made especially, all this brings me comfort and makes me feel closer to her, sending everyone here my love xxx
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Hi @Nikki63 , it’s nice to hear other people feel the same way.
I went to see my dad today and sat in her craft room, that’s where the box is with her ashes. I lay with my head on it. I miss her so much.
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Me too, so much it hurts sometimes 
xx
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Hi, how is everyone today?
I am at work, but feel so tired and thick headed. Found yesterday hard for some reason. It can be exhausting trying to be normal.
Struggling these last few days, feeling much more emotional again and that feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. Did see a job last week i considered applying for but i dont think im in a fit state to hold down a mon-fri 9-5 just yet. Bereavement group starts tomorrow so im praying that it is useful.
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Sending hugs, it’s so hard. I hope the bereavement group goes well tomorrow.
Apply for a job when you feel ready. Don’t yourself under pressure.
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Afternoon becca
How is your day ? Hope your well
I’m a little bit like ally … feeling it again a lot today it’s such a rollercoaster of emotions with one day doing slightly better then the next day getting upset and thinking all sorts of things
It’s so hard isn’t it the reality of it all
X
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The reality of it all is hard.
I am ok, work is busy. Seen 7 kids already today and 4 more to go. Started at 8am, over at my second school now and finish at 3.45. I am so tired, stuff is swirling around my head.
It’s like I am ok, but I am not at the same time. Trying to not let the anxiety take over. The fear of me having the same as my mom is a little better at the moment. I have had to stop HRT though, my GP said it was best to do that because of the cancer risk. We’ll see how I go.
Couldn’t sleep last night finally went to sleep about 3.30 then was up again at 6 got showered I looked in the mirror and I cried I looked at this person looking back at me and it’s not me a stranger was looking back, so I just sat on the sofa and cried just don’t know who I am anymore gone around to my dad’s for a cuppa to wait for my girls coming home from school, tomorrow I start my one to one bereavement counselling for the next 6 weeks I have to speak to someone and physically tell them how I’m feeling rather than just type it out feeling quite anxious about that to be honest, I know as soon as they ask me and going to be a wreck x
So sorry @Lisa_L51, I hope you can rest this evening.
Just let it all out tomorrow, it’s ok. I have to keep telling myself that it’s ok to cry and be sad.
You could write down how you are feeling so that if you are a wreck they can read it. It’s their job to support you.
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